high-anxiety week

I am having a high-anxiety week, and it's been pretty unpleasant. Yesterday I went to a movie and had a panic attack during it. I wanted to get through it without leaving the theater, but it got to be more than I felt like I could handle. So I went to the bathroom and stood in a stall until I stopped shaking and feeling so "sick."

It was the movie itself that actually set off the attack. Since the events of 2010, I have had a hard time distancing myself from stories the way I used to be able to. Especially during times when my (baseline) anxiety is high for whatever reason. An emotionally charged scene of a movie (or part of a book) can then make my anxiety spike. Of course, that almost always manifests as feeling, or imagining I feel, nauseous.

I had also felt "sick"/anxious the day before the movie. Today was better, at least the morning. In the evening, I again felt "nauseous" and freaked out a little about it.

I hope this bad period ends soon. I think I must sometimes come across as the Pollyanna of emetophobia, because I try so hard to be positive/upbeat in this blog. In my experience, that's what helps the most - negativity leads to me feeling much worse. But that positivity doesn't always come right away. It takes effort, and sometimes I need a few days. Sometimes I don't even believe what I'm saying as I'm saying it, but it still helps to write it and have that positive viewpoint to go back to later.

I walked out of that movie so angry at myself and at the situation that I had to fight to keep from crying. I knew that by retreating to the bathroom temporarily, I had let the anxiety win a battle, and even though I still believe I am winning the overall war, I hated that.

So I am still pulling myself together right now, trying to get some perspective on this incident. I wish I could figure out a way to get back to having normal reactions to books/movies. It bothers me to be unable to tap into my emotions without the risk of them becoming out of control.

I will say, in the spirit of positivity, that I am sure this is just an off week and not a sign that I have stopped progressing or am getting worse. It also really drove home how well I have been doing, and I was reminded that it's been a long time since my anxiety problems led me to feelings of complete despair and hopelessness. Comparatively, a few days of frustration and self-criticism don't seem so bad.