in remission

Hello friends. How have the last two years been for you?

I definitely did not intend to stop posting here in such an out of the blue way. Life got very busy, or maybe I should say it's been one giant change after another. I feel like if I put the me who wrote the last post and the current me next to each other, in terms of anxiety, in terms of perspective on life, they would not be recognizable as the same person.

I moved to a new place. I started a new job. I met new people. I had to travel a bit for the job. I had to do public speaking for the job. I had to do a lot of things for the job that forced me to power through intense anxiety, which, as you might expect, has led to me being somewhat desensitized to a lot of situations that used to make me panic (or that I would constantly avoid).

My emetophobia is essentially dormant right now. It's still there, it will always be there, but it's the quietest it's ever been. It basically tells me to avoid sick people and make sure I have clean hands before I eat, and that's about it.

I'm summarizing, because this is a blog, and the actual details could fill a book. At least if I allowed myself to go on as long as I'm naturally inclined to.

But I don't want to give the impression that this muting of my emetophobia happened quickly or easily (or even that healthily). I pushed myself way too hard the past couple years. I powered through way more than I should have, for way too long, and the stress broke me down. I am still experiencing a lot of anxiety (it has just shifted and is currently attached to other things more so than vomit) and depression.

So, as much as I wish I could say this is a perfect success story, that I conquered emetophobia completely and am a role model for anyone still struggling, that is laughably untrue. I'll probably never be free of mental illness; it likes to morph into different forms year to year, but it sticks around.

That being said, emetophobia has been one of those forms for about two decades, and I never thought it would (or could) get to the point of having this little effect on my life.

I remain a walking encyclopedia of tips for coping with emetophobia (this will always be the case, I'm sure), and ... that's all. I'm around. I'm here if anyone needs anything, or if there is something in particular someone wants me to blog about. Email (lilandbody@gmail.com). Or leave a comment. Or contact me through tumblr. Hope everyone is well. Love to you all.