a visit to the pharmacy

I went to the pharmacy tonight to buy some "just in case" items for the trip. My prescribed anti-emetics are long expired. I have nothing to tell a doctor to convince them to prescribe me more. So I figured I would just get something over the counter in case I get some sickness while on the trip. I ended up buying Emetrol (anti-nausea), some Emergen-C (to strengthen my immune system over the next week), and seven individually wrapped toothbrushes.

I should feel better now, but I don't. I don't usually do things like this. I don't have an emetophobia kit, I don't carry medication around with me all the time, I don't even bother with immune system boosters. Because taking any of those precautions always makes me feel like this, like crap. I have way more doubts and anxiety thoughts now than before I went into the pharmacy. Shopping for an anti-emetic leads to visualizing myself in a situation where I would need it. I'm happiest when I try not to think about any of it as much as possible.

I hold myself to very high standards, and I'm embarrassed, and I guess a little ashamed, that I bought these items. It feels weak. It's a big deal to me to be mentally healthy as well as physically healthy, and letting myself indulge in these safety behaviors always makes me start worrying about the mental health side. I want to be in control of my life. I don't want to be limited. That bottle of Emetrol I bought for no good reason is just a symbol to me of a downward spiral to a point where I won't be able to live in any meaningful way.

I'm probably being too hard on myself. It's only one trip, and it's the most stressful thing I've done in over a year. I can have an emetophobia kit just this once, and it's completely irrational to think that having these things will jinx me in some way.

When we get back home though, I am done with all of this. I'm throwing it out. I don't even want it in our apartment. Thinking about that makes me feel better. I'm not going to allow this to take over my life any more than it already has. This will probably take the form of New Year's resolutions. No more anti-emetics around, no more thermometer. I don't know. I'll make a firmer list later on.