new year's resolutions

I know I'm overshooting here (and yet still falling short of what I actually want to be doing), but these are my health-related goals for the new year:

1) Eat four servings of fruit / vegetables a day.

2) Do yoga twice a week.

3) Exercise three days a week.

4) Get check-up / physical.

5) Limit taking temperature to once a month.

6) Limit taking anti-nausea meds or anti-emetics to once a week (except for Tums).

7) Limit asking my wife if I am sick to once a day.

8) Meditate or work with affirmations or deep breathing once a week.

9) Do actual written CBT work once a week.

10) Do something outside the house that makes me anxious at least twice a month.

vacation update

I'm still on vacation. I have had Internet access but up until now have been either too busy or too overwhelmed to even think about what to write here. I'd love to make this entry have a coherent message, but I'm guessing it's going to be more of a blow-by-blow recounting of events. I haven't gotten the best sleep this week.

The first two days were the traveling days. We drove for six or seven hours each day. We got lost twice, once around NYC, once around Philadelphia. I managed my anxiety pretty well while in the car, except for the fact that I hardly ate or drank, because I felt "nauseous" a lot of the time. It was the first nights in the two different hotels that really threw me. It took hours of reassurance from my wife (that I wasn't going to throw up, go crazy, die, or always be this way) before I felt okay enough to get any sleep.

As is usually the case, two days of bad sleep and inadequate eating/drinking led to me feeling horrible. When I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt slightly less anxious but couldn't get up and walk around without feeling nauseous and dizzy. I decided I needed to cancel all my plans for that day and just spent the day in the hotel room forcing myself to eat and drink as much as possible. It was upsetting / frustrating, but necessary. Sometimes the hardest thing about all this is having to accept that I can't do whatever I want whenever I want. I get jealous of other people who can keep pushing themselves without taking a break, who could have packed a million activities and social interactions into a vacation this long. Sometimes I have to work within my limits, and for now, sometimes that includes missing out on things I was really looking forward to. But I'm sure that won't be the case forever.

I did visit my family briefly that night, because I thought I might get a guilt trip if I didn't make it to their house within 24 hours of arriving in the city. That went well, no anxiety attack there, so I knew I was heading back in the direction of normal.

The next day, finally, was like actually being on vacation instead of in hell. I felt almost 100% better physically. First thing in the morning, I went back over to my parents' house, because now my older sister was there with my 15-month-old nephew. I got to meet him for the first time. He wasn't sick at all. I still worried he might throw up on me whenever he coughed, but he didn't. I spent a couple hours with him, and we played with all his toys together. He is adorable, and I love him so much. Spending that time with him really cheered me up.

I also went to the company I work for and saw all the coworkers I haven't seen in two years, which was awesome. I love them all too and have missed actually being around them. My anxiety got really high again though. I think it was partially because I'm not used to being around so many people who know me and are all looking at me, and partially because I knew some of them had been sick recently. I ended up spending a few minutes hiding in the bathroom until I didn't feel so nauseous and shaky. I didn't even really care though. I was so happy to be there that I couldn't muster up the usual annoyance I feel at myself. Seeing them plus seeing my nephew made me feel certain that this trip was a good idea, that it was all worth it, even though it has been challenging. Besides, I'm almost positive I'm not going to get sick. I took Emergen-C for a few days before we left, I take a regular multivitamin every day, and I'm generally very physically healthy and have a great immune system.

The afternoon was a lot of fun too. I hung out in the hotel room with my wife and an old friend of ours from high school. I went to see my grandmother, who is the sweetest woman in the world. I don't think I know anyone who knows how to love people as unconditionally as she does. In the evening, I went back to my parents' again to hang out for a while. Despite doing all these different things, I managed to eat well the entire day!

Today I'm "embracing" my limits again. Both my family and my wife's family are having Thanksgiving meals / gatherings, but I decided not to go to either. I really wanted to go to the one with my wife's family, because I haven't gotten to see my sister-in-law or mother-in-law very much while here. But both gatherings are in another city, and I know a long drive, lots of people, and pressure to eat is likely going to result in me feeling "nauseous" for hours. I know I could handle it, but I really don't feel like forcing myself to get through something else. So I'm hanging out in the hotel for most of the day and seeing my family one more time tonight after they get back from their party. We're leaving early tomorrow morning, and possibly these last two days of driving will be just as bad as the first two days, so I'm sure it's a good idea to have a "chill day" before that.

This trip has really driven home the fact that there is a lot more work I need to do in order to get to the point where I can function the way I want to. I'm definitely going to be recommitting to recovery hardcore when we get home. Less thinking about and resenting my anxiety all the time and more actually doing the things that will help.

Oh, but the good news is that I didn't take any anti-nausea, anti-emetic, or anti-anxiety medicine on this trip. I either talked to my wife or used word searches and crosswords, my emWave, and affirmations to calm down. I'm really proud of that, and of how well I managed to eat overall despite feeling "sick" for hours every day. I suppose I can go as far as to say that this trip has been a good representation of the "emetophobia shmemetophobia" mentality. Not everything went perfectly, but I bounced back like a badass.

happy thanksgiving!

We're leaving early tomorrow morning on our trip. I'm trying to be excited, but I'm more on the nervous end of the spectrum. I do think we are extremely well prepared. In addition to the regular luggage, we packed two extra bags:

-- an "anti-anxiety" bag. It has my thermometer, anti-nausea medicine, a couple of my anxiety workbooks, word searches / crossword puzzles, and relaxation CDs. I also have 10 affirmations on notecards and my emWave in my purse.

-- a food bag. I didn't want to have to rely on whatever was around, restaurant-wise, both while driving and also when we get to the hotel. So we packed things to eat - some peanut butter sandwiches, chips, pretzels, and Luna bars.

We've got tons of music to listen to in the car. We've spaced out the trip so it's not too busy and overwhelming. I've just been trying to distract myself from my worries about it. If I'm having a hard time doing that, I try to think about it as a series of manageable steps rather than the whole trip at once. The first step is to get through six hours of driving tomorrow. That's it. I can handle that, and once I have, then I can think about the next part.

a visit to the pharmacy

I went to the pharmacy tonight to buy some "just in case" items for the trip. My prescribed anti-emetics are long expired. I have nothing to tell a doctor to convince them to prescribe me more. So I figured I would just get something over the counter in case I get some sickness while on the trip. I ended up buying Emetrol (anti-nausea), some Emergen-C (to strengthen my immune system over the next week), and seven individually wrapped toothbrushes.

I should feel better now, but I don't. I don't usually do things like this. I don't have an emetophobia kit, I don't carry medication around with me all the time, I don't even bother with immune system boosters. Because taking any of those precautions always makes me feel like this, like crap. I have way more doubts and anxiety thoughts now than before I went into the pharmacy. Shopping for an anti-emetic leads to visualizing myself in a situation where I would need it. I'm happiest when I try not to think about any of it as much as possible.

I hold myself to very high standards, and I'm embarrassed, and I guess a little ashamed, that I bought these items. It feels weak. It's a big deal to me to be mentally healthy as well as physically healthy, and letting myself indulge in these safety behaviors always makes me start worrying about the mental health side. I want to be in control of my life. I don't want to be limited. That bottle of Emetrol I bought for no good reason is just a symbol to me of a downward spiral to a point where I won't be able to live in any meaningful way.

I'm probably being too hard on myself. It's only one trip, and it's the most stressful thing I've done in over a year. I can have an emetophobia kit just this once, and it's completely irrational to think that having these things will jinx me in some way.

When we get back home though, I am done with all of this. I'm throwing it out. I don't even want it in our apartment. Thinking about that makes me feel better. I'm not going to allow this to take over my life any more than it already has. This will probably take the form of New Year's resolutions. No more anti-emetics around, no more thermometer. I don't know. I'll make a firmer list later on. 

obligatory introduction post

It feels strange to give a background / explanation of something that has been with me my entire life. Chances are you already know something about emetophobia anyway, if you're here, and there are plenty of websites that explain it. Best of which, in my opinion, is this one. I'm not sure about the reliability of the rest of that website, but this FAQ was the first thing I ever stumbled across that made everything make sense to me.

I have no idea what caused my phobia. I have no memory of a traumatic experience involving me or someone else vomiting. I was 9 the last time I actually did throw up, but I must have already had the phobia at that point or was at least on my way to developing it, because I can remember times before that where I acted in weird ways. If my stomach hurt, I would crouch down on the floor if possible, because I thought that made me safer. I would try to hide from my teachers the fact that I felt sick, because I felt it was something shameful. If eventually my anxiety overwhelmed me, I would suddenly blurt out that I didn't feel well and needed to go to the nurse, and the teacher always looked taken aback. At some point in my childhood, I became scared to touch food at all, even after washing my hands, and went through a phase where I ate like a dog, holding my plate or bowl up to my mouth.

I was around 11 or 12 when I started researching online and found the FAQ website linked to above, but it took several more years before I really felt like I had any control over what was happening to me.

So moving on from history, this is business-as-usual nowadays.

-- I feel "nauseous" almost every day. This fake "nausea" is really anxiety, hunger, normal feelings of digestion, indigestion, heartburn, etc. It's hard for me to tell the difference between these and to identify my current feeling correctly. It's gotten easier over the years. But I still frequently get nervous that I am in danger of throwing up, especially if I "feel sick" in public. It's even hard for me to tolerate non-stomach pains, like a headache or general muscle soreness, since I will interpret these as signs of potential illness.

-- I think about the safety of my food a lot, the potential to get ill from food poisoning. This leads to avoiding certain restaurants or types of food that don't seem "safe" to me, throwing food away that is most likely still fine because I worry it has gone bad, or feeling anxious after consuming certain foods that seem high-risk to me. I also have a long list of foods I avoid eating before going out in public or while out in public (anything spicy, greasy, rich, too filling, too sweet - aka anything that could make my stomach hurt). This makes eating on long car trips and vacations difficult. Grocery shopping is also kind of a pain, because I inspect everything I am buying, and if anything looks weird or "off" to me (like an apple with a spot on it), I usually can't bring myself to get it.

-- Eating in restaurants in general doesn't work out that well. It's rare that I can get through an entire restaurant meal without "feeling nauseous" from anxiety.

-- I can remember times when I was young and threw up in the middle of the night, right after waking up. So I consider sleep to be a time where illness can sneak up on you and make you vomit before you have a chance to stop it from happening in some way. Because of this, it's hard for me to fall asleep if I don't feel well. I also frequently wake up in the middle of the night and "feel sick" - I'm guessing this is usually just hunger, since sleeping is also a long stretch of not eating.

-- I do not drink alcohol at all and avoid being in places/situations where other people are drinking (excessively to the point of drunkenness, I mean).

-- I avoid being around children, since they are much more likely to have some illness and/or be vomiting.

-- I keep a store of anti-emetics, Pepto Bismol, and Tums at home. This hasn't always been the case. I have always been extremely strict with myself about using these things, because I remembered reading that emetophobics could become dependent on them or abuse them to the point of unhealthiness, and I never wanted to allow myself to reach that point. But this past year has not been the best for me, and I have become (slightly) more lenient about it. I also just don't like putting anything out of the ordinary in my body, even something as harmless as Tums.

-- I avoid traveling in general and public transportation. I don't have a problem with motion sickness as far as I can tell, but my anxiety will lead to me feeling "sick" anyway if I am on a boat, plane, or bus. Trains and cars, not as much, depending on the situation and who I am with.

-- I am afraid that if I get a tickle in my throat or have a coughing fit, this could lead to throwing up, so I tend to carry a water bottle with me everywhere I go just in case this happens.

-- I ask my wife at least once a day if I am sick or if I have a fever. Or I will ask her while eating or directly after eating if she thinks the food is likely to make me throw up.

-- When my wife is sick, I don't take care of her. I keep my distance as much as possible. One time when she had a stomach virus, I went to stay with a friend and didn't come back until I was sure she was better and she had decontaminated all our belongings.

I think that's about it. I can't say I diligently stick to any of the behaviors in the above list, because I am always trying to challenge myself when it comes to this. Ever since I realized I had emetophobia, I have tried to keep the momentum of a normal life going, mostly by pushing myself to keep going out places. Keep going to movies, to restaurants, to school or work. My tendency is to want to be home all the time where I'm safer. I currently work from home, which I think has led to me losing some of that momentum. I don't go out enough anymore. But I'm determined to fix this.

Which is the main point of this blog, I suppose. To force myself to do the things I am afraid of doing and then write about how successful I am. There are so many ways I am successful already (some emetophobics can't even speak/write the word "vomit" or watch vomit scenes on TV), and I know I can do even better than I am doing now. Will I ever be completely cured? Most days I think absolutely not. But it's not just "cured" or "not cured," it's an entire spectrum of fear, and reaching the perfect positive end of the spectrum doesn't matter so much to me as long as I am able to function well enough in order to do all the things I want to do in life.