self-advocacy

So you have anxiety. And that means for every situation you come across that involves other people and triggers that anxiety, you have to choose between two options.

One is that you power through it and endure the anxiety. The other is that you ask to be excused from it or to reach some sort of compromise where you still do it but in a way that is more comfortable for you.

This is also complicated by the fact that you want to get over your anxiety, or improve as much as possible in your ability to live the life you want, which usually involves some level of exposure therapy and challenging yourself. You know you should power through. You know you tend to feel good about yourself when you’re able to.

But that doesn’t mean you should or can force yourself through any triggering experience that comes up. For one thing, exposure therapy is supposed to proceed by gradual steps. It works best that way. Taking a step you’re not ready for can do more harm than good. Also, it’s exhausting. It’s so unbelievably exhausting to confront intense anxiety on a regular basis. If that means an experience comes up that you probably could handle, but you would rather make some adjustments to make it easier on you – solely because you’re tired of having to handle things that are super overwhelming – you shouldn’t be put down for that. It’s not the same as being constantly avoidant. It’s making a choice to be kind to yourself, to let yourself have a break from having to work so hard – in ways that are often not visible to the people around you, so even though you have to hear a lot about the ways in which you’ve failed to live up to the behavior of a non-anxious person, you rarely get any praise for what you do manage to accomplish.

I have such a hard time with self-advocacy. Trying to figure out whether it’s a good idea. Whether it’s okay. How long to cling to my “demands” before letting it go and accepting I’m not going to get what I want.

I don’t trust myself at all. I don’t like advocating for myself. I hate debating. I hate sounding defensive. I hate the thought that I’m being seen as a burden, someone incomprehensible and exasperating that has to be dealt with. I hate acknowledging the minor things I’m trying to avoid, and even more so, I hate the tone of voice the other person almost always gets that makes me feel ridiculous, the tone of voice that says ‘what is wrong with you? how can this possibly be an issue for you?’ I hate having to repeat myself over and over because people don’t listen, don’t take in things that don’t make any sense to them.

I hate the fact that other people are so quick to belittle me in subtle ways that it doesn’t take long at all before I am completely mired in guilt and self-doubt. I start thinking there must be something wrong with me to have even started this conversation. I wonder if I’m doing it to get attention. But I’m not, because I would much rather the person have just agreed to what I wanted from the start without acting like it was a big deal at all. I wonder if I really need what I’m asking for. I usually conclude that I don’t, because I decide I will survive whatever the situation is, even if it’s ten times more miserable than it needs to be. I decide I need to put the other person first, because this is obviously a much bigger sacrifice for them, even though they usually don’t have a full understanding of what I’ll be dealing with, because I’m not forthcoming enough about it. I tend to feel like I talk about my anxiety constantly, too much, and I don’t even think that’s true. For how big a presence it is in my existence, I’m sure I talk about it way less than I would be inclined to if other people didn’t respond the way they did (getting all uncomfortable, implying that I really need to do something about it because it makes me wrong, it makes me not fit in, and it would be good if I could fit in, conform to society’s model of success, etc.).

The whole process is unpleasant and I think there have been times self-advocating has ended up causing me more anxiety and misery than if I had just done the anxiety-producing thing.

Looking back over my entire life, I don’t think I have ever asked for an accommodation that extreme. I have asked for things that should be simple and easy to say yes to. For example, when I refused to do presentations in school. I went to my teachers and I told them I couldn’t do it, and it was fine if that meant they had to give me a zero for the assignment. I didn’t say they had to give me an alternate assignment. Or even imply that they would be a horrible person for failing me (although I do kind of think they were). All I said is that I would prefer failure to giving the presentation, that I was choosing the zero grade. That was my choice to make. And most of the time they were absolutely horrid about it – rolling their eyes or scoffing at me, pretending they didn’t hear me and then calling my name to present anyway (forcing me to go back up to them and insist again that I wouldn’t do it, this time with more people witnessing it), saying over and over again ‘no, you have to’ every time I said I wouldn’t, acting really angry about it for no good reason I could see.

I had one teacher who actually got it. Instead of making me present, he met with me one-on-one and we had an informal conversation about the topic of my presentation. Did this lead to the ruination of my education? No. He gave me a chance to get the grade I deserved, the grade that reflected my understanding of the subject matter. That’s all that happened. He encountered someone with anxiety issues and treated them decently. Shockingly, life went on and tragedy did not ensue.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to explore my thoughts and feelings on this topic, because I am attempting to ask for accommodations at work. So far, it has not been going well, and as usual, it’s making me feel crappy about myself. And I know I shouldn’t feel that way. I’m not doing anything wrong – even if they end up denying my requests. Even if they get huffy and act like I’m deliberately trying to make their lives harder. Even if there is a part of me that thinks I could manage without what I’m asking for. I’m not a terrible person for wanting to eliminate a tiny fraction of the stress this trip is going to cause.