Since my second class was canceled, I wanted to come up with a suitable replacement challenge. A few nights ago, I was out with my wife, and we decided spur-of-the-moment to walk to a nearby restaurant for dinner. I generally don't handle restaurants well, and when we go to one, it's usually planned out at least a day in advance. It felt wrong and dangerous to go to one right then, without the planning, and since I know logically that no planning is necessary, I agreed that we should go and that I should handle it.
It was an extremely successful meal. I felt some anxiety when we first got there, because I had a strange feeling in my stomach, but I was almost positive it was a combination of hunger and my anxiety about going to the restaurant. It went away once I got my food and started eating. Most of the time, I feel the least anxiety while actually eating, because I am focused on the delicious food. The time between when I finish eating and when we leave is the problem. The check has to come, and then it has to get paid, and then the receipt has to come back, and I spend this time worrying about how full I am and the feelings of digestion in my stomach. Lately when we go to restaurants, I focus on making myself as calm as possible during this period, by saying affirmations to myself or doing breathing exercises. I think I am getting much better at sitting with the feelings and knowing that it's just my body doing the normal work it always has to do.
I tend to focus on the fact that "this uncomfortable feeling is happening to me again" rather than the fact that it has never resulted in anything bad happening in the past. I noticed this a few months ago in therapy when I was talking about events that were coming up that I was anxious about. I told my therapist that I thought I would feel sick during them and worry that I was going to throw up, and in the back of my head I was thinking "but why does that matter? You are saying you are afraid of fear, which is pointless. Don't you get it? That is all that will happen. You might feel anxious, and that's it. As it has every other time in the past, it will fade away without anything horrible happening. Then it will be gone as if it never existed, because it's barely anything, just an out of control emotion." It was such a strange epiphany, the first time I'd ever really gotten that concept in my entire life. It didn't fix everything, but it was exciting to me anyway, and it's something I've always tried to keep in mind since then.
Around the same time, I discovered another similar hole in my logic. Often when I "feel sick" in a public place, I don't think about the feeling itself. I think mostly about where I am or what I am doing and judge whether it's okay to feel the way I feel based on that. Like if I am out at the grocery store, I will be thinking without even realizing it something like "I could throw up because I am at the grocery store" instead of "I'm not going to throw up, I've had this feeling before, and being at a grocery store in no way increases the odds of anything bad happening."
Sleep is like this. I feel convinced (especially when I wake up in the middle of the night and am still half-asleep) that being asleep in itself will lead to me throwing up, because I am not awake to guard against it. I know it's best to calm down, no matter what, but I find it hard to move on to the next step after that, which would be to return to sleep. Even when I start feeling better, I tell myself to wait a few more minutes and make sure it sticks.
To help with this, I posted a set of affirmations next to my bed so that I see them if I wake up in the middle of the night: "This feeling isn't dangerous - it will pass." "I've survived this before and I'll survive this time too." "This isn't an emergency. It's okay to think slowly about what I need to do." "These are just thoughts - not reality." I'm so used to them by now that sometimes I'll just stare at them, too tired to really take in what they mean word by word, but knowing that they have a general meaning of 'I'm not going to throw up, I can go back to sleep.'
It's just comforting to have them there, not only as a means to reduce my anxiety in that moment, but as a reminder of the changes I've been making to my life in general. Positive self-talk is no longer foreign to me. My outlook on everything is changing, and it's exciting to think about where I am heading.
I tend to focus on the fact that "this uncomfortable feeling is happening to me again" rather than the fact that it has never resulted in anything bad happening in the past. I noticed this a few months ago in therapy when I was talking about events that were coming up that I was anxious about. I told my therapist that I thought I would feel sick during them and worry that I was going to throw up, and in the back of my head I was thinking "but why does that matter? You are saying you are afraid of fear, which is pointless. Don't you get it? That is all that will happen. You might feel anxious, and that's it. As it has every other time in the past, it will fade away without anything horrible happening. Then it will be gone as if it never existed, because it's barely anything, just an out of control emotion." It was such a strange epiphany, the first time I'd ever really gotten that concept in my entire life. It didn't fix everything, but it was exciting to me anyway, and it's something I've always tried to keep in mind since then.
Around the same time, I discovered another similar hole in my logic. Often when I "feel sick" in a public place, I don't think about the feeling itself. I think mostly about where I am or what I am doing and judge whether it's okay to feel the way I feel based on that. Like if I am out at the grocery store, I will be thinking without even realizing it something like "I could throw up because I am at the grocery store" instead of "I'm not going to throw up, I've had this feeling before, and being at a grocery store in no way increases the odds of anything bad happening."
Sleep is like this. I feel convinced (especially when I wake up in the middle of the night and am still half-asleep) that being asleep in itself will lead to me throwing up, because I am not awake to guard against it. I know it's best to calm down, no matter what, but I find it hard to move on to the next step after that, which would be to return to sleep. Even when I start feeling better, I tell myself to wait a few more minutes and make sure it sticks.
To help with this, I posted a set of affirmations next to my bed so that I see them if I wake up in the middle of the night: "This feeling isn't dangerous - it will pass." "I've survived this before and I'll survive this time too." "This isn't an emergency. It's okay to think slowly about what I need to do." "These are just thoughts - not reality." I'm so used to them by now that sometimes I'll just stare at them, too tired to really take in what they mean word by word, but knowing that they have a general meaning of 'I'm not going to throw up, I can go back to sleep.'
It's just comforting to have them there, not only as a means to reduce my anxiety in that moment, but as a reminder of the changes I've been making to my life in general. Positive self-talk is no longer foreign to me. My outlook on everything is changing, and it's exciting to think about where I am heading.
No comments:
Post a Comment