food anxiety

While I was eating dinner tonight, I became convinced that "something was wrong" with my body, and everything in me told me to stop eating, because there was a good chance I would throw up soon. I ate anyway, trying to focus all my attention on the fact that I didn't have one bit of evidence to show that anything was wrong aside from my uneasy feeling. It's been a while (a week or two) since I've had this experience, and it's strange how easy it is to forget how to handle it. At first, I didn't do anything, just letting the thought "something is wrong something is wrong something is wrong" run through my head over and over again, which is a thought I frequently have at the start of emetophobic anxiety. It's nice and vague but still terrifying. The word "wrong" stands out to me when it would probably be better to zero in on the word "something" to remind myself that the "something" is only anxiety. Eating dinner did not cause anything bad to happen, as usual. The existence of anxiety in general baffles me sometimes. I'm a rational person, but it takes over and puts thoughts in my head that make no sense. How is it possible that it can do that?

I'm going out to breakfast early tomorrow morning before work. I've been thinking about this all day and how all I want is to be able to go and eat eggs and pancakes and enjoy them. Situations like this seem so conditional in my mind - I'll be able to enjoy my breakfast only if I get enough sleep tonight, only if the restaurant isn't crowded, etc. I stood in my kitchen for at least a full minute earlier, trying to decide if I would be more likely to feel okay tomorrow if I had a small snack before going to bed. Snack or no snack, snack or no snack. It feels like I have to make the right decision, and then suddenly I remember that no normal person would care, because they would be able to enjoy their breakfast whether they had a snack or not. This decision in no way actually affects that outcome. It felt really amazing to think about that. There is potential to have so much more freedom in my choices and to not have to analyze everything all the time. There is an annoying wall between what's going on in my mind and that kind of freedom, but sometimes I can break through it temporarily.