winter

We had our first snowfall this past week, and it snowed again last night. There is still some left on the ground this morning. It's beautiful, but it signals the start of winter to me, or as emetophobics refer to it, the season of illness. So it's leaving me with a general feeling of dread.

I haven't been sick at all in the past two years, not even a cold. Which is not normal. I used to get a cold per year like most people, and I'm guessing the reason for my healthy streak is that I started working from home two years ago, so I'm no longer in an environment like a school or office where illness spreads around like crazy. You'd think it would be reassuring, but I just keep worrying - will I get sick this year, and will it hit me harder than usual since it's been a while? I am taking that class now, so I'm back in contact with the notoriously unhealthy college crowd. Plus I've been trying to force myself to go out places as much as possible. Which is of course a good thing, a great thing. It's sad that I keep having to remind myself that it's not worth trading all life experiences to avoid a mild illness once in a while.

I've been reading other emetophobia blogs out there, and some of these people have so much more contact with vomit than I can imagine having. This woman Robin in particular amazes me. It seems like she has to deal with vomit frequently because of her kids, and she also has gotten sick herself due to morning sickness and a stomach virus in the past few years. She has survived and even kept a positive attitude throughout all of it. It makes me start to think brave thoughts like 'wow, does this even matter? I'm sure I would survive it too. Why am I so worried about this all the time? I should just never think about it again.'

But then an hour or so goes by, and I feel something "weird" in my body, and everything brave or rational goes out the window. I keep getting a scratchy throat (from our heater, I'm assuming), and even though I know it can't be from illness, I still worry that it is. I try to ignore it, but it actually causes my appetite to go away. Then I have to force myself to eat, and when I do, I feel anxious the whole time. If I try really hard to focus only on my stomach, I will realize that I feel absolutely nothing there. But emotionally, I feel like I am moments away from throwing up. It's bizarre.