avoidance behavior

I've been avoiding leaving the house a little more than usual because I keep hearing about people I know having stomach viruses. I hate that I'm doing this. I know it's bad for my anxiety, and it's not protecting me the way I imagine or hope it is.

First of all, most of these people live in other states. They are posting about being sick on Facebook, and even though they are hundreds of miles away, I'm still worried. So of course I know logically that makes no sense.

Second, I don't live alone. Any excessive germ-avoidance behavior I engage in doesn't really matter, because my wife is normal and still behaving in her normal way. One of my most important rules, if not the most important, is that I don't allow myself to control her behavior or suggest that she do things the irrational way that I do them. Because it's just wrong. Wrong to try to control someone in general, wrong also to try to encourage someone to engage in unhealthy behavior. But I can't even say I've been doing a good job with this rule lately, because I asked her the other day if she was being careful at work about avoiding sick people.

Third, even though it appears to me that stomach viruses are everywhere right now and then magically will go away with the warm weather, that's not true. They are always around, year-round. They are always around whether I hear about them or not, whether people I know have them or not. There is no reason to take any extra precautions right now.

One of the things I think emetophobics forget a lot of the time is that we have immune systems. We rarely factor that in when we're trying to figure out how "at risk" we think we are. In all likelihood, we're exposed to stomach viruses and other illnesses much more than even we could imagine, and our bodies fight them off. That's what is supposed to happen, and it happens most when we're taking care of ourselves. Eating healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising are all important, of course, but aside from those, it's important to lower stress as much as possible. Stress affects the immune system. In other words, working to fight anxiety related to this phobia, working to stay as calm as possible, is protection itself from physical illness.

So that is my thought for the week. Trust the immune system! It knows what it's doing. It's working hard for me, and that takes some of the pressure off. I don't have to work as hard or worry as much as I do.

I did have a very successful day yesterday. I was supposed to go somewhere in the morning. I woke up feeling "sick" and almost backed out of it. I wasn't even feeling as "sick" as I have on other days when I've still gone places. I have just been overreacting because of the references to stomach viruses I have seen. Anyway, I made myself go, and I started to feel better and ended up having a great time. I am sure if I had backed out of it, I would have ended the day feeling moody, knowing I had missed out on something fun because of anxiety, and instead I got to end the day feeling happy and reflecting on the memories of the fun I had.

Emetophobia shmemetophobia!

irrationality, exhibit A

This morning while I was still sleeping (about twenty minutes before my alarm was set to go off), one of the neighbor's kids started coughing right outside the window, and it woke me up. I wasn't alarmed at first, but it kept going on and then started sounding more like choking and gagging. I pulled the covers up over my head, covered my ears, and started humming really loud. I could still sort of hear it in the background, so I hummed until I wasn't catching snatches of it anymore. I have no idea if anything even happened or if the kid just coughed for a while, but I've still had about a thousand worries today related to this 15-20 second event, starting with the ridiculous idea that the germs might come through the wall or window. Almost every real or far-fetched way illness could reach me is running through my mind. I've been doing so well this winter, not obsessing over contamination, and I'm finding it really annoying. I guess I always hope the thoughts are gone, but really it more seems like they just settle down temporarily. Like the thoughts are leaves and anxiety is a wind. The wind's picked up again, so the leaves are flying around all over the place. It's such a pain. Even if the kid did actually get sick, I know I have no more reason to think and worry about this than I do on any other day, days when other kids in other places might be getting sick without me there to see or hear it. It's just been a while since any of my senses have been exposed to it. If it even happened!

And the tune I hummed to myself was pitiful. In my fear, I couldn't think of one specific song to commit to, so what I came up with barely qualified as musical at all. It got me thinking about how maybe I should pick a song now to use if this ever happens again, which then got me thinking about the movie My Girl. Remember Vada and her "do wah diddy" meltdowns? Maybe I'll just steal hers, it's a pretty good one.

Joking, by the way. Believing I'll be able to handle the next situation is probably a better idea than picking a "panic song."

winter

We had our first snowfall this past week, and it snowed again last night. There is still some left on the ground this morning. It's beautiful, but it signals the start of winter to me, or as emetophobics refer to it, the season of illness. So it's leaving me with a general feeling of dread.

I haven't been sick at all in the past two years, not even a cold. Which is not normal. I used to get a cold per year like most people, and I'm guessing the reason for my healthy streak is that I started working from home two years ago, so I'm no longer in an environment like a school or office where illness spreads around like crazy. You'd think it would be reassuring, but I just keep worrying - will I get sick this year, and will it hit me harder than usual since it's been a while? I am taking that class now, so I'm back in contact with the notoriously unhealthy college crowd. Plus I've been trying to force myself to go out places as much as possible. Which is of course a good thing, a great thing. It's sad that I keep having to remind myself that it's not worth trading all life experiences to avoid a mild illness once in a while.

I've been reading other emetophobia blogs out there, and some of these people have so much more contact with vomit than I can imagine having. This woman Robin in particular amazes me. It seems like she has to deal with vomit frequently because of her kids, and she also has gotten sick herself due to morning sickness and a stomach virus in the past few years. She has survived and even kept a positive attitude throughout all of it. It makes me start to think brave thoughts like 'wow, does this even matter? I'm sure I would survive it too. Why am I so worried about this all the time? I should just never think about it again.'

But then an hour or so goes by, and I feel something "weird" in my body, and everything brave or rational goes out the window. I keep getting a scratchy throat (from our heater, I'm assuming), and even though I know it can't be from illness, I still worry that it is. I try to ignore it, but it actually causes my appetite to go away. Then I have to force myself to eat, and when I do, I feel anxious the whole time. If I try really hard to focus only on my stomach, I will realize that I feel absolutely nothing there. But emotionally, I feel like I am moments away from throwing up. It's bizarre.