I'm reading Leslie Jamison's The Empathy Exams, and it is a really amazing book. She's such a good writer. There is a part where she is talking about a conference being held for people with a specific disease/condition, and it reminded me so much of how I feel about emetophobia forums:
When does empathy actually reinforce the pain it wants to console? Does giving people a space to talk about their disease - probe it, gaze at it, share it - help them move through it, or simply deepen its hold? Does a gathering like this offer solace or simply confirm the cloister and prerogative of suffering? Maybe it just pushes on the pain until it gets even worse, until it requires more comforting than it did before. The conference seems to confirm, in those who attend, the sense that they will only ever get what they need here. It sharpens the isolation it wants to heal.
She says it much better than I did. It's why I sometimes feel like I am walking a fine line with this blog (because let's face it, a blog focusing on a phobia is not all that different from an online forum focusing on it). Am I actually helping, or am I making things worse for people? By sharing my perspective and what it's like for me to be living with this, am I encouraging others with the same problem (maybe even a milder version of it) to fear situations/objects they wouldn't fear on their own? Am I setting a bad example by avoiding so much? It's why I try to always show my bravest and most positive face when I write here and leave out details of some of my more irrational (harmful) anxiety thoughts. I don't like to post anything that doesn't include some bit of hope or advice.
I guess I'm over-thinking this and that it's up to each individual to know their limits and what they can or can't handle reading. I'm somewhat inclined to avoid reading what anyone else has to say about their experience of emetophobia, which seems like a silly philosophy for someone who blogs about the same topic. Sharing symptoms is just a strange practice, but especially so when it's a mental illness. It's already "all in your head" and that makes it easy to pick up a new aspect, to think "oh, that person's right, I should be afraid of that, why haven't I been avoiding that too?" The line between body and mind, or health and illness, gets very blurred with this phobia.
But I can't say that we should absolutely never be communicating with each other about our issues either. Especially when there is still so little awareness of this phobia (and such a stigma around mental health issues in general).
I don't know what conclusion I am drawing here, just musing about this. I guess I want to say that if any blog or forum is giving you new worries, it's probably best to take a break from it. And that you won't only ever get what you need from other people with emetophobia. Yes, it's nice to know they're out there, but sometimes it's better to seek out someone who can be a good example of how to live as if you don't have this fear. Maybe that won't be someone who can completely understand what you're going through, and maybe that's a good thing. We don't want to get so wrapped up in our reality that we forget there's another better reality we're supposed to be trying to reach.
I came across this post on tumblr the other day describing what it's like to have emetophobia. It's a really good explanation of the various associated behaviors. My favorite part (so true, and the reason why I think emetophobia is in a league of its own when it comes to phobias in general):
"I’m scared of spiders, but my fear of spiders doesn’t spawn new spiders
to come after me. However with emetophobia, my fear of vomiting creates a
very real sick feeling."
This is why I wish there was more psychological research being done on emetophobia specifically (and similar anxiety issues, like general health anxiety), because this kind of physiological feedback loop adds another dimension that people who are afraid of heights or dogs or clowns are not experiencing.
I haven't had another panic attack since that one at the grocery store last month, but my anxiety levels have still been all over the place. Some days have been perfectly fine, others not so good. I have been meditating and doing deep-breathing exercises more. I have been looking through my affirmation flashcards. Hopefully this is helping me even out, but I haven't noticed a significant change yet. That might be because I am still not doing these relaxation exercises consistently enough. I should be doing them every night, but right now it's more like twice a week.
Another change I made that I do think is really helping me is that I stopped going to emetophobia forums. Up until maybe a year or two ago, I never went to these forums. I mean, I can remember popping into them a handful of times during my teen years, but they bored me. I really had no interest in putting more effort into handling my phobia then. I felt like I did well enough. But when things got worse, I started visiting them, thinking they might be helpful.
It's been just the opposite for me. I feel like they have made me worse. And they were somewhat addicting too. I couldn't stop logging in for a while, reading everything, leaving comments with advice occasionally. I tried to avoid threads that looked like they might contain information I didn't want to have in my head. For example, I try not to read anything anyone posts anywhere ever about norovirus. I don't care if it's facts about it, helpful tips on avoiding it, how it's spread, good news about it, whatever. I know I have the potential to get so unbelievably obsessive about it. The information gets stuck in my head, and I find myself changing my behavior.
But it wasn't always easy to tell what might be in a thread, and I still kept coming across this negative information. I remember one night I had just eaten Pizza Hut for dinner. Then I logged into one of the forums, and the very first thing I saw was a thread titled something like "Pizza Hut food poisoning" or something like that. So I didn't even have to click on that one for it to make me anxious!
That is what annoys me so much about groups of people with emetophobia getting together. Inevitably, 90% of what is discussed will be things like that. People asking which foods or restaurants are best to avoid. People posting in a panic asking for someone to give them a safe/benign reason why they feel sick. I wish there was more discussion of how to deal with the anxiety/phobia itself. But I notice that when people bring up this point on the forums, they usually end up getting attacked by people who are "anti-recovery" I guess, that stress they would rather it be a "support" group than a "recovery" group. I find it odd. I think the best support is encouraging someone to recover. If someone had encouraged me to work on recovery when I was younger, I'm sure I would have ignored them, so yes, I agree that no one can/will recover before they're ready. But at the same time, during those years that I was technically "anti-recovery" I wasn't "pro-support" or at least not that kind of support that seems like a merry-go-round of scaring each other. I don't see how that helps anyone.
I have become very afraid of eating out at restaurants during the winter, and I know that is a direct consequence of hanging out on these forums and seeing other people constantly post about being worried about this. It's something I never thought about before. I have eaten out at restaurants year round my entire life, and I have never gotten sick from doing so. My method of eating out whenever I wanted to did no damage, and there was no need for anything to change. But I have changed and am now extremely reluctant to eat out anywhere until it's spring/summer again.
I feel frustrated with myself for letting myself be influenced like this. It seems I can't read the fears of other emetophobics on a regular basis without being affected by them. So I have stopped going to these forums, and now I'm hoping that as time passes these extra thoughts/fears I've acquired will drift out of my head again.
It's a little disappointing, because, first of all, it is exhilarating to be in contact with so many people who understand the way you think. And also, every so often, I would come across something that was uplifting or helpful. But it was so rare, and it's just not worth digging through all that negativity for those few positive gems.
I think I'm much better off sticking with blogs. I've always found they tend to be more recovery-focused and positive, since they are more about sharing information than getting support. I've never seen a blogger post while having a panic attack and expect someone to immediately show up to talk them through it (maybe because bloggers know they're addressing a smaller audience). I really like that. I'm looking for less agitation in my life and more understanding of the fact that anxiety is really something you have to handle on your own. Not that I don't sometimes rely on my wife to calm me down, but I like to see those times as times where I have failed myself. Any time I can fix a situation on my own, I know I've just done something that is so much better for me in the long run.
I recently read a really great emetophobia-related blog and wanted to share it:
To Everything A Season
The author enrolled in an intensive outpatient program at a hospital. This program used the principles of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to help people cope with their anxiety.
To give a basic summary of ACT, it's a type of therapy that emphasizes accepting negative thoughts and emotions instead of fighting them. The idea is that you commit to living out your personal values/goals in spite of your anxiety issues. You recognize that you will never be able to eliminate negative thoughts and emotions entirely (no one can), but those thoughts and emotions don't have to hold you back.
Check out the blog for more info! It's incredibly detailed, informative, and inspiring.
We had our first snowfall this past week, and it snowed again last night. There is still some left on the ground this morning. It's beautiful, but it signals the start of winter to me, or as emetophobics refer to it, the season of illness. So it's leaving me with a general feeling of dread.
I haven't been sick at all in the past two years, not even a cold. Which is not normal. I used to get a cold per year like most people, and I'm guessing the reason for my healthy streak is that I started working from home two years ago, so I'm no longer in an environment like a school or office where illness spreads around like crazy. You'd think it would be reassuring, but I just keep worrying - will I get sick this year, and will it hit me harder than usual since it's been a while? I am taking that class now, so I'm back in contact with the notoriously unhealthy college crowd. Plus I've been trying to force myself to go out places as much as possible. Which is of course a good thing, a great thing. It's sad that I keep having to remind myself that it's not worth trading all life experiences to avoid a mild illness once in a while.
I've been reading other emetophobia blogs out there, and some of these people have so much more contact with vomit than I can imagine having. This woman Robin in particular amazes me. It seems like she has to deal with vomit frequently because of her kids, and she also has gotten sick herself due to morning sickness and a stomach virus in the past few years. She has survived and even kept a positive attitude throughout all of it. It makes me start to think brave thoughts like 'wow, does this even matter? I'm sure I would survive it too. Why am I so worried about this all the time? I should just never think about it again.'
But then an hour or so goes by, and I feel something "weird" in my body, and everything brave or rational goes out the window. I keep getting a scratchy throat (from our heater, I'm assuming), and even though I know it can't be from illness, I still worry that it is. I try to ignore it, but it actually causes my appetite to go away. Then I have to force myself to eat, and when I do, I feel anxious the whole time. If I try really hard to focus only on my stomach, I will realize that I feel absolutely nothing there. But emotionally, I feel like I am moments away from throwing up. It's bizarre.
