tired of panic attacks

I had a panic attack tonight during what was supposed to be a five minute trip to the grocery store. It was pretty shocking to me, and I don't really know why. There has been so much going on over the past month - the panic attack I had at the movies that I talked about in my last post, Thanksgiving, people visiting, holiday parties to attend, holiday gifts to buy, etc. I know I've been stressing more than usual, so it's not that surprising that this would happen.

Still, it seemed like it came out of nowhere. I left my house feeling absolutely fine. When I walked into the store, I noticed I was beginning to feel kind of weird and unwell, and I thought "well, that sucks, but oh well, I'll only be here about five minutes, no big deal." I only needed to get five things. I got the first item and was on my way to get the second when I started feeling what I interpreted as waves of nausea, although they might have been waves of panic. They were really intense, and after the third or fourth one, I was convinced I had gotten sick and was going to vomit in the store. Sometimes I think about how if this ever actually happened to me, I would have to explain to the people around me, "I know I should have noticed what was happening, but I have this phobia, so I try to ignore sick feelings" and how they wouldn't get it at all. Which is a terrible thought and only makes me more panicked, but whenever I get to that point where I really start to believe what's happening is real and not anxiety, it pops into my head.

Anyway, I immediately walked out of the store, leaving my basket with my one item in it on the floor somewhere along the way. I went back to the car and sat in it, trying to calm down enough to go back inside. I was determined not to leave. I sat there for probably ten to fifteen minutes, thinking things like, "you are going to go back inside. If you don't go back inside, I will be so pissed."

(By the way, word of advice: don't be as hard on yourself as I am. It's definitely not helpful.)

I wasn't feeling much better though, and I couldn't convince myself to get out of the car again. I finally gave up and drove back home. I took my temperature, even though I knew what the outcome would be - as usual, no fever, nothing wrong with me, all in my head. I knew because of how much better I felt as soon as I walked in the house. It restored my confidence, and I then drove back to the store and had the quick uneventful shopping trip I had originally been expecting.

Well, that's not entirely true. When I got in the checkout line, the person in front of me was buying a green pepper, and the cashier couldn't figure out how much it cost. The confusion went on for a while, and I was on edge and wanting to get out of there as soon as possible to avoid anything else bad happening. Not knowing exactly how much longer I was going to have to stand there, I experienced another wave of panic/nausea. But there was no way I could leave the store then without having people notice and question me, because I had already put my items on the belt. So I mustered up every bit of thought-control ability I have and willed myself not to think anything related to being trapped there or possibly being sick or anxiety or how much longer it would be. I stared at magazines and tried to clear my mind as much as possible. I wasn't entirely successful at doing so, but I kept myself calm enough to get through the next few minutes until I could leave.

As awful as it all was, I did feel very proud walking out of the store with my bags of food, almost deliriously victorious. It was like anxiety was an external opponent I had beaten, and I felt like laughing (in its face) or shouting "HA!" or something like that. "I got what I needed, what are you gonna do about it now?"

I'm tired of this though, really tired. It might be time to start doing daily meditation again, at least for a while.         

holiday parties

Merry Christmas / happy holidays!

I know the holiday season can be stressful for emetophobes, since there will usually be a party to attend. Which usually means large groups of people, a crazy amount of food/alcohol, and possible sickness thrown into the mix. I don't live near any of my family (and saw them at Thanksgiving), so thankfully, I don't have to deal with any family holiday gatherings this year. I did have to go to one party a couple weeks ago, but it turned out to be a pretty low-key event. Anyway, I just wanted to share some thoughts:

-- I don't drink ever, so that's simple enough. I just tell people that, and I've never had anyone put up much of a fight about it. If I was someone who occasionally drank, but I didn't want to at the holiday party, I imagine I'd just say I had to drive later that night, even if it wasn't true.

-- There was a lot of food at the party I went to, but any time anyone asked me why I wasn't eating, I said I already had. I've used this technique many times at social occasions. Usually there are enough people so that no one is keeping constant track of you. I have had people respond to my lie with "well, have more!" but I just say I'm full. I don't really understand why there are people that are desperate to make sure everyone they know is fed - whatever the reason, it clearly means a lot to them, so it's easier to tell them what they want to hear - that you are thoroughly and happily fed.

-- I wouldn't worry extra because you heard (for example) your sister-in-law wasn't feeling well earlier in the day, or your cousin's best friend's dad had a stomach virus two days ago, or anything else like that. Because you could just as easily not have heard about it. At the party I went to, I hadn't heard about anyone being sick or exposed to someone sick, but that doesn't mean there weren't potentially sick people there. There were a bunch of people who had children, so I'm almost certain there was a connection to a stomach virus somewhere in that room. You're not in any more danger for having heard about it, and you're taking no more of a risk than when you go out anywhere else, like to the grocery store. Just take the same precautions you always do (washing your hands, not sharing food/drink, etc.).

Try to enjoy yourself as much as possible! Laughter, relaxation, and socializing are all good for your overall health.