reduce anxiety, save the planet!

One of my new year’s resolutions was to be more environmentally friendly. It is kind of a three-part resolution actually, but it all ties together: 1) I am systematically working my way through my apartment, donating or throwing out objects I never use or don’t need (generating trash is not environmentally friendly, but this stuff I never touch is essentially trash anyway – just sitting in my home instead of at the dump); 2) I am buying less new stuff, making sure to only buy what I need, and to buy digital if at all possible – with the double positive result of less junk filling up the apartment (which helps me) and less consumerism (which helps the environment); 3) I am taking whatever other steps I can to reduce my impact on the environment. For example, I finally bought reusable tote bags for shopping, and I have been attempting to reduce the amount of junk mail I get by contacting the places sending the junk mail and asking them to stop (I’m not convinced I’m succeeding yet, but I’m new to the process).

All this has led to me realizing how many of my environmentally harmful habits are related to my anxiety issues:

• Excessive water usage. I am fanatical about avoiding or killing germs, so I take longer showers than I need to. They are probably around 20 minutes, and I’d like to get them below 10 minutes at least. Even worse, I wash my hands way more frequently than is necessary. I got out of bed about 3 hours ago and have already washed them 7 times, and it’s not like I was doing dirty manual labor, intensive messy cooking, or anything apart from my ordinary Sunday morning routine of eating, hanging out, online browsing, writing. I honestly didn’t even bother adding “wash hands less” to my list of mini-goals, because I don’t think I’m ready for that one yet. I already think a lot about ways I can rearrange what I’m doing to cut out one or two of the hand-washes, but beyond that I don’t see how I can stop washing them when I feel it’s absolutely needed – which, due to emetophobia, is unfortunately pretty often. It is my intention to tackle shorter showers though.
  
• Excessive paper towel usage. This is related to the water usage, because once I’ve washed my hands for the purpose of preparing/touching food I’m going to eat, it feels like the only way they remain perfectly clean is if I dry them with a disposable paper towel (as opposed to a reusable dish towel).
  
• Drinking bottled water. Tap water scares me, even though I know that makes no sense – especially because I will have it if I go out to a restaurant, but I’m never willing to drink it at home. There was a brief period of time (a few months, maybe) I tried using a water filter, the kind that attaches directly to the faucet, but then it broke. Other than that, it’s been bottled water for about a decade straight. Which is so horrible for the environment, and that one is definitely on my list to change this year. I think I’m going to try one of those water filter pitchers instead of the faucet type.
  
• Using disposable bowls and silverware. I loathe doing dishes because I never feel like I am getting the dishes clean enough which leads to spending a frustrating amount of soap, water, paper towels, and time on each one – I will spend at least five minutes agonizing over a bowl that might take someone else a minute to wash. Plus sponges disturb me as much as reusable dish towels. And I am extremely neurotic about my skin coming in contact with ‘food residue’. I don’t know for sure if this is related to emetophobia, but I feel like it must be. This ‘food residue’ anxiety also leads to more hand-washing, because even if a food I ate is not particularly messy/crumby, I can’t stand the thought that the food is still on my hands. If I ate a sandwich and I can smell bread on my fingers, that drives me crazy. I don’t think other people even notice this. Anyway, that is another of my goals for this year – get back to using real cookware.
  
• Wasting food. I’ve talked about this one before. I have serious food anxiety and if my food looks weird to me, my impulse is to toss it. This mostly applies to fruits and vegetables, because they don’t have one consistent way they “should” look (as opposed to pre-packaged food that will tend to look exactly the same every time you eat it), but it can apply to anything – if I open a container of sour cream, and it’s especially watery, that might freak me out enough to throw it away. And I don’t have consistent rules about what is unacceptable; it depends on the day, on my anxiety levels at that particular time. So how quickly I give up on a food and what I consider to be unsafe can vary. When it comes to three different apples with basically the same blemish, on one day I might think ‘okay, that’s fine, I know it’s still edible’; on another, I’ll think ‘I’ll cut that part off, but the rest will be fine’; on another day, I will feel like I can’t deal with it at all and throw it away. Another way I waste food is by taking food offered to me in public – at work gatherings, family picnics, etc. – that I know I am not going to eat, just so I don’t call attention to myself, and then throwing most or all of it away. I think I’ve already improved in both of these areas and want to continue to do so. I try to force myself whenever possible to eat the ‘weird-looking’ food, and nothing bad has happened to me. And there have been social occasions in the past year where I’ve simply refused food; yes, it’s awkward, but not the end of the world.
  
• Wasting resources in general. There are some things I just replace on a regular basis rather than clean, because they seem so gross and germy to me – like bathroom mats and toilet seat covers. I also have (germ-related) anxiety about buying used objects, whether online or in thrift stores or at garage sales, or even accepting something a friend is getting rid of and wants to know if we need. Since I’m trying to consume fewer resources, both of these will have to change. It’s better to keep using something that already exists in the world than contribute to creating more demand for brand new items.

I always find it really interesting to see all the links that can exist between anxiety and something that at first seems completely unrelated to it. Working on my anxiety – in particular, trying to cut down on irrational anxiety-related behaviors – will not only impact my personal happiness and ability to function, but could actually help the world. And vice versa – trying to help the world can (hopefully) force me to become more comfortable with situations that currently make me anxious. That’s awesome and extremely motivating – for both goals!

CYEAT: Chapter 3

Definitely the most interesting chapter so far. It talks about locus of control, how you can have an internal locus of control or an external locus of control.

People with an internal locus of control basically believe they have more control over their lives, the ability to influence events, a positive attitude. They think they have the skills to handle whatever comes. In the face of circumstances that can't be controlled (such as a loved one dying), they believe they are able to deal with the challenge or trauma and are more resilient as a result.

People with an external locus of control are the opposite. They are more negative and believe that what happens in their life depends on external factors (fate, luck, gods, or other "powerful"/authority figures controlling what happens to them) instead of what they themselves do. They tend to be more submissive and helpless. When something beyond their control happens, they don't believe they can handle it.

The author claims all people with emetophobia have an external locus of control. We also have a high desire for control, and when you combine the two, you end up with a ton of anxiety (because you are always feeling powerless and ill-equipped to deal with anything) and constant attempts to control everything you can, even the most insignificant things.

Which of course describes me perfectly. The quiz earlier in the book was to determine if you had an internal or external locus of control, and when I went back and reviewed my answers, I scored a 20 which apparently is an extreme external locus of control.

The main way I try to stay in control is by avoiding anything that I think might put me at risk - going on long trips or public transportation, taking medication, drinking alcohol, eating foods that seem risky, etc. - but there are other more active controlling behaviors too that I don't think about as much. I wash my hands excessively. I ask people questions constantly - ask them to reassure me about things I'm worried about, confirm I'm remembering facts correctly, make my decisions for me (from the insignificant to the huge and life-changing). I have certain numbers I feel are lucky or unlucky. I frequently use the website random.org to make my decisions for me.

In fact, this reminds me of a conversation I had the other day where I was saying that I would rather use a computer to generate an answer than flip a coin. Flipping a coin doesn't feel random enough to me, because I am holding/tossing the coin and thus it feels like I could somehow influence the outcome. And I want NO responsibility for the outcome, because I feel like I would make the wrong decision, whether consciously or subconsciously. (Of course I am still pushing the button to generate the computer's answer, and if I pushed the button a second earlier or later, I would get a different answer. Thinking about this drives me crazy.)

One of the exercises in the chapter was to go back to your quiz answers and identify your external beliefs, then choose 5 that seem the easiest to change, and work on changing them. For example, one of mine is that the number 23 is unlucky, and I could work on telling myself that's not true and making sure I don't avoid that number.

But as much as I agree with this concept and the idea of changing external beliefs and working on thinking in a more 'internal locus of control' way, I felt like some of the "external beliefs" from the quiz shouldn't be changed. So I was a little conflicted at this section. For example, one of the external beliefs was "I believe that you cannot make someone fall in love with you - if it is right it will happen." Do I really want to change that belief? What's the alternative - believing that you can convince people to fall in love with you? I suppose that may be true to an extent, but besides it being weird and manipulative, I don't see the point.

Still, in general it's good advice. Try to think of ways you tell yourself you don't or can't control something. Figure out what factors you think are controlling your life ("this day is ruined because of the rain" or "I can't change because my parents made me this way") and reframe your thoughts to put yourself in control again.

holiday parties

Merry Christmas / happy holidays!

I know the holiday season can be stressful for emetophobes, since there will usually be a party to attend. Which usually means large groups of people, a crazy amount of food/alcohol, and possible sickness thrown into the mix. I don't live near any of my family (and saw them at Thanksgiving), so thankfully, I don't have to deal with any family holiday gatherings this year. I did have to go to one party a couple weeks ago, but it turned out to be a pretty low-key event. Anyway, I just wanted to share some thoughts:

-- I don't drink ever, so that's simple enough. I just tell people that, and I've never had anyone put up much of a fight about it. If I was someone who occasionally drank, but I didn't want to at the holiday party, I imagine I'd just say I had to drive later that night, even if it wasn't true.

-- There was a lot of food at the party I went to, but any time anyone asked me why I wasn't eating, I said I already had. I've used this technique many times at social occasions. Usually there are enough people so that no one is keeping constant track of you. I have had people respond to my lie with "well, have more!" but I just say I'm full. I don't really understand why there are people that are desperate to make sure everyone they know is fed - whatever the reason, it clearly means a lot to them, so it's easier to tell them what they want to hear - that you are thoroughly and happily fed.

-- I wouldn't worry extra because you heard (for example) your sister-in-law wasn't feeling well earlier in the day, or your cousin's best friend's dad had a stomach virus two days ago, or anything else like that. Because you could just as easily not have heard about it. At the party I went to, I hadn't heard about anyone being sick or exposed to someone sick, but that doesn't mean there weren't potentially sick people there. There were a bunch of people who had children, so I'm almost certain there was a connection to a stomach virus somewhere in that room. You're not in any more danger for having heard about it, and you're taking no more of a risk than when you go out anywhere else, like to the grocery store. Just take the same precautions you always do (washing your hands, not sharing food/drink, etc.).

Try to enjoy yourself as much as possible! Laughter, relaxation, and socializing are all good for your overall health.

dry hands

The cold weather just started, and already my hands are all dry/rough and red from washing them so much. This is an issue I run into every winter. Eventually they get so bad that the skin cracks and bleeds. I try to keep putting lotion on them, but since I'm bound to wash it off within a half hour during the day, it basically only helps to put it on right before I go to bed. Plus most lotions seem inadequate in the face of the damage emetophobes inflict on their hands. The one I have found that helps the most (if I remember to put it on every single night) is Vaseline Intensive Rescue. If anyone else has found anything that works well, I'd love to hear about it.