holiday parties

Merry Christmas / happy holidays!

I know the holiday season can be stressful for emetophobes, since there will usually be a party to attend. Which usually means large groups of people, a crazy amount of food/alcohol, and possible sickness thrown into the mix. I don't live near any of my family (and saw them at Thanksgiving), so thankfully, I don't have to deal with any family holiday gatherings this year. I did have to go to one party a couple weeks ago, but it turned out to be a pretty low-key event. Anyway, I just wanted to share some thoughts:

-- I don't drink ever, so that's simple enough. I just tell people that, and I've never had anyone put up much of a fight about it. If I was someone who occasionally drank, but I didn't want to at the holiday party, I imagine I'd just say I had to drive later that night, even if it wasn't true.

-- There was a lot of food at the party I went to, but any time anyone asked me why I wasn't eating, I said I already had. I've used this technique many times at social occasions. Usually there are enough people so that no one is keeping constant track of you. I have had people respond to my lie with "well, have more!" but I just say I'm full. I don't really understand why there are people that are desperate to make sure everyone they know is fed - whatever the reason, it clearly means a lot to them, so it's easier to tell them what they want to hear - that you are thoroughly and happily fed.

-- I wouldn't worry extra because you heard (for example) your sister-in-law wasn't feeling well earlier in the day, or your cousin's best friend's dad had a stomach virus two days ago, or anything else like that. Because you could just as easily not have heard about it. At the party I went to, I hadn't heard about anyone being sick or exposed to someone sick, but that doesn't mean there weren't potentially sick people there. There were a bunch of people who had children, so I'm almost certain there was a connection to a stomach virus somewhere in that room. You're not in any more danger for having heard about it, and you're taking no more of a risk than when you go out anywhere else, like to the grocery store. Just take the same precautions you always do (washing your hands, not sharing food/drink, etc.).

Try to enjoy yourself as much as possible! Laughter, relaxation, and socializing are all good for your overall health.

emetophobia survey

Friday night of a hectic week. Sounds like a good time for a survey, followed by a lot of lying around and not working for two days. I've seen this posted a few places - not sure where it came from originally.

1. Does your family know of your Emetophobia? I don't think so. To make a long story short, we have serious communication issues in my family.

2. Do your friends know of your Emetophobia? Yeah, probably all of them do. I'm pretty open about it.

3. Would you tell a stranger that you have Emetophobia? I guess it depends. I think the only strangers I have told are doctors / dentists so that 1) they would prescribe me anti-emetics 2) they wouldn't prescribe me anything with nausea or vomiting as a main side effect. It doesn't usually come up in normal conversation for me.

4. If you are currently in a relationship, how long did you wait to tell your partner? We were friends for a while before we started dating, so she already knew all about it.

5. Are you scared to have kids? Of course. But underneath all the fear, I don't think I want kids anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it. My life is pretty stress-free compared to the average person's life, and I have a hard time handling that tiny amount of stress. I can't imagine adding the stress of raising children to that. 

6. If you are a mom who suffers from Emetophobia, how do you deal with the struggles of your kids being sick? N/A, but I'm sure I wouldn't deal with it well at all. I feel panicked even when our cat throws up and usually run to hide in the next room.
 
7. What age did you discover that you had a problem? I was around 11 and found a website describing emetophobia. I can't remember if I was actively looking for an explanation. I had recently had some problems with missing a lot of school because of "feeling sick," so maybe.
 
8. What type of methods have you tried to reach recovery? I've never really believed I could get rid of the phobia completely, but to cope better, I have tried just about everything. Exposure therapy, talk therapy, CBT, ACT, affirmations, all the basic relaxation techniques (meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, visualization), yoga, mindfulness, and hypnosis. Most of this I still do, because I find it all helpful. The only thing I haven't given a fair chance is long-term medication. The side effects scare me too much, so both times I tried it, I stopped after the first dose. 
 
9. When was the last time you have thrown up and why? I was nine years old, and I'm pretty sure it was just a basic stomach virus.
 
10. When was the last time you saw someone else throw up? I'm not sure I remember. I've done a really good job of avoiding seeing it, even if all I could do was shut my eyes or turn my back on it. I feel like my last "direct experience" with it was December 2007 when I went into a stall in a communal bathroom in my college dorm building and then heard the girl in the stall right next to me start throwing up. I ran out right away.

11. What type of foods do you avoid? I don't think I avoid any food all the time, it's more situational. I avoid cooking any raw meat myself, because I don't trust myself to do it right, plus I don't want to deal with that kind of "contamination" stress. I hate trying anything new, so usually I make my wife try it first, and if she doesn't get violently ill from it (she never does), I might have some. I'm afraid of restaurants I've never been to before, so I try to stick with chains. Same for groceries - I have my safe "brands" and hate buying a different brand or the generic brand. When I know I have to go out somewhere, or when I am already in public, I try to go for simple / bland foods only like sandwiches or pasta. Oh, and I always avoid alcohol. The only alcohol I've had in my life was a tiny sip of champagne when I was really young (New Year's Eve).

obligatory introduction post

It feels strange to give a background / explanation of something that has been with me my entire life. Chances are you already know something about emetophobia anyway, if you're here, and there are plenty of websites that explain it. Best of which, in my opinion, is this one. I'm not sure about the reliability of the rest of that website, but this FAQ was the first thing I ever stumbled across that made everything make sense to me.

I have no idea what caused my phobia. I have no memory of a traumatic experience involving me or someone else vomiting. I was 9 the last time I actually did throw up, but I must have already had the phobia at that point or was at least on my way to developing it, because I can remember times before that where I acted in weird ways. If my stomach hurt, I would crouch down on the floor if possible, because I thought that made me safer. I would try to hide from my teachers the fact that I felt sick, because I felt it was something shameful. If eventually my anxiety overwhelmed me, I would suddenly blurt out that I didn't feel well and needed to go to the nurse, and the teacher always looked taken aback. At some point in my childhood, I became scared to touch food at all, even after washing my hands, and went through a phase where I ate like a dog, holding my plate or bowl up to my mouth.

I was around 11 or 12 when I started researching online and found the FAQ website linked to above, but it took several more years before I really felt like I had any control over what was happening to me.

So moving on from history, this is business-as-usual nowadays.

-- I feel "nauseous" almost every day. This fake "nausea" is really anxiety, hunger, normal feelings of digestion, indigestion, heartburn, etc. It's hard for me to tell the difference between these and to identify my current feeling correctly. It's gotten easier over the years. But I still frequently get nervous that I am in danger of throwing up, especially if I "feel sick" in public. It's even hard for me to tolerate non-stomach pains, like a headache or general muscle soreness, since I will interpret these as signs of potential illness.

-- I think about the safety of my food a lot, the potential to get ill from food poisoning. This leads to avoiding certain restaurants or types of food that don't seem "safe" to me, throwing food away that is most likely still fine because I worry it has gone bad, or feeling anxious after consuming certain foods that seem high-risk to me. I also have a long list of foods I avoid eating before going out in public or while out in public (anything spicy, greasy, rich, too filling, too sweet - aka anything that could make my stomach hurt). This makes eating on long car trips and vacations difficult. Grocery shopping is also kind of a pain, because I inspect everything I am buying, and if anything looks weird or "off" to me (like an apple with a spot on it), I usually can't bring myself to get it.

-- Eating in restaurants in general doesn't work out that well. It's rare that I can get through an entire restaurant meal without "feeling nauseous" from anxiety.

-- I can remember times when I was young and threw up in the middle of the night, right after waking up. So I consider sleep to be a time where illness can sneak up on you and make you vomit before you have a chance to stop it from happening in some way. Because of this, it's hard for me to fall asleep if I don't feel well. I also frequently wake up in the middle of the night and "feel sick" - I'm guessing this is usually just hunger, since sleeping is also a long stretch of not eating.

-- I do not drink alcohol at all and avoid being in places/situations where other people are drinking (excessively to the point of drunkenness, I mean).

-- I avoid being around children, since they are much more likely to have some illness and/or be vomiting.

-- I keep a store of anti-emetics, Pepto Bismol, and Tums at home. This hasn't always been the case. I have always been extremely strict with myself about using these things, because I remembered reading that emetophobics could become dependent on them or abuse them to the point of unhealthiness, and I never wanted to allow myself to reach that point. But this past year has not been the best for me, and I have become (slightly) more lenient about it. I also just don't like putting anything out of the ordinary in my body, even something as harmless as Tums.

-- I avoid traveling in general and public transportation. I don't have a problem with motion sickness as far as I can tell, but my anxiety will lead to me feeling "sick" anyway if I am on a boat, plane, or bus. Trains and cars, not as much, depending on the situation and who I am with.

-- I am afraid that if I get a tickle in my throat or have a coughing fit, this could lead to throwing up, so I tend to carry a water bottle with me everywhere I go just in case this happens.

-- I ask my wife at least once a day if I am sick or if I have a fever. Or I will ask her while eating or directly after eating if she thinks the food is likely to make me throw up.

-- When my wife is sick, I don't take care of her. I keep my distance as much as possible. One time when she had a stomach virus, I went to stay with a friend and didn't come back until I was sure she was better and she had decontaminated all our belongings.

I think that's about it. I can't say I diligently stick to any of the behaviors in the above list, because I am always trying to challenge myself when it comes to this. Ever since I realized I had emetophobia, I have tried to keep the momentum of a normal life going, mostly by pushing myself to keep going out places. Keep going to movies, to restaurants, to school or work. My tendency is to want to be home all the time where I'm safer. I currently work from home, which I think has led to me losing some of that momentum. I don't go out enough anymore. But I'm determined to fix this.

Which is the main point of this blog, I suppose. To force myself to do the things I am afraid of doing and then write about how successful I am. There are so many ways I am successful already (some emetophobics can't even speak/write the word "vomit" or watch vomit scenes on TV), and I know I can do even better than I am doing now. Will I ever be completely cured? Most days I think absolutely not. But it's not just "cured" or "not cured," it's an entire spectrum of fear, and reaching the perfect positive end of the spectrum doesn't matter so much to me as long as I am able to function well enough in order to do all the things I want to do in life.