It's been too long since I've written an actual post here. Sometimes I get intimidated by blogging and think I shouldn't bother unless I have something Really Important to say. Which just figures - feeling anxious about blogging about anxiety.
Things have been going pretty well lately. Today I spent hours hanging out in a nearby city (about a two hour drive from home) - walking, shopping, eating, shopping more - without any major anxiety incidents. I started feeling a little unwell towards the end, as I was heading back to the parking garage. But I knew it was dehydration. I am still having a problem with drinking enough when I am out places, especially when I am walking around outside, which unfortunately is when it is most important to do so. I guess it's a combination of 1) not wanting to have to use the restroom in case there isn't one around and 2) not wanting to use the ones that are around, because they are public and thus diseased in my mind. My same lifelong pattern of thinking it's better if I just "shut down" my body until I can be home and safe again.
Despite that, I feel today's outing was a success. And I've also been doing well with the more routine stuff - going out to restaurants, grocery shopping, going to the mall or other stores. I haven't been experiencing anything beyond the mild worry that I might have some kind of anxiety attack.
Since I'm getting more comfortable with these situations, I know it's time to push myself to do even more challenging things, but for the most part, I've been lazy about it. My wife and I want to take another trip to VA to see our families. It's something that has been on the back burner for a while. The last time we went was 2011, and it was difficult for me to handle the trip at the time. I know I would do better now. The only problem is that driving all that way is exhausting, so we are considering taking a train this time.
I don't believe I have been on public transportation since 2008, so pre-breakdown. I probably shouldn't think this way, dividing my life into "pre" and "post" breakdown, but every time something challenging comes up that I haven't done since before that period, I get scared I can't handle it as the "new" person I am now. It feels like that person from 2008 that was able to survive the anxiety of a long train ride was not actually me.
So my wife and I have been discussing taking a practice train ride somewhere closer to where we live (maybe 3 hours away) just to see how I do. Just to prove to myself nothing catastrophic will happen.
Which brings me to this past week, when I suddenly get an email from my boss saying the company wants me to travel to the office for a week for training on a new system (I work from home, but the actual office is in VA). They haven't decided exactly when they want me to come, but possibly as early as the last week of September.
So much for one step at a time! Plus this trip would be much more overwhelming than what I have been imagining. My wife probably won't be able to go with me. Since the company is paying, they will probably want me to fly. I will have to deal with rental cars and a hotel and seeing my family all on my own. I will have to go to work and socially interact with lots and lots of people, something I'm very rusty at. Basically, it's a terrifying scenario that I'm not at all convinced I have the strength to manage.
My current coping mechanism is to pretend it's not happening. And maybe it won't. They have wanted me to travel before and either changed their minds or asked someone else to go instead. So I suppose I shouldn't get all worked up over it until it's finalized.
This is what sucks about having anxiety issues but still being able to fly under the normal radar most of the time. I'm sure no one expected this to be a big deal for me. I mean, yes, my anxiety is always an issue at work because sometimes I'm afraid to make phone calls or to speak up in meetings, but that kind of stuff is manageable. I can be doing badly in those areas and still overall be doing a good job. But I can't flat out refuse to do something they ask me to do because of anxiety. It's not like I've requested any mental health accommodations at work (although this has made me wonder if I should have). Not to mention I just don't want to formally brand myself the problem employee, especially when I have a job that so rarely forces me into large-scale scary situations like this.
On top of potentially having to do this trip, I hate being reminded that this is who I am. I feel like my life is set up in such a way that I can pass for being mentally stable most of the time. Then something like this happens, and it's like 'oh, right.' Other people can casually hop on a plane and go somewhere for a week - or casually tell someone else to do it - and think nothing of it. Whereas my first thought is 'maybe I should quit right now so I don't have to do this.' In general, most people can deal with so much more than I can deal with. I pass for mentally stable because I live in a tiny box where going shopping without getting panicky is a great accomplishment.
I know this shouldn't actually make me think any less of how well I've been doing. I'm just frustrated because I was planning on working my way up to this trip, and I should have been working faster. Whether this ends up happening or not, I should be working faster and harder than I am. I don't know why I expect that life will always proceed according to my super-gradual exposure hierarchy.
Showing posts with label public restrooms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label public restrooms. Show all posts
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Sunday, July 21, 2013
warped tour!
Last weekend I went to the Warped Tour music festival for the first time ever. It's a pretty intense event and I imagine it'd be intimidating for anyone with anxiety issues. With my blend of emetophobia and social anxiety, I considered it a major accomplishment that I even made it inside the festival. Before it opens, a line forms outside that is not really a line at all, but more a gigantic chaotic blob of people moving every which way. It was the biggest crowd I'd been part of in a long time. I was lucky to have two feet of personal space in any direction. As it got closer to the opening time, it was more like half a foot as everyone started pushing forward and compressing.
Also during this wait, lesser-known bands were walking through the crowd asking people in line to listen to their music and buy their CD/mp3. Which meant having to talk to people I didn't know and use headphones that tons of other people had been wearing before me.
Aside from the stress of interacting with the people, it was insanely hot, which was my main worry emetophobia-wise. I was very concerned that the heat would make me sick. I rarely spend that much time in the sun, and it was 80-90 degrees. I only had one bottle of water that I was trying to conserve while waiting in the line, but then the event workers made me pour it out on the way inside (only one water bottle is allowed, but it must be sealed if you want to take it in). Basically, they want you to buy the drinks and food they are selling inside that is mega-expensive. But at least their drinks are packed in ice, so I was happy when I bought my new water bottle. I could hold it against my neck and get some relief from the heat.
Even though there was a lot more space inside the festival, it was still super crowded with people everywhere. Bands were playing all over the place, so loudly that I could feel the beat in my stomach, which made me worry for a moment that this would cause me to feel sick or panic. But with all this going on, I managed to keep it together and felt really calm the entire time I was there.
I only stayed about two or three hours, because it was just too hot and after a while I felt like I couldn't stand it anymore. I was all sweaty and sunburned (I wore sunscreen but didn't put enough on my face/neck) and started to feel dizzy, probably from hunger and dehydration. They don't let you leave and then come back, so I knew that if I stayed for most of the event, I would have to eat and drink while there. But still I let the habits of my anxiety take over and avoided anything but water, partially because I was afraid of getting or feeling sick and partially because I didn't want to use the public restrooms that were constantly packed with people. I'm sure this contributed to the dizziness/exhaustion I felt after a while that prompted me to leave much sooner than I would have wanted.
Still, I'm thrilled that I went and was able to have a good time for the most part. I can hardly believe how chill I was, especially considering how nervous I had been in the hours, days, weeks before I went. I had been obsessing about this for so long and feeling like I probably couldn't handle it at all.
But as I said in my post last month, I am trying to say yes to whatever comes along and to try things, even if I think they won't go well. There were many times I desperately wanted to back out of going. I was able to get through this because I kept saying to myself "maybe I won't be able to handle the whole event, but I can at least do this next small step." When I thought about calling it off in the days before I left, I told myself there was no need to make that decision yet. When I thought about turning the car around and driving back home while heading to the event (which was about three hours away), I told myself I would at least make the drive, and I could always turn around once I got there. When I thought about walking away when I saw that giant crowd of people standing in line, fanning themselves, I told myself I could at least try joining them and see how long I could deal with that. On and on, until I was inside actually enjoying myself.
Plus, now that it's over and I have a clearer idea of what it's like, I imagine I'll be able to handle it even better if I go again next year. I will definitely make sure to eat and drink more so that I have more energy and can stay longer, enjoy more bands.
Also during this wait, lesser-known bands were walking through the crowd asking people in line to listen to their music and buy their CD/mp3. Which meant having to talk to people I didn't know and use headphones that tons of other people had been wearing before me.
Aside from the stress of interacting with the people, it was insanely hot, which was my main worry emetophobia-wise. I was very concerned that the heat would make me sick. I rarely spend that much time in the sun, and it was 80-90 degrees. I only had one bottle of water that I was trying to conserve while waiting in the line, but then the event workers made me pour it out on the way inside (only one water bottle is allowed, but it must be sealed if you want to take it in). Basically, they want you to buy the drinks and food they are selling inside that is mega-expensive. But at least their drinks are packed in ice, so I was happy when I bought my new water bottle. I could hold it against my neck and get some relief from the heat.
Even though there was a lot more space inside the festival, it was still super crowded with people everywhere. Bands were playing all over the place, so loudly that I could feel the beat in my stomach, which made me worry for a moment that this would cause me to feel sick or panic. But with all this going on, I managed to keep it together and felt really calm the entire time I was there.
I only stayed about two or three hours, because it was just too hot and after a while I felt like I couldn't stand it anymore. I was all sweaty and sunburned (I wore sunscreen but didn't put enough on my face/neck) and started to feel dizzy, probably from hunger and dehydration. They don't let you leave and then come back, so I knew that if I stayed for most of the event, I would have to eat and drink while there. But still I let the habits of my anxiety take over and avoided anything but water, partially because I was afraid of getting or feeling sick and partially because I didn't want to use the public restrooms that were constantly packed with people. I'm sure this contributed to the dizziness/exhaustion I felt after a while that prompted me to leave much sooner than I would have wanted.
Still, I'm thrilled that I went and was able to have a good time for the most part. I can hardly believe how chill I was, especially considering how nervous I had been in the hours, days, weeks before I went. I had been obsessing about this for so long and feeling like I probably couldn't handle it at all.
But as I said in my post last month, I am trying to say yes to whatever comes along and to try things, even if I think they won't go well. There were many times I desperately wanted to back out of going. I was able to get through this because I kept saying to myself "maybe I won't be able to handle the whole event, but I can at least do this next small step." When I thought about calling it off in the days before I left, I told myself there was no need to make that decision yet. When I thought about turning the car around and driving back home while heading to the event (which was about three hours away), I told myself I would at least make the drive, and I could always turn around once I got there. When I thought about walking away when I saw that giant crowd of people standing in line, fanning themselves, I told myself I could at least try joining them and see how long I could deal with that. On and on, until I was inside actually enjoying myself.
Plus, now that it's over and I have a clearer idea of what it's like, I imagine I'll be able to handle it even better if I go again next year. I will definitely make sure to eat and drink more so that I have more energy and can stay longer, enjoy more bands.
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