I'm still on vacation. I have had Internet access but up until now have been either too busy or too overwhelmed to even think about what to write here. I'd love to make this entry have a coherent message, but I'm guessing it's going to be more of a blow-by-blow recounting of events. I haven't gotten the best sleep this week.
The first two days were the traveling days. We drove for six or seven hours each day. We got lost twice, once around NYC, once around Philadelphia. I managed my anxiety pretty well while in the car, except for the fact that I hardly ate or drank, because I felt "nauseous" a lot of the time. It was the first nights in the two different hotels that really threw me. It took hours of reassurance from my wife (that I wasn't going to throw up, go crazy, die, or always be this way) before I felt okay enough to get any sleep.
As is usually the case, two days of bad sleep and inadequate eating/drinking led to me feeling horrible. When I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt slightly less anxious but couldn't get up and walk around without feeling nauseous and dizzy. I decided I needed to cancel all my plans for that day and just spent the day in the hotel room forcing myself to eat and drink as much as possible. It was upsetting / frustrating, but necessary. Sometimes the hardest thing about all this is having to accept that I can't do whatever I want whenever I want. I get jealous of other people who can keep pushing themselves without taking a break, who could have packed a million activities and social interactions into a vacation this long. Sometimes I have to work within my limits, and for now, sometimes that includes missing out on things I was really looking forward to. But I'm sure that won't be the case forever.
I did visit my family briefly that night, because I thought I might get a guilt trip if I didn't make it to their house within 24 hours of arriving in the city. That went well, no anxiety attack there, so I knew I was heading back in the direction of normal.
The next day, finally, was like actually being on vacation instead of in hell. I felt almost 100% better physically. First thing in the morning, I went back over to my parents' house, because now my older sister was there with my 15-month-old nephew. I got to meet him for the first time. He wasn't sick at all. I still worried he might throw up on me whenever he coughed, but he didn't. I spent a couple hours with him, and we played with all his toys together. He is adorable, and I love him so much. Spending that time with him really cheered me up.
I also went to the company I work for and saw all the coworkers I haven't seen in two years, which was awesome. I love them all too and have missed actually being around them. My anxiety got really high again though. I think it was partially because I'm not used to being around so many people who know me and are all looking at me, and partially because I knew some of them had been sick recently. I ended up spending a few minutes hiding in the bathroom until I didn't feel so nauseous and shaky. I didn't even really care though. I was so happy to be there that I couldn't muster up the usual annoyance I feel at myself. Seeing them plus seeing my nephew made me feel certain that this trip was a good idea, that it was all worth it, even though it has been challenging. Besides, I'm almost positive I'm not going to get sick. I took Emergen-C for a few days before we left, I take a regular multivitamin every day, and I'm generally very physically healthy and have a great immune system.
The afternoon was a lot of fun too. I hung out in the hotel room with my wife and an old friend of ours from high school. I went to see my grandmother, who is the sweetest woman in the world. I don't think I know anyone who knows how to love people as unconditionally as she does. In the evening, I went back to my parents' again to hang out for a while. Despite doing all these different things, I managed to eat well the entire day!
Today I'm "embracing" my limits again. Both my family and my wife's family are having Thanksgiving meals / gatherings, but I decided not to go to either. I really wanted to go to the one with my wife's family, because I haven't gotten to see my sister-in-law or mother-in-law very much while here. But both gatherings are in another city, and I know a long drive, lots of people, and pressure to eat is likely going to result in me feeling "nauseous" for hours. I know I could handle it, but I really don't feel like forcing myself to get through something else. So I'm hanging out in the hotel for most of the day and seeing my family one more time tonight after they get back from their party. We're leaving early tomorrow morning, and possibly these last two days of driving will be just as bad as the first two days, so I'm sure it's a good idea to have a "chill day" before that.
This trip has really driven home the fact that there is a lot more work I need to do in order to get to the point where I can function the way I want to. I'm definitely going to be recommitting to recovery hardcore when we get home. Less thinking about and resenting my anxiety all the time and more actually doing the things that will help.
Oh, but the good news is that I didn't take any anti-nausea, anti-emetic, or anti-anxiety medicine on this trip. I either talked to my wife or used word searches and crosswords, my emWave, and affirmations to calm down. I'm really proud of that, and of how well I managed to eat overall despite feeling "sick" for hours every day. I suppose I can go as far as to say that this trip has been a good representation of the "emetophobia shmemetophobia" mentality. Not everything went perfectly, but I bounced back like a badass.
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