when in doubt, say yes

There hasn't been much change with my phobia lately. I still feel "sick" at least once a day, usually when I know I have to go somewhere soon or I'm already out somewhere. Or when it's early morning and I've woken up for some reason and want to get back to sleep.

For the most part, I don't feel a lot of anxiety, and I've also gotten way better at ignoring the fake sick feelings and moving on. But it feels like I've hit a plateau and can't get to the next level. I never want to do anything but sit around at home. I have to be talked into going anywhere. I'm even anxious at the thought of going on a walk around the neighborhood, because what if I start feeling ill and I'm several blocks away from home?

I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't new at all. I have been reluctant to leave the house almost my entire life. My friends in middle and high school usually had to talk me into going to the movies with them. I would always worry about it, especially if there were going to be people there who didn't know me that well and didn't know about my anxiety issues. What would they think if I started panicking? In other words, it's an ingrained habit to want to say no, one that may take a long time to change.

I guess I'm lucky in that I've always been aware that if I didn't keep forcing myself to do these things, day after day, year after year, it would quickly lead to very bad consequences (as in being unable to even walk out my front door). I've always told myself things like "you have to do this. You didn't do the last three things. Now do this one because none of them are ever going to be safe enough."

I do feel like I've gotten worse with regards to my tendency to want to be home. I lost the momentum I had in school, having a larger circle of friends, people who always wanted to hang out, events to go to, classes to attend. I started working from home, and now it sometimes feels like I don't even know how to be in public anymore.

But I also think I've gotten better in the past couple years at forcing myself to go out when the opportunity arises. It's definitely been my mantra this year - "when in doubt, say yes." If I'm unsure about doing something, if I'm thinking things like "I'm anxious about the idea of going to hang out with people" or "what if I get sick on this car ride?" or "what if this other bad thing happens?" then I take that as a clear sign that I have to go. That it would be bad for my mental health if I didn't. I don't want to let any of those thoughts dictate what I do, especially when it means I'm going to end up sitting at home watching TV some more. Even though I feel like that is what I'd rather do, and forcing myself to go somewhere else feels like self-punishment, I usually end up having a good time and am happy I went.

It's hard to work up the courage, and I've been forcing myself to think things like "so what if I go on this walk and end up getting sick three blocks away from home?" and trying to convince myself that I believe what I'm telling myself. I know I don't actually feel nonchalant about the possibility of that happening, but it works well enough for me to take the small risk of walking out the door. It works well enough for me to focus on the fact that I don't feel sick at that moment, and if I feel sick a few minutes later, after I've already left, oh well. I'll deal with those moments when I get to them.

It works for other situations too. Like sleeping. Sometimes I will be afraid to go to sleep because I don't feel well. It used to be that I would take that as a sign that I should stay up and wait until the "sick" feeling passed and I could be sure it was safe to sleep. Now I will go to bed anyway, and I tell myself that this doesn't necessarily mean I have to go to sleep. I'm not going to sleep, I'm just going to go lie in bed and see what happens. But once I'm lying in bed, in the dark, tired, I can't stop myself from drifting off even if I'm still half-worrying in the back of my mind.

And eating. I used to refuse to eat if I didn't feel well, even after I realized that lack of eating (low blood sugar) can also make you feel sick. Now I'm training myself to go get food when I don't feel well and haven't eaten in a while. It could be low blood sugar. Maybe not, but I'll eat at least a few bites of something and see what happens. Usually it starts to make me feel better and I eat the whole thing.

So basically, whatever my phobia is telling me I shouldn't do, I am doing. I think it's working out pretty well. I went on a weekend trip recently to a place that was a 3-hour drive away. I went to game night at a friend's house. I've been taking walks regularly. I've been saying yes to whatever comes up. I still wish I could get to the point where I actually wanted to say yes, but I may be far away from that point, and in the meantime, I'm happy to report that most of my yes-es are turning out to be fun enjoyable experiences.