CYEAT: Chapters 13 & 14

I finished the Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive book. Chapter 14 is a short “that’s the book, thanks for reading, keep working, and tell your friends!” kind of chapter, so I decided to combine these last two into one post.

Chapter 13 is amazing, because it sums up everything the book has covered, it breaks it down into sections and easy to follow outlines, and it drives home the key points you want to remember. It’s almost like you could skip the rest, just read this chapter, and you’d still be getting most of what you need. I mean that in the best possible way and am not trying to belittle the rest of the book. I think it’s helpful with a book like this - to not have to reread the entire thing later on when you start to forget. To be able to go back to one chapter and have this great summary that allows you to quickly recall everything.

There were definitely things about this book that annoyed me - the way the writing style sounded like an infomercial at times, how some sections seemed to over-explain (like the chapter on the difference between stress and anxiety) while others didn’t get the attention I thought they needed (I would have liked to have seen much more on battling the social anxiety component of this phobia, but I suppose you can always supplement with a book specifically about social phobia), and the author’s overconfidence in the methods and emphasis on “cure.” I get the sense that you could never say ‘this program didn’t cure me’ without hearing in response that it was because you didn’t fully understand some part of it or didn’t work hard enough or didn’t do one of the exercises enough times. I guess that’s something that applies to most self-help books though. It’s not an attitude that appeals to me, but maybe other people feel differently and think the author lacks credibility if they don’t have that die-hard belief that their methods (and only their methods) will always work in the end (and if not, the fault lies with you).

I am not cured. Again, I am not convinced this phobia can be fully cured. On the other hand, I certainly haven’t put the effort into this program that the author recommends (which includes at least 6-8 weeks of continuing to follow the program once you have finished the book, and then starting all over if you still aren’t cured), so the author could still say I haven’t done enough, and there is no way for me to prove it will never cure me, just as there’s no way for him to prove it will.

But I’m going to stop being hung up on that word “cure” now, and putting that aside, the book contains a lot of incredibly helpful information. It’s certainly the best emetophobia-related book out there (we don’t have many options at this point in time, but still), and overall I would say it’s worth reading and having in your possession as a reference.

It has made me think a lot (most of those thoughts have been documented here) and given me ideas on what more I can do to make my life better. I’m sure I will keep going back to it, re-working exercises, trying to internalize the more rational thought processes I know I should have. Practice always helps. And revisiting always helps, because even if you have heard about or read the same ideas a hundred times (such as how important it is to counter negative thoughts with positive ones), there is something about encountering those ideas again that is inspiring and motivating. That reminds you, ‘oh yeah, I haven’t been using affirmations and I really wanted to try that’ or ‘I know working through an exposure hierarchy would help me so much; I should start again and not give up on it this time.’ It’s easy to lose sight of all the many options you have for improving or changing things when you’re busy living your day to day life and reacting to the world based on your current instincts or coping mechanisms.

CYEAT: Chapter 11

I found this chapter really interesting because it talks more about unhealthy belief systems and about various types of reinforcement you receive.

First, there is the reinforcement of your actual fears or symptoms. If you get really anxious about a situation, then it might not go as well as it could have. You might even have a panic attack or react in a way that is embarrassing to you. This would (wrongly) reinforce that you were right to be anxious all along.

Another way you can reinforce your fears is by constantly asking the people around you to reassure you. Asking if they think you are sick, if you will get sick based on this thing that happened to you, if it’s safe to go on a boat, if this medication you were prescribed causes nausea, if they have ever experienced this specific physical symptom, etc. Asking these questions reinforces the idea in your head that you need to ask the questions because there is a need to fear these things, because these things are dangerous. Also, since people are usually nice and want to make you feel better, they will offer this reassurance you want, probably forever, for as long as you keep asking. Their reassurances also reinforce the idea that you have something to fear, and that you can’t handle it or solve the problem on your own.

My wife and I have discussed this before, because I ask her for reassurance sometimes - still too frequently, I’m sure. But it used to be a lot worse, especially when my anxiety was really bad, and she started giving me different responses to my requests for reassurance. Instead of telling me ‘no, you’re not sick’ or ‘yes, everything will be fine’ she would say ‘what do you think?’ and make me come up with the answer myself. Or if I asked if she thought I was sick, she might say something like ‘I don’t know, we’ll see.’ I think it helped me because I realized I wasn’t going to get what I wanted from her, so I stopped asking the questions as much and just turned instead to relaxation techniques to stop myself from obsessing about these worries. Or I relied on my own logic, common sense, past experiences and realized I couldn’t be certain what would happen, but I could figure out what was likely to happen.

This kind of reinforcement is everywhere you look in online support groups for emetophobia, which is why I am so wary of them and have spent very little time hanging out on those sites. The author seems to agree with me on this; he says that when you are frequently interacting with other people who have the same worries you do, it normalizes those worries. It also keeps them fresh in your mind, easily accessible, like lyrics you hear over and over. So for example, next time you have to get in a car, you might automatically think of the eight posts you saw recently from people worrying about carsickness. Even though being in a car doesn’t usually worry you that much, now you feel more anxious about it.

Another kind of reinforcement is positive reinforcement for having the phobia. This would be anything you feel you gain from being emetophobic. For example, going back to online support groups, you might start feeling close to the other people with emetophobia you have “met” and consider many of them friends. This could be an especially positive gain if you are usually isolated because of your anxiety issues and don’t have many friends. You have gained a social network, and maybe you will start to think that if you get better and the phobia doesn’t affect your life as much, you will lose that.

Or it could be that you have had the phobia for so long, it feels like a big part of who you are. It’s one of the things that makes you you, and other people in your life (like your closest friends) know that. If someone in a movie gets sick, your friend might automatically look over and ask if you are okay, and that feels good, to be known that well.

Maybe in general, you love the attention you get for having anxiety. It feels nice when the people around you care about you and want to take care of you. The author points out this is especially true when you have low self-esteem. And having a lot of social anxiety or general anxiety doesn’t help either, because again, it’s isolating and that can lead to cravings for social contact.

I know that’s definitely a factor for me. I am a very quiet, reserved person. I don’t know what the biggest cause is (social anxiety, introversion, shyness, stoicism - I am pretty sure they all contribute), but I don’t talk much, especially in groups, and I’ve been that way for most of my life. I also don’t do much. I have tended to sit at home most of the time, by myself, where things feel safer and I feel more in control. So from my perspective, it has always seemed like most of the attention I get is for having problems - anxiety related problems, usually. I don’t know any other way, because it feels like I’m not going to be the person who is dramatic, or tells a captivating hilarious story, or does something risky that amazes everyone. And even those moments when I have done something amazing and people have given me attention, it gets overwhelming for me very quickly and I want it to stop. It feels easier to be sort of chronically pitied by reminding people of your anxiety and limitations every so often. I don’t know. It’s weird.

None of that means that the problems aren’t real. I have severe anxiety. It just so happens that I sometimes get something positive out of it (or at least something that appears to be positive from my warped perspective). The author is pointing it out because it’s good to keep it in mind, to be aware of any obstacles that might stand in the way of recovery. A small part of you wanting to stay anxious because you get attention from it (or because you have anxious friends, or you run a popular anxiety-related blog, or whatever) is another obstacle to reflect on in order to figure out how to move past it.