CYEAT: Chapters 13 & 14

I finished the Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive book. Chapter 14 is a short “that’s the book, thanks for reading, keep working, and tell your friends!” kind of chapter, so I decided to combine these last two into one post.

Chapter 13 is amazing, because it sums up everything the book has covered, it breaks it down into sections and easy to follow outlines, and it drives home the key points you want to remember. It’s almost like you could skip the rest, just read this chapter, and you’d still be getting most of what you need. I mean that in the best possible way and am not trying to belittle the rest of the book. I think it’s helpful with a book like this - to not have to reread the entire thing later on when you start to forget. To be able to go back to one chapter and have this great summary that allows you to quickly recall everything.

There were definitely things about this book that annoyed me - the way the writing style sounded like an infomercial at times, how some sections seemed to over-explain (like the chapter on the difference between stress and anxiety) while others didn’t get the attention I thought they needed (I would have liked to have seen much more on battling the social anxiety component of this phobia, but I suppose you can always supplement with a book specifically about social phobia), and the author’s overconfidence in the methods and emphasis on “cure.” I get the sense that you could never say ‘this program didn’t cure me’ without hearing in response that it was because you didn’t fully understand some part of it or didn’t work hard enough or didn’t do one of the exercises enough times. I guess that’s something that applies to most self-help books though. It’s not an attitude that appeals to me, but maybe other people feel differently and think the author lacks credibility if they don’t have that die-hard belief that their methods (and only their methods) will always work in the end (and if not, the fault lies with you).

I am not cured. Again, I am not convinced this phobia can be fully cured. On the other hand, I certainly haven’t put the effort into this program that the author recommends (which includes at least 6-8 weeks of continuing to follow the program once you have finished the book, and then starting all over if you still aren’t cured), so the author could still say I haven’t done enough, and there is no way for me to prove it will never cure me, just as there’s no way for him to prove it will.

But I’m going to stop being hung up on that word “cure” now, and putting that aside, the book contains a lot of incredibly helpful information. It’s certainly the best emetophobia-related book out there (we don’t have many options at this point in time, but still), and overall I would say it’s worth reading and having in your possession as a reference.

It has made me think a lot (most of those thoughts have been documented here) and given me ideas on what more I can do to make my life better. I’m sure I will keep going back to it, re-working exercises, trying to internalize the more rational thought processes I know I should have. Practice always helps. And revisiting always helps, because even if you have heard about or read the same ideas a hundred times (such as how important it is to counter negative thoughts with positive ones), there is something about encountering those ideas again that is inspiring and motivating. That reminds you, ‘oh yeah, I haven’t been using affirmations and I really wanted to try that’ or ‘I know working through an exposure hierarchy would help me so much; I should start again and not give up on it this time.’ It’s easy to lose sight of all the many options you have for improving or changing things when you’re busy living your day to day life and reacting to the world based on your current instincts or coping mechanisms.

CYEAT: Chapter 12

Throughout this book, the author keeps dropping hints of a special technique he developed that you’re going to learn later to help reduce anxiety and change your negative thoughts. Well, in this chapter, that special technique is finally revealed, and I’m not all that surprised it was a bit of a let-down.

It’s not even that it’s not a good technique. It is just very similar to the anxiety-reducing advice you would get anywhere else, kind of a melding together of a few different common techniques (noticing and countering negative thoughts, positive visualization, self-esteem building).

The technique, I’m sure, could be helpful. It’s the trademarking and the weirdly intense hype that lead me into the mindset of ‘that’s it?’ Before finally telling you the technique, the author builds it up for several pages. I honestly feel like I am watching an infomercial at times. This will make your life substantially easier! Quick and simple! Anyone can learn it! You don’t need to believe it, just do it! Stop living a life that isn’t really the life you want! This may seem like other techniques you have used, but it is actually very unique!

It is a pretty short chapter, especially if you disregard the lengthy sales pitch. The exercise at the end is to keep a log of every time you can use this technique to combat an anxious or negative thought over the next week. If I’m wrong about the amazingness of this technique and it works much better in practice than it sounds, I’ll report back here.

One part of the technique is focused on detailed visualization of a positive outcome, and that is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Because I am great at envisioning everything that could go wrong, but I don’t put nearly enough effort into imagining something could go well. Or even adequately. And it has usually been the case that things don’t go quite as badly as I thought they would.

CYEAT: Chapter 11

I found this chapter really interesting because it talks more about unhealthy belief systems and about various types of reinforcement you receive.

First, there is the reinforcement of your actual fears or symptoms. If you get really anxious about a situation, then it might not go as well as it could have. You might even have a panic attack or react in a way that is embarrassing to you. This would (wrongly) reinforce that you were right to be anxious all along.

Another way you can reinforce your fears is by constantly asking the people around you to reassure you. Asking if they think you are sick, if you will get sick based on this thing that happened to you, if it’s safe to go on a boat, if this medication you were prescribed causes nausea, if they have ever experienced this specific physical symptom, etc. Asking these questions reinforces the idea in your head that you need to ask the questions because there is a need to fear these things, because these things are dangerous. Also, since people are usually nice and want to make you feel better, they will offer this reassurance you want, probably forever, for as long as you keep asking. Their reassurances also reinforce the idea that you have something to fear, and that you can’t handle it or solve the problem on your own.

My wife and I have discussed this before, because I ask her for reassurance sometimes - still too frequently, I’m sure. But it used to be a lot worse, especially when my anxiety was really bad, and she started giving me different responses to my requests for reassurance. Instead of telling me ‘no, you’re not sick’ or ‘yes, everything will be fine’ she would say ‘what do you think?’ and make me come up with the answer myself. Or if I asked if she thought I was sick, she might say something like ‘I don’t know, we’ll see.’ I think it helped me because I realized I wasn’t going to get what I wanted from her, so I stopped asking the questions as much and just turned instead to relaxation techniques to stop myself from obsessing about these worries. Or I relied on my own logic, common sense, past experiences and realized I couldn’t be certain what would happen, but I could figure out what was likely to happen.

This kind of reinforcement is everywhere you look in online support groups for emetophobia, which is why I am so wary of them and have spent very little time hanging out on those sites. The author seems to agree with me on this; he says that when you are frequently interacting with other people who have the same worries you do, it normalizes those worries. It also keeps them fresh in your mind, easily accessible, like lyrics you hear over and over. So for example, next time you have to get in a car, you might automatically think of the eight posts you saw recently from people worrying about carsickness. Even though being in a car doesn’t usually worry you that much, now you feel more anxious about it.

Another kind of reinforcement is positive reinforcement for having the phobia. This would be anything you feel you gain from being emetophobic. For example, going back to online support groups, you might start feeling close to the other people with emetophobia you have “met” and consider many of them friends. This could be an especially positive gain if you are usually isolated because of your anxiety issues and don’t have many friends. You have gained a social network, and maybe you will start to think that if you get better and the phobia doesn’t affect your life as much, you will lose that.

Or it could be that you have had the phobia for so long, it feels like a big part of who you are. It’s one of the things that makes you you, and other people in your life (like your closest friends) know that. If someone in a movie gets sick, your friend might automatically look over and ask if you are okay, and that feels good, to be known that well.

Maybe in general, you love the attention you get for having anxiety. It feels nice when the people around you care about you and want to take care of you. The author points out this is especially true when you have low self-esteem. And having a lot of social anxiety or general anxiety doesn’t help either, because again, it’s isolating and that can lead to cravings for social contact.

I know that’s definitely a factor for me. I am a very quiet, reserved person. I don’t know what the biggest cause is (social anxiety, introversion, shyness, stoicism - I am pretty sure they all contribute), but I don’t talk much, especially in groups, and I’ve been that way for most of my life. I also don’t do much. I have tended to sit at home most of the time, by myself, where things feel safer and I feel more in control. So from my perspective, it has always seemed like most of the attention I get is for having problems - anxiety related problems, usually. I don’t know any other way, because it feels like I’m not going to be the person who is dramatic, or tells a captivating hilarious story, or does something risky that amazes everyone. And even those moments when I have done something amazing and people have given me attention, it gets overwhelming for me very quickly and I want it to stop. It feels easier to be sort of chronically pitied by reminding people of your anxiety and limitations every so often. I don’t know. It’s weird.

None of that means that the problems aren’t real. I have severe anxiety. It just so happens that I sometimes get something positive out of it (or at least something that appears to be positive from my warped perspective). The author is pointing it out because it’s good to keep it in mind, to be aware of any obstacles that might stand in the way of recovery. A small part of you wanting to stay anxious because you get attention from it (or because you have anxious friends, or you run a popular anxiety-related blog, or whatever) is another obstacle to reflect on in order to figure out how to move past it.

CYEAT: Chapter 10

I don’t have much to say on this chapter other than it seems weirdly out of place. It probably would have made a better Chapter 1 or even part of the Introduction.

It discusses what the terms “anxiety” and “stress” mean in detail and the differences between them. Basically this boils down to: anxiety relates more to mental worries (thoughts and emotions), stress relates more to your body’s physiological responses to a perceived threat. Either one can cause the other, and sometimes the words are used interchangeably. Anxiety can be about something in the present moment, or it can be “anticipatory anxiety” - worrying about something in the future (and building it up in your mind so that it does end up being scarier than if you hadn’t worried about it for weeks beforehand).

It’s all a giant feedback loop. If you worry about something and tell yourself it is (or will be) terrible, you become more anxious and stressed. As you become more anxious and stressed, you worry about it more. You may worry so much that you can’t sleep. Not sleeping causes even more stress build-up because your body is not as equipped to deal with it. Stress plus this lack of bodily care can lead to you getting physically sick, which leads to more anxiety and stress (especially for emetophobics). Etc.

If you can intervene in the cycle and try to minimize the effects, it will help in all the other areas too. Fighting your negative thoughts lowers your anxiety, makes it more likely you will get a good night’s sleep, meaning you will be more able to handle the next day’s stress and will stay healthier.

CYEAT: Chapter 9

I wrote a post a few years ago about how important it is to choose the right words for your self-talk. When I am telling myself "I feel sick" or "I feel nauseous" I am reinforcing the idea in my head that I am actually sick or nauseous, when really it's most likely anxiety. So it would be better to say "I don't feel well right now" (just because it doesn't have that word "sick" in it, which carries all the visuals and associations I have with the concept of sickness) or "I feel anxious."

That is basically what this chapter is about - the way the language we use affects our emotions, thoughts, behavior, and ability to handle situations well.

I have mixed feelings about this concept. For a while, I was uncomfortable with the idea of affirmations and positive thinking, because I couldn't help seeing it as self-brainwashing. But I was in such a bad place, I didn't much care. I still recited positive thoughts to myself constantly, obsessively, trying to get back to being a person who could also feel positive emotions on a regular basis. And they really helped me, and that was awesome, although still in the back of my mind I was worried about self-brainwashing, about turning myself into someone who was happier but somehow not authentically me.

Then something occurred to me. Two things, actually. One was the idea that I could just as easily say I was un-brainwashing myself, because I had already brainwashed myself throughout my life to think negatively. Which then led to the realization that it was useless to fear self-brainwashing, because we are all doing it all the time, every second of every day, and we have no control over the fact that it happens. It is just happening. We’re thinking our thoughts, and those thoughts are changing us. I’m still slightly uncomfortable with the idea of actively taking control of this process, making the conscious choice that I’m going to think a certain way so that I’ll feel a certain way. But I think that is just because of my external locus of control and the fact that I don’t want to make decisions in my life because I’m always worried I will make the wrong ones.

Which is also a useless fear, because I can't escape making decisions. Even if I think I am choosing not to decide, that's a decision. And I'm pretty sure my chronically deciding not to decide is having a more harmful effect on my life than anything else.

Back to the book - the author includes many examples of negative statements we might think ("I should be able to do this by now" or "I couldn't do that") and examples of how to counter these negative statements ("I'm getting better at this every day", "I can do anything that I put my mind to").

I can get on board with this. I do think it's best to pick apart your negative thoughts and try to make them as positive as possible.

My only issue is that I feel like this strategy belittles some people's problems, and the author doesn't say anything about this. For example, there is an example where the negative thought is "This cancer is killing me - I'm going to die" and the positive replacement (which was focusing not just on making it positive instead of negative, but also active instead of passive) is "I own this cancer, I'm going to fight this thing." Positive thinking does help in all situations and it's possible it could even help you get over cancer. But I don't like the idea of someone being really sick, dying even, and the people around them insisting it's because they are not thinking positively enough.

So I guess what I'm saying is I believe positive thinking is an enormous help in all situations, but it's not guaranteed to change reality. If you're thinking "I couldn't do that" about lifting a car, you can't just keep telling yourself you can do anything, you're strong enough to lift this car. I suppose in that sort of situation you can tell yourself other positive things, such as "I'm sure if I trained really hard physically, I would get much stronger, even if I was never strong enough to lift a car." Or "even though this cancer might kill me, I can still enjoy my life fully as long as I have it."

Another point the author makes is that we shouldn't be so quick to apply medical labels. For example, if you say you're depressed, it could be harder for you to get over that feeling than if you just said you were feeling sad at the moment. Calling our worries about vomiting a phobia could make it harder to get over it. Saying "I'm addicted to smoking" could make it harder to stop smoking than if you said "I smoke because I want to." A medical label gets us entrenched in the idea that it's huge and scary and more permanent, that it's a condition, it's the way we are, and either we can't change it or it would be extremely difficult to change it.

I'm still torn on this one. I can see the logic, and I think some people do use these sorts of labels too freely - such as saying they are depressed when they are really just having a bad day. I think that is something our society does in general, not just about illness/mental illness. Most of us tend to want to stand out, and we want all of our experiences to be big and important. So we might walk out of a movie theater saying "that was the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life" when we know that's not true at all and we could think of 20 worse movies we have seen. Just because it sounds more fun and dramatic that way, better than just saying "that movie was not good."

But it sounds like the author is saying we should throw out all diagnoses, and I think that's an overreaction. Sometimes it feels really amazing to have a label for a problem you have had all your life, a problem that seems like this weird force acting on you that you can't understand until one day, you look around on the internet and find out it's called "emetophobia." And you read about it, and you say "this is me." I can still remember experiencing that moment (I was 11 years old), and in my memory it all seems magical, everything falling into place. Everything becoming understandable.

Yes, the downside to that might be that it reinforces it as a part of who you are. But honestly, before I found that word, it was already part of who I was. And I have seen other people with emetophobia leaving comments online along the lines of "Wow, I have had this problem for 40 years and now I finally know what it is, I am crying, I am so relieved, I always felt so weird and hid it from people" etc. Meaning they have lived most of their lives without that label, and it doesn't seem like it enabled them to get over the problem because they were downplaying it in their mind as just a quirk of theirs. Receiving that label can make you realize that it's an anxiety problem and that there are things you can do to get better.

So I pretty much don't agree with that particular part of the chapter. But I do think it's a good idea to refrain from labeling things inaccurately (referring to yourself as bipolar because of basic mood swings everyone has).

Basically, it all boils down to being careful with your language, analyzing it to determine if it is true, if it is too negative, what effect it could be having on you. I don't think there is a need to avoid saying you have a phobia at all costs. But if you are saying things on a regular basis that are having a negative effect on you (like "This phobia controls my whole life and I can't do anything about it") then it would be a really good idea to change that, because you will feel much happier and more in control of your life.

CYEAT: Chapter 8

This chapter looks at unhelpful thinking styles. I already knew most of them and have talked about some of them in other posts, but it is very useful information and I figure it’s always good to review and keep them fresh in my mind:

- Negative thinking (aka chronic pessimism)
- Obsessive thinking (you can’t stop brooding about things)
- Paranoid thinking (you think everything is about you - ties into social anxiety)
- Black and white thinking (extremist, not considering there could be a middle ground because you hate uncertainty and want things to be clear-cut)
- Catastrophic thinking (blowing up minor things into huge issues)
- Perfectionism (setting too high standards, being too hard on yourself)
- Hypervigilance (over-arousal, being too focused on what you consider to be dangerous signs in your body or surroundings)

Catastrophic thinking is one I know I’ve talked about before. The author claims all of these unhelpful thinking styles are common for people with emetophobia, and I would agree I have had trouble with all of them, but in my opinion catastrophizing is the one that seems to fit emetophobia most. It is usually the same thing we are blowing out of proportion every time - some harmless feeling in our bodies that we automatically think means we could be sick.

For me, that catastrophizing can then lead to all the other types: obsessing over the feeling and the worry that I am sick, being hypervigilant for signs of any changes to the feeling, being paranoid that if I did get sick everyone would notice and hate me, pushing myself to fight through the anxiety while maintaining my usual stoic appearance (perfectionism), and then, once the anxiety passes, thinking about how I can’t stand anxiety attacks and how much my life sucks because of anxiety (negative, black and white thinking).

The chapter includes tips on how to change these thinking styles, such as distracting yourself with some fun activity when you are obsessing, minimizing negative thoughts you have and focusing on what you can be grateful for instead, taking time to relax every day, and in general challenging your thinking Notice your negative thoughts, question whether they are true, revise them if they sound extreme (“That was the worst day ever. I will never be happy again” becomes “That was an unpleasant day, but I have no way of knowing what tomorrow will be like or how my feelings might change”).

It also discusses how we can gain things we feel we need from these unhelpful thinking styles. For example, if we continue to expect the worst, we know we won’t be disappointed or rejected, which is comforting in its own way. So I’m sure it’d be a good idea to think about why I might want or need to cling to certain bad thinking habits.

CYEAT: Chapter 7

I am not really sure what the point of this chapter is. It's supposed to be about personality types, but then only one personality typing system is discussed in-depth, and it's not clear why the author chose this particular one.

There are three basic personality types - the Carer, the Brooder, and the Dramatist. The chapter provides a detailed description of each type, and then there are exercises where you determine which type you are (primarily, because it says most people have aspects of all three), which type your best friend or significant other is, which type certain celebrities/characters are.

It felt like overkill, because the three personality types are easy to understand, and I had no problem choosing which one I most identify with (the Brooder, or the stoic worrying obsessive type). It seemed like choosing which one best describes your friend - or Steve Jobs - was just meant to help you drill all the characteristics into your head, so maybe that means the author will be coming back to them in future chapters and wants you to remember them clearly. Or maybe it was just pointless fun, like the Enneagram (I'm a 4).

Either way, I don't see what it has to do with emetophobia. The author's viewpoint seems to be that since these personality types are mainly sets of thinking styles and belief systems, it ties into the idea of changing your thinking, changing your beliefs, thus changing or influencing your personality for the better. If you know yourself well, then you will know what you need to change. Or something like that.

CYEAT: Chapter 6

This is a short chapter and seems kind of like a recap or intermission to me - reflecting on the last few chapters and hinting at what's to come.

You are reminded of the three underlying issues for emetophobia: external locus of control, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. The rest of the chapter explains how each one of these three negatively affects the other two (and gives examples).

If you have an external locus of control, it's going to lead to you having lower self-esteem and more social anxiety. If your self-esteem lowers, you're going to have more social anxiety and your locus of control will become more external. If your social anxiety increases, it will lower your self-esteem and again make your locus of control more external.

That's the bad news. The good news is that the same goes for moving in a positive direction. If you improve with any one of these three, it will lead to improvement with the other two. So you don't have to tackle fixing all three at once because even focusing on just one, you can't help but have an effect on the others at the same time.

Which is awesome and very hope-inspiring. I'm looking forward to the development of this idea and more specific tips on improving in the three areas.

CYEAT: Chapter 5

This chapter talks about the social anxiety component of emetophobia. It goes into what social anxiety is, how it manifests, why everyone has social anxiety to a degree, how the amount of social anxiety your parents have influences how much you will have, etc.

There is a quiz to measure how high your social anxiety is. I got an 85 out of 100, although I felt it was kind of unnecessary to take it. I already know I have terrible social anxiety. There are times I think my social anxiety has a worse effect on my life than my emetophobia. And I know they are connected, because as terrified as I am at the thought of getting sick in general, I am way more terrified by the thought of getting sick in front of other people. This includes my wife. I've never been able to decide how I would handle getting sick at home if she was around, because the emetophobic part of me would want her to stay, but the socially anxious part would want her to leave and go far, far away. I feel like the socially anxious part would probably win.

This is why I'm much more likely to have an emetophobia-related anxiety attack when I'm out in public. There is that added component of it feeling like the wrong / inappropriate place and fearing everyone will judge me or hate me.

So I agree, I definitely think the two issues are strongly linked. But this chapter was a let down for me. It's a lot of information I already knew, and the only advice given on how to deal with social anxiety is to notice when you are feeling it and challenge the thoughts - tell yourself you don't need to feel anxious and that you can handle the situation. I know it's good to challenge your thoughts and tell yourself positive things, but to me, this is presented way too simplistically in this case. It sounds like it boils down to "Feeling socially anxious? Well, don't. You don't need to, so tell yourself that and stop!" When I am out walking alone and feeling terrified at the thought of the cars driving by and the people inside them looking at me, I am well aware this is irrational and I can handle the situation. Reminding myself of this doesn't stop the pattern of feeling anxious, hating it, and avoiding walking alone.

The author hints you will get better at challenging negative thoughts by the end of the book, so I'm hoping there is more to come that will help in this area. In the meantime, there are a lot of helpful tips for coping with social anxiety online. Helpguide.org is one of my favorite sites. I feel like they always do a great job covering issues and various treatments - this is their page on social anxiety.

CYEAT: Chapter 4

One of the premises of this book is that there are three main issues underlying emetophobia (and most other mental health problems): an external locus of control, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. Chapter 3 focused on locus of control, and this chapter focuses on the self-esteem component.

The chapter starts with a quiz to determine your level of self-esteem (a list of statements for you to agree or disagree with), and I scored super low - 10%. I can't say I'm surprised based on the statements they provided. One of the statements is "I find it really hard to ask someone out on a date" and I find it hard to believe anyone would disagree with that. That's a difficult thing to do.

I have been conflicted about this topic for most of my life, because I think I am very arrogant in some areas of my life, or at certain moments. Some of the thoughts that pop into my head make me think I can't possibly have low self-esteem. But I've been giving it a lot of thought over the past year or so and have come to the conclusion that most of this "arrogance" is a defensive act. I have developed a habit of acting superior and putting other people down (thinking I have better taste in literature than anyone else, or I'm more intelligent, etc.) because I feel so ridiculously inadequate. Which is a despicable personality trait to have and something I want to change, because there's no excuse for thinking or acting like you're above other people. But yeah, that's what it is. It really started hitting me when I noticed that any time I am out in public and feel nervous, I'll start trying to look incredibly bored and over everything and everyone around me. I feel like if I can convince the world it's unimportant and beneath me, I'll be fine and it can't have any negative effect on me.

Also, a person's self-esteem can fluctuate, and this chapter does an amazing job of explaining that. First of all, people with an external locus of control are going to be strongly influenced by whatever situation they are in currently. If they are doing well on a project for work, high self-esteem. If a minute later, their boss comes in and criticizes them, self-esteem plummets just like that and they can't remember why they were ever feeling good about themselves.

Self-esteem can change very quickly. It just depends on what you are focusing on in your life. If you're focusing on all the things you don't think you have done well, it's going to be low. But if you make an effort to focus more on what you've done well lately, it will be high. The main exercise for the chapter is to list anything you've done lately that makes you feel good about yourself and carry that list around with you. Anything, even if it seems small (paying a bill or buying a present for a family member). Review it frequently. Add new things and bump old ones off the list. Focus more on what you are doing well than the mistakes you think you've made. It will make you think more highly of yourself, which leads to having more confidence, taking more chances, doing more things well.

For some reason, the author includes an Amazon website testimonial from someone helped by this self-esteem exercise at the end of the chapter. This was the only part that turned me off and made me feel (again) suspicious of the motives here. I feel sometimes like this book is trying harder to convince you it can help you than actually helping you. I already bought it, why does it seem like it's still being marketed to me?

But still, it's raised a lot of good points and included some really good advice so far. I'll keep trying to overlook the blatant posturing.

CYEAT: Chapter 3

Definitely the most interesting chapter so far. It talks about locus of control, how you can have an internal locus of control or an external locus of control.

People with an internal locus of control basically believe they have more control over their lives, the ability to influence events, a positive attitude. They think they have the skills to handle whatever comes. In the face of circumstances that can't be controlled (such as a loved one dying), they believe they are able to deal with the challenge or trauma and are more resilient as a result.

People with an external locus of control are the opposite. They are more negative and believe that what happens in their life depends on external factors (fate, luck, gods, or other "powerful"/authority figures controlling what happens to them) instead of what they themselves do. They tend to be more submissive and helpless. When something beyond their control happens, they don't believe they can handle it.

The author claims all people with emetophobia have an external locus of control. We also have a high desire for control, and when you combine the two, you end up with a ton of anxiety (because you are always feeling powerless and ill-equipped to deal with anything) and constant attempts to control everything you can, even the most insignificant things.

Which of course describes me perfectly. The quiz earlier in the book was to determine if you had an internal or external locus of control, and when I went back and reviewed my answers, I scored a 20 which apparently is an extreme external locus of control.

The main way I try to stay in control is by avoiding anything that I think might put me at risk - going on long trips or public transportation, taking medication, drinking alcohol, eating foods that seem risky, etc. - but there are other more active controlling behaviors too that I don't think about as much. I wash my hands excessively. I ask people questions constantly - ask them to reassure me about things I'm worried about, confirm I'm remembering facts correctly, make my decisions for me (from the insignificant to the huge and life-changing). I have certain numbers I feel are lucky or unlucky. I frequently use the website random.org to make my decisions for me.

In fact, this reminds me of a conversation I had the other day where I was saying that I would rather use a computer to generate an answer than flip a coin. Flipping a coin doesn't feel random enough to me, because I am holding/tossing the coin and thus it feels like I could somehow influence the outcome. And I want NO responsibility for the outcome, because I feel like I would make the wrong decision, whether consciously or subconsciously. (Of course I am still pushing the button to generate the computer's answer, and if I pushed the button a second earlier or later, I would get a different answer. Thinking about this drives me crazy.)

One of the exercises in the chapter was to go back to your quiz answers and identify your external beliefs, then choose 5 that seem the easiest to change, and work on changing them. For example, one of mine is that the number 23 is unlucky, and I could work on telling myself that's not true and making sure I don't avoid that number.

But as much as I agree with this concept and the idea of changing external beliefs and working on thinking in a more 'internal locus of control' way, I felt like some of the "external beliefs" from the quiz shouldn't be changed. So I was a little conflicted at this section. For example, one of the external beliefs was "I believe that you cannot make someone fall in love with you - if it is right it will happen." Do I really want to change that belief? What's the alternative - believing that you can convince people to fall in love with you? I suppose that may be true to an extent, but besides it being weird and manipulative, I don't see the point.

Still, in general it's good advice. Try to think of ways you tell yourself you don't or can't control something. Figure out what factors you think are controlling your life ("this day is ruined because of the rain" or "I can't change because my parents made me this way") and reframe your thoughts to put yourself in control again.

CYEAT: Chapter 2

Chapter 2 focuses on cognition and how the way you think affects your mood, your anxiety, your outlook on life (similar to chapter 1’s belief systems affecting your perception). It also goes into visualization, which I always find interesting.

The author talks about Coué's Law of Reversed Effort, which says (I'm paraphrasing) that when you want one thing to happen, but you are imagining or worrying about a different outcome, what you imagine will have a stronger effect than what you want. You can make it more likely something will happen by imagining/visualizing it.

Of course, that’s not always going to be true. If you want to have a safe flight and are worrying the plane will crash, you won’t make it crash. If you are worrying you will vomit, it’s very unlikely you will make yourself vomit. But you can make yourself feel “nauseous” and convinced you’re going to vomit by worrying you’re going to vomit, or even by worrying you’re going to feel nauseous.

Another example the author gives is losing a sports game because you’re imagining how awful it would be to lose, which then makes you anxious and causes you to lose your focus. Basically, your thoughts, your belief systems, your imagination, all of it, can influence your feelings and anxiety level, and that can have an effect on your behavior too.

To counteract this, it’s best to 1) tell yourself positive things and 2) visualize what you want to happen instead of what you fear might happen. Seems pretty common sense, right? Putting happy thoughts/images in your head can only have good results.

It’s difficult to do though. I spent months after my breakdown drilling affirmations into my head. I’ve gotten to the point where I can pull them out during an anxiety attack (and they are really helpful), but in general, I’m still usually thinking negative thoughts and putting myself down. It’s such a strong habit. And I hardly even know how to form a picture of what I want to happen when I’m so used to visualizing the worst outcome for every situation. The book recommends practicing these positive visualizations on a regular basis, sitting down for 5-10 minutes at a time and really fleshing out the visuals. I’m definitely going to start doing that.

CYEAT: Chapter 1

Ah, belief systems! The first chapter explores how your beliefs about the world influence the way you perceive the world, and how your perceptions then reinforce those beliefs.

For example, if you believe knocking on wood will bring you good luck, you're going to notice every single time you knock on wood and then something good happens. This will reinforce your belief. You're less likely to notice/remember the times you knock on wood and something bad happens.

Or (for a more negative emetophobia-related example) if you assume you're going to feel "sick" any time you go out somewhere, you will tend to notice the times you go out and don't feel well while overlooking the times you go out and feel fine. This is definitely one of my beliefs. I will complain to my wife that this always happens, that I can't ever go anywhere without feeling "sick" from anxiety, and she will remind me this isn't true and point out specific examples. She can see the whole picture, whereas I only see the bad because I'm invested in my belief - probably because 1) I get extremely frustrated and want to be able to express it in an extreme way ("this always happens" instead of "I hate that this ever happens") and 2) knowing there is potential to experience anxiety makes me want to stay home and if I can believe going out will always result in a struggle, it's that much easier to talk myself out of doing things.

Today was one of those good days that defies this belief. I went to see the new movie Into the Woods, which is pretty long (about 2 hours), and I didn't feel "sick" once.

At the end of the chapter there were a couple exercises about identifying what beliefs you have that may be limiting you (nothing about how to change them yet) and also a quiz, which excited me because I love taking quizzes. But at the end of the quiz there was no scoring or commentary. The author just said to set it aside and the book would come back to it later. Intriguing.

Nothing ground-breaking yet. I already know I have many flawed and harmful beliefs. But of course, it never hurts to remind yourself of these things. Even knowing I have these beliefs, I still don't always realize when I am reinforcing them and behaving as if they are true.

CYEAT: Introduction

In the introduction to Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive, the author includes a first-person declaration that the reader is supposed to sign. The declaration says things like "I intend to overcome my emetophobia" and "I will complete all the exercises in this book with vigour", etc. Then a place to sign your name and date it.

On the page after the declaration, he asks anyone who didn't sign to think about why they didn't sign. He offers suggestions such as maybe you thought it was silly or wouldn't make any difference. But it got me thinking about why, in a broader sense, I sometimes feel wary about trying to cure this phobia.

First of all, I very much doubt it can be cured, at least not completely. I feel like at the very least you would still have moments in your life, moments where you had a stressful week or were really tired, where it would creep back out again.

But mere moments would be an improvement, obviously, and something to strive for. My next thought is that getting to that stage of 'mere moments' of anxiety would obviously be difficult and horribly unpleasant. The introduction talks about this too, how you have to put in a lot of time and work and complete all the exercises. Then I end up putting those two thoughts together and come up with: I could spend so much time doing these difficult unpleasant things and in the end, it's possible it still wouldn't make any difference.

The author mentions that he thinks exposure therapy (inducing vomiting) would help many people with this phobia, but they won't do it: "Their desire for control tends to be so strong that they would not let themselves undergo exposure therapy - even for just one day, if they were guaranteed a cure."

That's the problem though. No one can be guaranteed a cure. Honestly, if I was guaranteed a cure after one day, I would induce vomiting for sure. That's not reality. Reality is that you would probably have to do it several times to desensitize yourself, which would take more than one day, and there is no guarantee it would be successful. Without that guarantee, it's not worth it. In my mind anyway.

Another thing that makes me uneasy is thinking about how if I was cured, I would probably vomit more frequently than I do now. I get caught in that emetophobic feedback loop where I'm horrified thinking I would vomit, then remind myself that since I was cured I wouldn't care, but still feel freaked out by the thought. The present me feels sorry for the future me who would be cured and thus would not protect herself adequately by the standards of present me. It doesn't make sense. But I keep circling back around to what is essentially a fear of being cured.

Then there is the fact that I have had this phobia my entire life, as long as I can remember anyway, and it is such a huge part of me that it feels like part of my identity. Sometimes I can't imagine who I would be without it. And it's always scary to think about losing a huge part of who you are, even if it's a sick part that's holding you back in so many ways.

So those are my reservations. All that being said, if someone came up to me, handed me a pill, and told me that if I took it I would throw up once and then be cured forever, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know that's not possible, but it's a nice fantasy.

I do want to commit to the experience of this book as much as possible and see if it can help any (even if it doesn't actually cure), so I will sign the declaration (well, write it out and then sign it, since I bought the ebook version). Since they say it's so important to do so. Full speed ahead!

thrive!

I bought the Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive book a while ago, and I decided I'm finally going to start reading it. I'm certain it will not cure my phobia and can't say I'm too pleased they decided to give it that title, but I figure there has to be something helpful in there. Even the worst anxiety self-help books I've read have had at least a few good tips.

So here goes. Putting my skepticism/cynicism aside (as much as possible).

And I'm going to live-blog this potentially miraculous experience.