CYEAT: Chapter 12

Throughout this book, the author keeps dropping hints of a special technique he developed that you’re going to learn later to help reduce anxiety and change your negative thoughts. Well, in this chapter, that special technique is finally revealed, and I’m not all that surprised it was a bit of a let-down.

It’s not even that it’s not a good technique. It is just very similar to the anxiety-reducing advice you would get anywhere else, kind of a melding together of a few different common techniques (noticing and countering negative thoughts, positive visualization, self-esteem building).

The technique, I’m sure, could be helpful. It’s the trademarking and the weirdly intense hype that lead me into the mindset of ‘that’s it?’ Before finally telling you the technique, the author builds it up for several pages. I honestly feel like I am watching an infomercial at times. This will make your life substantially easier! Quick and simple! Anyone can learn it! You don’t need to believe it, just do it! Stop living a life that isn’t really the life you want! This may seem like other techniques you have used, but it is actually very unique!

It is a pretty short chapter, especially if you disregard the lengthy sales pitch. The exercise at the end is to keep a log of every time you can use this technique to combat an anxious or negative thought over the next week. If I’m wrong about the amazingness of this technique and it works much better in practice than it sounds, I’ll report back here.

One part of the technique is focused on detailed visualization of a positive outcome, and that is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Because I am great at envisioning everything that could go wrong, but I don’t put nearly enough effort into imagining something could go well. Or even adequately. And it has usually been the case that things don’t go quite as badly as I thought they would.

CYEAT: Chapter 11

I found this chapter really interesting because it talks more about unhealthy belief systems and about various types of reinforcement you receive.

First, there is the reinforcement of your actual fears or symptoms. If you get really anxious about a situation, then it might not go as well as it could have. You might even have a panic attack or react in a way that is embarrassing to you. This would (wrongly) reinforce that you were right to be anxious all along.

Another way you can reinforce your fears is by constantly asking the people around you to reassure you. Asking if they think you are sick, if you will get sick based on this thing that happened to you, if it’s safe to go on a boat, if this medication you were prescribed causes nausea, if they have ever experienced this specific physical symptom, etc. Asking these questions reinforces the idea in your head that you need to ask the questions because there is a need to fear these things, because these things are dangerous. Also, since people are usually nice and want to make you feel better, they will offer this reassurance you want, probably forever, for as long as you keep asking. Their reassurances also reinforce the idea that you have something to fear, and that you can’t handle it or solve the problem on your own.

My wife and I have discussed this before, because I ask her for reassurance sometimes - still too frequently, I’m sure. But it used to be a lot worse, especially when my anxiety was really bad, and she started giving me different responses to my requests for reassurance. Instead of telling me ‘no, you’re not sick’ or ‘yes, everything will be fine’ she would say ‘what do you think?’ and make me come up with the answer myself. Or if I asked if she thought I was sick, she might say something like ‘I don’t know, we’ll see.’ I think it helped me because I realized I wasn’t going to get what I wanted from her, so I stopped asking the questions as much and just turned instead to relaxation techniques to stop myself from obsessing about these worries. Or I relied on my own logic, common sense, past experiences and realized I couldn’t be certain what would happen, but I could figure out what was likely to happen.

This kind of reinforcement is everywhere you look in online support groups for emetophobia, which is why I am so wary of them and have spent very little time hanging out on those sites. The author seems to agree with me on this; he says that when you are frequently interacting with other people who have the same worries you do, it normalizes those worries. It also keeps them fresh in your mind, easily accessible, like lyrics you hear over and over. So for example, next time you have to get in a car, you might automatically think of the eight posts you saw recently from people worrying about carsickness. Even though being in a car doesn’t usually worry you that much, now you feel more anxious about it.

Another kind of reinforcement is positive reinforcement for having the phobia. This would be anything you feel you gain from being emetophobic. For example, going back to online support groups, you might start feeling close to the other people with emetophobia you have “met” and consider many of them friends. This could be an especially positive gain if you are usually isolated because of your anxiety issues and don’t have many friends. You have gained a social network, and maybe you will start to think that if you get better and the phobia doesn’t affect your life as much, you will lose that.

Or it could be that you have had the phobia for so long, it feels like a big part of who you are. It’s one of the things that makes you you, and other people in your life (like your closest friends) know that. If someone in a movie gets sick, your friend might automatically look over and ask if you are okay, and that feels good, to be known that well.

Maybe in general, you love the attention you get for having anxiety. It feels nice when the people around you care about you and want to take care of you. The author points out this is especially true when you have low self-esteem. And having a lot of social anxiety or general anxiety doesn’t help either, because again, it’s isolating and that can lead to cravings for social contact.

I know that’s definitely a factor for me. I am a very quiet, reserved person. I don’t know what the biggest cause is (social anxiety, introversion, shyness, stoicism - I am pretty sure they all contribute), but I don’t talk much, especially in groups, and I’ve been that way for most of my life. I also don’t do much. I have tended to sit at home most of the time, by myself, where things feel safer and I feel more in control. So from my perspective, it has always seemed like most of the attention I get is for having problems - anxiety related problems, usually. I don’t know any other way, because it feels like I’m not going to be the person who is dramatic, or tells a captivating hilarious story, or does something risky that amazes everyone. And even those moments when I have done something amazing and people have given me attention, it gets overwhelming for me very quickly and I want it to stop. It feels easier to be sort of chronically pitied by reminding people of your anxiety and limitations every so often. I don’t know. It’s weird.

None of that means that the problems aren’t real. I have severe anxiety. It just so happens that I sometimes get something positive out of it (or at least something that appears to be positive from my warped perspective). The author is pointing it out because it’s good to keep it in mind, to be aware of any obstacles that might stand in the way of recovery. A small part of you wanting to stay anxious because you get attention from it (or because you have anxious friends, or you run a popular anxiety-related blog, or whatever) is another obstacle to reflect on in order to figure out how to move past it.

CYEAT: Chapter 6

This is a short chapter and seems kind of like a recap or intermission to me - reflecting on the last few chapters and hinting at what's to come.

You are reminded of the three underlying issues for emetophobia: external locus of control, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. The rest of the chapter explains how each one of these three negatively affects the other two (and gives examples).

If you have an external locus of control, it's going to lead to you having lower self-esteem and more social anxiety. If your self-esteem lowers, you're going to have more social anxiety and your locus of control will become more external. If your social anxiety increases, it will lower your self-esteem and again make your locus of control more external.

That's the bad news. The good news is that the same goes for moving in a positive direction. If you improve with any one of these three, it will lead to improvement with the other two. So you don't have to tackle fixing all three at once because even focusing on just one, you can't help but have an effect on the others at the same time.

Which is awesome and very hope-inspiring. I'm looking forward to the development of this idea and more specific tips on improving in the three areas.

CYEAT: Chapter 4

One of the premises of this book is that there are three main issues underlying emetophobia (and most other mental health problems): an external locus of control, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. Chapter 3 focused on locus of control, and this chapter focuses on the self-esteem component.

The chapter starts with a quiz to determine your level of self-esteem (a list of statements for you to agree or disagree with), and I scored super low - 10%. I can't say I'm surprised based on the statements they provided. One of the statements is "I find it really hard to ask someone out on a date" and I find it hard to believe anyone would disagree with that. That's a difficult thing to do.

I have been conflicted about this topic for most of my life, because I think I am very arrogant in some areas of my life, or at certain moments. Some of the thoughts that pop into my head make me think I can't possibly have low self-esteem. But I've been giving it a lot of thought over the past year or so and have come to the conclusion that most of this "arrogance" is a defensive act. I have developed a habit of acting superior and putting other people down (thinking I have better taste in literature than anyone else, or I'm more intelligent, etc.) because I feel so ridiculously inadequate. Which is a despicable personality trait to have and something I want to change, because there's no excuse for thinking or acting like you're above other people. But yeah, that's what it is. It really started hitting me when I noticed that any time I am out in public and feel nervous, I'll start trying to look incredibly bored and over everything and everyone around me. I feel like if I can convince the world it's unimportant and beneath me, I'll be fine and it can't have any negative effect on me.

Also, a person's self-esteem can fluctuate, and this chapter does an amazing job of explaining that. First of all, people with an external locus of control are going to be strongly influenced by whatever situation they are in currently. If they are doing well on a project for work, high self-esteem. If a minute later, their boss comes in and criticizes them, self-esteem plummets just like that and they can't remember why they were ever feeling good about themselves.

Self-esteem can change very quickly. It just depends on what you are focusing on in your life. If you're focusing on all the things you don't think you have done well, it's going to be low. But if you make an effort to focus more on what you've done well lately, it will be high. The main exercise for the chapter is to list anything you've done lately that makes you feel good about yourself and carry that list around with you. Anything, even if it seems small (paying a bill or buying a present for a family member). Review it frequently. Add new things and bump old ones off the list. Focus more on what you are doing well than the mistakes you think you've made. It will make you think more highly of yourself, which leads to having more confidence, taking more chances, doing more things well.

For some reason, the author includes an Amazon website testimonial from someone helped by this self-esteem exercise at the end of the chapter. This was the only part that turned me off and made me feel (again) suspicious of the motives here. I feel sometimes like this book is trying harder to convince you it can help you than actually helping you. I already bought it, why does it seem like it's still being marketed to me?

But still, it's raised a lot of good points and included some really good advice so far. I'll keep trying to overlook the blatant posturing.