In a month, we're going to be taking a trip to Virginia to visit family. We'll be driving, and the drive down there takes about 12-14 hours. I'm starting to get really nervous about it. The last time we took a road trip, it was to a city about three hours away. I had a horrible anxiety attack during the drive, and the stress of it not only ruined the trip, but it stayed with me for months even after getting back home.
As a test run, we are taking another smaller trip this weekend to upstate Vermont. This drive will only be one and a half to two hours, nowhere near the length of the VA drive, so maybe it isn't the most challenging test run possible, but that's probably a good thing. I think what I really need is some confidence-boosting, and hopefully this is small and easy enough that it will be a complete success. Plus we're going to be eating breakfast once we get there, in a diner that I've never been to before, so that will make the whole experience a little scarier. My goals are to eat a small snack before we leave, eat a normal-sized breakfast at the diner, and keep my anxiety down as much as possible.
It's already starting to get cold here, and we have had to turn our heat on a few times in the past week. Not being used to it, I got a mild sore throat for a couple days, and ever since then, I have been on edge about every tiny little thing happening in my body and have convinced myself several times that I am coming down with some illness. I'm seriously frustrated with myself. I don't think I have been working hard enough at fighting these irrational thoughts. I've been neglecting affirmations. I'm going to take a list of them with me on this car trip so that they will be easily accessible if/when I get anxious.
"I don't need these thoughts. I can choose to think differently."
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
CBT websites
I'm lucky enough to have access to regular therapy, but I know that's not the case for everyone. Even with it, most of the work you do is on your own. I usually prefer working through self-help workbooks, but I have also spent a lot of time on these two websites MoodGYM and E-couch. They both walk you through cognitive behavioral therapy skills and have a bunch of exercises you can do to practice. They're free, as opposed to the workbooks, and you don't have to worry about running out of space when you write your answers (or having to make twenty copies of a certain worksheet).
There is also this Beacon website where you can browse through other online self-help programs.
There is also this Beacon website where you can browse through other online self-help programs.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
yoga / anxiety cat
I reached my yoga goal - three times this week. Now if I can just keep going, establish that as a routine, I'd be so happy. There are a bunch of other things I should be doing to improve my health (sleeping more, balancing my diet, etc.), but it never works out for me when I try to tackle them all at the same time, so I am focusing on just one for now. When I'm all set with the yoga, then I'll move on to something else.
I only started doing yoga about a year ago, so I still consider myself a novice (especially since I have not been able to consistently stick with it yet). It took me a while to find a DVD I liked. At first, I was using one that was way too easy, and I felt like I wasn't doing anything. Then I switched to another and had the opposite problem - it was super advanced. I couldn't even keep up with that one. Eventually I started using this YogaAway one, and it works perfectly for me, for now anyway. I love it because 1) it repeats each position/stretch several times, giving you ample opportunity to get the feel of it and make sure you are doing it correctly, and 2) the voice-over tells you exactly when to breathe in and when to breathe out the entire way through (and in a way that isn't awkward). I have a hard time maintaining deep breathing on my own, so I find that really helpful.
My anxiety has been higher than usual this past week, and aside from yoga, I've been trying to ride it out with funny movies and websites. I found this Anxiety Cat tumblr today and laughed over it for a long time. I can relate to almost every one of the entries.
I only started doing yoga about a year ago, so I still consider myself a novice (especially since I have not been able to consistently stick with it yet). It took me a while to find a DVD I liked. At first, I was using one that was way too easy, and I felt like I wasn't doing anything. Then I switched to another and had the opposite problem - it was super advanced. I couldn't even keep up with that one. Eventually I started using this YogaAway one, and it works perfectly for me, for now anyway. I love it because 1) it repeats each position/stretch several times, giving you ample opportunity to get the feel of it and make sure you are doing it correctly, and 2) the voice-over tells you exactly when to breathe in and when to breathe out the entire way through (and in a way that isn't awkward). I have a hard time maintaining deep breathing on my own, so I find that really helpful.
My anxiety has been higher than usual this past week, and aside from yoga, I've been trying to ride it out with funny movies and websites. I found this Anxiety Cat tumblr today and laughed over it for a long time. I can relate to almost every one of the entries.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
projection
Another thing I wanted to talk about from that book (No Boundary: Eastern and Western Approaches to Personal Growth by Ken Wilber).
Part of the book talked about the psychological concept of projection and how everything we feel is just a projection of a deeper subconscious feeling. Like if we feel obligated to do something, it's because we actually want to do it - otherwise, we wouldn't care at all and would feel no obligation. For anxiety, the deeper subconscious feeling is excitement. I started thinking this over and wondering if some part of me could feel excited about vomiting. Which is impossible to imagine. But if I substitute "fear of losing control" for "fear of vomiting" I can easily imagine having a subconscious feeling of excitement about losing control. I even consciously fantasize sometimes about being a different person, one that isn't reserved and uptight all the time. Of course, that's assuming "fear of losing control" has anything to do with this phobia. I feel that it does, but I don't know for sure what the main underlying "cause" is.
But the concept also seems to fit with the social anxiety I have. If someone doesn't care at all about social interaction, about being around other people, then chances are they won't have social anxiety (or they'll have it, but it will have no effect on their life). It's only going to bother someone who deep down is excited about being around people, talking to people, having other people look at them, etc. And thinking about it that way makes me feel more willing to face the anxiety. For example, at some point during the class I'm taking, I'm supposed to give a presentation, and I've been thinking about it and dreading it ever since I heard about it. But put the nice projection spin on it, and I know that deep down, I'm actually dying to give that presentation. So why try to think up ways to get out of it?
Part of the book talked about the psychological concept of projection and how everything we feel is just a projection of a deeper subconscious feeling. Like if we feel obligated to do something, it's because we actually want to do it - otherwise, we wouldn't care at all and would feel no obligation. For anxiety, the deeper subconscious feeling is excitement. I started thinking this over and wondering if some part of me could feel excited about vomiting. Which is impossible to imagine. But if I substitute "fear of losing control" for "fear of vomiting" I can easily imagine having a subconscious feeling of excitement about losing control. I even consciously fantasize sometimes about being a different person, one that isn't reserved and uptight all the time. Of course, that's assuming "fear of losing control" has anything to do with this phobia. I feel that it does, but I don't know for sure what the main underlying "cause" is.
But the concept also seems to fit with the social anxiety I have. If someone doesn't care at all about social interaction, about being around other people, then chances are they won't have social anxiety (or they'll have it, but it will have no effect on their life). It's only going to bother someone who deep down is excited about being around people, talking to people, having other people look at them, etc. And thinking about it that way makes me feel more willing to face the anxiety. For example, at some point during the class I'm taking, I'm supposed to give a presentation, and I've been thinking about it and dreading it ever since I heard about it. But put the nice projection spin on it, and I know that deep down, I'm actually dying to give that presentation. So why try to think up ways to get out of it?
Saturday, October 8, 2011
centaur / mind-body
I've been trying to figure out what my little blog picture should be, what image could be associated with emetophobia. I'm reading this book No Boundary: Eastern and Western Approaches to Personal Growth by Ken Wilber, and a couple nights ago I got to this part of the book that was talking about the centaur as a representation of a unified mind-and-body:
"A centaur is a legendary animal, half human and half horse, and so it well represents a perfect union and harmony of mental and physical. A centaur is not a horse rider in control of her horse, but a rider who is one with her horse. Not a psyche divorced from and in control of a soma, but a self-controlling, self-governing, psychosomatic unity."
I love this. This is the emetophobic issue. We see our bodies as "the enemy" that we have to fight and master. It's the source of what we fear, so we want to escape it, but it's not something that can be escaped. It's us.
I want to get rid of this mind-body split, and in order to do that, I really need to commit to doing more things that will relax my body. In other words, not just sitting around and reading all the time, as fun as that is. I'm going to start doing yoga again. There was a brief period of time many months ago where I was doing yoga on a regular basis, and I know it was helping me. I really can feel how doing the stretches and then releasing the tension makes my body feel better and also seems to allow me to tune in to different parts of my body in a way that is pretty foreign to me. I don't know why it is so hard for me to stick with the habit. I would love to eventually get to the point where I do it every day, but I think for now, my goal is going to be three times a week. Starting this week. Here's hoping that posting this will keep me accountable.
"A centaur is a legendary animal, half human and half horse, and so it well represents a perfect union and harmony of mental and physical. A centaur is not a horse rider in control of her horse, but a rider who is one with her horse. Not a psyche divorced from and in control of a soma, but a self-controlling, self-governing, psychosomatic unity."
I love this. This is the emetophobic issue. We see our bodies as "the enemy" that we have to fight and master. It's the source of what we fear, so we want to escape it, but it's not something that can be escaped. It's us.
I want to get rid of this mind-body split, and in order to do that, I really need to commit to doing more things that will relax my body. In other words, not just sitting around and reading all the time, as fun as that is. I'm going to start doing yoga again. There was a brief period of time many months ago where I was doing yoga on a regular basis, and I know it was helping me. I really can feel how doing the stretches and then releasing the tension makes my body feel better and also seems to allow me to tune in to different parts of my body in a way that is pretty foreign to me. I don't know why it is so hard for me to stick with the habit. I would love to eventually get to the point where I do it every day, but I think for now, my goal is going to be three times a week. Starting this week. Here's hoping that posting this will keep me accountable.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
online study
I think I may be the last person in the online emetophobic community to come across this, but just in case that's not true:
www.emetstudy.org
It's an online treatment program / study. I signed up for it, and I'm really excited.
www.emetstudy.org
It's an online treatment program / study. I signed up for it, and I'm really excited.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
body visualization
I just finished reading Molecules of Emotion by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D. She's a scientist, and the book focuses mostly on her research involving peptides and receptors in the body. There was definitely much more scientific/medical jargon than I was prepared for, as I was kind of expecting a basic psychological self-help book. But I love science, and she breaks it down to the point where I could follow what she was saying most of the time, so I didn't really mind pushing through those parts. Especially because she interspersed the science with autobiographical narrative.
In the second half of the book, she started to pull it all together and talk more about health and emotions. Basically, through her research she has developed a holistic body-mind outlook: emotions are in the body and not just the mind; the mind can influence the body, and the body can influence the mind (a two-way communication); all systems tie together (immune, endocrine, nervous, etc.) and communicate with each other. I think most of these ideas would not be surprising to anyone these days. The book was written over a decade ago, so it was probably a more revolutionary message back then. But it was still interesting to read about the actual science behind it. At the very end, she tied spirituality into it too, another subject that fascinates me, so the book ended up containing almost every topic I adore: science, history, personal narrative, sexism / feminism, psychology, health, and religion / spirituality.
My original intention in reading it was to find something that might help me with my anxiety though, and on that front, there wasn't much that I didn't already know or hadn't already tried. She did inspire me with her many little anecdotes about using visualization to actually bring about changes in the body. For example, she talked about visualizing her pituitary gland releasing endorphins and how as a result of doing this, she could actually feel the endorphins being released and traveling all over her body, lifting her mood. I am a super skeptical person, and my thoughts immediately went to "maybe she just imagined this happening." But does that even make sense, saying she only "imagined" an increase in happiness? She still felt happier either way, which is the whole point. Goal achieved.
A similar story talked about a man who broke his elbow and then spent twenty minutes each day visualizing blood flowing to the site of the injury, which apparently resulted in the injury healing much faster than would normally be the case.
Since reading that, I've been experimenting a little with this kind of body visualization, focusing on my stomach / digestive area and imagining the resources of my body - blood, peptides, molecules, energy, whatever - all going to that one spot. The book describes the entire body and everything working within it as an "information network" so that I can imagine my stomach as an area that needs more research, since I usually find myself out of touch with it. Often I will find myself in the bizarre situation of knowing that I should be hungry (as a healthy person who last ate several hours ago) but not actually being able to feel that hunger. It's like my stomach is not accessible to me. I will get headaches or feelings of fatigue that alert me to my hunger without ever having passed through the stage where I felt it in my stomach.
The other morning before going out to breakfast, I tried this. I am not a morning person, and when I am tired, what's happening in my stomach is even more indecipherable to me. Then anxiety can take over and interpret the "strange" / unidentifiable feeling as fullness, or worse, nausea. But having just woken up, I know logically I must be hungry, since I haven't eaten for about twelve hours. I tried the visualization exercise, and it seemed to work after only ten to twenty minutes. I wouldn't say I was ravenous, but I began to feel like I could eat without there being any danger. I began to get a sense that the "strange" feeling was one of emptiness.
Which I find promising. In general, I am and always have been focused on the mind over the body. I loved school, and I love reading and writing and exploring ideas. I tend to see my body as an annoyance or (more frequently) as something to fear, and I really want to change this perspective. I want to learn to be aware of it in a more detached / mindful way, and I'm hoping one day I'll get to the point where enjoying my body, taking pleasure in it, is the rule rather than the exception.
In the second half of the book, she started to pull it all together and talk more about health and emotions. Basically, through her research she has developed a holistic body-mind outlook: emotions are in the body and not just the mind; the mind can influence the body, and the body can influence the mind (a two-way communication); all systems tie together (immune, endocrine, nervous, etc.) and communicate with each other. I think most of these ideas would not be surprising to anyone these days. The book was written over a decade ago, so it was probably a more revolutionary message back then. But it was still interesting to read about the actual science behind it. At the very end, she tied spirituality into it too, another subject that fascinates me, so the book ended up containing almost every topic I adore: science, history, personal narrative, sexism / feminism, psychology, health, and religion / spirituality.
My original intention in reading it was to find something that might help me with my anxiety though, and on that front, there wasn't much that I didn't already know or hadn't already tried. She did inspire me with her many little anecdotes about using visualization to actually bring about changes in the body. For example, she talked about visualizing her pituitary gland releasing endorphins and how as a result of doing this, she could actually feel the endorphins being released and traveling all over her body, lifting her mood. I am a super skeptical person, and my thoughts immediately went to "maybe she just imagined this happening." But does that even make sense, saying she only "imagined" an increase in happiness? She still felt happier either way, which is the whole point. Goal achieved.
A similar story talked about a man who broke his elbow and then spent twenty minutes each day visualizing blood flowing to the site of the injury, which apparently resulted in the injury healing much faster than would normally be the case.
Since reading that, I've been experimenting a little with this kind of body visualization, focusing on my stomach / digestive area and imagining the resources of my body - blood, peptides, molecules, energy, whatever - all going to that one spot. The book describes the entire body and everything working within it as an "information network" so that I can imagine my stomach as an area that needs more research, since I usually find myself out of touch with it. Often I will find myself in the bizarre situation of knowing that I should be hungry (as a healthy person who last ate several hours ago) but not actually being able to feel that hunger. It's like my stomach is not accessible to me. I will get headaches or feelings of fatigue that alert me to my hunger without ever having passed through the stage where I felt it in my stomach.
The other morning before going out to breakfast, I tried this. I am not a morning person, and when I am tired, what's happening in my stomach is even more indecipherable to me. Then anxiety can take over and interpret the "strange" / unidentifiable feeling as fullness, or worse, nausea. But having just woken up, I know logically I must be hungry, since I haven't eaten for about twelve hours. I tried the visualization exercise, and it seemed to work after only ten to twenty minutes. I wouldn't say I was ravenous, but I began to feel like I could eat without there being any danger. I began to get a sense that the "strange" feeling was one of emptiness.
Which I find promising. In general, I am and always have been focused on the mind over the body. I loved school, and I love reading and writing and exploring ideas. I tend to see my body as an annoyance or (more frequently) as something to fear, and I really want to change this perspective. I want to learn to be aware of it in a more detached / mindful way, and I'm hoping one day I'll get to the point where enjoying my body, taking pleasure in it, is the rule rather than the exception.
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