Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Sunday, October 13, 2013
emetophobia and high school
I hate having emetophobia, obviously. It impacts every area of my life and generally makes everything a little more difficult. But I’ve been thinking lately about what it was like to have this phobia during high school, and I have to say that was probably one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced – getting through every single day of those four years while having to deal with this fear. I’m so glad to have that behind me and have the utmost respect for anyone still in that situation, because it is incredibly difficult.
You are pretty much trapped in one building for the entire day, going straight from one class to another. You have all the usual stress of schoolwork, interacting with your classmates (some of them nice, some of them psychotic), interacting with teachers and counselors and administrators and security guards and bus drivers (some of them nice, some of them psychotic), and then when you add anxiety issues and panic attacks to all of that, things start to get incredibly messed up.
I definitely made the situation worse, because I didn’t take care of myself physically in any way. I thought it was fine to get four to six hours of sleep a night. I usually skipped breakfast and sometimes lunch too. Many days I just ate one giant meal after I got home from school and that was it. Plus my diet consisted mostly of things like frozen pizza and soda (yes, tons and tons of caffeine), which I guess is pretty normal for adolescents, but definitely not healthy. I wasn’t even really aware at the time of how unhealthy all this was, but I’m certain it’s the reason I had horrible stomach aches so frequently.
I’ve been remembering some of the ways I used to cope with these stomach aches and the anxiety that came along with them. For the most part, my coping skills back then were pretty unhealthy and I would not recommend them, but I’m going to list everything.
***
1) Probably my main coping mechanism was to dig my nails into my skin (usually the backs of my thumbs or other fingers) as a distraction from my stomach hurting. Not the worst form of self-harm, but it did sometimes leave marks that were embarrassing.
2) I skipped school a lot more than I should have because of feeling “sick” when I woke up in the morning.
3) Along the same lines, I went to the nurse’s office an abnormal amount of times and sometimes went home early from school. This fluctuated. I went through periods where I was in the nurse’s office almost every day, and other times it would be more like once a month.
4) I guess you could say skipping breakfast/lunch was a coping skill I used, although a really bad and counterproductive one. I was even afraid to drink anything at times and would end up dehydrating myself.
5) I would leave class to go to the bathroom just to calm myself down. Getting myself out of the classroom where I felt trapped would usually make me feel a lot better, and then I could convince myself that whatever was happening was mostly in my head. But obviously I could only do this one time per class, so I had to try to save it for when I really needed it. Sometimes I would break down early and then regret it later in the class.
6) In my notes for class, I would draw lines, each one representing a minute, for however many minutes were left in the class. I would watch the clock and keep telling myself “I can get through this next minute. I can get through this next minute” and then scribble through each minute line as the minutes passed.
7) I had a bunch of questions I asked myself to try to determine if I was actually ill, like "if I was home right now, would I still be feeling this way?"
8) I heavily relied on my friends. I was open with almost all of them about my phobia. Most of them understood, even if some didn’t grasp the full extent of the problem. My closest friends knew almost everything about it and were an amazing support system. It was so great to be able to talk to them and have them reassure me. They had mental health issues of their own, and we actually had a simple hand code to communicate with each other about how we were feeling (for when we were around a lot of other people, or when we were in class but sitting across the room from each other). Holding up a hand meant “are you okay?” or “what’s going on?” Then two fingers meant the person was sad, three fingers meant the person was fine, four fingers meant the person was anxious. One finger was the response that only I used. It meant “I feel sick” and everything implied along with that.
After a while we started using these numbers in our notes/emails and when speaking to each other too. I can remember many times answering the question “what’s wrong?” with “I feel one” or “oneness.” Even though “oneness” is basically a philosophy of unity/harmony to everyone else in the world, it will always make me think of feeling anxiety-related sickness.
Anyway, having that code and knowing that I usually had someone around who would understand how I was feeling was a big comfort to me.
***
I would say numbers 5-8 are the only good responses, and #5 is iffy since it’s better to wait out your anxiety than flee the situation you’re in.
I so wish I had been aware of all the anxiety-reducing techniques I know now during those years. I know just making the changes to my diet and sleep schedule would have had such a huge impact on how I felt, and using affirmations, mindfulness, and breathing techniques would have helped with the rest.
But I would recommend telling friends if at all possible. Unless your friends are jerks and you know they would only use the information to make fun of you or torment you (in which case it might be a good idea to get some new friends), having them know takes so much pressure off. Before I started telling people, it felt like this huge weight/burden and this shameful secret I had to keep, and that tended to make the anxiety attacks even worse, feeling like I was not just trapped in the situation and in the feeling of anxiety but also trapped inside my mind, alone, with the secret of what was happening to me.
I still find that in any situation where I feel anxious, if I can say it out loud to the person I’m with, it helps diffuse a lot of the anxiety. And most people are understanding about it, many more than I would have imagined back when I tried to hide it.
In general, I was embarrassed by the way I acted a lot of the time in high school. I’m still embarrassed thinking back on some of these things. So I just want to say that if anyone reading this is in high school and feels this way, cut yourself some slack. Emetophobia and high school don’t mix well. You’re basically a superhero for every day you deal with both. Whatever you can do to get through it (aside from hurting yourself/others), it won’t be that big a deal in the long run. And college (where you have a little more freedom to design your schedule and can include breaks between your classes) is not nearly as terrible.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
list of self-help books
I'm pretty sure I've talked about all of these books before in other posts, but I thought it might be helpful to have them all listed in one place.
If you're not able to get any of these, please check out this post where I linked to some great free websites that help guide you through anxiety-fighting techniques.
1) The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook - Edmund J. Bourne
If you can only buy one book from this list, this should be the one you get. In my opinion, it is the best book on anxiety out there. It covers so many different skills, techniques, and exercises. It has information on all the different anxiety disorders, anxiety-related research, types of medication, good nutrition and exercise habits, etc.
The only downfall is that if you're in the middle of an anxiety crisis, the amount of information it contains can be a little overwhelming. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I wouldn't sit down and read through the entire book all at once. It is more manageable one chapter at a time. Each one gives you so much to think about that it is probably better to take breaks anyway, just to let it all sink in.
2) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies - Rhena Branch and Rob Willson
This book was very helpful for me. I was new to trying any kind of CBT work, and it lays out the methods in simple, easy to understand ways. It has tons of exercises to work through (charts to fill out, questions to answer) to understand the faulty/irrational ways you think/act and to help you correct those thoughts and behaviors. It also includes chapters on using CBT to help with depression, low self-esteem, maintaining relationships. I skipped most of that and only worked through the anxiety-focused chapters.
3) Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life - Steven C. Hayes and Spencer Smith
I've been meaning to take a second look at this one. I really didn't care for it when I started working through it the first time. It focuses on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and I am a much bigger fan of CBT than ACT. ACT teaches that rather than trying to control your thoughts, you should just accept them and learn to live your life with the anxiety (or other unpleasant emotional pain), still doing everything you want to despite the problems you have.
For one thing, I feel it is possible to control your thoughts and change your behaviors. It's extremely difficult, but I have seen it happen in small ways with myself. For another thing, when it comes to emetophobia, I get confused as to how you can just accept it the way it is and push yourself to live your life. But I don't think I got far enough in the book to be able to say I fully understand their method.
4) Living with Emetophobia: Coping with Extreme Fear of Vomiting - Nicolette Heaton-Harris
I wrote a detailed post about this book after I read it. To summarize, I feel it is a helpful book if you are looking for validation of your issue, a detailed description of your problem and everything you have to deal with, or if you want someone else to understand and you are looking for a book to explain emetophobia to them. The book is about the author's experience of living with emetophobia, and if you have emetophobia too, it's likely you'll relate to most of it. It's also likely that there are some anxiety thoughts that the author has but you don't have, and the book could be triggering in that sense. You could end up acquiring new anxiety thoughts/behaviors, so I would be careful when reading this one, if you decide to.
5) The Miracle of Mindfulness - Thich Nhat Hanh
This book is an in-depth look at meditation and mindfulness, two techniques that can be helpful in fighting anxiety. There is also a lot of Buddhism in the book. I'm not a very religious or spiritual person. But you can skim past those parts. I would say probably the best part of the book is near the end, the section called "Exercises in Mindfulness". There is also a section after that called "Selection of Buddhist Sutras" - both of these sections can give you ideas to help with meditation or mindfulness.
6) Overcoming Health Anxiety - Rob Willson and David Veale
This book is similar to the CBT workbook for dummies. It walks you through CBT techniques and exercises, only in this book it specifically applies them to health anxiety. I have a lot of general health anxiety on top of emetophobia, so I found it really helpful.
The book also contains a chapter dedicated to emetophobia. I didn't think that chapter was as helpful as the rest of the book. I would say the same thing about it as the Living with Emetophobia book described above - it is a good description of emetophobia, but it could be triggering and give you more things to worry about that you hadn't been worrying about before. It had that effect on me, but luckily, by now I think I've forgotten all the new worries it gave me. If I was reading the book over now, I would just skip that chapter. The exercises in the rest of the book can be applied to emetophobia as well as any other health anxiety.
7) Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder - Jonathan Grayson
I don't have OCD, but during the time period where my anxiety was the worst, I started having a bunch of horrible intrusive thoughts/obsessions that bothered me even more than my emetophobia. I bought this to try to figure out how to deal with those, and it is an amazing book. I would actually recommend it to anyone with an anxiety problem, even if it's not OCD.
The premise of the book is that for people with OCD (and I would say any anxiety disorder), their main problem is that they are unable to accept uncertainty in life. This is so true for me, and it's something I've thought about frequently ever since reading this. So if I was worrying I was sick, instead of telling myself that it is extremely unlikely that I will get sick and in CBT-fashion using logic to try to prove that, I would tell myself "you might get sick, and you should deal with that possibility because the alternative of not being able to deal with it is ruining your life." I suppose it might be similar to ACT (acceptance of anxiety versus fighting it), but the way the author related it all to the fear of uncertainty made so much more sense to me. The book also focuses on exposure and response prevention, or exposing yourself to your fears and then preventing yourself from engaging in irrational behaviors as a result.
Just a warning, a large chunk of the book deals with specific OCD problems, like checking, counting, etc., and if you don't have those issues, there is probably no need for you to read any of that. I felt the rest of it was worth getting through those (for me) unnecessary sections.
If you're not able to get any of these, please check out this post where I linked to some great free websites that help guide you through anxiety-fighting techniques.
1) The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook - Edmund J. Bourne
If you can only buy one book from this list, this should be the one you get. In my opinion, it is the best book on anxiety out there. It covers so many different skills, techniques, and exercises. It has information on all the different anxiety disorders, anxiety-related research, types of medication, good nutrition and exercise habits, etc.
The only downfall is that if you're in the middle of an anxiety crisis, the amount of information it contains can be a little overwhelming. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I wouldn't sit down and read through the entire book all at once. It is more manageable one chapter at a time. Each one gives you so much to think about that it is probably better to take breaks anyway, just to let it all sink in.
2) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies - Rhena Branch and Rob Willson
This book was very helpful for me. I was new to trying any kind of CBT work, and it lays out the methods in simple, easy to understand ways. It has tons of exercises to work through (charts to fill out, questions to answer) to understand the faulty/irrational ways you think/act and to help you correct those thoughts and behaviors. It also includes chapters on using CBT to help with depression, low self-esteem, maintaining relationships. I skipped most of that and only worked through the anxiety-focused chapters.
3) Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life - Steven C. Hayes and Spencer Smith
I've been meaning to take a second look at this one. I really didn't care for it when I started working through it the first time. It focuses on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and I am a much bigger fan of CBT than ACT. ACT teaches that rather than trying to control your thoughts, you should just accept them and learn to live your life with the anxiety (or other unpleasant emotional pain), still doing everything you want to despite the problems you have.
For one thing, I feel it is possible to control your thoughts and change your behaviors. It's extremely difficult, but I have seen it happen in small ways with myself. For another thing, when it comes to emetophobia, I get confused as to how you can just accept it the way it is and push yourself to live your life. But I don't think I got far enough in the book to be able to say I fully understand their method.
4) Living with Emetophobia: Coping with Extreme Fear of Vomiting - Nicolette Heaton-Harris
I wrote a detailed post about this book after I read it. To summarize, I feel it is a helpful book if you are looking for validation of your issue, a detailed description of your problem and everything you have to deal with, or if you want someone else to understand and you are looking for a book to explain emetophobia to them. The book is about the author's experience of living with emetophobia, and if you have emetophobia too, it's likely you'll relate to most of it. It's also likely that there are some anxiety thoughts that the author has but you don't have, and the book could be triggering in that sense. You could end up acquiring new anxiety thoughts/behaviors, so I would be careful when reading this one, if you decide to.
5) The Miracle of Mindfulness - Thich Nhat Hanh
This book is an in-depth look at meditation and mindfulness, two techniques that can be helpful in fighting anxiety. There is also a lot of Buddhism in the book. I'm not a very religious or spiritual person. But you can skim past those parts. I would say probably the best part of the book is near the end, the section called "Exercises in Mindfulness". There is also a section after that called "Selection of Buddhist Sutras" - both of these sections can give you ideas to help with meditation or mindfulness.
6) Overcoming Health Anxiety - Rob Willson and David Veale
This book is similar to the CBT workbook for dummies. It walks you through CBT techniques and exercises, only in this book it specifically applies them to health anxiety. I have a lot of general health anxiety on top of emetophobia, so I found it really helpful.
The book also contains a chapter dedicated to emetophobia. I didn't think that chapter was as helpful as the rest of the book. I would say the same thing about it as the Living with Emetophobia book described above - it is a good description of emetophobia, but it could be triggering and give you more things to worry about that you hadn't been worrying about before. It had that effect on me, but luckily, by now I think I've forgotten all the new worries it gave me. If I was reading the book over now, I would just skip that chapter. The exercises in the rest of the book can be applied to emetophobia as well as any other health anxiety.
7) Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder - Jonathan Grayson
I don't have OCD, but during the time period where my anxiety was the worst, I started having a bunch of horrible intrusive thoughts/obsessions that bothered me even more than my emetophobia. I bought this to try to figure out how to deal with those, and it is an amazing book. I would actually recommend it to anyone with an anxiety problem, even if it's not OCD.
The premise of the book is that for people with OCD (and I would say any anxiety disorder), their main problem is that they are unable to accept uncertainty in life. This is so true for me, and it's something I've thought about frequently ever since reading this. So if I was worrying I was sick, instead of telling myself that it is extremely unlikely that I will get sick and in CBT-fashion using logic to try to prove that, I would tell myself "you might get sick, and you should deal with that possibility because the alternative of not being able to deal with it is ruining your life." I suppose it might be similar to ACT (acceptance of anxiety versus fighting it), but the way the author related it all to the fear of uncertainty made so much more sense to me. The book also focuses on exposure and response prevention, or exposing yourself to your fears and then preventing yourself from engaging in irrational behaviors as a result.
Just a warning, a large chunk of the book deals with specific OCD problems, like checking, counting, etc., and if you don't have those issues, there is probably no need for you to read any of that. I felt the rest of it was worth getting through those (for me) unnecessary sections.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
accomplishments
I finally did it. I made a doctor's appointment for a check-up. It's at the end of August, and I'm already really worried about it. I can't even put my finger on why exactly, but I guess it's a fear that I'll find out I have some horrible health problem. Or that I have one, but it won't be identified, because I will forget to bring something up or describe something incorrectly. I feel like I should make some long list of all my concerns to take with me, so I don't forget anything. But that would probably be annoying, huh?
I also have been trying to take better care of myself physically - exercising and eating healthy. I wouldn't say I'm doing either enough, but I'm keeping it in mind as a constant goal, and I have been doing better than usual. Last Friday I took the day off work and dedicated the day to relaxation. I didn't speak all day (just thought it'd be nice to have an atmosphere of absolute quiet). I tried to eat all my meals mindfully. I took a long walk around town (it was a gorgeous sunny day) and then did about 45 minutes of yoga. I worked on some writing projects and then later that evening, I listened to my meditation CD. It was the perfect vacation day.
Then over the weekend, I went to see the new Pixar movie Brave. There were of course children in the theater, and as a general rule, I try to stay away from them. They scare me quite a bit, because I see them as being constantly sick. Seriously, it seems like my (almost 2 year old) nephew is sick with something different every single week, sometimes things I have never heard of. But I was able to handle the movie without feeling much extra anxiety. I tensed up slightly every time one of the children walked by me and kind of leaned away from them. That was about it. The movie was incredible, by the way. It was the best kids' movie I've seen in a long time.
After the movie, I went out to eat at a restaurant I've only been to once before. I was really hungry and ate a lot, including dessert. I only had a little anxiety, and it was in the car after leaving, when I realized how full I felt. But it (the anxiety) passed quickly.
I'm so happy with all of this. I feel like I'm doing really well, other than freaking out about the doctor's appointment. It's not for a while, which could either mean I have plenty of time to calm down about it or that I have plenty of time to get more and more anxious. Of course, that's up to me and what I choose to think, so... time for affirmations!
I also have been trying to take better care of myself physically - exercising and eating healthy. I wouldn't say I'm doing either enough, but I'm keeping it in mind as a constant goal, and I have been doing better than usual. Last Friday I took the day off work and dedicated the day to relaxation. I didn't speak all day (just thought it'd be nice to have an atmosphere of absolute quiet). I tried to eat all my meals mindfully. I took a long walk around town (it was a gorgeous sunny day) and then did about 45 minutes of yoga. I worked on some writing projects and then later that evening, I listened to my meditation CD. It was the perfect vacation day.
Then over the weekend, I went to see the new Pixar movie Brave. There were of course children in the theater, and as a general rule, I try to stay away from them. They scare me quite a bit, because I see them as being constantly sick. Seriously, it seems like my (almost 2 year old) nephew is sick with something different every single week, sometimes things I have never heard of. But I was able to handle the movie without feeling much extra anxiety. I tensed up slightly every time one of the children walked by me and kind of leaned away from them. That was about it. The movie was incredible, by the way. It was the best kids' movie I've seen in a long time.
After the movie, I went out to eat at a restaurant I've only been to once before. I was really hungry and ate a lot, including dessert. I only had a little anxiety, and it was in the car after leaving, when I realized how full I felt. But it (the anxiety) passed quickly.
I'm so happy with all of this. I feel like I'm doing really well, other than freaking out about the doctor's appointment. It's not for a while, which could either mean I have plenty of time to calm down about it or that I have plenty of time to get more and more anxious. Of course, that's up to me and what I choose to think, so... time for affirmations!
Friday, October 28, 2011
emetophobia survey
Friday night of a hectic week. Sounds like a good time for a survey, followed by a lot of lying around and not working for two days. I've seen this posted a few places - not sure where it came from originally.
1. Does your family know of your Emetophobia? I don't think so. To make a long story short, we have serious communication issues in my family.
2. Do your friends know of your Emetophobia? Yeah, probably all of them do. I'm pretty open about it.
3. Would you tell a stranger that you have Emetophobia? I guess it depends. I think the only strangers I have told are doctors / dentists so that 1) they would prescribe me anti-emetics 2) they wouldn't prescribe me anything with nausea or vomiting as a main side effect. It doesn't usually come up in normal conversation for me.
4. If you are currently in a relationship, how long did you wait to tell your partner? We were friends for a while before we started dating, so she already knew all about it.
5. Are you scared to have kids? Of course. But underneath all the fear, I don't think I want kids anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it. My life is pretty stress-free compared to the average person's life, and I have a hard time handling that tiny amount of stress. I can't imagine adding the stress of raising children to that.
6. If you are a mom who suffers from Emetophobia, how do you deal with the struggles of your kids being sick? N/A, but I'm sure I wouldn't deal with it well at all. I feel panicked even when our cat throws up and usually run to hide in the next room.
7. What age did you discover that you had a problem? I was around 11 and found a website describing emetophobia. I can't remember if I was actively looking for an explanation. I had recently had some problems with missing a lot of school because of "feeling sick," so maybe.
8. What type of methods have you tried to reach recovery? I've never really believed I could get rid of the phobia completely, but to cope better, I have tried just about everything. Exposure therapy, talk therapy, CBT, ACT, affirmations, all the basic relaxation techniques (meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, visualization), yoga, mindfulness, and hypnosis. Most of this I still do, because I find it all helpful. The only thing I haven't given a fair chance is long-term medication. The side effects scare me too much, so both times I tried it, I stopped after the first dose.
9. When was the last time you have thrown up and why? I was nine years old, and I'm pretty sure it was just a basic stomach virus.
10. When was the last time you saw someone else throw up? I'm not sure I remember. I've done a really good job of avoiding seeing it, even if all I could do was shut my eyes or turn my back on it. I feel like my last "direct experience" with it was December 2007 when I went into a stall in a communal bathroom in my college dorm building and then heard the girl in the stall right next to me start throwing up. I ran out right away.
11. What type of foods do you avoid? I don't think I avoid any food all the time, it's more situational. I avoid cooking any raw meat myself, because I don't trust myself to do it right, plus I don't want to deal with that kind of "contamination" stress. I hate trying anything new, so usually I make my wife try it first, and if she doesn't get violently ill from it (she never does), I might have some. I'm afraid of restaurants I've never been to before, so I try to stick with chains. Same for groceries - I have my safe "brands" and hate buying a different brand or the generic brand. When I know I have to go out somewhere, or when I am already in public, I try to go for simple / bland foods only like sandwiches or pasta. Oh, and I always avoid alcohol. The only alcohol I've had in my life was a tiny sip of champagne when I was really young (New Year's Eve).
1. Does your family know of your Emetophobia? I don't think so. To make a long story short, we have serious communication issues in my family.
2. Do your friends know of your Emetophobia? Yeah, probably all of them do. I'm pretty open about it.
3. Would you tell a stranger that you have Emetophobia? I guess it depends. I think the only strangers I have told are doctors / dentists so that 1) they would prescribe me anti-emetics 2) they wouldn't prescribe me anything with nausea or vomiting as a main side effect. It doesn't usually come up in normal conversation for me.
4. If you are currently in a relationship, how long did you wait to tell your partner? We were friends for a while before we started dating, so she already knew all about it.
5. Are you scared to have kids? Of course. But underneath all the fear, I don't think I want kids anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it. My life is pretty stress-free compared to the average person's life, and I have a hard time handling that tiny amount of stress. I can't imagine adding the stress of raising children to that.
6. If you are a mom who suffers from Emetophobia, how do you deal with the struggles of your kids being sick? N/A, but I'm sure I wouldn't deal with it well at all. I feel panicked even when our cat throws up and usually run to hide in the next room.
7. What age did you discover that you had a problem? I was around 11 and found a website describing emetophobia. I can't remember if I was actively looking for an explanation. I had recently had some problems with missing a lot of school because of "feeling sick," so maybe.
8. What type of methods have you tried to reach recovery? I've never really believed I could get rid of the phobia completely, but to cope better, I have tried just about everything. Exposure therapy, talk therapy, CBT, ACT, affirmations, all the basic relaxation techniques (meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, visualization), yoga, mindfulness, and hypnosis. Most of this I still do, because I find it all helpful. The only thing I haven't given a fair chance is long-term medication. The side effects scare me too much, so both times I tried it, I stopped after the first dose.
9. When was the last time you have thrown up and why? I was nine years old, and I'm pretty sure it was just a basic stomach virus.
10. When was the last time you saw someone else throw up? I'm not sure I remember. I've done a really good job of avoiding seeing it, even if all I could do was shut my eyes or turn my back on it. I feel like my last "direct experience" with it was December 2007 when I went into a stall in a communal bathroom in my college dorm building and then heard the girl in the stall right next to me start throwing up. I ran out right away.
11. What type of foods do you avoid? I don't think I avoid any food all the time, it's more situational. I avoid cooking any raw meat myself, because I don't trust myself to do it right, plus I don't want to deal with that kind of "contamination" stress. I hate trying anything new, so usually I make my wife try it first, and if she doesn't get violently ill from it (she never does), I might have some. I'm afraid of restaurants I've never been to before, so I try to stick with chains. Same for groceries - I have my safe "brands" and hate buying a different brand or the generic brand. When I know I have to go out somewhere, or when I am already in public, I try to go for simple / bland foods only like sandwiches or pasta. Oh, and I always avoid alcohol. The only alcohol I've had in my life was a tiny sip of champagne when I was really young (New Year's Eve).
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
more on road trips
The test run drive went really well. I didn't even need to get out my written affirmations. It was a quiet, non-stressful drive. Most of the time we were surrounded by farmland. On the way there, I could feel the anxiety start in my stomach at times, and I just tried to bring my attention back to the external world - the music playing, the scenery. I read somewhere (no clue where, my brain is way overloaded with self-help books and websites) about playing a game with yourself to calm down where you look for something that starts with the letter "A", then the letter "B", etc. So I used that to distract myself too.
Sometimes when I start to "feel sick" I view it as a kind of black and white transition where I've left the realm of calmness / happiness, and that's it - now there's no going back. But on this drive I happened to be able to tap into logic (for once) and realize that only a few seconds had passed between feeling absolutely fine and feeling "off" in some way. Obviously I still was absolutely fine and was able to return to feeling that way with a little effort.
I felt a little "sick" after eating in the restaurant too, but it didn't last long, maybe about five to ten minutes of the drive back home. All in all, I'm super pleased with how it went, although I do keep thinking about how tame a challenge it was compared to the much longer trip coming up. My main areas of concern are:
-- the drive itself. We'll be on the road longer, there will definitely be more traffic and crazy drivers. Plus having to eat during the drive.
-- staying in a hotel. The last time I actually threw up, I was in a hotel, on vacation with my family. I know some emetophobes have bad associations with certain foods because they were sick after eating them. That didn't happen to me, but I guess I associate hotels in general (well, they do all look alike and smell alike) with the experience and feel slightly unsafe in them.
-- I'll be meeting my nephew for the first time. He's a little over a year old. I might have to hold him. Part of me really wants to. I've loved him since the day he was born and the first pictures went up on facebook. But part of me worries he will spit up on me. Or get sick on me? At what age does it stop being called spit-up? I have no clue, but really it makes no difference to me.
-- eating in general on the trip, eating away from home, eating around other people. I need more practice with this.
We are planning to have a couple more of these "test run" trips, if we have time to fit them in. The goal for the next one is to go eat somewhere and then go out shopping instead of coming straight back home.
Sometimes when I start to "feel sick" I view it as a kind of black and white transition where I've left the realm of calmness / happiness, and that's it - now there's no going back. But on this drive I happened to be able to tap into logic (for once) and realize that only a few seconds had passed between feeling absolutely fine and feeling "off" in some way. Obviously I still was absolutely fine and was able to return to feeling that way with a little effort.
I felt a little "sick" after eating in the restaurant too, but it didn't last long, maybe about five to ten minutes of the drive back home. All in all, I'm super pleased with how it went, although I do keep thinking about how tame a challenge it was compared to the much longer trip coming up. My main areas of concern are:
-- the drive itself. We'll be on the road longer, there will definitely be more traffic and crazy drivers. Plus having to eat during the drive.
-- staying in a hotel. The last time I actually threw up, I was in a hotel, on vacation with my family. I know some emetophobes have bad associations with certain foods because they were sick after eating them. That didn't happen to me, but I guess I associate hotels in general (well, they do all look alike and smell alike) with the experience and feel slightly unsafe in them.
-- I'll be meeting my nephew for the first time. He's a little over a year old. I might have to hold him. Part of me really wants to. I've loved him since the day he was born and the first pictures went up on facebook. But part of me worries he will spit up on me. Or get sick on me? At what age does it stop being called spit-up? I have no clue, but really it makes no difference to me.
-- eating in general on the trip, eating away from home, eating around other people. I need more practice with this.
We are planning to have a couple more of these "test run" trips, if we have time to fit them in. The goal for the next one is to go eat somewhere and then go out shopping instead of coming straight back home.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
body visualization
I just finished reading Molecules of Emotion by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D. She's a scientist, and the book focuses mostly on her research involving peptides and receptors in the body. There was definitely much more scientific/medical jargon than I was prepared for, as I was kind of expecting a basic psychological self-help book. But I love science, and she breaks it down to the point where I could follow what she was saying most of the time, so I didn't really mind pushing through those parts. Especially because she interspersed the science with autobiographical narrative.
In the second half of the book, she started to pull it all together and talk more about health and emotions. Basically, through her research she has developed a holistic body-mind outlook: emotions are in the body and not just the mind; the mind can influence the body, and the body can influence the mind (a two-way communication); all systems tie together (immune, endocrine, nervous, etc.) and communicate with each other. I think most of these ideas would not be surprising to anyone these days. The book was written over a decade ago, so it was probably a more revolutionary message back then. But it was still interesting to read about the actual science behind it. At the very end, she tied spirituality into it too, another subject that fascinates me, so the book ended up containing almost every topic I adore: science, history, personal narrative, sexism / feminism, psychology, health, and religion / spirituality.
My original intention in reading it was to find something that might help me with my anxiety though, and on that front, there wasn't much that I didn't already know or hadn't already tried. She did inspire me with her many little anecdotes about using visualization to actually bring about changes in the body. For example, she talked about visualizing her pituitary gland releasing endorphins and how as a result of doing this, she could actually feel the endorphins being released and traveling all over her body, lifting her mood. I am a super skeptical person, and my thoughts immediately went to "maybe she just imagined this happening." But does that even make sense, saying she only "imagined" an increase in happiness? She still felt happier either way, which is the whole point. Goal achieved.
A similar story talked about a man who broke his elbow and then spent twenty minutes each day visualizing blood flowing to the site of the injury, which apparently resulted in the injury healing much faster than would normally be the case.
Since reading that, I've been experimenting a little with this kind of body visualization, focusing on my stomach / digestive area and imagining the resources of my body - blood, peptides, molecules, energy, whatever - all going to that one spot. The book describes the entire body and everything working within it as an "information network" so that I can imagine my stomach as an area that needs more research, since I usually find myself out of touch with it. Often I will find myself in the bizarre situation of knowing that I should be hungry (as a healthy person who last ate several hours ago) but not actually being able to feel that hunger. It's like my stomach is not accessible to me. I will get headaches or feelings of fatigue that alert me to my hunger without ever having passed through the stage where I felt it in my stomach.
The other morning before going out to breakfast, I tried this. I am not a morning person, and when I am tired, what's happening in my stomach is even more indecipherable to me. Then anxiety can take over and interpret the "strange" / unidentifiable feeling as fullness, or worse, nausea. But having just woken up, I know logically I must be hungry, since I haven't eaten for about twelve hours. I tried the visualization exercise, and it seemed to work after only ten to twenty minutes. I wouldn't say I was ravenous, but I began to feel like I could eat without there being any danger. I began to get a sense that the "strange" feeling was one of emptiness.
Which I find promising. In general, I am and always have been focused on the mind over the body. I loved school, and I love reading and writing and exploring ideas. I tend to see my body as an annoyance or (more frequently) as something to fear, and I really want to change this perspective. I want to learn to be aware of it in a more detached / mindful way, and I'm hoping one day I'll get to the point where enjoying my body, taking pleasure in it, is the rule rather than the exception.
In the second half of the book, she started to pull it all together and talk more about health and emotions. Basically, through her research she has developed a holistic body-mind outlook: emotions are in the body and not just the mind; the mind can influence the body, and the body can influence the mind (a two-way communication); all systems tie together (immune, endocrine, nervous, etc.) and communicate with each other. I think most of these ideas would not be surprising to anyone these days. The book was written over a decade ago, so it was probably a more revolutionary message back then. But it was still interesting to read about the actual science behind it. At the very end, she tied spirituality into it too, another subject that fascinates me, so the book ended up containing almost every topic I adore: science, history, personal narrative, sexism / feminism, psychology, health, and religion / spirituality.
My original intention in reading it was to find something that might help me with my anxiety though, and on that front, there wasn't much that I didn't already know or hadn't already tried. She did inspire me with her many little anecdotes about using visualization to actually bring about changes in the body. For example, she talked about visualizing her pituitary gland releasing endorphins and how as a result of doing this, she could actually feel the endorphins being released and traveling all over her body, lifting her mood. I am a super skeptical person, and my thoughts immediately went to "maybe she just imagined this happening." But does that even make sense, saying she only "imagined" an increase in happiness? She still felt happier either way, which is the whole point. Goal achieved.
A similar story talked about a man who broke his elbow and then spent twenty minutes each day visualizing blood flowing to the site of the injury, which apparently resulted in the injury healing much faster than would normally be the case.
Since reading that, I've been experimenting a little with this kind of body visualization, focusing on my stomach / digestive area and imagining the resources of my body - blood, peptides, molecules, energy, whatever - all going to that one spot. The book describes the entire body and everything working within it as an "information network" so that I can imagine my stomach as an area that needs more research, since I usually find myself out of touch with it. Often I will find myself in the bizarre situation of knowing that I should be hungry (as a healthy person who last ate several hours ago) but not actually being able to feel that hunger. It's like my stomach is not accessible to me. I will get headaches or feelings of fatigue that alert me to my hunger without ever having passed through the stage where I felt it in my stomach.
The other morning before going out to breakfast, I tried this. I am not a morning person, and when I am tired, what's happening in my stomach is even more indecipherable to me. Then anxiety can take over and interpret the "strange" / unidentifiable feeling as fullness, or worse, nausea. But having just woken up, I know logically I must be hungry, since I haven't eaten for about twelve hours. I tried the visualization exercise, and it seemed to work after only ten to twenty minutes. I wouldn't say I was ravenous, but I began to feel like I could eat without there being any danger. I began to get a sense that the "strange" feeling was one of emptiness.
Which I find promising. In general, I am and always have been focused on the mind over the body. I loved school, and I love reading and writing and exploring ideas. I tend to see my body as an annoyance or (more frequently) as something to fear, and I really want to change this perspective. I want to learn to be aware of it in a more detached / mindful way, and I'm hoping one day I'll get to the point where enjoying my body, taking pleasure in it, is the rule rather than the exception.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
self-help books
I have been having a really good week anxiety-wise. I haven't been feeling "sick" much at all, not even when I go to class. I've had the opportunity to actually think about topics other than anxiety and recovery and relaxation, which is a nice change. What's strange about this is that I have to keep reminding myself it's not the right course of action. I should be practicing my recovery and relaxation techniques in both good and bad times. I don't know, I'm still feeling a little rebellious about it all right now, wanting to just throw myself back into the person I used to be, the one who never thought about any of this.
In other words, I haven't been putting much effort into lowering my anxiety this week. The one thing I have been doing is reading / working through this self-help workbook my therapist recommended: Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steven C. Hayes. I am about halfway through but haven't been blown away by it yet. I can see how it would be helpful if you didn't know anything about mindfulness and acceptance, but I have already read extensively about both, and this book (so far) is only covering the basics. Plus it seems like most of the writing "exercises" are only there to prove some point that is being made by the author, and for the most part, they are obvious points that didn't need to be proven in the first place.
I like the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies so much better. I think I've written about it before. It covers so many different CBT techniques, and you actually feel like you are accomplishing something with its exercises. I think I am going to go back to that book once I am done with this one, because there are still some chapters I haven't worked through.
The 'Get Out of Your Mind...' book implies that other anxiety-fighting techniques, like CBT, don't work and that clearly you already know they don't work, or else you wouldn't have felt the need to buy their book. This is another reason why the book is bugging me. First of all, what works for one person may not work for another and vice versa - everyone is so different. Second, it is usually the case that knowing several different techniques is what is most helpful. I feel like CBT has helped me so much, but I don't see that as meaning that mindfulness and acceptance won't also help me. Even though CBT and acceptance are pretty much complete opposites, one of them could be more helpful in a certain type of situation. Or just the process of going back and forth between them could be helpful. Choosing among all the different techniques. Using a different one for every anxiety situation that arises. I believe variety is essential.
In other words, I haven't been putting much effort into lowering my anxiety this week. The one thing I have been doing is reading / working through this self-help workbook my therapist recommended: Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steven C. Hayes. I am about halfway through but haven't been blown away by it yet. I can see how it would be helpful if you didn't know anything about mindfulness and acceptance, but I have already read extensively about both, and this book (so far) is only covering the basics. Plus it seems like most of the writing "exercises" are only there to prove some point that is being made by the author, and for the most part, they are obvious points that didn't need to be proven in the first place.
I like the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies so much better. I think I've written about it before. It covers so many different CBT techniques, and you actually feel like you are accomplishing something with its exercises. I think I am going to go back to that book once I am done with this one, because there are still some chapters I haven't worked through.
The 'Get Out of Your Mind...' book implies that other anxiety-fighting techniques, like CBT, don't work and that clearly you already know they don't work, or else you wouldn't have felt the need to buy their book. This is another reason why the book is bugging me. First of all, what works for one person may not work for another and vice versa - everyone is so different. Second, it is usually the case that knowing several different techniques is what is most helpful. I feel like CBT has helped me so much, but I don't see that as meaning that mindfulness and acceptance won't also help me. Even though CBT and acceptance are pretty much complete opposites, one of them could be more helpful in a certain type of situation. Or just the process of going back and forth between them could be helpful. Choosing among all the different techniques. Using a different one for every anxiety situation that arises. I believe variety is essential.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
restaurants / new goal
My wife and I went to a restaurant for lunch today, which didn't go quite as well as dinner the other night. I had a lot of anxiety ("nausea") in the time between finishing my meal and leaving the restaurant. Of course, the moment we walked out the door, I felt better, an experience I'm all too familiar with. It's always kind of infuriating, because part of me is thinking "this isn't anxiety, it really is something else this time" but that never turns out to be true. Being wrong is not the infuriating part. I'm happy to find out that the horrible thing I thought was happening to me is not real. What's infuriating is knowing that once again, I let anxiety bring down my enjoyment of an experience.
I used the same techniques I've been using: affirmations, deep breathing, mindfulness. In a public place it's not always possible to be completely focused on telling yourself "I am breathing in, I am breathing out" or something like that. Mindfulness in a situation like this involves focusing on your environment (instead of on your thoughts/feelings/internal state). It helps to think of the five senses (although smell and taste might be too much for an anxiety attack that is presenting itself as "nausea"). I focused on the music playing on the overhead speakers, the tennis match on the TV above the bar, the conversation I was having with my wife, the cold/wet feeling of the glass of water sitting in front of me.
In discussing my anxiety with my wife, she made me realize that I have a habit of trying to finish my meal as close to the time of us leaving as possible. Of course, this never really works out, because no waiter/waitress is going to bring the check while you still have food in front of you. But still, this is exactly the type of behavior that I am trying to eradicate from my life. I'm making a new goal to stop doing this, to eat at the pace that is normal for me and finish whenever I finish. If I have to sit in the restaurant for half an hour after I'm done, oh well. Nothing bad will happen. Emetophobia shmemetophobia!
I used the same techniques I've been using: affirmations, deep breathing, mindfulness. In a public place it's not always possible to be completely focused on telling yourself "I am breathing in, I am breathing out" or something like that. Mindfulness in a situation like this involves focusing on your environment (instead of on your thoughts/feelings/internal state). It helps to think of the five senses (although smell and taste might be too much for an anxiety attack that is presenting itself as "nausea"). I focused on the music playing on the overhead speakers, the tennis match on the TV above the bar, the conversation I was having with my wife, the cold/wet feeling of the glass of water sitting in front of me.
In discussing my anxiety with my wife, she made me realize that I have a habit of trying to finish my meal as close to the time of us leaving as possible. Of course, this never really works out, because no waiter/waitress is going to bring the check while you still have food in front of you. But still, this is exactly the type of behavior that I am trying to eradicate from my life. I'm making a new goal to stop doing this, to eat at the pace that is normal for me and finish whenever I finish. If I have to sit in the restaurant for half an hour after I'm done, oh well. Nothing bad will happen. Emetophobia shmemetophobia!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
mindfulness
It turns out the teacher for the class I'm taking is currently out of the country and unable to get a flight back because of the nasty hurricane weather that's been traveling up the coast. She didn't show up for our first class, and I got an email letting me know that the second class is canceled too. So much for my goals for the week!
But on some level, I'm grateful it turned out this way. I felt like this class was a huge step for me, and this turned it into a smaller baby step. I did not technically attend a class, but I sat in a room with about twenty other students I didn't know for the twenty minutes before we all decided to give up on the teacher and leave. That alone was a frightening situation for me, and I "felt sick" for probably the first fifteen of those twenty minutes.
I said my four-part affirmation to myself, and it did help somewhat. But in a sense it felt like the anxiety was flooding my brain and making it hard to even focus on the words, so I switched over to a mindfulness / breathing exercise from another book I read recently, The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. I took deep breaths, and each time I inhaled, I would say to myself "I am breathing in" and each time I exhaled, I would say to myself "I am breathing out." Or "I am breathing in a long breath" and "I am breathing out a long breath."
I guess because the words are combined with the concentrated act of controlling my breathing, they work in a way the affirmations don't, where I'm able to replace the "flood of anxiety" feeling in my head with just the breaths and the descriptions that go with them. At this point, it's hard to sustain, because I haven't been practicing mindfulness for very long. But having seen the way affirmations became more and more helpful the longer I worked with them, I'm optimistic that mindfulness techniques will end up being incredibly useful also.
Mindfulness teaches you to be only in the present moment, not in the future or the past. This may seem like a stupid idea to an emetophobic who is feeling nauseous - why would you want to remain in that present moment rather than thinking of something else?
-Because the more you practice being in the present moment, the more relaxed you will be, in general, overall. It's easy to handle what is happening right now in the present moment, not so easy to handle the vast expanse of possibilities in the future.
-Because when you are in a situation that causes a lot of anxiety, you may think that you won't be able to remain in that situation for the length of time you need to, but you can be pretty sure that you can get through the next minute or five minutes, at least. Kind of like AA's "one day at a time." Staying in the present moment in this way, you can get through whatever scary situation you are facing. And then, having survived it once, you'll know you can do so again.
-Because as an emetophobic, when you're leaving the present moment, it's usually not to go to some happy place in your mind where you don't feel sick. You're leaving the present moment to go into a fake or feared future ("I must be getting sick" "what if I am getting sick, and what if this causes me to throw up?"), and this is obviously not helpful.
But on some level, I'm grateful it turned out this way. I felt like this class was a huge step for me, and this turned it into a smaller baby step. I did not technically attend a class, but I sat in a room with about twenty other students I didn't know for the twenty minutes before we all decided to give up on the teacher and leave. That alone was a frightening situation for me, and I "felt sick" for probably the first fifteen of those twenty minutes.
I said my four-part affirmation to myself, and it did help somewhat. But in a sense it felt like the anxiety was flooding my brain and making it hard to even focus on the words, so I switched over to a mindfulness / breathing exercise from another book I read recently, The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. I took deep breaths, and each time I inhaled, I would say to myself "I am breathing in" and each time I exhaled, I would say to myself "I am breathing out." Or "I am breathing in a long breath" and "I am breathing out a long breath."
I guess because the words are combined with the concentrated act of controlling my breathing, they work in a way the affirmations don't, where I'm able to replace the "flood of anxiety" feeling in my head with just the breaths and the descriptions that go with them. At this point, it's hard to sustain, because I haven't been practicing mindfulness for very long. But having seen the way affirmations became more and more helpful the longer I worked with them, I'm optimistic that mindfulness techniques will end up being incredibly useful also.
Mindfulness teaches you to be only in the present moment, not in the future or the past. This may seem like a stupid idea to an emetophobic who is feeling nauseous - why would you want to remain in that present moment rather than thinking of something else?
-Because the more you practice being in the present moment, the more relaxed you will be, in general, overall. It's easy to handle what is happening right now in the present moment, not so easy to handle the vast expanse of possibilities in the future.
-Because when you are in a situation that causes a lot of anxiety, you may think that you won't be able to remain in that situation for the length of time you need to, but you can be pretty sure that you can get through the next minute or five minutes, at least. Kind of like AA's "one day at a time." Staying in the present moment in this way, you can get through whatever scary situation you are facing. And then, having survived it once, you'll know you can do so again.
-Because as an emetophobic, when you're leaving the present moment, it's usually not to go to some happy place in your mind where you don't feel sick. You're leaving the present moment to go into a fake or feared future ("I must be getting sick" "what if I am getting sick, and what if this causes me to throw up?"), and this is obviously not helpful.
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