I haven't had another panic attack since that one at the grocery store last month, but my anxiety levels have still been all over the place. Some days have been perfectly fine, others not so good. I have been meditating and doing deep-breathing exercises more. I have been looking through my affirmation flashcards. Hopefully this is helping me even out, but I haven't noticed a significant change yet. That might be because I am still not doing these relaxation exercises consistently enough. I should be doing them every night, but right now it's more like twice a week.
Another change I made that I do think is really helping me is that I stopped going to emetophobia forums. Up until maybe a year or two ago, I never went to these forums. I mean, I can remember popping into them a handful of times during my teen years, but they bored me. I really had no interest in putting more effort into handling my phobia then. I felt like I did well enough. But when things got worse, I started visiting them, thinking they might be helpful.
It's been just the opposite for me. I feel like they have made me worse. And they were somewhat addicting too. I couldn't stop logging in for a while, reading everything, leaving comments with advice occasionally. I tried to avoid threads that looked like they might contain information I didn't want to have in my head. For example, I try not to read anything anyone posts anywhere ever about norovirus. I don't care if it's facts about it, helpful tips on avoiding it, how it's spread, good news about it, whatever. I know I have the potential to get so unbelievably obsessive about it. The information gets stuck in my head, and I find myself changing my behavior.
But it wasn't always easy to tell what might be in a thread, and I still kept coming across this negative information. I remember one night I had just eaten Pizza Hut for dinner. Then I logged into one of the forums, and the very first thing I saw was a thread titled something like "Pizza Hut food poisoning" or something like that. So I didn't even have to click on that one for it to make me anxious!
That is what annoys me so much about groups of people with emetophobia getting together. Inevitably, 90% of what is discussed will be things like that. People asking which foods or restaurants are best to avoid. People posting in a panic asking for someone to give them a safe/benign reason why they feel sick. I wish there was more discussion of how to deal with the anxiety/phobia itself. But I notice that when people bring up this point on the forums, they usually end up getting attacked by people who are "anti-recovery" I guess, that stress they would rather it be a "support" group than a "recovery" group. I find it odd. I think the best support is encouraging someone to recover. If someone had encouraged me to work on recovery when I was younger, I'm sure I would have ignored them, so yes, I agree that no one can/will recover before they're ready. But at the same time, during those years that I was technically "anti-recovery" I wasn't "pro-support" or at least not that kind of support that seems like a merry-go-round of scaring each other. I don't see how that helps anyone.
I have become very afraid of eating out at restaurants during the winter, and I know that is a direct consequence of hanging out on these forums and seeing other people constantly post about being worried about this. It's something I never thought about before. I have eaten out at restaurants year round my entire life, and I have never gotten sick from doing so. My method of eating out whenever I wanted to did no damage, and there was no need for anything to change. But I have changed and am now extremely reluctant to eat out anywhere until it's spring/summer again.
I feel frustrated with myself for letting myself be influenced like this. It seems I can't read the fears of other emetophobics on a regular basis without being affected by them. So I have stopped going to these forums, and now I'm hoping that as time passes these extra thoughts/fears I've acquired will drift out of my head again.
It's a little disappointing, because, first of all, it is exhilarating to be in contact with so many people who understand the way you think. And also, every so often, I would come across something that was uplifting or helpful. But it was so rare, and it's just not worth digging through all that negativity for those few positive gems.
I think I'm much better off sticking with blogs. I've always found they tend to be more recovery-focused and positive, since they are more about sharing information than getting support. I've never seen a blogger post while having a panic attack and expect someone to immediately show up to talk them through it (maybe because bloggers know they're addressing a smaller audience). I really like that. I'm looking for less agitation in my life and more understanding of the fact that anxiety is really something you have to handle on your own. Not that I don't sometimes rely on my wife to calm me down, but I like to see those times as times where I have failed myself. Any time I can fix a situation on my own, I know I've just done something that is so much better for me in the long run.
Showing posts with label deep breathing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deep breathing. Show all posts
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Monday, September 10, 2012
two years
Today's the
anniversary of my "breakdown." Actually, I guess it really started the
night before with the first of the panic attacks, but this was the date
where I was in the hospital all day, so I consider this to be The
Infamous Day.
I never thought I would feel like myself again, but I do. I can now say I feel like my anxiety is under control, at least as much as it can be while still having a phobia. It's just exhilarating to know that. Two years ago I was such a mess, and I had never imagined that things could get that bad. And then I couldn't imagine that they would ever get this good again either.
In celebration of this, I'm posting the timeline of my improvement. This is pretty much how the last two years went:
September 10, 2010: I was in the hospital most of the day discussing my non-stop panic attacks with various people. Then they gave me Ativan, and I went home and took that immediately, and then one or two other times in the next few days.
September 11-19: I went to the doctor three times. The first time I was given Lexapro, which made me feel sick, so I only took it once. The second time I got my thyroid tested (problems with it can cause anxiety issues), and nothing was wrong with it. The third time I was given Cymbalta, and I only took that once too. It didn't make me feel sick, but it did have minor side effects that bothered me (like restless legs).
I missed a lot of work. I couldn't eat or drink much. Everything I ate made me feel nauseous; I was taking a lot of Zofran during this time. I couldn't sleep and basically spent every night in the living room, dozing with the TV on.
I started seeing a therapist and doing breathing exercises, and I listened to a guided meditation CD every day and tried to meditate as much as possible. It was not something I had done much in the past, but it helped immensely anyway. Just made me feel temporarily calmer.
September 26: I started working through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. I know I've talked about it a lot, but I'll say it again. It's an amazing book. It helped me so much.
October 5: I joined a gym and started exercising more to see if that would help. It does help, but I still have a hard time sticking with the habit, even now.
October 8: By this point I was doing word searches almost constantly, especially when I woke up in the middle of the night (which was almost every night). They really helped me calm down when I was anxious.
October 16: I wouldn't let myself watch anything (on TV or in movies), read anything, think about anything upsetting or anxiety-producing. I felt frustrated by having to hide from negativity, but now I think it was the right thing to do. It helped me get better faster, and obviously I no longer have to do it. But I still don't watch horror movies. I used to watch them all the time and now don't let myself, because they have too much of an effect on me.
October 20: I had gotten a little notebook and was writing out affirmations in it every day. I would pick one from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook and write it out five to ten times in a row, pausing in between to reflect on what it was saying and really try to believe it. I did this at least once a day, but more if I was really anxious. It was another activity that calmed me down.
December 4: I started noticing that PMS always made my anxiety issues much worse. I began reminding myself of this every month around that time so that I wouldn't take my thoughts and feelings so seriously.
February 3, 2011: I started doing yoga. I don't do it much anymore, but it was helpful and calming at the time.
April 30: I printed out some of my favorite affirmations and would tape one to the wall above my desk so that I'd be reminded of it frequently throughout the day. Every so often, I'd switch to a new one.
May 9: I was still seeing that my anxiety got significantly worse and hard to deal with during PMS, so I started taking 100mg of B6 daily (on top of a multivitamin) to help with that. It seemed to work wonders (after a couple months I think). I still take it.
July 23 - 26: I started having bad panic attacks again. It felt like a repeat of the initial "breakdown" only to a much lesser degree. But again, it was extremely difficult to eat or drink for a few days, and I felt horrible all the time. I'm not sure what caused this relapse, but I got it under control much faster than I had the first time, mostly through forcing myself to eat as much as possible, which kept me somewhat stable. This gave me hope that I was moving in the right direction.
August 29: I started taking a class at a college nearby. This forced me out of the house on a regular basis, forced me to interact with the world again, which was something I really needed. I had gotten pretty homebound.
September 10: I tried hypnosis for the first (and only) time. I felt slightly better for a few days after it, but I have no idea if it was the hypnosis that caused this. Or the placebo effect. Or coincidence.
November 22: I took a trip to see my family for Thanksgiving. This was very stressful and didn't go as well as I had hoped. Again, I had problems eating, drinking, and sleeping. I felt sick almost constantly. But I did manage to get through it without any medication (psychiatric or anti-emetic). I used affirmations that I had written out on index cards and the EmWave2 I had just gotten.
February 19, 2012: I did an online emetophobia study which started around this time. It involved a lot of CBT and exposure work that was helpful.
May 1: I stopped going to therapy, because I felt pretty confident that I knew what to do when I was anxious. Most of the time I could calm myself down by countering my negative thoughts and focusing on more positive ones.
That's about it. I've been doing really well this year. Basically, the Thanksgiving trip was the last "crisis" period I had, and I am sure that if I took that trip again this November, it would go a lot better.
Speaking of trips, I am taking a small one later this month. I won't even be leaving the state, but I will be staying in a hotel in another city. I'm excited. For the first time in a long time, I feel excited about a trip. I'm not dreading it! I think it's going to go really well and be loads of fun.
I never thought I would feel like myself again, but I do. I can now say I feel like my anxiety is under control, at least as much as it can be while still having a phobia. It's just exhilarating to know that. Two years ago I was such a mess, and I had never imagined that things could get that bad. And then I couldn't imagine that they would ever get this good again either.
In celebration of this, I'm posting the timeline of my improvement. This is pretty much how the last two years went:
September 10, 2010: I was in the hospital most of the day discussing my non-stop panic attacks with various people. Then they gave me Ativan, and I went home and took that immediately, and then one or two other times in the next few days.
September 11-19: I went to the doctor three times. The first time I was given Lexapro, which made me feel sick, so I only took it once. The second time I got my thyroid tested (problems with it can cause anxiety issues), and nothing was wrong with it. The third time I was given Cymbalta, and I only took that once too. It didn't make me feel sick, but it did have minor side effects that bothered me (like restless legs).
I missed a lot of work. I couldn't eat or drink much. Everything I ate made me feel nauseous; I was taking a lot of Zofran during this time. I couldn't sleep and basically spent every night in the living room, dozing with the TV on.
I started seeing a therapist and doing breathing exercises, and I listened to a guided meditation CD every day and tried to meditate as much as possible. It was not something I had done much in the past, but it helped immensely anyway. Just made me feel temporarily calmer.
September 26: I started working through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. I know I've talked about it a lot, but I'll say it again. It's an amazing book. It helped me so much.
October 5: I joined a gym and started exercising more to see if that would help. It does help, but I still have a hard time sticking with the habit, even now.
October 8: By this point I was doing word searches almost constantly, especially when I woke up in the middle of the night (which was almost every night). They really helped me calm down when I was anxious.
October 16: I wouldn't let myself watch anything (on TV or in movies), read anything, think about anything upsetting or anxiety-producing. I felt frustrated by having to hide from negativity, but now I think it was the right thing to do. It helped me get better faster, and obviously I no longer have to do it. But I still don't watch horror movies. I used to watch them all the time and now don't let myself, because they have too much of an effect on me.
October 20: I had gotten a little notebook and was writing out affirmations in it every day. I would pick one from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook and write it out five to ten times in a row, pausing in between to reflect on what it was saying and really try to believe it. I did this at least once a day, but more if I was really anxious. It was another activity that calmed me down.
December 4: I started noticing that PMS always made my anxiety issues much worse. I began reminding myself of this every month around that time so that I wouldn't take my thoughts and feelings so seriously.
February 3, 2011: I started doing yoga. I don't do it much anymore, but it was helpful and calming at the time.
April 30: I printed out some of my favorite affirmations and would tape one to the wall above my desk so that I'd be reminded of it frequently throughout the day. Every so often, I'd switch to a new one.
May 9: I was still seeing that my anxiety got significantly worse and hard to deal with during PMS, so I started taking 100mg of B6 daily (on top of a multivitamin) to help with that. It seemed to work wonders (after a couple months I think). I still take it.
July 23 - 26: I started having bad panic attacks again. It felt like a repeat of the initial "breakdown" only to a much lesser degree. But again, it was extremely difficult to eat or drink for a few days, and I felt horrible all the time. I'm not sure what caused this relapse, but I got it under control much faster than I had the first time, mostly through forcing myself to eat as much as possible, which kept me somewhat stable. This gave me hope that I was moving in the right direction.
August 29: I started taking a class at a college nearby. This forced me out of the house on a regular basis, forced me to interact with the world again, which was something I really needed. I had gotten pretty homebound.
September 10: I tried hypnosis for the first (and only) time. I felt slightly better for a few days after it, but I have no idea if it was the hypnosis that caused this. Or the placebo effect. Or coincidence.
November 22: I took a trip to see my family for Thanksgiving. This was very stressful and didn't go as well as I had hoped. Again, I had problems eating, drinking, and sleeping. I felt sick almost constantly. But I did manage to get through it without any medication (psychiatric or anti-emetic). I used affirmations that I had written out on index cards and the EmWave2 I had just gotten.
February 19, 2012: I did an online emetophobia study which started around this time. It involved a lot of CBT and exposure work that was helpful.
May 1: I stopped going to therapy, because I felt pretty confident that I knew what to do when I was anxious. Most of the time I could calm myself down by countering my negative thoughts and focusing on more positive ones.
That's about it. I've been doing really well this year. Basically, the Thanksgiving trip was the last "crisis" period I had, and I am sure that if I took that trip again this November, it would go a lot better.
Speaking of trips, I am taking a small one later this month. I won't even be leaving the state, but I will be staying in a hotel in another city. I'm excited. For the first time in a long time, I feel excited about a trip. I'm not dreading it! I think it's going to go really well and be loads of fun.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
dentist anxiety
I had to go to the dentist today to get some filling work done. They gave me a tiny partial filling in one tooth, and they also removed a filling I got when I was a child (one of those old mercury ones) and replaced it with the upgraded version.
I'm surprised at how anxious I was. This procedure was nothing compared to the wisdom teeth extraction, but for some reason I had lower anxiety during that one. Maybe just because I had lower anxiety in general back then.
I wish I was more comfortable talking to people (like dentists, doctors) about my phobia. I always think to myself that maybe I should give some brief explanation before they do whatever they're going to do, but I usually chicken out. They see I'm anxious, but they assume it's because of the pain, so that's what they reassure me about. I don't worry about the pain that much. I worry about all the objects and substances being shoved in my mouth, especially the substances. I worry about my mouth being numb. I also don't like being horizontal while they're doing all this, and I really hate it when they adjust the chair to the point where my head is lower than the rest of my body. It's awful to feel like you're upside down when you're anxious.
There were all these nasty tastes in my mouth after a while, and I could feel myself getting very scared. I was starting to feel "sick" and could feel my heart pounding in my stomach. Sometimes (here being a good example) I'm almost grateful for my social anxiety, because I fear that without it I would be much more likely to escape situations, to sit up right in the middle of my filling and say "okay, I'm done here." But I don't want to embarrass myself, so I search around desperately for things to tell myself to make myself stay, like:
The procedure only took about fifteen minutes. When I sat up at the end, I discovered I was really shaky, so walking out to the car felt weird. Also, once I started driving, I started feeling even more "sick" and had to pull into a parking lot and sit for ten minutes to calm down. I had a bottle of water and probably would have felt better if I had rinsed out my mouth, but there's the downside of the social anxiety. I couldn't talk myself into doing that where other people could possibly see me. So I just took sips of the water instead, which helped a lot. Every time I swallowed a little water, the sick feeling went away temporarily, so I started driving again and kept taking sips all the way home. By the time I got there, I was feeling better.
I know I should be proud of myself for getting through it. I won't have to worry about it anymore, and it's nice to know I no longer have mercury in my mouth. But man. Right now I just feel wiped out. Anxiety is exhausting.
I'm surprised at how anxious I was. This procedure was nothing compared to the wisdom teeth extraction, but for some reason I had lower anxiety during that one. Maybe just because I had lower anxiety in general back then.
I wish I was more comfortable talking to people (like dentists, doctors) about my phobia. I always think to myself that maybe I should give some brief explanation before they do whatever they're going to do, but I usually chicken out. They see I'm anxious, but they assume it's because of the pain, so that's what they reassure me about. I don't worry about the pain that much. I worry about all the objects and substances being shoved in my mouth, especially the substances. I worry about my mouth being numb. I also don't like being horizontal while they're doing all this, and I really hate it when they adjust the chair to the point where my head is lower than the rest of my body. It's awful to feel like you're upside down when you're anxious.
There were all these nasty tastes in my mouth after a while, and I could feel myself getting very scared. I was starting to feel "sick" and could feel my heart pounding in my stomach. Sometimes (here being a good example) I'm almost grateful for my social anxiety, because I fear that without it I would be much more likely to escape situations, to sit up right in the middle of my filling and say "okay, I'm done here." But I don't want to embarrass myself, so I search around desperately for things to tell myself to make myself stay, like:
- They do this procedure all the time. They can't possibly expect that whatever they are putting in my mouth would cause nausea/vomiting. If they did, they would have something ready in case of that happening. They would have warned me.
- My heart is pounding. This is clearly anxiety. Don't forget to keep breathing, slowly and calmly.
- Even if I did vomit, it's not as though this is a normal public place, like a mall. It's like a doctor's office. I wouldn't have to feel as humiliated about it here.
The procedure only took about fifteen minutes. When I sat up at the end, I discovered I was really shaky, so walking out to the car felt weird. Also, once I started driving, I started feeling even more "sick" and had to pull into a parking lot and sit for ten minutes to calm down. I had a bottle of water and probably would have felt better if I had rinsed out my mouth, but there's the downside of the social anxiety. I couldn't talk myself into doing that where other people could possibly see me. So I just took sips of the water instead, which helped a lot. Every time I swallowed a little water, the sick feeling went away temporarily, so I started driving again and kept taking sips all the way home. By the time I got there, I was feeling better.
I know I should be proud of myself for getting through it. I won't have to worry about it anymore, and it's nice to know I no longer have mercury in my mouth. But man. Right now I just feel wiped out. Anxiety is exhausting.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
happy new year
Happy New Year! I hope 2012 is a great year for everyone. I feel optimistic that it's going to be a better year for me. 2010 was a crazy hurricane / whirlwind of anxiety. 2011 had its intensely bad moments too, but it was better than 2010, so I seem to be heading in the right direction. Also, I am determined to get it together this year and actually do the work I need to do (like eating healthier, doing CBT, etc.). I had to go back to my long list of New Year's resolutions and revise it into a plan that I think is realistically achievable. This is something I've never done before. For some reason, letting go of the idea of "perfection all at once" tends to fill me with a squirmy reluctance to try anything at all. But that reluctant feeling wasn't as strong this year. More evidence of progress!
So the last book I ended up reading in 2011 was Living with Emetophobia by Nicolette Heaton-Harris. I bought it months ago, maybe around September, but I have been putting off reading it, because I had heard that it was mostly a long description of emetophobia, and I had a feeling it would only end up upsetting me or triggering me in some way. I figured it would not be helpful at all but might add more irrational thoughts or behaviors to my list. A few times, reflecting on that, I thought about never reading it. But since it is pretty much the only book on emetophobia out there, and I am writing about the same topic on a regular basis, I had to check it out.
All the reviews I heard were correct. The book mostly explained emetophobia in depth, all the different thoughts or behaviors an emetophobic person might have. I could relate to most of it. Some of it made no sense to me. (Am I the only emetophobe that doesn't feel compelled to look at someone who may be getting sick? When I see a car parked on the side of the road, I shut my eyes or look away and feel no urge to witness what I fear might be happening.) In addition to the explanations and personal stories, there were about four pages of advice on how to cope, including nothing more advanced than deep breathing, distracting yourself, and taking small risks whenever possible to try to expand your comfort zone.
But as bad as I felt it was objectively, I am hesitant to really criticize it, because it exists, at least. It's something that takes emetophobia out of just the Internet world, and I have to think it has had some positive impact in giving the problem more weight / attention. Also, if what an emetophobic is looking for is validation of their issue and the knowledge that they are not alone, the book does provide that.
Unfortunately, I'm way past that. Thanks to the Internet, I've known for years what the name of my issue was, and I've read stories from and talked to many people who are also dealing with it, and I'm betting that's the case for most of the emetophobes of my generation. It's not enough anymore. I'm not looking for someone to swap horror stories with. In fact, I generally feel like it might not be a good idea for me to ever meet another emetophobe in person. The idea of emetophobia support groups all over the country raises some doubts in my mind. Would we not just feed off each other? If half of us in the meeting felt nauseous from anxiety at being at the meeting, and the other half found out about it, wouldn't we all just be scared one of us might be legitimately sick? I don't know.
My real issue with the book is that I felt a little damaged and hopeless after reading it, and that feeling stayed with me all night. I rang in the New Year with a vague feeling of sadness at knowing that this phobia touches every part of my life and that there is no cure for it. I don't think the author meant to leave the reader with that impression, at all. But I feel like she spent 95% of the book talking about all the ways emetophobia manifests in a person's life and then ended the book with the message that it could be contained but not cured. It's hard not to focus on the bad parts of that instead of on the ray of hope that is "containment."
This morning, though, post-sleep, I felt better and able to see it all in a more positive light. Containment may be settling, but that doesn't mean it dooms me to a life of unhappiness. Everyone is settling for something in their life. Like someone might have a bad ankle because of an injury when they were young. Of course it would be better if they didn't have to deal with that, but they do, and they work around it. I know from experience exactly how contained emetophobia can be. In college, it was there, but I rarely felt upset about it. I wasn't doing anything special to contain it. It was just out of luck, I guess, or maybe because I had so much going on (schoolwork, friends, events) to distract me from it.
So that's my hope for 2012, that I can get my phobia as contained as possible. With the knowledge about managing anxiety that I have now, I should be able to reach a level of containment even better than the one from college.
And if I want to be wildly optimistic, I have heard of some emetophobes who have been able to cure themselves. Plus with more research into it, maybe a cure that works for everyone will be discovered / developed. It's possible.
So the last book I ended up reading in 2011 was Living with Emetophobia by Nicolette Heaton-Harris. I bought it months ago, maybe around September, but I have been putting off reading it, because I had heard that it was mostly a long description of emetophobia, and I had a feeling it would only end up upsetting me or triggering me in some way. I figured it would not be helpful at all but might add more irrational thoughts or behaviors to my list. A few times, reflecting on that, I thought about never reading it. But since it is pretty much the only book on emetophobia out there, and I am writing about the same topic on a regular basis, I had to check it out.
All the reviews I heard were correct. The book mostly explained emetophobia in depth, all the different thoughts or behaviors an emetophobic person might have. I could relate to most of it. Some of it made no sense to me. (Am I the only emetophobe that doesn't feel compelled to look at someone who may be getting sick? When I see a car parked on the side of the road, I shut my eyes or look away and feel no urge to witness what I fear might be happening.) In addition to the explanations and personal stories, there were about four pages of advice on how to cope, including nothing more advanced than deep breathing, distracting yourself, and taking small risks whenever possible to try to expand your comfort zone.
But as bad as I felt it was objectively, I am hesitant to really criticize it, because it exists, at least. It's something that takes emetophobia out of just the Internet world, and I have to think it has had some positive impact in giving the problem more weight / attention. Also, if what an emetophobic is looking for is validation of their issue and the knowledge that they are not alone, the book does provide that.
Unfortunately, I'm way past that. Thanks to the Internet, I've known for years what the name of my issue was, and I've read stories from and talked to many people who are also dealing with it, and I'm betting that's the case for most of the emetophobes of my generation. It's not enough anymore. I'm not looking for someone to swap horror stories with. In fact, I generally feel like it might not be a good idea for me to ever meet another emetophobe in person. The idea of emetophobia support groups all over the country raises some doubts in my mind. Would we not just feed off each other? If half of us in the meeting felt nauseous from anxiety at being at the meeting, and the other half found out about it, wouldn't we all just be scared one of us might be legitimately sick? I don't know.
My real issue with the book is that I felt a little damaged and hopeless after reading it, and that feeling stayed with me all night. I rang in the New Year with a vague feeling of sadness at knowing that this phobia touches every part of my life and that there is no cure for it. I don't think the author meant to leave the reader with that impression, at all. But I feel like she spent 95% of the book talking about all the ways emetophobia manifests in a person's life and then ended the book with the message that it could be contained but not cured. It's hard not to focus on the bad parts of that instead of on the ray of hope that is "containment."
This morning, though, post-sleep, I felt better and able to see it all in a more positive light. Containment may be settling, but that doesn't mean it dooms me to a life of unhappiness. Everyone is settling for something in their life. Like someone might have a bad ankle because of an injury when they were young. Of course it would be better if they didn't have to deal with that, but they do, and they work around it. I know from experience exactly how contained emetophobia can be. In college, it was there, but I rarely felt upset about it. I wasn't doing anything special to contain it. It was just out of luck, I guess, or maybe because I had so much going on (schoolwork, friends, events) to distract me from it.
So that's my hope for 2012, that I can get my phobia as contained as possible. With the knowledge about managing anxiety that I have now, I should be able to reach a level of containment even better than the one from college.
And if I want to be wildly optimistic, I have heard of some emetophobes who have been able to cure themselves. Plus with more research into it, maybe a cure that works for everyone will be discovered / developed. It's possible.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
new year's resolutions
I know I'm overshooting here (and yet still falling short of what I actually want to be doing), but these are my health-related goals for the new year:
1) Eat four servings of fruit / vegetables a day.
2) Do yoga twice a week.
3) Exercise three days a week.
4) Get check-up / physical.
5) Limit taking temperature to once a month.
6) Limit taking anti-nausea meds or anti-emetics to once a week (except for Tums).
7) Limit asking my wife if I am sick to once a day.
8) Meditate or work with affirmations or deep breathing once a week.
9) Do actual written CBT work once a week.
10) Do something outside the house that makes me anxious at least twice a month.
Friday, October 28, 2011
emetophobia survey
Friday night of a hectic week. Sounds like a good time for a survey, followed by a lot of lying around and not working for two days. I've seen this posted a few places - not sure where it came from originally.
1. Does your family know of your Emetophobia? I don't think so. To make a long story short, we have serious communication issues in my family.
2. Do your friends know of your Emetophobia? Yeah, probably all of them do. I'm pretty open about it.
3. Would you tell a stranger that you have Emetophobia? I guess it depends. I think the only strangers I have told are doctors / dentists so that 1) they would prescribe me anti-emetics 2) they wouldn't prescribe me anything with nausea or vomiting as a main side effect. It doesn't usually come up in normal conversation for me.
4. If you are currently in a relationship, how long did you wait to tell your partner? We were friends for a while before we started dating, so she already knew all about it.
5. Are you scared to have kids? Of course. But underneath all the fear, I don't think I want kids anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it. My life is pretty stress-free compared to the average person's life, and I have a hard time handling that tiny amount of stress. I can't imagine adding the stress of raising children to that.
6. If you are a mom who suffers from Emetophobia, how do you deal with the struggles of your kids being sick? N/A, but I'm sure I wouldn't deal with it well at all. I feel panicked even when our cat throws up and usually run to hide in the next room.
7. What age did you discover that you had a problem? I was around 11 and found a website describing emetophobia. I can't remember if I was actively looking for an explanation. I had recently had some problems with missing a lot of school because of "feeling sick," so maybe.
8. What type of methods have you tried to reach recovery? I've never really believed I could get rid of the phobia completely, but to cope better, I have tried just about everything. Exposure therapy, talk therapy, CBT, ACT, affirmations, all the basic relaxation techniques (meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, visualization), yoga, mindfulness, and hypnosis. Most of this I still do, because I find it all helpful. The only thing I haven't given a fair chance is long-term medication. The side effects scare me too much, so both times I tried it, I stopped after the first dose.
9. When was the last time you have thrown up and why? I was nine years old, and I'm pretty sure it was just a basic stomach virus.
10. When was the last time you saw someone else throw up? I'm not sure I remember. I've done a really good job of avoiding seeing it, even if all I could do was shut my eyes or turn my back on it. I feel like my last "direct experience" with it was December 2007 when I went into a stall in a communal bathroom in my college dorm building and then heard the girl in the stall right next to me start throwing up. I ran out right away.
11. What type of foods do you avoid? I don't think I avoid any food all the time, it's more situational. I avoid cooking any raw meat myself, because I don't trust myself to do it right, plus I don't want to deal with that kind of "contamination" stress. I hate trying anything new, so usually I make my wife try it first, and if she doesn't get violently ill from it (she never does), I might have some. I'm afraid of restaurants I've never been to before, so I try to stick with chains. Same for groceries - I have my safe "brands" and hate buying a different brand or the generic brand. When I know I have to go out somewhere, or when I am already in public, I try to go for simple / bland foods only like sandwiches or pasta. Oh, and I always avoid alcohol. The only alcohol I've had in my life was a tiny sip of champagne when I was really young (New Year's Eve).
1. Does your family know of your Emetophobia? I don't think so. To make a long story short, we have serious communication issues in my family.
2. Do your friends know of your Emetophobia? Yeah, probably all of them do. I'm pretty open about it.
3. Would you tell a stranger that you have Emetophobia? I guess it depends. I think the only strangers I have told are doctors / dentists so that 1) they would prescribe me anti-emetics 2) they wouldn't prescribe me anything with nausea or vomiting as a main side effect. It doesn't usually come up in normal conversation for me.
4. If you are currently in a relationship, how long did you wait to tell your partner? We were friends for a while before we started dating, so she already knew all about it.
5. Are you scared to have kids? Of course. But underneath all the fear, I don't think I want kids anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it. My life is pretty stress-free compared to the average person's life, and I have a hard time handling that tiny amount of stress. I can't imagine adding the stress of raising children to that.
6. If you are a mom who suffers from Emetophobia, how do you deal with the struggles of your kids being sick? N/A, but I'm sure I wouldn't deal with it well at all. I feel panicked even when our cat throws up and usually run to hide in the next room.
7. What age did you discover that you had a problem? I was around 11 and found a website describing emetophobia. I can't remember if I was actively looking for an explanation. I had recently had some problems with missing a lot of school because of "feeling sick," so maybe.
8. What type of methods have you tried to reach recovery? I've never really believed I could get rid of the phobia completely, but to cope better, I have tried just about everything. Exposure therapy, talk therapy, CBT, ACT, affirmations, all the basic relaxation techniques (meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, visualization), yoga, mindfulness, and hypnosis. Most of this I still do, because I find it all helpful. The only thing I haven't given a fair chance is long-term medication. The side effects scare me too much, so both times I tried it, I stopped after the first dose.
9. When was the last time you have thrown up and why? I was nine years old, and I'm pretty sure it was just a basic stomach virus.
10. When was the last time you saw someone else throw up? I'm not sure I remember. I've done a really good job of avoiding seeing it, even if all I could do was shut my eyes or turn my back on it. I feel like my last "direct experience" with it was December 2007 when I went into a stall in a communal bathroom in my college dorm building and then heard the girl in the stall right next to me start throwing up. I ran out right away.
11. What type of foods do you avoid? I don't think I avoid any food all the time, it's more situational. I avoid cooking any raw meat myself, because I don't trust myself to do it right, plus I don't want to deal with that kind of "contamination" stress. I hate trying anything new, so usually I make my wife try it first, and if she doesn't get violently ill from it (she never does), I might have some. I'm afraid of restaurants I've never been to before, so I try to stick with chains. Same for groceries - I have my safe "brands" and hate buying a different brand or the generic brand. When I know I have to go out somewhere, or when I am already in public, I try to go for simple / bland foods only like sandwiches or pasta. Oh, and I always avoid alcohol. The only alcohol I've had in my life was a tiny sip of champagne when I was really young (New Year's Eve).
Saturday, October 15, 2011
yoga / anxiety cat
I reached my yoga goal - three times this week. Now if I can just keep going, establish that as a routine, I'd be so happy. There are a bunch of other things I should be doing to improve my health (sleeping more, balancing my diet, etc.), but it never works out for me when I try to tackle them all at the same time, so I am focusing on just one for now. When I'm all set with the yoga, then I'll move on to something else.
I only started doing yoga about a year ago, so I still consider myself a novice (especially since I have not been able to consistently stick with it yet). It took me a while to find a DVD I liked. At first, I was using one that was way too easy, and I felt like I wasn't doing anything. Then I switched to another and had the opposite problem - it was super advanced. I couldn't even keep up with that one. Eventually I started using this YogaAway one, and it works perfectly for me, for now anyway. I love it because 1) it repeats each position/stretch several times, giving you ample opportunity to get the feel of it and make sure you are doing it correctly, and 2) the voice-over tells you exactly when to breathe in and when to breathe out the entire way through (and in a way that isn't awkward). I have a hard time maintaining deep breathing on my own, so I find that really helpful.
My anxiety has been higher than usual this past week, and aside from yoga, I've been trying to ride it out with funny movies and websites. I found this Anxiety Cat tumblr today and laughed over it for a long time. I can relate to almost every one of the entries.
I only started doing yoga about a year ago, so I still consider myself a novice (especially since I have not been able to consistently stick with it yet). It took me a while to find a DVD I liked. At first, I was using one that was way too easy, and I felt like I wasn't doing anything. Then I switched to another and had the opposite problem - it was super advanced. I couldn't even keep up with that one. Eventually I started using this YogaAway one, and it works perfectly for me, for now anyway. I love it because 1) it repeats each position/stretch several times, giving you ample opportunity to get the feel of it and make sure you are doing it correctly, and 2) the voice-over tells you exactly when to breathe in and when to breathe out the entire way through (and in a way that isn't awkward). I have a hard time maintaining deep breathing on my own, so I find that really helpful.
My anxiety has been higher than usual this past week, and aside from yoga, I've been trying to ride it out with funny movies and websites. I found this Anxiety Cat tumblr today and laughed over it for a long time. I can relate to almost every one of the entries.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
celebrating progress
I am usually hard on myself. I think all the time about things I do that I shouldn't be doing, things I avoid that I shouldn't be avoiding, etc. I try to pin down every single way that I am failing to function as a "normal" person due to anxiety so that I can fix it all. I'm not doing that today.
One year ago today, I was in the hospital for almost the entire day because of panic attacks. I knew that was what was happening; I've had anxiety my whole life, so I was familiar with the symptoms. But this was different than anything I had experienced, panic attacks that were hitting me from out of nowhere - while I was sitting safely at home - and lasting for hours. I really thought I had reached the point where I was going to lose my sanity. I couldn't stop thinking about those brief biographies that are written about authors like Poe or Plath or Hemingway, the kind that paint them as people who were doomed all along to a life of insanity, and it was just a matter of waiting for that final blow, the last nervous breakdown or institutionalization.
The panic attacks didn't start from an emetophobic place, but of course they ended up there. Before I even went to the hospital, I had gotten to the point where I wasn't eating much, because I was so overwhelmed. Then that turned into (what felt like) an inability to eat anything, which lasted for about two weeks. I did eat during this time, but only because of my wife. She would bring me something and insist that I eat it. I never once felt aware of being hungry, and everything I put in my mouth, including water, made me feel so "nauseous" that I was terrified of swallowing. I remember her bringing me a small bowl of dry Cheerios one morning, and after one or two bites I started sobbing, because it felt impossible to eat the entire bowl. I was scared I would never want to eat again and couldn't imagine a lifetime of forcing myself to do it every day.
I know the anxiety set this off, and taking Ativan one day, attempting Lexapro another day, and then trying Cymbalta on another, all on a practically empty stomach, can't have helped the situation. Especially when it was my first time ever taking psychiatric medication (I didn't end up sticking with any of them). But I think what caused it to last for so long was my own inaction. I was clinging to my long-held belief that 'not eating is the best defense against feeling bad,' even though I felt absolutely horrible, and it was clear that not eating was perpetuating that.
But since I'm celebrating progress here, I'm not going to talk about how I should have handled that better and could have gotten myself accustomed to food again much faster. I'm going to talk about how I did handle it better the second time around, because about two months ago, this happened to me again. I had a few panic attacks, and once again, I felt like I couldn't eat.
I'm really glad this second bad period happened. At first, it shook me up and made me feel that in spite of all my hard work, I hadn't gotten anywhere in the past ten months. But it became obvious, from the way things played out, that I had changed. There was no hospital trip. Instead of missing about five days of work, I only missed two. I still had some Ativan, but I didn't end up taking any. I increased my focus on affirmations and practiced breathing / visualization exercises. Most importantly, I made it one of my top goals to eat as much as possible. I still wasn't consuming anywhere near the amount I should have been, but I was at least having enough every day so that I didn't get into that emetophobic cycle where it just gets worse and worse: hunger = nausea = don't eat = more intense hunger = more intense nausea = still don't eat, etc.
I was back to eating normally within a week, and it never got so bad that I was crying over a meal. I was able to drink water the whole time. Plus whenever I did eat, I actually thought about what would be the best choice, given that I was somewhat malnourished and might not be able to eat a sufficient amount. I tried to choose what had protein and actual substance, versus a year ago when I only went for "safe" carbs like crackers, toast, cereal.
So looking back over this entire year now, I feel like I've come so far. It's strange even to remember being in the hospital and how I was desperate for them to send me home with some drug, because I figured it was all over for me, and that was the only way I might possibly be able to live a normal life again. It's incredible to know that when these bad anxiety periods happen, I don't have to just fall into that state of helplessness and passivity. I have some control and can do things to reduce both the level of anxiety and the length of time I feel that way. I've been trying to convince myself of this for the past year, and I am finally at the point where I believe it most of the time. Now I just have to figure out how I can prevent these bad periods from happening in the first place.
One year ago today, I was in the hospital for almost the entire day because of panic attacks. I knew that was what was happening; I've had anxiety my whole life, so I was familiar with the symptoms. But this was different than anything I had experienced, panic attacks that were hitting me from out of nowhere - while I was sitting safely at home - and lasting for hours. I really thought I had reached the point where I was going to lose my sanity. I couldn't stop thinking about those brief biographies that are written about authors like Poe or Plath or Hemingway, the kind that paint them as people who were doomed all along to a life of insanity, and it was just a matter of waiting for that final blow, the last nervous breakdown or institutionalization.
The panic attacks didn't start from an emetophobic place, but of course they ended up there. Before I even went to the hospital, I had gotten to the point where I wasn't eating much, because I was so overwhelmed. Then that turned into (what felt like) an inability to eat anything, which lasted for about two weeks. I did eat during this time, but only because of my wife. She would bring me something and insist that I eat it. I never once felt aware of being hungry, and everything I put in my mouth, including water, made me feel so "nauseous" that I was terrified of swallowing. I remember her bringing me a small bowl of dry Cheerios one morning, and after one or two bites I started sobbing, because it felt impossible to eat the entire bowl. I was scared I would never want to eat again and couldn't imagine a lifetime of forcing myself to do it every day.
I know the anxiety set this off, and taking Ativan one day, attempting Lexapro another day, and then trying Cymbalta on another, all on a practically empty stomach, can't have helped the situation. Especially when it was my first time ever taking psychiatric medication (I didn't end up sticking with any of them). But I think what caused it to last for so long was my own inaction. I was clinging to my long-held belief that 'not eating is the best defense against feeling bad,' even though I felt absolutely horrible, and it was clear that not eating was perpetuating that.
But since I'm celebrating progress here, I'm not going to talk about how I should have handled that better and could have gotten myself accustomed to food again much faster. I'm going to talk about how I did handle it better the second time around, because about two months ago, this happened to me again. I had a few panic attacks, and once again, I felt like I couldn't eat.
I'm really glad this second bad period happened. At first, it shook me up and made me feel that in spite of all my hard work, I hadn't gotten anywhere in the past ten months. But it became obvious, from the way things played out, that I had changed. There was no hospital trip. Instead of missing about five days of work, I only missed two. I still had some Ativan, but I didn't end up taking any. I increased my focus on affirmations and practiced breathing / visualization exercises. Most importantly, I made it one of my top goals to eat as much as possible. I still wasn't consuming anywhere near the amount I should have been, but I was at least having enough every day so that I didn't get into that emetophobic cycle where it just gets worse and worse: hunger = nausea = don't eat = more intense hunger = more intense nausea = still don't eat, etc.
I was back to eating normally within a week, and it never got so bad that I was crying over a meal. I was able to drink water the whole time. Plus whenever I did eat, I actually thought about what would be the best choice, given that I was somewhat malnourished and might not be able to eat a sufficient amount. I tried to choose what had protein and actual substance, versus a year ago when I only went for "safe" carbs like crackers, toast, cereal.
So looking back over this entire year now, I feel like I've come so far. It's strange even to remember being in the hospital and how I was desperate for them to send me home with some drug, because I figured it was all over for me, and that was the only way I might possibly be able to live a normal life again. It's incredible to know that when these bad anxiety periods happen, I don't have to just fall into that state of helplessness and passivity. I have some control and can do things to reduce both the level of anxiety and the length of time I feel that way. I've been trying to convince myself of this for the past year, and I am finally at the point where I believe it most of the time. Now I just have to figure out how I can prevent these bad periods from happening in the first place.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
restaurants / new goal
My wife and I went to a restaurant for lunch today, which didn't go quite as well as dinner the other night. I had a lot of anxiety ("nausea") in the time between finishing my meal and leaving the restaurant. Of course, the moment we walked out the door, I felt better, an experience I'm all too familiar with. It's always kind of infuriating, because part of me is thinking "this isn't anxiety, it really is something else this time" but that never turns out to be true. Being wrong is not the infuriating part. I'm happy to find out that the horrible thing I thought was happening to me is not real. What's infuriating is knowing that once again, I let anxiety bring down my enjoyment of an experience.
I used the same techniques I've been using: affirmations, deep breathing, mindfulness. In a public place it's not always possible to be completely focused on telling yourself "I am breathing in, I am breathing out" or something like that. Mindfulness in a situation like this involves focusing on your environment (instead of on your thoughts/feelings/internal state). It helps to think of the five senses (although smell and taste might be too much for an anxiety attack that is presenting itself as "nausea"). I focused on the music playing on the overhead speakers, the tennis match on the TV above the bar, the conversation I was having with my wife, the cold/wet feeling of the glass of water sitting in front of me.
In discussing my anxiety with my wife, she made me realize that I have a habit of trying to finish my meal as close to the time of us leaving as possible. Of course, this never really works out, because no waiter/waitress is going to bring the check while you still have food in front of you. But still, this is exactly the type of behavior that I am trying to eradicate from my life. I'm making a new goal to stop doing this, to eat at the pace that is normal for me and finish whenever I finish. If I have to sit in the restaurant for half an hour after I'm done, oh well. Nothing bad will happen. Emetophobia shmemetophobia!
I used the same techniques I've been using: affirmations, deep breathing, mindfulness. In a public place it's not always possible to be completely focused on telling yourself "I am breathing in, I am breathing out" or something like that. Mindfulness in a situation like this involves focusing on your environment (instead of on your thoughts/feelings/internal state). It helps to think of the five senses (although smell and taste might be too much for an anxiety attack that is presenting itself as "nausea"). I focused on the music playing on the overhead speakers, the tennis match on the TV above the bar, the conversation I was having with my wife, the cold/wet feeling of the glass of water sitting in front of me.
In discussing my anxiety with my wife, she made me realize that I have a habit of trying to finish my meal as close to the time of us leaving as possible. Of course, this never really works out, because no waiter/waitress is going to bring the check while you still have food in front of you. But still, this is exactly the type of behavior that I am trying to eradicate from my life. I'm making a new goal to stop doing this, to eat at the pace that is normal for me and finish whenever I finish. If I have to sit in the restaurant for half an hour after I'm done, oh well. Nothing bad will happen. Emetophobia shmemetophobia!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
mindfulness
It turns out the teacher for the class I'm taking is currently out of the country and unable to get a flight back because of the nasty hurricane weather that's been traveling up the coast. She didn't show up for our first class, and I got an email letting me know that the second class is canceled too. So much for my goals for the week!
But on some level, I'm grateful it turned out this way. I felt like this class was a huge step for me, and this turned it into a smaller baby step. I did not technically attend a class, but I sat in a room with about twenty other students I didn't know for the twenty minutes before we all decided to give up on the teacher and leave. That alone was a frightening situation for me, and I "felt sick" for probably the first fifteen of those twenty minutes.
I said my four-part affirmation to myself, and it did help somewhat. But in a sense it felt like the anxiety was flooding my brain and making it hard to even focus on the words, so I switched over to a mindfulness / breathing exercise from another book I read recently, The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. I took deep breaths, and each time I inhaled, I would say to myself "I am breathing in" and each time I exhaled, I would say to myself "I am breathing out." Or "I am breathing in a long breath" and "I am breathing out a long breath."
I guess because the words are combined with the concentrated act of controlling my breathing, they work in a way the affirmations don't, where I'm able to replace the "flood of anxiety" feeling in my head with just the breaths and the descriptions that go with them. At this point, it's hard to sustain, because I haven't been practicing mindfulness for very long. But having seen the way affirmations became more and more helpful the longer I worked with them, I'm optimistic that mindfulness techniques will end up being incredibly useful also.
Mindfulness teaches you to be only in the present moment, not in the future or the past. This may seem like a stupid idea to an emetophobic who is feeling nauseous - why would you want to remain in that present moment rather than thinking of something else?
-Because the more you practice being in the present moment, the more relaxed you will be, in general, overall. It's easy to handle what is happening right now in the present moment, not so easy to handle the vast expanse of possibilities in the future.
-Because when you are in a situation that causes a lot of anxiety, you may think that you won't be able to remain in that situation for the length of time you need to, but you can be pretty sure that you can get through the next minute or five minutes, at least. Kind of like AA's "one day at a time." Staying in the present moment in this way, you can get through whatever scary situation you are facing. And then, having survived it once, you'll know you can do so again.
-Because as an emetophobic, when you're leaving the present moment, it's usually not to go to some happy place in your mind where you don't feel sick. You're leaving the present moment to go into a fake or feared future ("I must be getting sick" "what if I am getting sick, and what if this causes me to throw up?"), and this is obviously not helpful.
But on some level, I'm grateful it turned out this way. I felt like this class was a huge step for me, and this turned it into a smaller baby step. I did not technically attend a class, but I sat in a room with about twenty other students I didn't know for the twenty minutes before we all decided to give up on the teacher and leave. That alone was a frightening situation for me, and I "felt sick" for probably the first fifteen of those twenty minutes.
I said my four-part affirmation to myself, and it did help somewhat. But in a sense it felt like the anxiety was flooding my brain and making it hard to even focus on the words, so I switched over to a mindfulness / breathing exercise from another book I read recently, The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. I took deep breaths, and each time I inhaled, I would say to myself "I am breathing in" and each time I exhaled, I would say to myself "I am breathing out." Or "I am breathing in a long breath" and "I am breathing out a long breath."
I guess because the words are combined with the concentrated act of controlling my breathing, they work in a way the affirmations don't, where I'm able to replace the "flood of anxiety" feeling in my head with just the breaths and the descriptions that go with them. At this point, it's hard to sustain, because I haven't been practicing mindfulness for very long. But having seen the way affirmations became more and more helpful the longer I worked with them, I'm optimistic that mindfulness techniques will end up being incredibly useful also.
Mindfulness teaches you to be only in the present moment, not in the future or the past. This may seem like a stupid idea to an emetophobic who is feeling nauseous - why would you want to remain in that present moment rather than thinking of something else?
-Because the more you practice being in the present moment, the more relaxed you will be, in general, overall. It's easy to handle what is happening right now in the present moment, not so easy to handle the vast expanse of possibilities in the future.
-Because when you are in a situation that causes a lot of anxiety, you may think that you won't be able to remain in that situation for the length of time you need to, but you can be pretty sure that you can get through the next minute or five minutes, at least. Kind of like AA's "one day at a time." Staying in the present moment in this way, you can get through whatever scary situation you are facing. And then, having survived it once, you'll know you can do so again.
-Because as an emetophobic, when you're leaving the present moment, it's usually not to go to some happy place in your mind where you don't feel sick. You're leaving the present moment to go into a fake or feared future ("I must be getting sick" "what if I am getting sick, and what if this causes me to throw up?"), and this is obviously not helpful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)