doctor

I went to the doctor for a check-up last week. And survived! I was extremely nervous before and during it, but it all turned out fine. I even got a vaccination that I needed, one that supposedly can cause nausea or vomiting (a 1 in 10 chance). No problems with that either.

I was anxious that I would be part of the 10%, but I know there was no reason to be. I have never had any issues with vaccinations or medications in the past (being allergic to them, having bad reactions). Not to mention the fact that probably most of the 10% felt nauseous but didn't vomit (since the stats combined the two side effects), or they allowed themselves to vomit when they felt nauseous because they aren't afraid of it.

I'm super proud of myself for forcing myself to do this. And the best part is that now I won't have to do it again for one to two years! I'm leaning towards two. 

self-healing rituals

Most people have heard of the placebo effect. A person is given a fake cure for some ailment, but it actually does make them feel better, because they believe it will work. Usually the person receiving the placebo doesn't know it's a placebo. They think they are getting real medicine (or surgery).

But some studies have shown that placebos can work even on people who know they are taking a placebo. This article from NPR gives more information. The theory as to why this works is that taking the medicine or having the surgery creates a "self-healing ritual" - which is just another way of saying that you're taking action to fix the problem. Your mind is aware of that, and then both your mind and body "expect" that this action will have good results. So it does.

A.J. Jacobs talks about this effect in his book Drop Dead Healthy:

"You could view placebos as depressing, I suppose. So much of medicine is a sham. Your brain is a three-card monte dealer running cons on the rest of your body. But I don't see it that way. I find placebos uplifting and exhilarating. It means that taking action - no matter what that action is - might help you feel better. The key is just to get your aching butt off the couch."

I'm not saying placebos are all you ever need to be healthy. When it comes to more serious illnesses, actual medicine would be necessary (although optimism - believing you will get better - is always a good thing). But for something like emetophobia, or any other kind of health anxiety, or even problems like IBS or chronic pain syndrome (that have been shown to improve using psychological treatment), I think self-healing rituals are extremely important.

I remember that when I started having those horrible panic attacks two years ago, I felt anxious almost constantly. It was like my brain was full of it, like I was always on the verge of hysteria - except when:

• I went to the hospital. On the drive there, in the waiting room, explaining how I felt to various doctors. I felt calmer this entire time - still not normal, but much better. I trusted that they would make me feel better. (It's been said that even seeing the usual attire of a doctor creates a placebo effect.)
• I went to the doctor to discuss trying psychiatric medication.
• I went to the pharmacy to pick up the medication. This one I remember the most. Even now, whenever I drive by that particular pharmacy, I feel my spirits lift a little, remembering how it was a beacon of hope for me at that moment. Even though I hated the medication and didn't continue taking it, I was so relieved at that time to have it as an option. I can see why many people believe medication is a quick fix. I told myself over and over that this wasn't true, but your desperation overshadows what you know.

Once all this was behind me, I realized there would be no quick fix, and I would need to keep working very hard on my own. I kept creating my own self-healing rituals: meditating every day for a certain amount of time, writing out affirmations over and over in a little notebook, and (my favorite, in terms of making me feel more hopeful) flipping through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook and reminding myself that there were more things to try if what I was doing didn't work - that there was even the possibility that combining certain approaches would work best, which meant there were almost unlimited options.

So I am in total agreement with A.J. Jacobs when he says that taking any action can help - and that this concept is extremely uplifting. Anxiety can feel like it is paralyzing you, but taking steps, even small steps, to conquer it can be a powerful "weapon" in itself.

accomplishments

I finally did it. I made a doctor's appointment for a check-up. It's at the end of August, and I'm already really worried about it. I can't even put my finger on why exactly, but I guess it's a fear that I'll find out I have some horrible health problem. Or that I have one, but it won't be identified, because I will forget to bring something up or describe something incorrectly. I feel like I should make some long list of all my concerns to take with me, so I don't forget anything. But that would probably be annoying, huh?

I also have been trying to take better care of myself physically - exercising and eating healthy. I wouldn't say I'm doing either enough, but I'm keeping it in mind as a constant goal, and I have been doing better than usual. Last Friday I took the day off work and dedicated the day to relaxation. I didn't speak all day (just thought it'd be nice to have an atmosphere of absolute quiet). I tried to eat all my meals mindfully. I took a long walk around town (it was a gorgeous sunny day) and then did about 45 minutes of yoga. I worked on some writing projects and then later that evening, I listened to my meditation CD. It was the perfect vacation day.

Then over the weekend, I went to see the new Pixar movie Brave. There were of course children in the theater, and as a general rule, I try to stay away from them. They scare me quite a bit, because I see them as being constantly sick. Seriously, it seems like my (almost 2 year old) nephew is sick with something different every single week, sometimes things I have never heard of. But I was able to handle the movie without feeling much extra anxiety. I tensed up slightly every time one of the children walked by me and kind of leaned away from them. That was about it. The movie was incredible, by the way. It was the best kids' movie I've seen in a long time.

After the movie, I went out to eat at a restaurant I've only been to once before. I was really hungry and ate a lot, including dessert. I only had a little anxiety, and it was in the car after leaving, when I realized how full I felt. But it (the anxiety) passed quickly.

I'm so happy with all of this. I feel like I'm doing really well, other than freaking out about the doctor's appointment. It's not for a while, which could either mean I have plenty of time to calm down about it or that I have plenty of time to get more and more anxious. Of course, that's up to me and what I choose to think, so... time for affirmations!