walking goals

Happy 2015 everyone!

Last year I made a resolution to walk 5000 steps a day. Since I work from home and don't like going out all that much, I was averaging barely 1000 steps. Definitely not healthy.

I never do well with exercise goals, but I found it really easy to stick with this one after I bought a pedometer. Those things are amazing. I don't know why, but being able to track by number of steps rather than time is so much more motivating. I bought this Omron one and love it. You probably know the Fitbit is the more popular brand because you can sync up to your computer to track your progress or to other people to form groups, challenge your friends, compete and such. (Also Fitbits are much smaller and more aesthetically appealing.) I got mine before the Fitbit craze and I'm not too interested in making my exercise social at this point in time, so I'm sticking with the Omron for now. It tracks total steps, aerobic steps, miles, calories burned. I rarely look at anything except the total steps - I clip it to my pants, wear it until I hit my step goal, then take it off.

I knew I wanted to work my way up to 10000 steps a day, and I thought it would be easier to do if I added 1000 steps to my goal every month. In September I bumped my goal up to 6000, in October to 7000, etc. and started out 2015 at 10000 steps a day. So that's my main resolution for this year, to stick with that goal.

I think all this walking and trying to eat healthier has decreased my anxiety. 2014 was an awesome year. I pushed my boundaries - going to concerts, festivals, etc. - and I still experienced some anxiety during most of these events, but I had a great time overall.

I did end up seeing The Nutcracker last month, and that was wonderful too. Even though I felt mildly "sick" during most of it. I just took deep breaths and tried to ignore it, which is usually easy for me to do these days. I keep telling myself it's not real illness, even if a part of me doubts it. Then intermission comes - the lights turn back on, everyone starts moving around, I know I could leave if I wanted, I'm able to talk and laugh with my wife for a few minutes, and all of this instantly makes me feel better. Because it is only anxiety.

two years

Today's the anniversary of my "breakdown." Actually, I guess it really started the night before with the first of the panic attacks, but this was the date where I was in the hospital all day, so I consider this to be The Infamous Day.

I never thought I would feel like myself again, but I do. I can now say I feel like my anxiety is under control, at least as much as it can be while still having a phobia. It's just exhilarating to know that. Two years ago I was such a mess, and I had never imagined that things could get that bad. And then I couldn't imagine that they would ever get this good again either.

In celebration of this, I'm posting the timeline of my improvement. This is pretty much how the last two years went:

September 10, 2010: I was in the hospital most of the day discussing my non-stop panic attacks with various people. Then they gave me Ativan, and I went home and took that immediately, and then one or two other times in the next few days.

September 11-19: I went to the doctor three times. The first time I was given Lexapro, which made me feel sick, so I only took it once. The second time I got my thyroid tested (problems with it can cause anxiety issues), and nothing was wrong with it. The third time I was given Cymbalta, and I only took that once too. It didn't make me feel sick, but it did have minor side effects that bothered me (like restless legs).

I missed a lot of work. I couldn't eat or drink much. Everything I ate made me feel nauseous; I was taking a lot of Zofran during this time. I couldn't sleep and basically spent every night in the living room, dozing with the TV on.

I started seeing a therapist and doing breathing exercises, and I listened to a guided meditation CD every day and tried to meditate as much as possible. It was not something I had done much in the past, but it helped immensely anyway. Just made me feel temporarily calmer.

September 26: I started working through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. I know I've talked about it a lot, but I'll say it again. It's an amazing book. It helped me so much.

October 5: I joined a gym and started exercising more to see if that would help. It does help, but I still have a hard time sticking with the habit, even now.

October 8: By this point I was doing word searches almost constantly, especially when I woke up in the middle of the night (which was almost every night). They really helped me calm down when I was anxious.

October 16: I wouldn't let myself watch anything (on TV or in movies), read anything, think about anything upsetting or anxiety-producing. I felt frustrated by having to hide from negativity, but now I think it was the right thing to do. It helped me get better faster, and obviously I no longer have to do it. But I still don't watch horror movies. I used to watch them all the time and now don't let myself, because they have too much of an effect on me.

October 20: I had gotten a little notebook and was writing out affirmations in it every day. I would pick one from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook and write it out five to ten times in a row, pausing in between to reflect on what it was saying and really try to believe it. I did this at least once a day, but more if I was really anxious. It was another activity that calmed me down.

December 4: I started noticing that PMS always made my anxiety issues much worse. I began reminding myself of this every month around that time so that I wouldn't take my thoughts and feelings so seriously.

February 3, 2011: I started doing yoga. I don't do it much anymore, but it was helpful and calming at the time. 

April 30: I printed out some of my favorite affirmations and would tape one to the wall above my desk so that I'd be reminded of it frequently throughout the day. Every so often, I'd switch to a new one. 

May 9: I was still seeing that my anxiety got significantly worse and hard to deal with during PMS, so I started taking 100mg of B6 daily (on top of a multivitamin) to help with that. It seemed to work wonders (after a couple months I think). I still take it. 

July 23 - 26: I started having bad panic attacks again. It felt like a repeat of the initial "breakdown" only to a much lesser degree. But again, it was extremely difficult to eat or drink for a few days, and I felt horrible all the time. I'm not sure what caused this relapse, but I got it under control much faster than I had the first time, mostly through forcing myself to eat as much as possible, which kept me somewhat stable. This gave me hope that I was moving in the right direction. 

August 29: I started taking a class at a college nearby. This forced me out of the house on a regular basis, forced me to interact with the world again, which was something I really needed. I had gotten pretty homebound. 

September 10: I tried hypnosis for the first (and only) time. I felt slightly better for a few days after it, but I have no idea if it was the hypnosis that caused this. Or the placebo effect. Or coincidence. 

November 22: I took a trip to see my family for Thanksgiving. This was very stressful and didn't go as well as I had hoped. Again, I had problems eating, drinking, and sleeping. I felt sick almost constantly. But I did manage to get through it without any medication (psychiatric or anti-emetic). I used affirmations that I had written out on index cards and the EmWave2 I had just gotten.

February 19, 2012: I did an online emetophobia study which started around this time. It involved a lot of CBT and exposure work that was helpful.

May 1: I stopped going to therapy, because I felt pretty confident that I knew what to do when I was anxious. Most of the time I could calm myself down by countering my negative thoughts and focusing on more positive ones.

That's about it. I've been doing really well this year. Basically, the Thanksgiving trip was the last "crisis" period I had, and I am sure that if I took that trip again this November, it would go a lot better.

Speaking of trips, I am taking a small one later this month. I won't even be leaving the state, but I will be staying in a hotel in another city. I'm excited. For the first time in a long time, I feel excited about a trip. I'm not dreading it! I think it's going to go really well and be loads of fun.

accomplishments

I finally did it. I made a doctor's appointment for a check-up. It's at the end of August, and I'm already really worried about it. I can't even put my finger on why exactly, but I guess it's a fear that I'll find out I have some horrible health problem. Or that I have one, but it won't be identified, because I will forget to bring something up or describe something incorrectly. I feel like I should make some long list of all my concerns to take with me, so I don't forget anything. But that would probably be annoying, huh?

I also have been trying to take better care of myself physically - exercising and eating healthy. I wouldn't say I'm doing either enough, but I'm keeping it in mind as a constant goal, and I have been doing better than usual. Last Friday I took the day off work and dedicated the day to relaxation. I didn't speak all day (just thought it'd be nice to have an atmosphere of absolute quiet). I tried to eat all my meals mindfully. I took a long walk around town (it was a gorgeous sunny day) and then did about 45 minutes of yoga. I worked on some writing projects and then later that evening, I listened to my meditation CD. It was the perfect vacation day.

Then over the weekend, I went to see the new Pixar movie Brave. There were of course children in the theater, and as a general rule, I try to stay away from them. They scare me quite a bit, because I see them as being constantly sick. Seriously, it seems like my (almost 2 year old) nephew is sick with something different every single week, sometimes things I have never heard of. But I was able to handle the movie without feeling much extra anxiety. I tensed up slightly every time one of the children walked by me and kind of leaned away from them. That was about it. The movie was incredible, by the way. It was the best kids' movie I've seen in a long time.

After the movie, I went out to eat at a restaurant I've only been to once before. I was really hungry and ate a lot, including dessert. I only had a little anxiety, and it was in the car after leaving, when I realized how full I felt. But it (the anxiety) passed quickly.

I'm so happy with all of this. I feel like I'm doing really well, other than freaking out about the doctor's appointment. It's not for a while, which could either mean I have plenty of time to calm down about it or that I have plenty of time to get more and more anxious. Of course, that's up to me and what I choose to think, so... time for affirmations! 

blah

I haven't had that much emetophobic anxiety lately. I even went out to dinner recently and ate until I was overly full and didn't feel the slightest bit worried about it. I can't remember the last time that happened. So there's the good news.

But I've been having tons of anxiety about my health in general. I keep noticing little aches and pains and feeling like there is something wrong with me. Plus I feel low-energy. All of this could, of course, be caused by anxiety and anxiety alone. But how can I know for sure? I can't. I can't know anything for sure, and my refusal to accept this is basically the root of all my problems.

My only option really is to start up an anxiety-fighting regimen again to see if that makes me feel any better physically. I think the main area I need to focus on is exercise. But I also bought a CD player for the bedroom so that I can listen to guided meditation CDs in there, away from distractions (naughty cat, TV, noisy air conditioner).

And I'm trying to work up the courage to make a doctor's appointment. This was one of my New Year's resolutions, to get a check-up this summer, and now it's summer, but I've yet to make the appointment. It'd be nice to be officially told there is nothing wrong with me, and then I'll have that as ammunition against all these irrational thoughts.

new year's resolutions

I know I'm overshooting here (and yet still falling short of what I actually want to be doing), but these are my health-related goals for the new year:

1) Eat four servings of fruit / vegetables a day.

2) Do yoga twice a week.

3) Exercise three days a week.

4) Get check-up / physical.

5) Limit taking temperature to once a month.

6) Limit taking anti-nausea meds or anti-emetics to once a week (except for Tums).

7) Limit asking my wife if I am sick to once a day.

8) Meditate or work with affirmations or deep breathing once a week.

9) Do actual written CBT work once a week.

10) Do something outside the house that makes me anxious at least twice a month.

PMS / vitamins / exercise

I'm heading into that PMS time of the month, so I thought I would write a little about that.

I used to be pretty unaware of how much PMS affects my anxiety, but over the past year, I've come to see how my anxiety always spikes at this time. I'll be doing really well, and suddenly it will feel like I've lost control over my emotions again. Last night I didn't feel well after eating dinner, and I became convinced that I was going to throw up, even though I really think this episode of "not feeling well" was no worse than usual. After I calmed down, I was kind of shocked that my anxiety had escalated so quickly. All signs pointing to "oh yeah, PMS." It's back, wreaking its havoc.

But even though it's still a tough time for me, it's not as bad as it was several months ago when I first started noticing the pattern.

For one thing, that in itself - being aware of it - has been a huge help. Now I am prepared for it every month, and when my anxiety starts to get worse inexplicably, or when I start feeling really upset/depressed or frustrated about my anxiety, I know that is most likely the cause. That knowledge helps me stay calm, because I can remind myself that it's temporary. I've started training myself to avoid thinking about certain topics, high-anxiety topics, during PMS. For example, my wife and I are planning a vacation for Thanksgiving. I am excited, but the thought of it also stresses me out a lot. During PMS, if I think about this trip, I usually feel none of the excitement and about ten times more overwhelmed than I do at other times. I start to worry and worry about every little facet of it, and it only ends up making me feel like it's going to be a disaster. So now, if I start to think about it during PMS, I just tell myself "you don't need to think about that right now" and move on to something else.

I also started taking a 100mg B6 vitamin every day in addition to the standard multivitamin I was already taking. This extra B6 has helped so much. I would say it's almost miraculous. Not only does it reduce my general PMS symptoms (including the intensity of my emotions, it seems), but it has made my menstrual cramps less painful. Cramps have always triggered emetophobic anxiety for me, and the more pain I felt, the more anxiety I felt. So that is a huge relief.

Yoga and/or exercise are also supposed to be amazing for helping with PMS. I have seen a little evidence personally, because I was doing yoga almost every day for a couple weeks, and that month I felt a lot better than normal during my period. I would love to be able to say more about this, but I have yet to maintain a regular yoga or exercise schedule. This is something I have been wanting to do for months, and I have made several attempts, but they always die out. Apparently the only exercise I truly enjoy is playing tennis, and for some reason, there are no free open-to-the-public courts in our area.

Anyway, even though I am not currently exercising, I firmly believe in its power to make things significantly better. For anxiety in general, not just PMS-related anxiety. I'm still hoping I'll someday motivate myself to start exercising again and to actually stick with it so that I can enjoy the (many) benefits of it.