We're leaving early tomorrow morning on our trip. I'm trying to be excited, but I'm more on the nervous end of the spectrum. I do think we are extremely well prepared. In addition to the regular luggage, we packed two extra bags:
-- an "anti-anxiety" bag. It has my thermometer, anti-nausea medicine, a couple of my anxiety workbooks, word searches / crossword puzzles, and relaxation CDs. I also have 10 affirmations on notecards and my emWave in my purse.
-- a food bag. I didn't want to have to rely on whatever was around, restaurant-wise, both while driving and also when we get to the hotel. So we packed things to eat - some peanut butter sandwiches, chips, pretzels, and Luna bars.
We've got tons of music to listen to in the car. We've spaced out the trip so it's not too busy and overwhelming. I've just been trying to distract myself from my worries about it. If I'm having a hard time doing that, I try to think about it as a series of manageable steps rather than the whole trip at once. The first step is to get through six hours of driving tomorrow. That's it. I can handle that, and once I have, then I can think about the next part.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
a visit to the pharmacy
I went to the pharmacy tonight to buy some "just in case" items for the trip. My prescribed anti-emetics are long expired. I have nothing to tell a doctor to convince them to prescribe me more. So I figured I would just get something over the counter in case I get some sickness while on the trip. I ended up buying Emetrol (anti-nausea), some Emergen-C (to strengthen my immune system over the next week), and seven individually wrapped toothbrushes.
I should feel better now, but I don't. I don't usually do things like this. I don't have an emetophobia kit, I don't carry medication around with me all the time, I don't even bother with immune system boosters. Because taking any of those precautions always makes me feel like this, like crap. I have way more doubts and anxiety thoughts now than before I went into the pharmacy. Shopping for an anti-emetic leads to visualizing myself in a situation where I would need it. I'm happiest when I try not to think about any of it as much as possible.
I hold myself to very high standards, and I'm embarrassed, and I guess a little ashamed, that I bought these items. It feels weak. It's a big deal to me to be mentally healthy as well as physically healthy, and letting myself indulge in these safety behaviors always makes me start worrying about the mental health side. I want to be in control of my life. I don't want to be limited. That bottle of Emetrol I bought for no good reason is just a symbol to me of a downward spiral to a point where I won't be able to live in any meaningful way.
I'm probably being too hard on myself. It's only one trip, and it's the most stressful thing I've done in over a year. I can have an emetophobia kit just this once, and it's completely irrational to think that having these things will jinx me in some way.
When we get back home though, I am done with all of this. I'm throwing it out. I don't even want it in our apartment. Thinking about that makes me feel better. I'm not going to allow this to take over my life any more than it already has. This will probably take the form of New Year's resolutions. No more anti-emetics around, no more thermometer. I don't know. I'll make a firmer list later on.
I should feel better now, but I don't. I don't usually do things like this. I don't have an emetophobia kit, I don't carry medication around with me all the time, I don't even bother with immune system boosters. Because taking any of those precautions always makes me feel like this, like crap. I have way more doubts and anxiety thoughts now than before I went into the pharmacy. Shopping for an anti-emetic leads to visualizing myself in a situation where I would need it. I'm happiest when I try not to think about any of it as much as possible.
I hold myself to very high standards, and I'm embarrassed, and I guess a little ashamed, that I bought these items. It feels weak. It's a big deal to me to be mentally healthy as well as physically healthy, and letting myself indulge in these safety behaviors always makes me start worrying about the mental health side. I want to be in control of my life. I don't want to be limited. That bottle of Emetrol I bought for no good reason is just a symbol to me of a downward spiral to a point where I won't be able to live in any meaningful way.
I'm probably being too hard on myself. It's only one trip, and it's the most stressful thing I've done in over a year. I can have an emetophobia kit just this once, and it's completely irrational to think that having these things will jinx me in some way.
When we get back home though, I am done with all of this. I'm throwing it out. I don't even want it in our apartment. Thinking about that makes me feel better. I'm not going to allow this to take over my life any more than it already has. This will probably take the form of New Year's resolutions. No more anti-emetics around, no more thermometer. I don't know. I'll make a firmer list later on.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
emWave2
I have the greatest wife in the world. She bought me an emWave2 for Christmas! She gave it to me this morning. She wanted to give it to me early so that I could practice with it and then use it on our upcoming trip.
I've been thinking about getting one of these for months, but I kept hesitating and putting it off, because it's pretty expensive. I haven't actually charged it or gone through the instruction booklet yet to see everything it can do, but my therapist has one and showed me the basics a few months ago. Basically, it's a biofeedback device that measures your heart rate and breathing rate, allowing you to better see what is going on inside you. Then you can practice achieving relaxation through various methods and see which methods work best for you, work the fastest, etc. You can also download what's on the device to your computer and then look at your information over time, review your progress.
I'm sure I'll write more about it later. I don't think I am going to have much time to play with it today though. Since it's our last weekend before leaving, there are a ton of chores and errands to do. I'm going to be spending the whole day cleaning.
I've been thinking about getting one of these for months, but I kept hesitating and putting it off, because it's pretty expensive. I haven't actually charged it or gone through the instruction booklet yet to see everything it can do, but my therapist has one and showed me the basics a few months ago. Basically, it's a biofeedback device that measures your heart rate and breathing rate, allowing you to better see what is going on inside you. Then you can practice achieving relaxation through various methods and see which methods work best for you, work the fastest, etc. You can also download what's on the device to your computer and then look at your information over time, review your progress.
I'm sure I'll write more about it later. I don't think I am going to have much time to play with it today though. Since it's our last weekend before leaving, there are a ton of chores and errands to do. I'm going to be spending the whole day cleaning.
Friday, November 11, 2011
swallowing pills
I know a lot of emetophobes have trouble swallowing pills. I had this problem for most of my life. In high school, I used to dissolve Aleve or Midol in a glass of water and then drink it. There are no words to explain how disgusting this tastes. You will just have to try it and see for yourself. Or on second thought, don't ever do this.
Now I have a method that works most of the time. Very similar to the method people use to trick their pet into eating a pill. I chew up a bite of food that I know I can swallow all at once, then put the pill in my mouth and maneuver it into the middle of that bite. As long as I can't feel it there at all, I can then swallow the bite of food and the pill along with it. Thus, it works best with foods that are more solid and don't dissolve in your mouth, nothing like pudding or applesauce. For a long time, I had the most success with cereal, but now I can use practically anything. The only time I have trouble is when I'm so tense with anxiety that my throat feels closed up. Then it's hard to swallow in general.
I still prefer liquid medicines or chewable pills, and luckily, you can usually find them. But sometimes they're not available, and at those times, it's nice to not have to choose between pain and painkiller-flavored drinks. Ick.
Now I have a method that works most of the time. Very similar to the method people use to trick their pet into eating a pill. I chew up a bite of food that I know I can swallow all at once, then put the pill in my mouth and maneuver it into the middle of that bite. As long as I can't feel it there at all, I can then swallow the bite of food and the pill along with it. Thus, it works best with foods that are more solid and don't dissolve in your mouth, nothing like pudding or applesauce. For a long time, I had the most success with cereal, but now I can use practically anything. The only time I have trouble is when I'm so tense with anxiety that my throat feels closed up. Then it's hard to swallow in general.
I still prefer liquid medicines or chewable pills, and luckily, you can usually find them. But sometimes they're not available, and at those times, it's nice to not have to choose between pain and painkiller-flavored drinks. Ick.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
general health anxiety
It's been an intense week. It seems pretty clear that as this VA trip gets closer, I am going to be dealing with every anxiety thought in my big fat collection. I was in near panic mode two nights in a row, thinking I had cancer or some other life-threatening disease, because of an irritated throat and all my muscles being incredibly sore. Actual causes? I'm thinking the throat thing is (...still...) our heater (hoping this will possibly maybe sink in sometime soon), and the muscle soreness was from lack of sleep and anxiety. I'm feeling fine now and don't know how I managed to leap from those incredibly benign symptoms to "I'm probably dying."
I think I'm going to start doing some serious CBT work again to keep myself from getting stuck in this negativity. A while ago I bought and read Overcoming Health Anxiety by Rob Willson and David Veale. There are a ton of CBT exercises in it to combat health anxiety, but I haven't done any of them yet. I just read the book straight through first. Now I am revisiting it, so I figured I would share my general thoughts about the book here.
I specifically bought it, because I heard there was a chapter devoted to emetophobia (a whole chapter!). But that chapter was a huge disappointment to me. It was late in the book, and emetophobia was basically laid out as an example of a type of health anxiety. So the book up until that point had already covered health anxiety in general and had provided several different techniques to help cope with or overcome it. At the end of the emetophobia chapter, they listed ways to cope with or overcome emetophobia, but they were the same techniques given in the earlier chapters (just reworded to show how they related to emetophobia). There was nothing new. There isn't anything wrong with that really, but it bothered me, because the rest of the chapter was only a description of our usual neurotic thoughts and behaviors. So at the end of the chapter, I was left feeling more anxious than I was before reading it.
The authors even included a list of conditions or situations that can cause vomiting that emetophobes don't usually worry about, as a way of pointing out how irrational we are by selecting certain risks to focus on and ignoring others. In what scenario did they imagine that information would be helpful? For some emetophobes, their current goal is only to become the safest / healthiest emetophobe they can possibly be, no matter what abnormal behaviors that goal leads to. This would be almost a challenge to them! For those that are trying to cut down on abnormal behaviors, they are just left with more information in their heads to try to ignore.
I consider myself to be in the second group, which is why I'm never going to post an entry here talking about 1) what foods have been reported to cause the most food poisoning, 2) which anti-emetic is the best to take before going on a long car ride, 3) "full-proof" ways to make sure you never get a stomach virus, etc. I don't consider any of that helpful and try to avoid reading anything of that nature on other emetophobia blogs or forums. It's my hope that this blog will not make other emetophobes worse.
But back to the book. That chapter aside, most of it was really amazing, and I would recommend it, because any of the CBT exercises can be used with emetophobia. One of the exercises is to write down the symptom (or physical sensation) that you are worrying about, write down your "catastrophic misinterpretation" of the symptom, and then write down all possible alternative explanations for the symptom. My experience a few days ago probably would have been better if I had used this exercise to remind myself how many possible alternative explanations there are for muscle soreness.
When I read these self-help books, I sometimes don't take the time to actually work through the exercises, by writing down responses or repeating ideas to myself on a regular basis. I have tended to think that just reading through them is good enough - especially because most of it is very logical or common sense. The rational part of my brain tells me "that's obvious and easy, and I'll remember it." It's funny, because a bunch of the books even include a warning NOT to think this way and stress how important it is to do the work. When the anxiety disorder takes over, there is no logic or common sense anymore. Reading through all those exercises did not stop me from feeling terrified that I had cancer. It doesn't stop me from worrying that I am going to throw up. I need new thoughts to compete with the negative thoughts I've been rehearsing my entire life, and they won't be there if I don't practice them and drill them into my brain. Sometimes it's as dull and tedious as studying for school, but it's worth it.
I think I'm going to start doing some serious CBT work again to keep myself from getting stuck in this negativity. A while ago I bought and read Overcoming Health Anxiety by Rob Willson and David Veale. There are a ton of CBT exercises in it to combat health anxiety, but I haven't done any of them yet. I just read the book straight through first. Now I am revisiting it, so I figured I would share my general thoughts about the book here.
I specifically bought it, because I heard there was a chapter devoted to emetophobia (a whole chapter!). But that chapter was a huge disappointment to me. It was late in the book, and emetophobia was basically laid out as an example of a type of health anxiety. So the book up until that point had already covered health anxiety in general and had provided several different techniques to help cope with or overcome it. At the end of the emetophobia chapter, they listed ways to cope with or overcome emetophobia, but they were the same techniques given in the earlier chapters (just reworded to show how they related to emetophobia). There was nothing new. There isn't anything wrong with that really, but it bothered me, because the rest of the chapter was only a description of our usual neurotic thoughts and behaviors. So at the end of the chapter, I was left feeling more anxious than I was before reading it.
The authors even included a list of conditions or situations that can cause vomiting that emetophobes don't usually worry about, as a way of pointing out how irrational we are by selecting certain risks to focus on and ignoring others. In what scenario did they imagine that information would be helpful? For some emetophobes, their current goal is only to become the safest / healthiest emetophobe they can possibly be, no matter what abnormal behaviors that goal leads to. This would be almost a challenge to them! For those that are trying to cut down on abnormal behaviors, they are just left with more information in their heads to try to ignore.
I consider myself to be in the second group, which is why I'm never going to post an entry here talking about 1) what foods have been reported to cause the most food poisoning, 2) which anti-emetic is the best to take before going on a long car ride, 3) "full-proof" ways to make sure you never get a stomach virus, etc. I don't consider any of that helpful and try to avoid reading anything of that nature on other emetophobia blogs or forums. It's my hope that this blog will not make other emetophobes worse.
But back to the book. That chapter aside, most of it was really amazing, and I would recommend it, because any of the CBT exercises can be used with emetophobia. One of the exercises is to write down the symptom (or physical sensation) that you are worrying about, write down your "catastrophic misinterpretation" of the symptom, and then write down all possible alternative explanations for the symptom. My experience a few days ago probably would have been better if I had used this exercise to remind myself how many possible alternative explanations there are for muscle soreness.
When I read these self-help books, I sometimes don't take the time to actually work through the exercises, by writing down responses or repeating ideas to myself on a regular basis. I have tended to think that just reading through them is good enough - especially because most of it is very logical or common sense. The rational part of my brain tells me "that's obvious and easy, and I'll remember it." It's funny, because a bunch of the books even include a warning NOT to think this way and stress how important it is to do the work. When the anxiety disorder takes over, there is no logic or common sense anymore. Reading through all those exercises did not stop me from feeling terrified that I had cancer. It doesn't stop me from worrying that I am going to throw up. I need new thoughts to compete with the negative thoughts I've been rehearsing my entire life, and they won't be there if I don't practice them and drill them into my brain. Sometimes it's as dull and tedious as studying for school, but it's worth it.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
dry hands
The cold weather just started, and already my hands are all dry/rough and red from washing them so much. This is an issue I run into every winter. Eventually they get so bad that the skin cracks and bleeds. I try to keep putting lotion on them, but since I'm bound to wash it off within a half hour during the day, it basically only helps to put it on right before I go to bed. Plus most lotions seem inadequate in the face of the damage emetophobes inflict on their hands. The one I have found that helps the most (if I remember to put it on every single night) is Vaseline Intensive Rescue. If anyone else has found anything that works well, I'd love to hear about it.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
practice trip
We took another practice road trip this past weekend. We went to the same restaurant, and this time, I got something that I considered to be "unsafe" to eat while out in public. After eating, we drove around the area. We were looking for a particular store, but we never found it. We just kept driving around and got kind of lost in a semi-busy area. Driving in an unfamiliar area and traffic and being lost are all things that make me stressed out, but I didn't start feeling really "sick" because of it, which is exciting to me. I think I am ready for the VA trip. I actually feel like I can handle it. There were many times during the past year when I felt like I might be stuck here forever because of my anxiety, so I am looking forward to getting far away.
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