I've moved all my old entries over to tumblr and will be posting there too from now on, if anyone wants to follow me over there:
Emetophobia Shmemetophobia
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
catching up
Usually I try to space out any high anxiety / social events in my life. I might have something planned one weekend and because of that make sure nothing else is planned for the days or even weeks around it so I won't get overwhelmed, so I'll have time to prepare before, to recover after. Which makes sense, but it's also something I want to change, because the end result is that I don't do all that much. Or miss out on something I really want to do because I'm already doing something else around that time, and I worry doing both will be too much to handle.
In the past couple months, I scheduled a whole bunch of things close together. Mostly because a bunch of things came up all at once that I really wanted to do. I could have skipped some of them and almost did, but I decided I wanted to see if I could get through it all (while still having a good time).
It was a complete success! I did all of the above without any serious anxiety attacks. There were of course moments of panic, but they were brief. For the most part, it was just excitement and happiness and fun. So much fun. They were all amazing experiences, and I am glad I didn't miss a single one of them.
Now it's starting to get colder (I think it may have even snowed a bit already), so I'm not feeling like going out as much. Although the dance performance was so amazing, I am thinking about seeing The Nutcracker ballet in December.
I've been considering moving this blog over to tumblr. I finally got into that website this year and have been spending a lot of time over there. It seems like it has more of an emetophobia community. Also, the formatting on this site has always driven me crazy. But I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do yet. I might just post my updates both places.
In the past couple months, I scheduled a whole bunch of things close together. Mostly because a bunch of things came up all at once that I really wanted to do. I could have skipped some of them and almost did, but I decided I wanted to see if I could get through it all (while still having a good time).
- 9/11-9/12: An author I love gave two different lectures in a nearby town. I attended both and even got up the nerve to introduce myself and small-talk with the author a little bit.
- 9/14: I went to a pride parade/festival in a city that is about a 2 hour drive away.
- 9/20: I checked out a smaller festival in my town (fall-themed).
- 9/27: I helped out with registration for an event at my old college.
- 10/4: One of my favorite musicians was performing in the same city where the pride parade was, so I couldn't miss that. I got to meet them too! They were hanging around before the show, talking to fans.
- 10/18: I went to see a dance performance in a nearby city.
It was a complete success! I did all of the above without any serious anxiety attacks. There were of course moments of panic, but they were brief. For the most part, it was just excitement and happiness and fun. So much fun. They were all amazing experiences, and I am glad I didn't miss a single one of them.
Now it's starting to get colder (I think it may have even snowed a bit already), so I'm not feeling like going out as much. Although the dance performance was so amazing, I am thinking about seeing The Nutcracker ballet in December.
I've been considering moving this blog over to tumblr. I finally got into that website this year and have been spending a lot of time over there. It seems like it has more of an emetophobia community. Also, the formatting on this site has always driven me crazy. But I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do yet. I might just post my updates both places.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
marriage, emetophobia style
The other day I woke up to this note on our dry erase board:
"FYI - there's a baggie of carrots for you in the fridge, ready to eat. I removed any w/ spots or that were 'funny looking.' I love you!! <3"
I seriously have the best wife ever. I am so lucky to have someone who understands this phobia so well and is willing to offer constant support.
"FYI - there's a baggie of carrots for you in the fridge, ready to eat. I removed any w/ spots or that were 'funny looking.' I love you!! <3"
I seriously have the best wife ever. I am so lucky to have someone who understands this phobia so well and is willing to offer constant support.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
shmexpired
I accidentally ate expired applesauce today, which I find especially hilarious considering the topic of my last post.
It was one of those little plastic cups, and I had only eaten about half of that when I noticed the old date. So it was basically two or three spoonfuls. But I went into a panic anyway, and I didn't handle it well at all. I was too fixated on the knowledge that an actual thing had happened to trigger this panic. That usually isn't the case. And it made me give way too much weight to it.
I kept thinking about how if something bad was going to happen because of this, there was nothing I could do about it now. I swallowed the food and it was gone, and I couldn't reach in and get it out again. That's a very obvious statement, but I was thinking "why? how is it possible that there isn't some way to take it back?" and it seemed bizarre and unfair that food would just disappear into me like I was a black hole but still be able to have whatever effect it was going to have on me.
I did some unhelpful googling (the people who post asking if it's okay that they just ate expired food never actually return to say what ended up happening) until I could get in touch with my wife at work. She gave me a long speech about how it was completely fine. I started crying from relief, which then turned into frustrated crying because seriously? I can't believe something so silly and small will be so disruptive to my day. This phobia makes me feel like an idiot. Or a child. In fact, I remember as a child freaking out on my family or baby-sitters and asking them to reassure me about food anxiety. And it's still happening.
I feel like I should know these things by now. I should have a better understanding of food in general. I think I have never bothered to learn the truth (or common sense) when it comes to some topics, food safety being one of them, because long ago I came to my own irrational conclusions and invented my own rules to keep myself safe. And these conclusions/rules aren't like normal facts that can change when confronted with contradictory evidence. If I didn't keep reminding myself, I feel pretty certain I would forget this ever happened within a couple years and it could happen again exactly the same as it did today. Because my mind wants to shove this out and go back to the simpler more ingrained rule of "any food past its expiration date will make you sick."
Not true, not true, not true. Must remember this.
It was one of those little plastic cups, and I had only eaten about half of that when I noticed the old date. So it was basically two or three spoonfuls. But I went into a panic anyway, and I didn't handle it well at all. I was too fixated on the knowledge that an actual thing had happened to trigger this panic. That usually isn't the case. And it made me give way too much weight to it.
I kept thinking about how if something bad was going to happen because of this, there was nothing I could do about it now. I swallowed the food and it was gone, and I couldn't reach in and get it out again. That's a very obvious statement, but I was thinking "why? how is it possible that there isn't some way to take it back?" and it seemed bizarre and unfair that food would just disappear into me like I was a black hole but still be able to have whatever effect it was going to have on me.
I did some unhelpful googling (the people who post asking if it's okay that they just ate expired food never actually return to say what ended up happening) until I could get in touch with my wife at work. She gave me a long speech about how it was completely fine. I started crying from relief, which then turned into frustrated crying because seriously? I can't believe something so silly and small will be so disruptive to my day. This phobia makes me feel like an idiot. Or a child. In fact, I remember as a child freaking out on my family or baby-sitters and asking them to reassure me about food anxiety. And it's still happening.
I feel like I should know these things by now. I should have a better understanding of food in general. I think I have never bothered to learn the truth (or common sense) when it comes to some topics, food safety being one of them, because long ago I came to my own irrational conclusions and invented my own rules to keep myself safe. And these conclusions/rules aren't like normal facts that can change when confronted with contradictory evidence. If I didn't keep reminding myself, I feel pretty certain I would forget this ever happened within a couple years and it could happen again exactly the same as it did today. Because my mind wants to shove this out and go back to the simpler more ingrained rule of "any food past its expiration date will make you sick."
Not true, not true, not true. Must remember this.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
examining food
I've been sick this whole month. I got some horrible cold or maybe even a (non-stomach) flu, I'm not sure. For the first two-ish weeks, I was utterly miserable. Now I just have a few mild symptoms left, but even they are annoying me to probably an irrational level. I'm just tired of this illness dragging on. I guess my immune system is not what it used to be, since 1) I'm getting older 2) I hardly ever get sick because I stay inside all the time - I think the last time was early 2012 and 3) I still haven't cemented the habits of eating healthy or exercising enough. I'm going to have to try harder, and the thought of that makes me want to groan the mother of all groans.
I basically don't do anything good for my body but then have these high expectations I hold it to, that it can't be sick or in pain or feel heavy or unpleasant in any way. I don't like my body or particularly want to be in touch with it, even though it would help me so much to be more in touch with it and break down some of that dislike.
Due to the lack of positivity I've got going on right now, I've been putting off writing here. But there. I'm done with my sickness-complaining. Moving on. To something I've been thinking about that is one of the main reasons I have such trouble with healthy eating.
I seem to constantly be finding flaws with my food. I suppose I can't say it's a bad habit to look at your food before you eat it. Because yes, there could actually be something wrong with it. That just makes sense to check it out first, make sure it looks okay.
But it probably should be a quick glance-over, and my technique is more in-depth extreme fearful scrutiny. No surprise that I usually end up finding something wrong, some detail that leads me to think maybe I shouldn't eat this thing. These frozen waffles don't feel frozen enough (I also decide they're too frozen sometimes). This soup can has weird residue in the crevices of the top. These hamburger buns have too much white on the bottoms - which yes, I know is flour and I will still pick it off just in case it's dangerous in some way. These pudding cups have a tiny bit of glue on the packaging (tiny bits of glue frequently prevent me from buying something). One corner of this box of cereal is a bit crumpled. This container of hummus has too much condensation on the inside of the lid.
I mean, there are a million examples, and for almost every single one of them, I logically know it's fine, but I either won't buy the food or won't eat it. Sometimes when I am preparing something to eat, I will get frustrated to the point of wanting to cry because I will find five or six different things "wrong" with it and have to keep making the decision to proceed, and it starts to feel exhausting.
And of course it's ten times worse when it comes to fruits/vegetables, because they will not look the same every time you eat them. I still expect them to, because I so desperately want them to. I want to be able to look at a fruit or vegetable and know yes, that is exactly the way it's supposed to look. This is a possibility when you're dealing with super processed homogeneous junk food, but it will pretty much never be the case for healthy food.
I buy a lot of raw fruits/vegetables. Every week. And every week I probably end up eating a third or less of what I bought. I ask my wife to pick everything out for me at the store, because I know if I looked at them, I wouldn't think any of them looked edible. But this doesn't really help, because later at home, when I go to eat one, I get to inspect it for myself. Almost every time, I get scared and end up throwing it away. Apples, peaches, nectarines, grapes, etc. will have spots/dents or soft spots or discolorations or be oddly shaped or the first bite won't taste the way I remember it tasting last time. Carrots will have parts that are slightly green or gray or black. Bananas will have black spots. Clementines will have some green on the peels. Berries will be a little smushed and wet because of that. Etc.
Every single one of these examples is, again, something perfectly normal and not indicative of danger. I know that, but part of me is still terrified that if I stop being overly cautious, one of these "strange" fruits/vegetables will make me sick.
So I don't know what to do about this. I think I'm just going to have to suck it up and start eating them anyway to prove to myself nothing bad will happen. I have done this occasionally already, and then I will worry for a few hours, and nothing will come of it. But that doesn't seem to result in less fear next time.
Maybe it would help if I kept an actual log of these instances, so I could refer back to it and see that on such and such date, I ate a clementine with some green on its peel, and all was well. It would also be a good reminder of various "flaws" I might run into, because I will stop eating a certain fruit for a while and then buy it again and tell my wife something like "this clementine is green. I have NEVER seen this before" and she will laugh at me.
Anxiety amnesia confuses me.
I basically don't do anything good for my body but then have these high expectations I hold it to, that it can't be sick or in pain or feel heavy or unpleasant in any way. I don't like my body or particularly want to be in touch with it, even though it would help me so much to be more in touch with it and break down some of that dislike.
Due to the lack of positivity I've got going on right now, I've been putting off writing here. But there. I'm done with my sickness-complaining. Moving on. To something I've been thinking about that is one of the main reasons I have such trouble with healthy eating.
I seem to constantly be finding flaws with my food. I suppose I can't say it's a bad habit to look at your food before you eat it. Because yes, there could actually be something wrong with it. That just makes sense to check it out first, make sure it looks okay.
But it probably should be a quick glance-over, and my technique is more in-depth extreme fearful scrutiny. No surprise that I usually end up finding something wrong, some detail that leads me to think maybe I shouldn't eat this thing. These frozen waffles don't feel frozen enough (I also decide they're too frozen sometimes). This soup can has weird residue in the crevices of the top. These hamburger buns have too much white on the bottoms - which yes, I know is flour and I will still pick it off just in case it's dangerous in some way. These pudding cups have a tiny bit of glue on the packaging (tiny bits of glue frequently prevent me from buying something). One corner of this box of cereal is a bit crumpled. This container of hummus has too much condensation on the inside of the lid.
I mean, there are a million examples, and for almost every single one of them, I logically know it's fine, but I either won't buy the food or won't eat it. Sometimes when I am preparing something to eat, I will get frustrated to the point of wanting to cry because I will find five or six different things "wrong" with it and have to keep making the decision to proceed, and it starts to feel exhausting.
And of course it's ten times worse when it comes to fruits/vegetables, because they will not look the same every time you eat them. I still expect them to, because I so desperately want them to. I want to be able to look at a fruit or vegetable and know yes, that is exactly the way it's supposed to look. This is a possibility when you're dealing with super processed homogeneous junk food, but it will pretty much never be the case for healthy food.
I buy a lot of raw fruits/vegetables. Every week. And every week I probably end up eating a third or less of what I bought. I ask my wife to pick everything out for me at the store, because I know if I looked at them, I wouldn't think any of them looked edible. But this doesn't really help, because later at home, when I go to eat one, I get to inspect it for myself. Almost every time, I get scared and end up throwing it away. Apples, peaches, nectarines, grapes, etc. will have spots/dents or soft spots or discolorations or be oddly shaped or the first bite won't taste the way I remember it tasting last time. Carrots will have parts that are slightly green or gray or black. Bananas will have black spots. Clementines will have some green on the peels. Berries will be a little smushed and wet because of that. Etc.
Every single one of these examples is, again, something perfectly normal and not indicative of danger. I know that, but part of me is still terrified that if I stop being overly cautious, one of these "strange" fruits/vegetables will make me sick.
So I don't know what to do about this. I think I'm just going to have to suck it up and start eating them anyway to prove to myself nothing bad will happen. I have done this occasionally already, and then I will worry for a few hours, and nothing will come of it. But that doesn't seem to result in less fear next time.
Maybe it would help if I kept an actual log of these instances, so I could refer back to it and see that on such and such date, I ate a clementine with some green on its peel, and all was well. It would also be a good reminder of various "flaws" I might run into, because I will stop eating a certain fruit for a while and then buy it again and tell my wife something like "this clementine is green. I have NEVER seen this before" and she will laugh at me.
Anxiety amnesia confuses me.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
work invades my comfort zone
It's been too long since I've written an actual post here. Sometimes I get intimidated by blogging and think I shouldn't bother unless I have something Really Important to say. Which just figures - feeling anxious about blogging about anxiety.
Things have been going pretty well lately. Today I spent hours hanging out in a nearby city (about a two hour drive from home) - walking, shopping, eating, shopping more - without any major anxiety incidents. I started feeling a little unwell towards the end, as I was heading back to the parking garage. But I knew it was dehydration. I am still having a problem with drinking enough when I am out places, especially when I am walking around outside, which unfortunately is when it is most important to do so. I guess it's a combination of 1) not wanting to have to use the restroom in case there isn't one around and 2) not wanting to use the ones that are around, because they are public and thus diseased in my mind. My same lifelong pattern of thinking it's better if I just "shut down" my body until I can be home and safe again.
Despite that, I feel today's outing was a success. And I've also been doing well with the more routine stuff - going out to restaurants, grocery shopping, going to the mall or other stores. I haven't been experiencing anything beyond the mild worry that I might have some kind of anxiety attack.
Since I'm getting more comfortable with these situations, I know it's time to push myself to do even more challenging things, but for the most part, I've been lazy about it. My wife and I want to take another trip to VA to see our families. It's something that has been on the back burner for a while. The last time we went was 2011, and it was difficult for me to handle the trip at the time. I know I would do better now. The only problem is that driving all that way is exhausting, so we are considering taking a train this time.
I don't believe I have been on public transportation since 2008, so pre-breakdown. I probably shouldn't think this way, dividing my life into "pre" and "post" breakdown, but every time something challenging comes up that I haven't done since before that period, I get scared I can't handle it as the "new" person I am now. It feels like that person from 2008 that was able to survive the anxiety of a long train ride was not actually me.
So my wife and I have been discussing taking a practice train ride somewhere closer to where we live (maybe 3 hours away) just to see how I do. Just to prove to myself nothing catastrophic will happen.
Which brings me to this past week, when I suddenly get an email from my boss saying the company wants me to travel to the office for a week for training on a new system (I work from home, but the actual office is in VA). They haven't decided exactly when they want me to come, but possibly as early as the last week of September.
So much for one step at a time! Plus this trip would be much more overwhelming than what I have been imagining. My wife probably won't be able to go with me. Since the company is paying, they will probably want me to fly. I will have to deal with rental cars and a hotel and seeing my family all on my own. I will have to go to work and socially interact with lots and lots of people, something I'm very rusty at. Basically, it's a terrifying scenario that I'm not at all convinced I have the strength to manage.
My current coping mechanism is to pretend it's not happening. And maybe it won't. They have wanted me to travel before and either changed their minds or asked someone else to go instead. So I suppose I shouldn't get all worked up over it until it's finalized.
This is what sucks about having anxiety issues but still being able to fly under the normal radar most of the time. I'm sure no one expected this to be a big deal for me. I mean, yes, my anxiety is always an issue at work because sometimes I'm afraid to make phone calls or to speak up in meetings, but that kind of stuff is manageable. I can be doing badly in those areas and still overall be doing a good job. But I can't flat out refuse to do something they ask me to do because of anxiety. It's not like I've requested any mental health accommodations at work (although this has made me wonder if I should have). Not to mention I just don't want to formally brand myself the problem employee, especially when I have a job that so rarely forces me into large-scale scary situations like this.
On top of potentially having to do this trip, I hate being reminded that this is who I am. I feel like my life is set up in such a way that I can pass for being mentally stable most of the time. Then something like this happens, and it's like 'oh, right.' Other people can casually hop on a plane and go somewhere for a week - or casually tell someone else to do it - and think nothing of it. Whereas my first thought is 'maybe I should quit right now so I don't have to do this.' In general, most people can deal with so much more than I can deal with. I pass for mentally stable because I live in a tiny box where going shopping without getting panicky is a great accomplishment.
I know this shouldn't actually make me think any less of how well I've been doing. I'm just frustrated because I was planning on working my way up to this trip, and I should have been working faster. Whether this ends up happening or not, I should be working faster and harder than I am. I don't know why I expect that life will always proceed according to my super-gradual exposure hierarchy.
Things have been going pretty well lately. Today I spent hours hanging out in a nearby city (about a two hour drive from home) - walking, shopping, eating, shopping more - without any major anxiety incidents. I started feeling a little unwell towards the end, as I was heading back to the parking garage. But I knew it was dehydration. I am still having a problem with drinking enough when I am out places, especially when I am walking around outside, which unfortunately is when it is most important to do so. I guess it's a combination of 1) not wanting to have to use the restroom in case there isn't one around and 2) not wanting to use the ones that are around, because they are public and thus diseased in my mind. My same lifelong pattern of thinking it's better if I just "shut down" my body until I can be home and safe again.
Despite that, I feel today's outing was a success. And I've also been doing well with the more routine stuff - going out to restaurants, grocery shopping, going to the mall or other stores. I haven't been experiencing anything beyond the mild worry that I might have some kind of anxiety attack.
Since I'm getting more comfortable with these situations, I know it's time to push myself to do even more challenging things, but for the most part, I've been lazy about it. My wife and I want to take another trip to VA to see our families. It's something that has been on the back burner for a while. The last time we went was 2011, and it was difficult for me to handle the trip at the time. I know I would do better now. The only problem is that driving all that way is exhausting, so we are considering taking a train this time.
I don't believe I have been on public transportation since 2008, so pre-breakdown. I probably shouldn't think this way, dividing my life into "pre" and "post" breakdown, but every time something challenging comes up that I haven't done since before that period, I get scared I can't handle it as the "new" person I am now. It feels like that person from 2008 that was able to survive the anxiety of a long train ride was not actually me.
So my wife and I have been discussing taking a practice train ride somewhere closer to where we live (maybe 3 hours away) just to see how I do. Just to prove to myself nothing catastrophic will happen.
Which brings me to this past week, when I suddenly get an email from my boss saying the company wants me to travel to the office for a week for training on a new system (I work from home, but the actual office is in VA). They haven't decided exactly when they want me to come, but possibly as early as the last week of September.
So much for one step at a time! Plus this trip would be much more overwhelming than what I have been imagining. My wife probably won't be able to go with me. Since the company is paying, they will probably want me to fly. I will have to deal with rental cars and a hotel and seeing my family all on my own. I will have to go to work and socially interact with lots and lots of people, something I'm very rusty at. Basically, it's a terrifying scenario that I'm not at all convinced I have the strength to manage.
My current coping mechanism is to pretend it's not happening. And maybe it won't. They have wanted me to travel before and either changed their minds or asked someone else to go instead. So I suppose I shouldn't get all worked up over it until it's finalized.
This is what sucks about having anxiety issues but still being able to fly under the normal radar most of the time. I'm sure no one expected this to be a big deal for me. I mean, yes, my anxiety is always an issue at work because sometimes I'm afraid to make phone calls or to speak up in meetings, but that kind of stuff is manageable. I can be doing badly in those areas and still overall be doing a good job. But I can't flat out refuse to do something they ask me to do because of anxiety. It's not like I've requested any mental health accommodations at work (although this has made me wonder if I should have). Not to mention I just don't want to formally brand myself the problem employee, especially when I have a job that so rarely forces me into large-scale scary situations like this.
On top of potentially having to do this trip, I hate being reminded that this is who I am. I feel like my life is set up in such a way that I can pass for being mentally stable most of the time. Then something like this happens, and it's like 'oh, right.' Other people can casually hop on a plane and go somewhere for a week - or casually tell someone else to do it - and think nothing of it. Whereas my first thought is 'maybe I should quit right now so I don't have to do this.' In general, most people can deal with so much more than I can deal with. I pass for mentally stable because I live in a tiny box where going shopping without getting panicky is a great accomplishment.
I know this shouldn't actually make me think any less of how well I've been doing. I'm just frustrated because I was planning on working my way up to this trip, and I should have been working faster. Whether this ends up happening or not, I should be working faster and harder than I am. I don't know why I expect that life will always proceed according to my super-gradual exposure hierarchy.
Friday, July 11, 2014
guided meditation / relaxation CD
This is my favorite guided meditation CD, and it's now available to buy online!
Quiet Moments - Music and Words for Relaxation
I listened to this so many times in the year or so after my "breakdown" that I'm pretty sure I know some of the tracks by heart. The body scan meditation and progressive muscle relaxation tracks are amazing.
Quiet Moments - Music and Words for Relaxation
I listened to this so many times in the year or so after my "breakdown" that I'm pretty sure I know some of the tracks by heart. The body scan meditation and progressive muscle relaxation tracks are amazing.
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