The sick relative that I went to visit at the end of May died earlier
this month. It was of course sad but not at all unexpected. She had been
sick for a very long time and was continuously getting worse, so at
least she is not suffering anymore.
I kind of had this idea that I
wouldn’t go back down to Virginia for the funeral, since I don’t share
the consensus that funerals provide closure. I had gone to visit her one
more time while she was alive, and that was what mattered. I dreaded
the thought of having to go through the anxiety of the trip again. But I
couldn’t stop thinking about my family, imagining them all going
through this awful process without me, and the more I thought about it,
the more I realized I didn’t actually find that version of the future
believable. It was a weird feeling, knowing I just had to be there. Even
though I was still going through my usual indecisive back-and-forth,
part of me knew there was only one option and that no matter what ended
up happening on the trip, I would be more miserable if I didn’t go.
Because I would no longer be the person I want to be (or the person I
am?).
So anyway, I went back down there for another long weekend.
And this time, I went alone; my wife wasn’t able to go with me. I took a
different flight route and went through two airports I had never been
to before. I stayed with my family, both to offer support to them and to
try to save money and avoid the hassle of a hotel (which was a terrible
mistake, and I forgot being around my family for extended periods of
time has a horrible effect on me, but whatever). I went to a
wake/viewing and funeral, something I had not done since I was 13
(before my intense fear of death developed). I socialized with a ton of
people, family and strangers (and family members I hadn’t seen in so
long they were essentially strangers). I hung around my young nephews
again. All of these things made me nervous and tense, but I didn’t have
any panic/anxiety attacks.
When I think back over the past few
months, I’m amazed. It doesn’t seem possible that all this has happened,
especially in such a short period of time. I am always trying to
motivate myself to create an exposure hierarchy and actually stick to
it, and I don’t do it - more out of laziness than the fear of it not
going well. But life stepped in and did it for me, even proceeding from
an easy step (slow-paced planned trip to New York City by train with my
wife) to a slightly harder one (fast-paced last minute trip by plane to
Virginia with my wife, staying in a hotel) to the most
difficult/stressful so far (fast-paced last minute trip by plane to
Virginia alone, staying with my family). Throughout all this, the trip I
have to take for work (which probably will be the most difficult of
all) has been repeatedly postponed and is currently scheduled for
mid-September. I definitely feel a lot more prepared for it and confident that I can handle at least some aspects of it, like the traveling.
And
it’s not even just that I “handled” all this. Some parts of it gave me
such a high. Particularly the last most challenging trip. I feel bad
saying that, given the circumstances of why I had to make the
trip, but getting on planes and rushing through airports alone trying to
find my gate tapped into this part of me I don’t usually acknowledge.
The part of me that wishes I was the complete opposite of who I am,
someone who exudes confidence and has everything together. It’s really
rare, but every once in a while I feel like I am that opposite-of-me
person for a little while, and I always, always love it.
It reminds me of this post I wrote a long time ago (see here)
about the idea that anxiety is actually a projection of, or in some way
related to, the feeling of excitement. I want so much to be able to
face any person, any situation, any challenge (and come away from each
encounter with the certainty that I succeeded completely) that it makes
everything more terrifying. It means so much to me, that fantasy -
an unrealistic and probably unhealthy fantasy, I guess - of being
perfect and extroverted and effortless and charming. I know I’m never
going to be that person, at least not to the extent I want to be,
because I can’t change my entire identity/personality. But it’s nice to
have those brief moments where I feel like I am coming across that way
to the people around me. And it’s also nice to view anxiety as, in some
way, an indicator of my dreams and goals and not just as the sick/defective
part of me.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Sunday, June 21, 2015
CYEAT: Chapters 13 & 14
I finished the Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive book.
Chapter 14 is a short “that’s the book, thanks for reading, keep
working, and tell your friends!” kind of chapter, so I decided to
combine these last two into one post.
Chapter 13 is amazing, because it sums up everything the book has covered, it breaks it down into sections and easy to follow outlines, and it drives home the key points you want to remember. It’s almost like you could skip the rest, just read this chapter, and you’d still be getting most of what you need. I mean that in the best possible way and am not trying to belittle the rest of the book. I think it’s helpful with a book like this - to not have to reread the entire thing later on when you start to forget. To be able to go back to one chapter and have this great summary that allows you to quickly recall everything.
There were definitely things about this book that annoyed me - the way the writing style sounded like an infomercial at times, how some sections seemed to over-explain (like the chapter on the difference between stress and anxiety) while others didn’t get the attention I thought they needed (I would have liked to have seen much more on battling the social anxiety component of this phobia, but I suppose you can always supplement with a book specifically about social phobia), and the author’s overconfidence in the methods and emphasis on “cure.” I get the sense that you could never say ‘this program didn’t cure me’ without hearing in response that it was because you didn’t fully understand some part of it or didn’t work hard enough or didn’t do one of the exercises enough times. I guess that’s something that applies to most self-help books though. It’s not an attitude that appeals to me, but maybe other people feel differently and think the author lacks credibility if they don’t have that die-hard belief that their methods (and only their methods) will always work in the end (and if not, the fault lies with you).
I am not cured. Again, I am not convinced this phobia can be fully cured. On the other hand, I certainly haven’t put the effort into this program that the author recommends (which includes at least 6-8 weeks of continuing to follow the program once you have finished the book, and then starting all over if you still aren’t cured), so the author could still say I haven’t done enough, and there is no way for me to prove it will never cure me, just as there’s no way for him to prove it will.
But I’m going to stop being hung up on that word “cure” now, and putting that aside, the book contains a lot of incredibly helpful information. It’s certainly the best emetophobia-related book out there (we don’t have many options at this point in time, but still), and overall I would say it’s worth reading and having in your possession as a reference.
It has made me think a lot (most of those thoughts have been documented here) and given me ideas on what more I can do to make my life better. I’m sure I will keep going back to it, re-working exercises, trying to internalize the more rational thought processes I know I should have. Practice always helps. And revisiting always helps, because even if you have heard about or read the same ideas a hundred times (such as how important it is to counter negative thoughts with positive ones), there is something about encountering those ideas again that is inspiring and motivating. That reminds you, ‘oh yeah, I haven’t been using affirmations and I really wanted to try that’ or ‘I know working through an exposure hierarchy would help me so much; I should start again and not give up on it this time.’ It’s easy to lose sight of all the many options you have for improving or changing things when you’re busy living your day to day life and reacting to the world based on your current instincts or coping mechanisms.
Chapter 13 is amazing, because it sums up everything the book has covered, it breaks it down into sections and easy to follow outlines, and it drives home the key points you want to remember. It’s almost like you could skip the rest, just read this chapter, and you’d still be getting most of what you need. I mean that in the best possible way and am not trying to belittle the rest of the book. I think it’s helpful with a book like this - to not have to reread the entire thing later on when you start to forget. To be able to go back to one chapter and have this great summary that allows you to quickly recall everything.
There were definitely things about this book that annoyed me - the way the writing style sounded like an infomercial at times, how some sections seemed to over-explain (like the chapter on the difference between stress and anxiety) while others didn’t get the attention I thought they needed (I would have liked to have seen much more on battling the social anxiety component of this phobia, but I suppose you can always supplement with a book specifically about social phobia), and the author’s overconfidence in the methods and emphasis on “cure.” I get the sense that you could never say ‘this program didn’t cure me’ without hearing in response that it was because you didn’t fully understand some part of it or didn’t work hard enough or didn’t do one of the exercises enough times. I guess that’s something that applies to most self-help books though. It’s not an attitude that appeals to me, but maybe other people feel differently and think the author lacks credibility if they don’t have that die-hard belief that their methods (and only their methods) will always work in the end (and if not, the fault lies with you).
I am not cured. Again, I am not convinced this phobia can be fully cured. On the other hand, I certainly haven’t put the effort into this program that the author recommends (which includes at least 6-8 weeks of continuing to follow the program once you have finished the book, and then starting all over if you still aren’t cured), so the author could still say I haven’t done enough, and there is no way for me to prove it will never cure me, just as there’s no way for him to prove it will.
But I’m going to stop being hung up on that word “cure” now, and putting that aside, the book contains a lot of incredibly helpful information. It’s certainly the best emetophobia-related book out there (we don’t have many options at this point in time, but still), and overall I would say it’s worth reading and having in your possession as a reference.
It has made me think a lot (most of those thoughts have been documented here) and given me ideas on what more I can do to make my life better. I’m sure I will keep going back to it, re-working exercises, trying to internalize the more rational thought processes I know I should have. Practice always helps. And revisiting always helps, because even if you have heard about or read the same ideas a hundred times (such as how important it is to counter negative thoughts with positive ones), there is something about encountering those ideas again that is inspiring and motivating. That reminds you, ‘oh yeah, I haven’t been using affirmations and I really wanted to try that’ or ‘I know working through an exposure hierarchy would help me so much; I should start again and not give up on it this time.’ It’s easy to lose sight of all the many options you have for improving or changing things when you’re busy living your day to day life and reacting to the world based on your current instincts or coping mechanisms.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
improvement
The trip to Virginia was a complete success! I seriously can’t
believe how well I handled it, especially with all the phobia “triggers”
it included:
I didn’t have any panic attacks or intense episodes of feeling “sick”. No feeling dizzy or crappy because I couldn’t eat. No having to cancel plans because of that. No inability to sleep. And not that much holding back from what I wanted/needed to do. I’m so glad that I went and was able to offer some support to my sick relative and the rest of my family.
Compare this to the way the trip went in 2011 (see post here), and I’m amazed at how much has changed in four years. And I wasn’t even aware of it! It’s so weird to have actual strong evidence that all the work I’ve put into getting better has actually gotten me somewhere. I have often felt like I’m not doing enough, but it has helped so much anyway. I think it helped just to make the commitment to learn to think a different way, because now, even when I lapse into old negative thought patterns, there is that sense that I am doing something wrong which leads to the motivation to get back on track.
It also helps that I take better care of myself physically now, specifically when it comes to eating habits. Trying to eat healthier, plus forcing myself as much as possible to eat regularly, on a normal schedule, has cut down on instances of feeling “sick” so much, and that of course means I don’t get anxious as frequently. Seriously. My stomach used to hurt all the time from going long periods of time without eating, and I just kept telling myself it was better and it was safer not to eat, that not eating had to lead to less stomach pain, or would ensure I was safe from getting sick even if I felt stomach pain. The reality is that it made me feel terrible, and then I wondered why I felt terrible all the time and experienced near constant anxiety because of it.
So I’m super pleased. If I can take trips without having some kind of meltdown, even when they are stressful or short or last-minute trips, that would be such an incredible improvement to my life. I want to be able to travel. My dream of eventually getting to Europe is seeming much more within my reach.
- Flying, which leads to worries about motion sickness (something I never have a problem with, but I always worry I will), other people getting motion sickness, and catching some illness from someone on the plane.
- Socializing frequently with people who may or may not be sick. I was only hanging out with my family, and they don’t know and/or understand and/or care about my phobia (we don’t really talk about anything emotional, so I am unsure who knows/understands what). So I could not rely on them to look out for me by warning me that they were sick or had been sick recently. It seemed like one of them might have a cold, so that was a little stressful, but nothing came of it. For all I know, it was allergies.
- Spending a lot of time in a hospital. I was mainly there to visit a relative who has cancer, so I was in the hospital with them for a few hours each day. I knew I couldn’t catch the diseases of the people around me, but I still felt “contaminated” by germs. Even hugging my sick relative felt unsafe, but I did it anyway. My parents tried to harass me into eating in the hospital cafeteria, but that was something I could not bring myself to do.
- Hanging out with my very young nephews, a one year old and a four year old. This probably stressed me out even more than the hospital. They were all over me, and the one year old even put his hand right on my lips as soon as I walked in the door. Plus they unpredictably cough on you, and every time they eat, I can’t stop thinking about how they don’t know the limits of what they can consume without being ill. On the other hand, they are so adorable and sweet, and I really had a great time with them. I hadn’t met the one year old yet, and I hadn’t seen the four year old since he was a baby, so he didn’t remember me and was excited to “meet” me and show me all his books.
- Spending long stretches of time away from my wife and my “safe space” (usually home, but in this case the hotel room). I would leave in the mornings and hang out with my family most of the day, not getting back to the hotel until the evening. I don’t spend that much time out in public by myself anymore (since I started working from home). Usually when I’m out somewhere for a whole day, my wife is with me.
- Eating while on vacation. This didn’t go quite as well as it did in New York City, because I avoided eating while around my family. But during the times it was just me and my wife, I was completely fine and able to eat normally. We bought a few safe snacks from a grocery store to keep in the hotel room just in case, but we didn’t even eat most of them. We mostly went out, and I got to have all the delicious food I have missed from my hometown that I hadn’t had in SIX YEARS, because when we went down there in 2011 I could barely eat anything.
I didn’t have any panic attacks or intense episodes of feeling “sick”. No feeling dizzy or crappy because I couldn’t eat. No having to cancel plans because of that. No inability to sleep. And not that much holding back from what I wanted/needed to do. I’m so glad that I went and was able to offer some support to my sick relative and the rest of my family.
Compare this to the way the trip went in 2011 (see post here), and I’m amazed at how much has changed in four years. And I wasn’t even aware of it! It’s so weird to have actual strong evidence that all the work I’ve put into getting better has actually gotten me somewhere. I have often felt like I’m not doing enough, but it has helped so much anyway. I think it helped just to make the commitment to learn to think a different way, because now, even when I lapse into old negative thought patterns, there is that sense that I am doing something wrong which leads to the motivation to get back on track.
It also helps that I take better care of myself physically now, specifically when it comes to eating habits. Trying to eat healthier, plus forcing myself as much as possible to eat regularly, on a normal schedule, has cut down on instances of feeling “sick” so much, and that of course means I don’t get anxious as frequently. Seriously. My stomach used to hurt all the time from going long periods of time without eating, and I just kept telling myself it was better and it was safer not to eat, that not eating had to lead to less stomach pain, or would ensure I was safe from getting sick even if I felt stomach pain. The reality is that it made me feel terrible, and then I wondered why I felt terrible all the time and experienced near constant anxiety because of it.
So I’m super pleased. If I can take trips without having some kind of meltdown, even when they are stressful or short or last-minute trips, that would be such an incredible improvement to my life. I want to be able to travel. My dream of eventually getting to Europe is seeming much more within my reach.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
more traveling
The trip for work got pushed back again. Now they are saying maybe it
will be a few weeks from now. It’s been at least a year since they first
brought it up. The other day I was trying to say that this trip would
be hanging over me the rest of my life, but I accidentally said “lives”
instead. And you know, I think that’s more accurate. I’ll be
reincarnated, some confused little kid thinking “I don’t even have a
job! Why do I have to go on a business trip?”
But now another situation has come up where one of my family members is in very poor health, so I am having to go down to Virginia anyway, this weekend, to see them. I mean, I don’t have to in this case. It’s my choice. But it still doesn’t really feel like it is, because even though I want to see them, I don’t want to make this trip and am dreading it so much. I want to stay home and have things be normal.
I just have to keep reminding myself it’s important and I can’t be selfish all the time.
Plus there is another bright side to this. The trip is going to follow the exact route I’ll have to take when I go on the work trip (if that one ever actually happens), and since this one is a short trip over a weekend my wife can go with me. So it’ll be like a practice run, which I think will be really helpful.
All signs pointing to this being the right thing to do. And yet it still feels like a horrible decision made by someone who isn’t me, and I want to crawl into a cave where no one will ever expect or need me to do anything ever again.
As usually happens, my brain has already started assaulting me with extra irrational thoughts. “Your hands will only really be clean if you wash them in THIS sink. The other one’s no good.” “If you wear mismatching clothes to bed, you’ll get sick.” Things that make no sense, just little things that I guess make me feel like I am in control. Or could be in control, I should say, because I’m doing my best to ignore these thoughts. But it’s strange how they suddenly appear and feel absolutely true even though I can see how insane they are.
I’m hoping I’ll feel better once we leave and I have to start going through the motions of getting through this. The anticipation is always the worst part. I’m so used to my safe routine and it feels surreal to even imagine doing something else. But in reality, it probably won’t be that strange.
I mean, the NYC trip went so much better than I thought it would. Maybe this will be totally fine. Sometimes I think I am stuck in this mentality of thinking my anxiety is still as bad as it was a few years ago. That’s obviously not true. I think back to things I said or wrote during that time period and can barely remember what it was like to feel that way. I guess that’s part of the worry - that things got so terrible so fast, and it was so unexpected, and I am still not even sure why it happened. Part of me wonders if something will set it off again, as unlikely as that seems.
At least this trip will give me plenty more opportunities to try out the CYEAT book’s special technique for fighting negative thoughts.
But now another situation has come up where one of my family members is in very poor health, so I am having to go down to Virginia anyway, this weekend, to see them. I mean, I don’t have to in this case. It’s my choice. But it still doesn’t really feel like it is, because even though I want to see them, I don’t want to make this trip and am dreading it so much. I want to stay home and have things be normal.
I just have to keep reminding myself it’s important and I can’t be selfish all the time.
Plus there is another bright side to this. The trip is going to follow the exact route I’ll have to take when I go on the work trip (if that one ever actually happens), and since this one is a short trip over a weekend my wife can go with me. So it’ll be like a practice run, which I think will be really helpful.
All signs pointing to this being the right thing to do. And yet it still feels like a horrible decision made by someone who isn’t me, and I want to crawl into a cave where no one will ever expect or need me to do anything ever again.
As usually happens, my brain has already started assaulting me with extra irrational thoughts. “Your hands will only really be clean if you wash them in THIS sink. The other one’s no good.” “If you wear mismatching clothes to bed, you’ll get sick.” Things that make no sense, just little things that I guess make me feel like I am in control. Or could be in control, I should say, because I’m doing my best to ignore these thoughts. But it’s strange how they suddenly appear and feel absolutely true even though I can see how insane they are.
I’m hoping I’ll feel better once we leave and I have to start going through the motions of getting through this. The anticipation is always the worst part. I’m so used to my safe routine and it feels surreal to even imagine doing something else. But in reality, it probably won’t be that strange.
I mean, the NYC trip went so much better than I thought it would. Maybe this will be totally fine. Sometimes I think I am stuck in this mentality of thinking my anxiety is still as bad as it was a few years ago. That’s obviously not true. I think back to things I said or wrote during that time period and can barely remember what it was like to feel that way. I guess that’s part of the worry - that things got so terrible so fast, and it was so unexpected, and I am still not even sure why it happened. Part of me wonders if something will set it off again, as unlikely as that seems.
At least this trip will give me plenty more opportunities to try out the CYEAT book’s special technique for fighting negative thoughts.
Monday, May 11, 2015
CYEAT: Chapter 12
Throughout this book, the author keeps dropping hints of a special
technique he developed that you’re going to learn later to help reduce
anxiety and change your negative thoughts. Well, in this chapter, that
special technique is finally revealed, and I’m not all that surprised it
was a bit of a let-down.
It’s not even that it’s not a good technique. It is just very similar to the anxiety-reducing advice you would get anywhere else, kind of a melding together of a few different common techniques (noticing and countering negative thoughts, positive visualization, self-esteem building).
The technique, I’m sure, could be helpful. It’s the trademarking and the weirdly intense hype that lead me into the mindset of ‘that’s it?’ Before finally telling you the technique, the author builds it up for several pages. I honestly feel like I am watching an infomercial at times. This will make your life substantially easier! Quick and simple! Anyone can learn it! You don’t need to believe it, just do it! Stop living a life that isn’t really the life you want! This may seem like other techniques you have used, but it is actually very unique!
It is a pretty short chapter, especially if you disregard the lengthy sales pitch. The exercise at the end is to keep a log of every time you can use this technique to combat an anxious or negative thought over the next week. If I’m wrong about the amazingness of this technique and it works much better in practice than it sounds, I’ll report back here.
One part of the technique is focused on detailed visualization of a positive outcome, and that is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Because I am great at envisioning everything that could go wrong, but I don’t put nearly enough effort into imagining something could go well. Or even adequately. And it has usually been the case that things don’t go quite as badly as I thought they would.
It’s not even that it’s not a good technique. It is just very similar to the anxiety-reducing advice you would get anywhere else, kind of a melding together of a few different common techniques (noticing and countering negative thoughts, positive visualization, self-esteem building).
The technique, I’m sure, could be helpful. It’s the trademarking and the weirdly intense hype that lead me into the mindset of ‘that’s it?’ Before finally telling you the technique, the author builds it up for several pages. I honestly feel like I am watching an infomercial at times. This will make your life substantially easier! Quick and simple! Anyone can learn it! You don’t need to believe it, just do it! Stop living a life that isn’t really the life you want! This may seem like other techniques you have used, but it is actually very unique!
It is a pretty short chapter, especially if you disregard the lengthy sales pitch. The exercise at the end is to keep a log of every time you can use this technique to combat an anxious or negative thought over the next week. If I’m wrong about the amazingness of this technique and it works much better in practice than it sounds, I’ll report back here.
One part of the technique is focused on detailed visualization of a positive outcome, and that is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Because I am great at envisioning everything that could go wrong, but I don’t put nearly enough effort into imagining something could go well. Or even adequately. And it has usually been the case that things don’t go quite as badly as I thought they would.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
trip postponed
My work trip got postponed again! I shouldn’t be surprised, because they
have been talking about this trip for about a year and keep pushing it
back, but I was fairly certain it would actually be happening this time
because the flights had already been booked.
At first I was incredibly annoyed, because I had gotten attached to the dates and had been planning non-stop and resigning myself to the fact that I would be doing this soon. I already went shopping and bought new professional clothes. I got my hair cut. I told my family I was coming. And then all of a sudden it was being called off. Now they are saying the trip might be in early June, but those sound like tentative dates, so basically I am back to knowing nothing. Which is frustrating.
At the same time, I’m now feeling so relieved I won’t be getting on a plane in a couple days. I was starting to have moments where I would be lying in bed in the morning, thinking “am I really going to be on my way to the airport one week from now?” and it didn’t feel real at all.
Anyway, it sounds like I have at least another month to prepare. Not that I can have any expectations, because hey, it’s much more fun for them to be unpredictable and wreak havoc with my stress levels. Maybe by Monday morning they’ll have decided it’s going to be next week.
But if nothing else changes, I’m sure I’ll be getting back to the CYEAT book in the meantime.
At first I was incredibly annoyed, because I had gotten attached to the dates and had been planning non-stop and resigning myself to the fact that I would be doing this soon. I already went shopping and bought new professional clothes. I got my hair cut. I told my family I was coming. And then all of a sudden it was being called off. Now they are saying the trip might be in early June, but those sound like tentative dates, so basically I am back to knowing nothing. Which is frustrating.
At the same time, I’m now feeling so relieved I won’t be getting on a plane in a couple days. I was starting to have moments where I would be lying in bed in the morning, thinking “am I really going to be on my way to the airport one week from now?” and it didn’t feel real at all.
Anyway, it sounds like I have at least another month to prepare. Not that I can have any expectations, because hey, it’s much more fun for them to be unpredictable and wreak havoc with my stress levels. Maybe by Monday morning they’ll have decided it’s going to be next week.
But if nothing else changes, I’m sure I’ll be getting back to the CYEAT book in the meantime.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
recap of NYC trip
I am home again - for the next week or so. First trip of the month
completed, and it went really well. It went so well it was shocking and a
little disorienting. Because one of the many downfalls of anxiety for
me is that when I expect to have horrible anxiety during something and I
don’t, it makes me feel strangely lost. I started feeling like I didn’t
know myself, and then I started thinking really irrational things like
“wait, do I even have anxiety problems? have I been exaggerating all
this time? were all those terrible things I went through over the past
few years lies?” And of course they weren’t - how could they have been?
That doesn’t make any sense. I wish my mind didn’t only think in
extremes.
The trip wasn’t perfect. I did experience some anxiety, but mostly in the realm of mentally obsessing over germs/contamination, which I see as better than intense emotional anxiety or physical symptoms like nausea. I was very aware all the time of the dirty things I was coming in contact with - cabs, public restrooms, train stations, etc. I’m used to feeling like my environment is very sanitized and I had to lower my standards and just try to get over the fact that I was not going to feel like things were clean enough for a week.
I had some trouble sleeping (thanks in large part to the hotel bed being incredibly uncomfortable). And there was one morning where I did feel really nauseous for a few hours and started to freak out. But I managed to calm myself down and decided I would relax in the hotel that morning instead of going out like I had planned. By the afternoon I felt fine again and we resumed our wandering through the city.
Not bad at all, considering what happened last time. I did not spend a night in the bathtub. I did not ever feel like I was going to legitimately lose my sanity.
But the biggest accomplishment is that I ate a normal amount for practically the entire trip. I don’t know if I have ever managed to do that before on a long trip like this. And that may be the main reason why the trip went so well, because when I don’t eat, it makes me feel terrible, and that makes my anxiety worse. Once that cycle starts, it’s hard to stop it.
All of this should probably make me feel more optimistic about the Virginia trip, but it doesn’t really. My stomach still feels like it’s dropping into my feet every time I think about it. I try to tell myself that since I was able to eat well in NYC, I should be able to do the same in Virginia, but then I think I can’t really compare the two. Virginia is going to be a lot more fast-paced and will involve tons of situations outside my comfort zone, and lots of social interaction, and I won’t feel as in control of any of it. I can’t exactly decide to take a morning off in the middle to regain my composure.
I talked to my boss about the social events, and she was really nice about it and said I could skip them if I felt like I couldn’t handle them, but she wanted me to be open to attempting to go to them, because it would be such a good opportunity to interact with everyone. So I guess I am going to try, at least for the first “welcome” event. I’m starting to wonder if it would just call more attention to me to skip them anyway. I don’t know. What’s more embarrassing, being noticeably absent from every social event, or going to them and being super nervous and maybe not being able to eat and having to come up with some excuse for why you’re not eating? I really can’t decide.
The trip wasn’t perfect. I did experience some anxiety, but mostly in the realm of mentally obsessing over germs/contamination, which I see as better than intense emotional anxiety or physical symptoms like nausea. I was very aware all the time of the dirty things I was coming in contact with - cabs, public restrooms, train stations, etc. I’m used to feeling like my environment is very sanitized and I had to lower my standards and just try to get over the fact that I was not going to feel like things were clean enough for a week.
I had some trouble sleeping (thanks in large part to the hotel bed being incredibly uncomfortable). And there was one morning where I did feel really nauseous for a few hours and started to freak out. But I managed to calm myself down and decided I would relax in the hotel that morning instead of going out like I had planned. By the afternoon I felt fine again and we resumed our wandering through the city.
Not bad at all, considering what happened last time. I did not spend a night in the bathtub. I did not ever feel like I was going to legitimately lose my sanity.
But the biggest accomplishment is that I ate a normal amount for practically the entire trip. I don’t know if I have ever managed to do that before on a long trip like this. And that may be the main reason why the trip went so well, because when I don’t eat, it makes me feel terrible, and that makes my anxiety worse. Once that cycle starts, it’s hard to stop it.
All of this should probably make me feel more optimistic about the Virginia trip, but it doesn’t really. My stomach still feels like it’s dropping into my feet every time I think about it. I try to tell myself that since I was able to eat well in NYC, I should be able to do the same in Virginia, but then I think I can’t really compare the two. Virginia is going to be a lot more fast-paced and will involve tons of situations outside my comfort zone, and lots of social interaction, and I won’t feel as in control of any of it. I can’t exactly decide to take a morning off in the middle to regain my composure.
I talked to my boss about the social events, and she was really nice about it and said I could skip them if I felt like I couldn’t handle them, but she wanted me to be open to attempting to go to them, because it would be such a good opportunity to interact with everyone. So I guess I am going to try, at least for the first “welcome” event. I’m starting to wonder if it would just call more attention to me to skip them anyway. I don’t know. What’s more embarrassing, being noticeably absent from every social event, or going to them and being super nervous and maybe not being able to eat and having to come up with some excuse for why you’re not eating? I really can’t decide.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)