two years

Today's the anniversary of my "breakdown." Actually, I guess it really started the night before with the first of the panic attacks, but this was the date where I was in the hospital all day, so I consider this to be The Infamous Day.

I never thought I would feel like myself again, but I do. I can now say I feel like my anxiety is under control, at least as much as it can be while still having a phobia. It's just exhilarating to know that. Two years ago I was such a mess, and I had never imagined that things could get that bad. And then I couldn't imagine that they would ever get this good again either.

In celebration of this, I'm posting the timeline of my improvement. This is pretty much how the last two years went:

September 10, 2010: I was in the hospital most of the day discussing my non-stop panic attacks with various people. Then they gave me Ativan, and I went home and took that immediately, and then one or two other times in the next few days.

September 11-19: I went to the doctor three times. The first time I was given Lexapro, which made me feel sick, so I only took it once. The second time I got my thyroid tested (problems with it can cause anxiety issues), and nothing was wrong with it. The third time I was given Cymbalta, and I only took that once too. It didn't make me feel sick, but it did have minor side effects that bothered me (like restless legs).

I missed a lot of work. I couldn't eat or drink much. Everything I ate made me feel nauseous; I was taking a lot of Zofran during this time. I couldn't sleep and basically spent every night in the living room, dozing with the TV on.

I started seeing a therapist and doing breathing exercises, and I listened to a guided meditation CD every day and tried to meditate as much as possible. It was not something I had done much in the past, but it helped immensely anyway. Just made me feel temporarily calmer.

September 26: I started working through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. I know I've talked about it a lot, but I'll say it again. It's an amazing book. It helped me so much.

October 5: I joined a gym and started exercising more to see if that would help. It does help, but I still have a hard time sticking with the habit, even now.

October 8: By this point I was doing word searches almost constantly, especially when I woke up in the middle of the night (which was almost every night). They really helped me calm down when I was anxious.

October 16: I wouldn't let myself watch anything (on TV or in movies), read anything, think about anything upsetting or anxiety-producing. I felt frustrated by having to hide from negativity, but now I think it was the right thing to do. It helped me get better faster, and obviously I no longer have to do it. But I still don't watch horror movies. I used to watch them all the time and now don't let myself, because they have too much of an effect on me.

October 20: I had gotten a little notebook and was writing out affirmations in it every day. I would pick one from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook and write it out five to ten times in a row, pausing in between to reflect on what it was saying and really try to believe it. I did this at least once a day, but more if I was really anxious. It was another activity that calmed me down.

December 4: I started noticing that PMS always made my anxiety issues much worse. I began reminding myself of this every month around that time so that I wouldn't take my thoughts and feelings so seriously.

February 3, 2011: I started doing yoga. I don't do it much anymore, but it was helpful and calming at the time. 

April 30: I printed out some of my favorite affirmations and would tape one to the wall above my desk so that I'd be reminded of it frequently throughout the day. Every so often, I'd switch to a new one. 

May 9: I was still seeing that my anxiety got significantly worse and hard to deal with during PMS, so I started taking 100mg of B6 daily (on top of a multivitamin) to help with that. It seemed to work wonders (after a couple months I think). I still take it. 

July 23 - 26: I started having bad panic attacks again. It felt like a repeat of the initial "breakdown" only to a much lesser degree. But again, it was extremely difficult to eat or drink for a few days, and I felt horrible all the time. I'm not sure what caused this relapse, but I got it under control much faster than I had the first time, mostly through forcing myself to eat as much as possible, which kept me somewhat stable. This gave me hope that I was moving in the right direction. 

August 29: I started taking a class at a college nearby. This forced me out of the house on a regular basis, forced me to interact with the world again, which was something I really needed. I had gotten pretty homebound. 

September 10: I tried hypnosis for the first (and only) time. I felt slightly better for a few days after it, but I have no idea if it was the hypnosis that caused this. Or the placebo effect. Or coincidence. 

November 22: I took a trip to see my family for Thanksgiving. This was very stressful and didn't go as well as I had hoped. Again, I had problems eating, drinking, and sleeping. I felt sick almost constantly. But I did manage to get through it without any medication (psychiatric or anti-emetic). I used affirmations that I had written out on index cards and the EmWave2 I had just gotten.

February 19, 2012: I did an online emetophobia study which started around this time. It involved a lot of CBT and exposure work that was helpful.

May 1: I stopped going to therapy, because I felt pretty confident that I knew what to do when I was anxious. Most of the time I could calm myself down by countering my negative thoughts and focusing on more positive ones.

That's about it. I've been doing really well this year. Basically, the Thanksgiving trip was the last "crisis" period I had, and I am sure that if I took that trip again this November, it would go a lot better.

Speaking of trips, I am taking a small one later this month. I won't even be leaving the state, but I will be staying in a hotel in another city. I'm excited. For the first time in a long time, I feel excited about a trip. I'm not dreading it! I think it's going to go really well and be loads of fun.

emetophobia survey

Friday night of a hectic week. Sounds like a good time for a survey, followed by a lot of lying around and not working for two days. I've seen this posted a few places - not sure where it came from originally.

1. Does your family know of your Emetophobia? I don't think so. To make a long story short, we have serious communication issues in my family.

2. Do your friends know of your Emetophobia? Yeah, probably all of them do. I'm pretty open about it.

3. Would you tell a stranger that you have Emetophobia? I guess it depends. I think the only strangers I have told are doctors / dentists so that 1) they would prescribe me anti-emetics 2) they wouldn't prescribe me anything with nausea or vomiting as a main side effect. It doesn't usually come up in normal conversation for me.

4. If you are currently in a relationship, how long did you wait to tell your partner? We were friends for a while before we started dating, so she already knew all about it.

5. Are you scared to have kids? Of course. But underneath all the fear, I don't think I want kids anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it. My life is pretty stress-free compared to the average person's life, and I have a hard time handling that tiny amount of stress. I can't imagine adding the stress of raising children to that. 

6. If you are a mom who suffers from Emetophobia, how do you deal with the struggles of your kids being sick? N/A, but I'm sure I wouldn't deal with it well at all. I feel panicked even when our cat throws up and usually run to hide in the next room.
 
7. What age did you discover that you had a problem? I was around 11 and found a website describing emetophobia. I can't remember if I was actively looking for an explanation. I had recently had some problems with missing a lot of school because of "feeling sick," so maybe.
 
8. What type of methods have you tried to reach recovery? I've never really believed I could get rid of the phobia completely, but to cope better, I have tried just about everything. Exposure therapy, talk therapy, CBT, ACT, affirmations, all the basic relaxation techniques (meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, visualization), yoga, mindfulness, and hypnosis. Most of this I still do, because I find it all helpful. The only thing I haven't given a fair chance is long-term medication. The side effects scare me too much, so both times I tried it, I stopped after the first dose. 
 
9. When was the last time you have thrown up and why? I was nine years old, and I'm pretty sure it was just a basic stomach virus.
 
10. When was the last time you saw someone else throw up? I'm not sure I remember. I've done a really good job of avoiding seeing it, even if all I could do was shut my eyes or turn my back on it. I feel like my last "direct experience" with it was December 2007 when I went into a stall in a communal bathroom in my college dorm building and then heard the girl in the stall right next to me start throwing up. I ran out right away.

11. What type of foods do you avoid? I don't think I avoid any food all the time, it's more situational. I avoid cooking any raw meat myself, because I don't trust myself to do it right, plus I don't want to deal with that kind of "contamination" stress. I hate trying anything new, so usually I make my wife try it first, and if she doesn't get violently ill from it (she never does), I might have some. I'm afraid of restaurants I've never been to before, so I try to stick with chains. Same for groceries - I have my safe "brands" and hate buying a different brand or the generic brand. When I know I have to go out somewhere, or when I am already in public, I try to go for simple / bland foods only like sandwiches or pasta. Oh, and I always avoid alcohol. The only alcohol I've had in my life was a tiny sip of champagne when I was really young (New Year's Eve).

now what?

I'm still doing really well when it comes to anxiety issues. I don't know why. Maybe it's the self-help books. Maybe it's the class I've been taking. Maybe hypnosis really is a miracle-worker.

Not that everything is perfect. I've still been feeling "sick" at times, and I've been unnecessarily taking my temperature a lot. But all of it just doesn't feel as bad as usual. It feels like the emetophobia of my college years, when I had things under control at least 80% of the time.

I'm not sure what to do with this period of calmness, because I keep thinking it's the perfect time to challenge myself - but how? Sometimes I think I've boxed myself in so much over the course of my entire life that I can't even see what's outside the box anymore.

hypnosis

I tried hypnosis for the first time yesterday.

I didn't really know what to expect. I was sure it wouldn't be like stage hypnosis or the way they show it in the movies where you relive your childhood and then don't remember anything that happened afterward, but other than that, I was at a loss. I wondered how aware I would be during it and if my state of mind would really be altered. I did some research online the night before and found no help there. There are so many different descriptions of the process and its supposed effects, so I guess it varies from office to office all over the country.

My own experience was very similar to guided meditation, except for an additional segment where the hypnotherapist gave affirmations / suggestions guiding me to feel the way I want to feel.

At the beginning of the session, we had a brief conversation about what I wanted the hypnosis to accomplish, because he said it works better when you have a specific outcome in mind. I think this is mostly about reframing your goal, turning it into something you want to happen (like "I want to exercise more") versus something you don't want to happen ("I don't want to be so lazy").

My goal was a pretty vague one of wanting to feel less anxiety, especially the emetophobic kind. But then I started talking about how all my anxiety issues seem to boil down to a fear of not having control. I want to control my body. I want to control the way I am thought about or perceived by other people. I want to control everything about my life in general - to make sure all my decisions have been and will continue to be the perfect ones, to become so self-aware and evolved that I will be able to know with certainty that I will never make a mistake and possibly go down a "wrong path" that will waste time. So my goal was reframed into "I want to feel more in control," and with that settled, the actual hypnosis began.

He started with a body scan meditation where I was asked to imagine a relaxing color slowly filling my entire body, starting from the toes and moving up. Then he asked me to imagine a remote control with an "Up" button on it that controlled my level of relaxation, so that each time I pushed the button, I would feel more relaxed. In the final relaxation exercise, he said he was going to count down and asked me to visualize each number as he said it and then imagine the number fading away. When he reached zero, that was the point of complete relaxation.

I never reached a state of complete relaxation, since I find it hard to ever be completely relaxed, especially outside my home. But I was more relaxed than I had imagined I would be at the beginning. I have been listening to guided meditation CDs regularly for a while now, and through practice, I've gotten to the point where it's easy for me to lose myself in them. I almost felt like I was at home, just listening to a recording.

After those three exercises, the hypnosis script began. He told me before he started that I should try to tune out what he was saying, if possible. I'm guessing this is because the suggestions are meant for your subconscious. Guided meditation CDs and meditation exercises in general tell you to focus on the words of the speaker, or focus on your breathing, an affirmation, or a mantra, to try to clear your mind of all other thoughts and distractions. This is something I find extremely difficult to do. Having to tune out words, on the other hand, was not a problem. I caught parts of what he was saying, enough to piece together the general message he was giving me, but I didn't hear all of it. I was reciting lyrics and poems to myself or letting my thoughts wander to certain memories that easily hold my attention.

He said that I was in control and that I would feel more in control from that point on. He also talked about bodily sensations, how they were mostly harmless, and how they should be viewed as a message from my body (for example, the feeling of hunger being a message to eat something). That's all I remember.

I haven't noticed a significant decrease in my anxiety, but it has only been a day. I'll write about it again in a week or so and give an update. In any case, I just wanted to share the experience and say that if nothing else, hypnosis is relaxing in the moment and doesn't lead to vulnerability, lack of awareness, or embarrassing / uncontrollable behavior. It's worth a try, if you're thinking about it.