reduce anxiety, save the planet!

One of my new year’s resolutions was to be more environmentally friendly. It is kind of a three-part resolution actually, but it all ties together: 1) I am systematically working my way through my apartment, donating or throwing out objects I never use or don’t need (generating trash is not environmentally friendly, but this stuff I never touch is essentially trash anyway – just sitting in my home instead of at the dump); 2) I am buying less new stuff, making sure to only buy what I need, and to buy digital if at all possible – with the double positive result of less junk filling up the apartment (which helps me) and less consumerism (which helps the environment); 3) I am taking whatever other steps I can to reduce my impact on the environment. For example, I finally bought reusable tote bags for shopping, and I have been attempting to reduce the amount of junk mail I get by contacting the places sending the junk mail and asking them to stop (I’m not convinced I’m succeeding yet, but I’m new to the process).

All this has led to me realizing how many of my environmentally harmful habits are related to my anxiety issues:

• Excessive water usage. I am fanatical about avoiding or killing germs, so I take longer showers than I need to. They are probably around 20 minutes, and I’d like to get them below 10 minutes at least. Even worse, I wash my hands way more frequently than is necessary. I got out of bed about 3 hours ago and have already washed them 7 times, and it’s not like I was doing dirty manual labor, intensive messy cooking, or anything apart from my ordinary Sunday morning routine of eating, hanging out, online browsing, writing. I honestly didn’t even bother adding “wash hands less” to my list of mini-goals, because I don’t think I’m ready for that one yet. I already think a lot about ways I can rearrange what I’m doing to cut out one or two of the hand-washes, but beyond that I don’t see how I can stop washing them when I feel it’s absolutely needed – which, due to emetophobia, is unfortunately pretty often. It is my intention to tackle shorter showers though.
  
• Excessive paper towel usage. This is related to the water usage, because once I’ve washed my hands for the purpose of preparing/touching food I’m going to eat, it feels like the only way they remain perfectly clean is if I dry them with a disposable paper towel (as opposed to a reusable dish towel).
  
• Drinking bottled water. Tap water scares me, even though I know that makes no sense – especially because I will have it if I go out to a restaurant, but I’m never willing to drink it at home. There was a brief period of time (a few months, maybe) I tried using a water filter, the kind that attaches directly to the faucet, but then it broke. Other than that, it’s been bottled water for about a decade straight. Which is so horrible for the environment, and that one is definitely on my list to change this year. I think I’m going to try one of those water filter pitchers instead of the faucet type.
  
• Using disposable bowls and silverware. I loathe doing dishes because I never feel like I am getting the dishes clean enough which leads to spending a frustrating amount of soap, water, paper towels, and time on each one – I will spend at least five minutes agonizing over a bowl that might take someone else a minute to wash. Plus sponges disturb me as much as reusable dish towels. And I am extremely neurotic about my skin coming in contact with ‘food residue’. I don’t know for sure if this is related to emetophobia, but I feel like it must be. This ‘food residue’ anxiety also leads to more hand-washing, because even if a food I ate is not particularly messy/crumby, I can’t stand the thought that the food is still on my hands. If I ate a sandwich and I can smell bread on my fingers, that drives me crazy. I don’t think other people even notice this. Anyway, that is another of my goals for this year – get back to using real cookware.
  
• Wasting food. I’ve talked about this one before. I have serious food anxiety and if my food looks weird to me, my impulse is to toss it. This mostly applies to fruits and vegetables, because they don’t have one consistent way they “should” look (as opposed to pre-packaged food that will tend to look exactly the same every time you eat it), but it can apply to anything – if I open a container of sour cream, and it’s especially watery, that might freak me out enough to throw it away. And I don’t have consistent rules about what is unacceptable; it depends on the day, on my anxiety levels at that particular time. So how quickly I give up on a food and what I consider to be unsafe can vary. When it comes to three different apples with basically the same blemish, on one day I might think ‘okay, that’s fine, I know it’s still edible’; on another, I’ll think ‘I’ll cut that part off, but the rest will be fine’; on another day, I will feel like I can’t deal with it at all and throw it away. Another way I waste food is by taking food offered to me in public – at work gatherings, family picnics, etc. – that I know I am not going to eat, just so I don’t call attention to myself, and then throwing most or all of it away. I think I’ve already improved in both of these areas and want to continue to do so. I try to force myself whenever possible to eat the ‘weird-looking’ food, and nothing bad has happened to me. And there have been social occasions in the past year where I’ve simply refused food; yes, it’s awkward, but not the end of the world.
  
• Wasting resources in general. There are some things I just replace on a regular basis rather than clean, because they seem so gross and germy to me – like bathroom mats and toilet seat covers. I also have (germ-related) anxiety about buying used objects, whether online or in thrift stores or at garage sales, or even accepting something a friend is getting rid of and wants to know if we need. Since I’m trying to consume fewer resources, both of these will have to change. It’s better to keep using something that already exists in the world than contribute to creating more demand for brand new items.

I always find it really interesting to see all the links that can exist between anxiety and something that at first seems completely unrelated to it. Working on my anxiety – in particular, trying to cut down on irrational anxiety-related behaviors – will not only impact my personal happiness and ability to function, but could actually help the world. And vice versa – trying to help the world can (hopefully) force me to become more comfortable with situations that currently make me anxious. That’s awesome and extremely motivating – for both goals!

walking goals

Happy 2015 everyone!

Last year I made a resolution to walk 5000 steps a day. Since I work from home and don't like going out all that much, I was averaging barely 1000 steps. Definitely not healthy.

I never do well with exercise goals, but I found it really easy to stick with this one after I bought a pedometer. Those things are amazing. I don't know why, but being able to track by number of steps rather than time is so much more motivating. I bought this Omron one and love it. You probably know the Fitbit is the more popular brand because you can sync up to your computer to track your progress or to other people to form groups, challenge your friends, compete and such. (Also Fitbits are much smaller and more aesthetically appealing.) I got mine before the Fitbit craze and I'm not too interested in making my exercise social at this point in time, so I'm sticking with the Omron for now. It tracks total steps, aerobic steps, miles, calories burned. I rarely look at anything except the total steps - I clip it to my pants, wear it until I hit my step goal, then take it off.

I knew I wanted to work my way up to 10000 steps a day, and I thought it would be easier to do if I added 1000 steps to my goal every month. In September I bumped my goal up to 6000, in October to 7000, etc. and started out 2015 at 10000 steps a day. So that's my main resolution for this year, to stick with that goal.

I think all this walking and trying to eat healthier has decreased my anxiety. 2014 was an awesome year. I pushed my boundaries - going to concerts, festivals, etc. - and I still experienced some anxiety during most of these events, but I had a great time overall.

I did end up seeing The Nutcracker last month, and that was wonderful too. Even though I felt mildly "sick" during most of it. I just took deep breaths and tried to ignore it, which is usually easy for me to do these days. I keep telling myself it's not real illness, even if a part of me doubts it. Then intermission comes - the lights turn back on, everyone starts moving around, I know I could leave if I wanted, I'm able to talk and laugh with my wife for a few minutes, and all of this instantly makes me feel better. Because it is only anxiety.

blah

I haven't had that much emetophobic anxiety lately. I even went out to dinner recently and ate until I was overly full and didn't feel the slightest bit worried about it. I can't remember the last time that happened. So there's the good news.

But I've been having tons of anxiety about my health in general. I keep noticing little aches and pains and feeling like there is something wrong with me. Plus I feel low-energy. All of this could, of course, be caused by anxiety and anxiety alone. But how can I know for sure? I can't. I can't know anything for sure, and my refusal to accept this is basically the root of all my problems.

My only option really is to start up an anxiety-fighting regimen again to see if that makes me feel any better physically. I think the main area I need to focus on is exercise. But I also bought a CD player for the bedroom so that I can listen to guided meditation CDs in there, away from distractions (naughty cat, TV, noisy air conditioner).

And I'm trying to work up the courage to make a doctor's appointment. This was one of my New Year's resolutions, to get a check-up this summer, and now it's summer, but I've yet to make the appointment. It'd be nice to be officially told there is nothing wrong with me, and then I'll have that as ammunition against all these irrational thoughts.

happy new year

Happy New Year! I hope 2012 is a great year for everyone. I feel optimistic that it's going to be a better year for me. 2010 was a crazy hurricane / whirlwind of anxiety. 2011 had its intensely bad moments too, but it was better than 2010, so I seem to be heading in the right direction. Also, I am determined to get it together this year and actually do the work I need to do (like eating healthier, doing CBT, etc.). I had to go back to my long list of New Year's resolutions and revise it into a plan that I think is realistically achievable. This is something I've never done before. For some reason, letting go of the idea of "perfection all at once" tends to fill me with a squirmy reluctance to try anything at all. But that reluctant feeling wasn't as strong this year. More evidence of progress!

So the last book I ended up reading in 2011 was Living with Emetophobia by Nicolette Heaton-Harris. I bought it months ago, maybe around September, but I have been putting off reading it, because I had heard that it was mostly a long description of emetophobia, and I had a feeling it would only end up upsetting me or triggering me in some way. I figured it would not be helpful at all but might add more irrational thoughts or behaviors to my list. A few times, reflecting on that, I thought about never reading it. But since it is pretty much the only book on emetophobia out there, and I am writing about the same topic on a regular basis, I had to check it out.

All the reviews I heard were correct. The book mostly explained emetophobia in depth, all the different thoughts or behaviors an emetophobic person might have. I could relate to most of it. Some of it made no sense to me. (Am I the only emetophobe that doesn't feel compelled to look at someone who may be getting sick? When I see a car parked on the side of the road, I shut my eyes or look away and feel no urge to witness what I fear might be happening.) In addition to the explanations and personal stories, there were about four pages of advice on how to cope, including nothing more advanced than deep breathing, distracting yourself, and taking small risks whenever possible to try to expand your comfort zone.

But as bad as I felt it was objectively, I am hesitant to really criticize it, because it exists, at least. It's something that takes emetophobia out of just the Internet world, and I have to think it has had some positive impact in giving the problem more weight / attention. Also, if what an emetophobic is looking for is validation of their issue and the knowledge that they are not alone, the book does provide that.

Unfortunately, I'm way past that. Thanks to the Internet, I've known for years what the name of my issue was, and I've read stories from and talked to many people who are also dealing with it, and I'm betting that's the case for most of the emetophobes of my generation. It's not enough anymore. I'm not looking for someone to swap horror stories with. In fact, I generally feel like it might not be a good idea for me to ever meet another emetophobe in person. The idea of emetophobia support groups all over the country raises some doubts in my mind. Would we not just feed off each other? If half of us in the meeting felt nauseous from anxiety at being at the meeting, and the other half found out about it, wouldn't we all just be scared one of us might be legitimately sick? I don't know.

My real issue with the book is that I felt a little damaged and hopeless after reading it, and that feeling stayed with me all night. I rang in the New Year with a vague feeling of sadness at knowing that this phobia touches every part of my life and that there is no cure for it. I don't think the author meant to leave the reader with that impression, at all. But I feel like she spent 95% of the book talking about all the ways emetophobia manifests in a person's life and then ended the book with the message that it could be contained but not cured. It's hard not to focus on the bad parts of that instead of on the ray of hope that is "containment."

This morning, though, post-sleep, I felt better and able to see it all in a more positive light. Containment may be settling, but that doesn't mean it dooms me to a life of unhappiness. Everyone is settling for something in their life. Like someone might have a bad ankle because of an injury when they were young. Of course it would be better if they didn't have to deal with that, but they do, and they work around it. I know from experience exactly how contained emetophobia can be. In college, it was there, but I rarely felt upset about it. I wasn't doing anything special to contain it. It was just out of luck, I guess, or maybe because I had so much going on (schoolwork, friends, events) to distract me from it.

So that's my hope for 2012, that I can get my phobia as contained as possible. With the knowledge about managing anxiety that I have now, I should be able to reach a level of containment even better than the one from college.

And if I want to be wildly optimistic, I have heard of some emetophobes who have been able to cure themselves. Plus with more research into it, maybe a cure that works for everyone will be discovered / developed. It's possible.

new year's resolutions

I know I'm overshooting here (and yet still falling short of what I actually want to be doing), but these are my health-related goals for the new year:

1) Eat four servings of fruit / vegetables a day.

2) Do yoga twice a week.

3) Exercise three days a week.

4) Get check-up / physical.

5) Limit taking temperature to once a month.

6) Limit taking anti-nausea meds or anti-emetics to once a week (except for Tums).

7) Limit asking my wife if I am sick to once a day.

8) Meditate or work with affirmations or deep breathing once a week.

9) Do actual written CBT work once a week.

10) Do something outside the house that makes me anxious at least twice a month.

caffeine free

One of the first decisions I made after my "breakdown" last year was to give up caffeine. Most books / websites talking about anxiety disorders will advise against it. Pretty common sense - we're stimulated enough, why add to that? I know chocolate has some, and I still eat that, so I'm not super strict about it. But I stopped drinking (caffeinated) coffee and Mt. Dew, both of which I love love love. Mt. Dew especially has always been the only soda I enjoy and one of my favorite drinks in general. The loss of the coffee didn't pose much of a problem, since you can find decaf everywhere you go. Apparently there is also a caffeine free version of Mt. Dew, but I never see it being sold anywhere. At some point I may order it online. I probably should wait a little bit longer so that I can be absolutely certain I've forgotten the amazing taste of the original.

It has always been pretty easy for me to give up things. I don't have much trouble subtracting the bad. It's when I need to add something (like doing yoga, which I've been neglecting yet again) that I find myself unable to succeed (so far). But still, the fact that it's been a year and I still crave Mt. Dew makes me proud of myself for not caving. I'm considering it a success.

Speaking of goals, I've already started coming up with New Year's resolutions. This is probably obvious from this blog, but I'm a little obsessed with self-improvement, so I always get really excited around the New Year and have these grand ideas of changing myself into a completely different person. I overshoot every time, so I'm trying to at least make each goal realistic this year, but the list will still be long I'm sure.