One of the premises of this book is that there are three main issues
underlying emetophobia (and most other mental health problems): an
external locus of control, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. Chapter 3
focused on locus of control, and this chapter focuses on the
self-esteem component.
The chapter starts with a quiz to
determine your level of self-esteem (a list of statements for you to
agree or disagree with), and I scored super low - 10%. I can't say I'm
surprised based on the statements they provided. One of the statements
is "I find it really hard to ask someone out on a date" and I find it
hard to believe anyone would disagree with that. That's a difficult
thing to do.
I have been conflicted about this topic for most of
my life, because I think I am very arrogant in some areas of my life, or
at certain moments. Some of the thoughts that pop into my head make me
think I can't possibly have low self-esteem. But I've been giving it a
lot of thought over the past year or so and have come to the conclusion
that most of this "arrogance" is a defensive act. I have developed a
habit of acting superior and putting other people down (thinking I have
better taste in literature than anyone else, or I'm more intelligent,
etc.) because I feel so ridiculously inadequate. Which is a despicable
personality trait to have and something I want to change, because
there's no excuse for thinking or acting like you're above other people.
But yeah, that's what it is. It really started hitting me when I
noticed that any time I am out in public and feel nervous, I'll start
trying to look incredibly bored and over everything and everyone around
me. I feel like if I can convince the world it's unimportant and beneath
me, I'll be fine and it can't have any negative effect on me.
Also,
a person's self-esteem can fluctuate, and this chapter does an amazing
job of explaining that. First of all, people with an external locus of
control are going to be strongly influenced by whatever situation they
are in currently. If they are doing well on a project for work, high
self-esteem. If a minute later, their boss comes in and criticizes them,
self-esteem plummets just like that and they can't remember why they
were ever feeling good about themselves.
Self-esteem can change
very quickly. It just depends on what you are focusing on in your life.
If you're focusing on all the things you don't think you have done well,
it's going to be low. But if you make an effort to focus more on what
you've done well lately, it will be high. The main exercise for the
chapter is to list anything you've done lately that makes you feel good
about yourself and carry that list around with you. Anything, even if it
seems small (paying a bill or buying a present for a family member).
Review it frequently. Add new things and bump old ones off the list.
Focus more on what you are doing well than the mistakes you think you've
made. It will make you think more highly of yourself, which leads to
having more confidence, taking more chances, doing more things well.
For
some reason, the author includes an Amazon website testimonial from
someone helped by this self-esteem exercise at the end of the chapter.
This was the only part that turned me off and made me feel (again)
suspicious of the motives here. I feel sometimes like this book is
trying harder to convince you it can help you than actually helping you.
I already bought it, why does it seem like it's still being marketed to
me?
But still, it's raised a lot of good points and included
some really good advice so far. I'll keep trying to overlook the blatant
posturing.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
CYEAT: Chapter 3
Definitely the most interesting chapter so far. It talks about locus of
control, how you can have an internal locus of control or an external
locus of control.
People with an internal locus of control basically believe they have more control over their lives, the ability to influence events, a positive attitude. They think they have the skills to handle whatever comes. In the face of circumstances that can't be controlled (such as a loved one dying), they believe they are able to deal with the challenge or trauma and are more resilient as a result.
People with an external locus of control are the opposite. They are more negative and believe that what happens in their life depends on external factors (fate, luck, gods, or other "powerful"/authority figures controlling what happens to them) instead of what they themselves do. They tend to be more submissive and helpless. When something beyond their control happens, they don't believe they can handle it.
The author claims all people with emetophobia have an external locus of control. We also have a high desire for control, and when you combine the two, you end up with a ton of anxiety (because you are always feeling powerless and ill-equipped to deal with anything) and constant attempts to control everything you can, even the most insignificant things.
Which of course describes me perfectly. The quiz earlier in the book was to determine if you had an internal or external locus of control, and when I went back and reviewed my answers, I scored a 20 which apparently is an extreme external locus of control.
The main way I try to stay in control is by avoiding anything that I think might put me at risk - going on long trips or public transportation, taking medication, drinking alcohol, eating foods that seem risky, etc. - but there are other more active controlling behaviors too that I don't think about as much. I wash my hands excessively. I ask people questions constantly - ask them to reassure me about things I'm worried about, confirm I'm remembering facts correctly, make my decisions for me (from the insignificant to the huge and life-changing). I have certain numbers I feel are lucky or unlucky. I frequently use the website random.org to make my decisions for me.
In fact, this reminds me of a conversation I had the other day where I was saying that I would rather use a computer to generate an answer than flip a coin. Flipping a coin doesn't feel random enough to me, because I am holding/tossing the coin and thus it feels like I could somehow influence the outcome. And I want NO responsibility for the outcome, because I feel like I would make the wrong decision, whether consciously or subconsciously. (Of course I am still pushing the button to generate the computer's answer, and if I pushed the button a second earlier or later, I would get a different answer. Thinking about this drives me crazy.)
One of the exercises in the chapter was to go back to your quiz answers and identify your external beliefs, then choose 5 that seem the easiest to change, and work on changing them. For example, one of mine is that the number 23 is unlucky, and I could work on telling myself that's not true and making sure I don't avoid that number.
But as much as I agree with this concept and the idea of changing external beliefs and working on thinking in a more 'internal locus of control' way, I felt like some of the "external beliefs" from the quiz shouldn't be changed. So I was a little conflicted at this section. For example, one of the external beliefs was "I believe that you cannot make someone fall in love with you - if it is right it will happen." Do I really want to change that belief? What's the alternative - believing that you can convince people to fall in love with you? I suppose that may be true to an extent, but besides it being weird and manipulative, I don't see the point.
Still, in general it's good advice. Try to think of ways you tell yourself you don't or can't control something. Figure out what factors you think are controlling your life ("this day is ruined because of the rain" or "I can't change because my parents made me this way") and reframe your thoughts to put yourself in control again.
People with an internal locus of control basically believe they have more control over their lives, the ability to influence events, a positive attitude. They think they have the skills to handle whatever comes. In the face of circumstances that can't be controlled (such as a loved one dying), they believe they are able to deal with the challenge or trauma and are more resilient as a result.
People with an external locus of control are the opposite. They are more negative and believe that what happens in their life depends on external factors (fate, luck, gods, or other "powerful"/authority figures controlling what happens to them) instead of what they themselves do. They tend to be more submissive and helpless. When something beyond their control happens, they don't believe they can handle it.
The author claims all people with emetophobia have an external locus of control. We also have a high desire for control, and when you combine the two, you end up with a ton of anxiety (because you are always feeling powerless and ill-equipped to deal with anything) and constant attempts to control everything you can, even the most insignificant things.
Which of course describes me perfectly. The quiz earlier in the book was to determine if you had an internal or external locus of control, and when I went back and reviewed my answers, I scored a 20 which apparently is an extreme external locus of control.
The main way I try to stay in control is by avoiding anything that I think might put me at risk - going on long trips or public transportation, taking medication, drinking alcohol, eating foods that seem risky, etc. - but there are other more active controlling behaviors too that I don't think about as much. I wash my hands excessively. I ask people questions constantly - ask them to reassure me about things I'm worried about, confirm I'm remembering facts correctly, make my decisions for me (from the insignificant to the huge and life-changing). I have certain numbers I feel are lucky or unlucky. I frequently use the website random.org to make my decisions for me.
In fact, this reminds me of a conversation I had the other day where I was saying that I would rather use a computer to generate an answer than flip a coin. Flipping a coin doesn't feel random enough to me, because I am holding/tossing the coin and thus it feels like I could somehow influence the outcome. And I want NO responsibility for the outcome, because I feel like I would make the wrong decision, whether consciously or subconsciously. (Of course I am still pushing the button to generate the computer's answer, and if I pushed the button a second earlier or later, I would get a different answer. Thinking about this drives me crazy.)
One of the exercises in the chapter was to go back to your quiz answers and identify your external beliefs, then choose 5 that seem the easiest to change, and work on changing them. For example, one of mine is that the number 23 is unlucky, and I could work on telling myself that's not true and making sure I don't avoid that number.
But as much as I agree with this concept and the idea of changing external beliefs and working on thinking in a more 'internal locus of control' way, I felt like some of the "external beliefs" from the quiz shouldn't be changed. So I was a little conflicted at this section. For example, one of the external beliefs was "I believe that you cannot make someone fall in love with you - if it is right it will happen." Do I really want to change that belief? What's the alternative - believing that you can convince people to fall in love with you? I suppose that may be true to an extent, but besides it being weird and manipulative, I don't see the point.
Still, in general it's good advice. Try to think of ways you tell yourself you don't or can't control something. Figure out what factors you think are controlling your life ("this day is ruined because of the rain" or "I can't change because my parents made me this way") and reframe your thoughts to put yourself in control again.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
CYEAT: Chapter 2
Chapter 2 focuses on cognition and how the way you think affects your
mood, your anxiety, your outlook on life (similar to chapter 1’s belief
systems affecting your perception). It also goes into visualization,
which I always find interesting.
The author talks about Coué's Law of Reversed Effort, which says (I'm paraphrasing) that when you want one thing to happen, but you are imagining or worrying about a different outcome, what you imagine will have a stronger effect than what you want. You can make it more likely something will happen by imagining/visualizing it.
Of course, that’s not always going to be true. If you want to have a safe flight and are worrying the plane will crash, you won’t make it crash. If you are worrying you will vomit, it’s very unlikely you will make yourself vomit. But you can make yourself feel “nauseous” and convinced you’re going to vomit by worrying you’re going to vomit, or even by worrying you’re going to feel nauseous.
Another example the author gives is losing a sports game because you’re imagining how awful it would be to lose, which then makes you anxious and causes you to lose your focus. Basically, your thoughts, your belief systems, your imagination, all of it, can influence your feelings and anxiety level, and that can have an effect on your behavior too.
To counteract this, it’s best to 1) tell yourself positive things and 2) visualize what you want to happen instead of what you fear might happen. Seems pretty common sense, right? Putting happy thoughts/images in your head can only have good results.
It’s difficult to do though. I spent months after my breakdown drilling affirmations into my head. I’ve gotten to the point where I can pull them out during an anxiety attack (and they are really helpful), but in general, I’m still usually thinking negative thoughts and putting myself down. It’s such a strong habit. And I hardly even know how to form a picture of what I want to happen when I’m so used to visualizing the worst outcome for every situation. The book recommends practicing these positive visualizations on a regular basis, sitting down for 5-10 minutes at a time and really fleshing out the visuals. I’m definitely going to start doing that.
The author talks about Coué's Law of Reversed Effort, which says (I'm paraphrasing) that when you want one thing to happen, but you are imagining or worrying about a different outcome, what you imagine will have a stronger effect than what you want. You can make it more likely something will happen by imagining/visualizing it.
Of course, that’s not always going to be true. If you want to have a safe flight and are worrying the plane will crash, you won’t make it crash. If you are worrying you will vomit, it’s very unlikely you will make yourself vomit. But you can make yourself feel “nauseous” and convinced you’re going to vomit by worrying you’re going to vomit, or even by worrying you’re going to feel nauseous.
Another example the author gives is losing a sports game because you’re imagining how awful it would be to lose, which then makes you anxious and causes you to lose your focus. Basically, your thoughts, your belief systems, your imagination, all of it, can influence your feelings and anxiety level, and that can have an effect on your behavior too.
To counteract this, it’s best to 1) tell yourself positive things and 2) visualize what you want to happen instead of what you fear might happen. Seems pretty common sense, right? Putting happy thoughts/images in your head can only have good results.
It’s difficult to do though. I spent months after my breakdown drilling affirmations into my head. I’ve gotten to the point where I can pull them out during an anxiety attack (and they are really helpful), but in general, I’m still usually thinking negative thoughts and putting myself down. It’s such a strong habit. And I hardly even know how to form a picture of what I want to happen when I’m so used to visualizing the worst outcome for every situation. The book recommends practicing these positive visualizations on a regular basis, sitting down for 5-10 minutes at a time and really fleshing out the visuals. I’m definitely going to start doing that.
Monday, January 19, 2015
CYEAT: Chapter 1
Ah, belief systems! The first chapter explores how your beliefs about
the world influence the way you perceive the world, and how your
perceptions then reinforce those beliefs.
For example, if you believe knocking on wood will bring you good luck, you're going to notice every single time you knock on wood and then something good happens. This will reinforce your belief. You're less likely to notice/remember the times you knock on wood and something bad happens.
Or (for a more negative emetophobia-related example) if you assume you're going to feel "sick" any time you go out somewhere, you will tend to notice the times you go out and don't feel well while overlooking the times you go out and feel fine. This is definitely one of my beliefs. I will complain to my wife that this always happens, that I can't ever go anywhere without feeling "sick" from anxiety, and she will remind me this isn't true and point out specific examples. She can see the whole picture, whereas I only see the bad because I'm invested in my belief - probably because 1) I get extremely frustrated and want to be able to express it in an extreme way ("this always happens" instead of "I hate that this ever happens") and 2) knowing there is potential to experience anxiety makes me want to stay home and if I can believe going out will always result in a struggle, it's that much easier to talk myself out of doing things.
Today was one of those good days that defies this belief. I went to see the new movie Into the Woods, which is pretty long (about 2 hours), and I didn't feel "sick" once.
At the end of the chapter there were a couple exercises about identifying what beliefs you have that may be limiting you (nothing about how to change them yet) and also a quiz, which excited me because I love taking quizzes. But at the end of the quiz there was no scoring or commentary. The author just said to set it aside and the book would come back to it later. Intriguing.
Nothing ground-breaking yet. I already know I have many flawed and harmful beliefs. But of course, it never hurts to remind yourself of these things. Even knowing I have these beliefs, I still don't always realize when I am reinforcing them and behaving as if they are true.
For example, if you believe knocking on wood will bring you good luck, you're going to notice every single time you knock on wood and then something good happens. This will reinforce your belief. You're less likely to notice/remember the times you knock on wood and something bad happens.
Or (for a more negative emetophobia-related example) if you assume you're going to feel "sick" any time you go out somewhere, you will tend to notice the times you go out and don't feel well while overlooking the times you go out and feel fine. This is definitely one of my beliefs. I will complain to my wife that this always happens, that I can't ever go anywhere without feeling "sick" from anxiety, and she will remind me this isn't true and point out specific examples. She can see the whole picture, whereas I only see the bad because I'm invested in my belief - probably because 1) I get extremely frustrated and want to be able to express it in an extreme way ("this always happens" instead of "I hate that this ever happens") and 2) knowing there is potential to experience anxiety makes me want to stay home and if I can believe going out will always result in a struggle, it's that much easier to talk myself out of doing things.
Today was one of those good days that defies this belief. I went to see the new movie Into the Woods, which is pretty long (about 2 hours), and I didn't feel "sick" once.
At the end of the chapter there were a couple exercises about identifying what beliefs you have that may be limiting you (nothing about how to change them yet) and also a quiz, which excited me because I love taking quizzes. But at the end of the quiz there was no scoring or commentary. The author just said to set it aside and the book would come back to it later. Intriguing.
Nothing ground-breaking yet. I already know I have many flawed and harmful beliefs. But of course, it never hurts to remind yourself of these things. Even knowing I have these beliefs, I still don't always realize when I am reinforcing them and behaving as if they are true.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
CYEAT: Introduction
In the introduction to Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive,
the author includes a first-person declaration that the reader is
supposed to sign. The declaration says things like "I intend to overcome
my emetophobia" and "I will complete all the exercises in this book
with vigour", etc. Then a place to sign your name and date it.
On the page after the declaration, he asks anyone who didn't sign to think about why they didn't sign. He offers suggestions such as maybe you thought it was silly or wouldn't make any difference. But it got me thinking about why, in a broader sense, I sometimes feel wary about trying to cure this phobia.
First of all, I very much doubt it can be cured, at least not completely. I feel like at the very least you would still have moments in your life, moments where you had a stressful week or were really tired, where it would creep back out again.
But mere moments would be an improvement, obviously, and something to strive for. My next thought is that getting to that stage of 'mere moments' of anxiety would obviously be difficult and horribly unpleasant. The introduction talks about this too, how you have to put in a lot of time and work and complete all the exercises. Then I end up putting those two thoughts together and come up with: I could spend so much time doing these difficult unpleasant things and in the end, it's possible it still wouldn't make any difference.
The author mentions that he thinks exposure therapy (inducing vomiting) would help many people with this phobia, but they won't do it: "Their desire for control tends to be so strong that they would not let themselves undergo exposure therapy - even for just one day, if they were guaranteed a cure."
That's the problem though. No one can be guaranteed a cure. Honestly, if I was guaranteed a cure after one day, I would induce vomiting for sure. That's not reality. Reality is that you would probably have to do it several times to desensitize yourself, which would take more than one day, and there is no guarantee it would be successful. Without that guarantee, it's not worth it. In my mind anyway.
Another thing that makes me uneasy is thinking about how if I was cured, I would probably vomit more frequently than I do now. I get caught in that emetophobic feedback loop where I'm horrified thinking I would vomit, then remind myself that since I was cured I wouldn't care, but still feel freaked out by the thought. The present me feels sorry for the future me who would be cured and thus would not protect herself adequately by the standards of present me. It doesn't make sense. But I keep circling back around to what is essentially a fear of being cured.
Then there is the fact that I have had this phobia my entire life, as long as I can remember anyway, and it is such a huge part of me that it feels like part of my identity. Sometimes I can't imagine who I would be without it. And it's always scary to think about losing a huge part of who you are, even if it's a sick part that's holding you back in so many ways.
So those are my reservations. All that being said, if someone came up to me, handed me a pill, and told me that if I took it I would throw up once and then be cured forever, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know that's not possible, but it's a nice fantasy.
I do want to commit to the experience of this book as much as possible and see if it can help any (even if it doesn't actually cure), so I will sign the declaration (well, write it out and then sign it, since I bought the ebook version). Since they say it's so important to do so. Full speed ahead!
On the page after the declaration, he asks anyone who didn't sign to think about why they didn't sign. He offers suggestions such as maybe you thought it was silly or wouldn't make any difference. But it got me thinking about why, in a broader sense, I sometimes feel wary about trying to cure this phobia.
First of all, I very much doubt it can be cured, at least not completely. I feel like at the very least you would still have moments in your life, moments where you had a stressful week or were really tired, where it would creep back out again.
But mere moments would be an improvement, obviously, and something to strive for. My next thought is that getting to that stage of 'mere moments' of anxiety would obviously be difficult and horribly unpleasant. The introduction talks about this too, how you have to put in a lot of time and work and complete all the exercises. Then I end up putting those two thoughts together and come up with: I could spend so much time doing these difficult unpleasant things and in the end, it's possible it still wouldn't make any difference.
The author mentions that he thinks exposure therapy (inducing vomiting) would help many people with this phobia, but they won't do it: "Their desire for control tends to be so strong that they would not let themselves undergo exposure therapy - even for just one day, if they were guaranteed a cure."
That's the problem though. No one can be guaranteed a cure. Honestly, if I was guaranteed a cure after one day, I would induce vomiting for sure. That's not reality. Reality is that you would probably have to do it several times to desensitize yourself, which would take more than one day, and there is no guarantee it would be successful. Without that guarantee, it's not worth it. In my mind anyway.
Another thing that makes me uneasy is thinking about how if I was cured, I would probably vomit more frequently than I do now. I get caught in that emetophobic feedback loop where I'm horrified thinking I would vomit, then remind myself that since I was cured I wouldn't care, but still feel freaked out by the thought. The present me feels sorry for the future me who would be cured and thus would not protect herself adequately by the standards of present me. It doesn't make sense. But I keep circling back around to what is essentially a fear of being cured.
Then there is the fact that I have had this phobia my entire life, as long as I can remember anyway, and it is such a huge part of me that it feels like part of my identity. Sometimes I can't imagine who I would be without it. And it's always scary to think about losing a huge part of who you are, even if it's a sick part that's holding you back in so many ways.
So those are my reservations. All that being said, if someone came up to me, handed me a pill, and told me that if I took it I would throw up once and then be cured forever, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know that's not possible, but it's a nice fantasy.
I do want to commit to the experience of this book as much as possible and see if it can help any (even if it doesn't actually cure), so I will sign the declaration (well, write it out and then sign it, since I bought the ebook version). Since they say it's so important to do so. Full speed ahead!
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
thrive!
I bought the Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive
book a while ago, and I decided I'm finally going to start reading it.
I'm certain it will not cure my phobia and can't say I'm too pleased
they decided to give it that title, but I figure there has to be
something helpful in there. Even the worst anxiety self-help books I've
read have had at least a few good tips.
So here goes. Putting my skepticism/cynicism aside (as much as possible).
And I'm going to live-blog this potentially miraculous experience.
So here goes. Putting my skepticism/cynicism aside (as much as possible).
And I'm going to live-blog this potentially miraculous experience.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
walking goals
Happy 2015 everyone!
Last year I made a resolution to walk 5000 steps a day. Since I work from home and don't like going out all that much, I was averaging barely 1000 steps. Definitely not healthy.
I never do well with exercise goals, but I found it really easy to stick with this one after I bought a pedometer. Those things are amazing. I don't know why, but being able to track by number of steps rather than time is so much more motivating. I bought this Omron one and love it. You probably know the Fitbit is the more popular brand because you can sync up to your computer to track your progress or to other people to form groups, challenge your friends, compete and such. (Also Fitbits are much smaller and more aesthetically appealing.) I got mine before the Fitbit craze and I'm not too interested in making my exercise social at this point in time, so I'm sticking with the Omron for now. It tracks total steps, aerobic steps, miles, calories burned. I rarely look at anything except the total steps - I clip it to my pants, wear it until I hit my step goal, then take it off.
I knew I wanted to work my way up to 10000 steps a day, and I thought it would be easier to do if I added 1000 steps to my goal every month. In September I bumped my goal up to 6000, in October to 7000, etc. and started out 2015 at 10000 steps a day. So that's my main resolution for this year, to stick with that goal.
I think all this walking and trying to eat healthier has decreased my anxiety. 2014 was an awesome year. I pushed my boundaries - going to concerts, festivals, etc. - and I still experienced some anxiety during most of these events, but I had a great time overall.
I did end up seeing The Nutcracker last month, and that was wonderful too. Even though I felt mildly "sick" during most of it. I just took deep breaths and tried to ignore it, which is usually easy for me to do these days. I keep telling myself it's not real illness, even if a part of me doubts it. Then intermission comes - the lights turn back on, everyone starts moving around, I know I could leave if I wanted, I'm able to talk and laugh with my wife for a few minutes, and all of this instantly makes me feel better. Because it is only anxiety.
Last year I made a resolution to walk 5000 steps a day. Since I work from home and don't like going out all that much, I was averaging barely 1000 steps. Definitely not healthy.
I never do well with exercise goals, but I found it really easy to stick with this one after I bought a pedometer. Those things are amazing. I don't know why, but being able to track by number of steps rather than time is so much more motivating. I bought this Omron one and love it. You probably know the Fitbit is the more popular brand because you can sync up to your computer to track your progress or to other people to form groups, challenge your friends, compete and such. (Also Fitbits are much smaller and more aesthetically appealing.) I got mine before the Fitbit craze and I'm not too interested in making my exercise social at this point in time, so I'm sticking with the Omron for now. It tracks total steps, aerobic steps, miles, calories burned. I rarely look at anything except the total steps - I clip it to my pants, wear it until I hit my step goal, then take it off.
I knew I wanted to work my way up to 10000 steps a day, and I thought it would be easier to do if I added 1000 steps to my goal every month. In September I bumped my goal up to 6000, in October to 7000, etc. and started out 2015 at 10000 steps a day. So that's my main resolution for this year, to stick with that goal.
I think all this walking and trying to eat healthier has decreased my anxiety. 2014 was an awesome year. I pushed my boundaries - going to concerts, festivals, etc. - and I still experienced some anxiety during most of these events, but I had a great time overall.
I did end up seeing The Nutcracker last month, and that was wonderful too. Even though I felt mildly "sick" during most of it. I just took deep breaths and tried to ignore it, which is usually easy for me to do these days. I keep telling myself it's not real illness, even if a part of me doubts it. Then intermission comes - the lights turn back on, everyone starts moving around, I know I could leave if I wanted, I'm able to talk and laugh with my wife for a few minutes, and all of this instantly makes me feel better. Because it is only anxiety.
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