I decided to keep a dream journal this year, just for fun, because I love dreams and attempting to analyze them. I also kept a tally of how many times I dreamed about a particular person or thing. So, for example, I dreamed about my mom 97 times this year, I dreamed about being at work 52 times, etc. That I can remember, anyway. The other night I got curious about emetophobia-related dreams and reviewed every dream I had about vomit. I dreamed about it 29 times (it ranked 33 in my list of 143 people/things).
When I've seen other emetophobics talk about their vomit dreams on forums/blogs, usually they say the dreams cause them a lot of distress, that they are nightmares even. I wonder if this is the "norm" for emetophobics or if those people are just the only ones who talk about their dreams because of the fact that they are in distress over them. It's not the case for me. I think I dream about vomit pretty frequently, but I don't usually feel upset about it, either in the dream or after I wake up. I wouldn't consider any of the dreams I had this year to be nightmares. These are the categories I could divide them into:
-- seeing vomit or mentions of vomit on a sign, in a book, online, or while watching TV (9)
-- hearing someone is sick, has vomited, or might vomit but don't actually see/hear them do it (6)
-- someone I recognize vomits - people I know or "dream friends" (5)
-- a stranger vomits (4)
-- my cat vomits (3)
-- I vomit (2)
I will feel anxiety in the dream, but it's like a muted "dream anxiety" that is really more shown by my behavior in the dream than actually felt. I will cry, hide, run away, obsess about it, avoid anything I think may be contaminated, etc. All the standard behaviors from reality. But the anxiety doesn't wake me up or cause me to feel upset after waking up and remembering it. It's maybe more like a general rehearsal, since I so rarely encounter vomit in reality.
Also, in dreams where I get sick myself (and they are so rare that even having two this year seems excessive to me), I usually don't feel sick. Sometimes I am doing it intentionally (for example, in one I was engaged in a vomit competition with someone), and it's easy and laid-back. It always feels like liquid spontaneously appears in my mouth without actually coming from my stomach.
This really has nothing to do with coping with emetophobia. I'm just sharing out of nerdy curiosity. I'd be really interested to hear what themes or patterns other emetophobics have encountered in their dreams.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
holiday parties
Merry Christmas / happy holidays!
I know the holiday season can be stressful for emetophobes, since there will usually be a party to attend. Which usually means large groups of people, a crazy amount of food/alcohol, and possible sickness thrown into the mix. I don't live near any of my family (and saw them at Thanksgiving), so thankfully, I don't have to deal with any family holiday gatherings this year. I did have to go to one party a couple weeks ago, but it turned out to be a pretty low-key event. Anyway, I just wanted to share some thoughts:
-- I don't drink ever, so that's simple enough. I just tell people that, and I've never had anyone put up much of a fight about it. If I was someone who occasionally drank, but I didn't want to at the holiday party, I imagine I'd just say I had to drive later that night, even if it wasn't true.
-- There was a lot of food at the party I went to, but any time anyone asked me why I wasn't eating, I said I already had. I've used this technique many times at social occasions. Usually there are enough people so that no one is keeping constant track of you. I have had people respond to my lie with "well, have more!" but I just say I'm full. I don't really understand why there are people that are desperate to make sure everyone they know is fed - whatever the reason, it clearly means a lot to them, so it's easier to tell them what they want to hear - that you are thoroughly and happily fed.
-- I wouldn't worry extra because you heard (for example) your sister-in-law wasn't feeling well earlier in the day, or your cousin's best friend's dad had a stomach virus two days ago, or anything else like that. Because you could just as easily not have heard about it. At the party I went to, I hadn't heard about anyone being sick or exposed to someone sick, but that doesn't mean there weren't potentially sick people there. There were a bunch of people who had children, so I'm almost certain there was a connection to a stomach virus somewhere in that room. You're not in any more danger for having heard about it, and you're taking no more of a risk than when you go out anywhere else, like to the grocery store. Just take the same precautions you always do (washing your hands, not sharing food/drink, etc.).
Try to enjoy yourself as much as possible! Laughter, relaxation, and socializing are all good for your overall health.
I know the holiday season can be stressful for emetophobes, since there will usually be a party to attend. Which usually means large groups of people, a crazy amount of food/alcohol, and possible sickness thrown into the mix. I don't live near any of my family (and saw them at Thanksgiving), so thankfully, I don't have to deal with any family holiday gatherings this year. I did have to go to one party a couple weeks ago, but it turned out to be a pretty low-key event. Anyway, I just wanted to share some thoughts:
-- I don't drink ever, so that's simple enough. I just tell people that, and I've never had anyone put up much of a fight about it. If I was someone who occasionally drank, but I didn't want to at the holiday party, I imagine I'd just say I had to drive later that night, even if it wasn't true.
-- There was a lot of food at the party I went to, but any time anyone asked me why I wasn't eating, I said I already had. I've used this technique many times at social occasions. Usually there are enough people so that no one is keeping constant track of you. I have had people respond to my lie with "well, have more!" but I just say I'm full. I don't really understand why there are people that are desperate to make sure everyone they know is fed - whatever the reason, it clearly means a lot to them, so it's easier to tell them what they want to hear - that you are thoroughly and happily fed.
-- I wouldn't worry extra because you heard (for example) your sister-in-law wasn't feeling well earlier in the day, or your cousin's best friend's dad had a stomach virus two days ago, or anything else like that. Because you could just as easily not have heard about it. At the party I went to, I hadn't heard about anyone being sick or exposed to someone sick, but that doesn't mean there weren't potentially sick people there. There were a bunch of people who had children, so I'm almost certain there was a connection to a stomach virus somewhere in that room. You're not in any more danger for having heard about it, and you're taking no more of a risk than when you go out anywhere else, like to the grocery store. Just take the same precautions you always do (washing your hands, not sharing food/drink, etc.).
Try to enjoy yourself as much as possible! Laughter, relaxation, and socializing are all good for your overall health.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
anxiety about cat
I love my cat, but I have a hard time dealing with him when he vomits (pretty rare) or has a hairball (less rare). I wouldn't say it causes an anxiety attack, but it's extremely upsetting, especially to listen to while it's happening. And of course, I know I'm supposed to grab him when he first starts hacking and stick him in the bathroom, so he doesn't end up getting sick on our living room carpet, but I can never do it. I have to get as far away from him as possible.
Because of this, I quickly took note of two things. The first, that he would always meow in a low and mournful way right before getting sick. The second, that if he didn't finish his meal (we feed him twice a day, and he is a fanatic about eating it all right at that moment), that usually meant he would be getting sick within the next half hour.
Both of these neurotic observations have done nothing to help me. There is no way to scientifically measure how low his meow is, and I have gotten anxious about a thousand times over what I thought was a low sick meow and locked him up in the bathroom for no reason. And now, for the past week or two, he has developed a new habit of not finishing his "breakfast" meal. I don't know why. Maybe he still hasn't gotten over the stress of being boarded while we were on vacation. But he will leave some, go wander around, and then come back and finish it a little bit later. Other than that, he seems totally fine. It's too bad he has to live with the crazy emetophobe who checks his bowl after every meal, because again, I keep shutting him in the bathroom unnecessarily.
It's frustrating. I hate how easy it is to come up with these little irrational rules related to your fears. As if anything can be identified and controlled so easily. I just need to let this go and realize there is nothing I can do to avoid being exposed occasionally to cat vomit/hairballs. I wanted a cat, it comes with the territory. So does incredible cuteness, to look on the bright side.
One of these days I'm going to write an actual post again. I've just been all swept up in other things lately, like poetry and Judaism and Gloria Steinem, and ignoring anxiety as much as possible. Which is both good and bad. It's nice to be able to "set it aside" temporarily, but I know if I do that for too long, I'll be right back where I started. But I'm sure I'll get back on track with the start of the new year.
Because of this, I quickly took note of two things. The first, that he would always meow in a low and mournful way right before getting sick. The second, that if he didn't finish his meal (we feed him twice a day, and he is a fanatic about eating it all right at that moment), that usually meant he would be getting sick within the next half hour.
Both of these neurotic observations have done nothing to help me. There is no way to scientifically measure how low his meow is, and I have gotten anxious about a thousand times over what I thought was a low sick meow and locked him up in the bathroom for no reason. And now, for the past week or two, he has developed a new habit of not finishing his "breakfast" meal. I don't know why. Maybe he still hasn't gotten over the stress of being boarded while we were on vacation. But he will leave some, go wander around, and then come back and finish it a little bit later. Other than that, he seems totally fine. It's too bad he has to live with the crazy emetophobe who checks his bowl after every meal, because again, I keep shutting him in the bathroom unnecessarily.
It's frustrating. I hate how easy it is to come up with these little irrational rules related to your fears. As if anything can be identified and controlled so easily. I just need to let this go and realize there is nothing I can do to avoid being exposed occasionally to cat vomit/hairballs. I wanted a cat, it comes with the territory. So does incredible cuteness, to look on the bright side.
One of these days I'm going to write an actual post again. I've just been all swept up in other things lately, like poetry and Judaism and Gloria Steinem, and ignoring anxiety as much as possible. Which is both good and bad. It's nice to be able to "set it aside" temporarily, but I know if I do that for too long, I'll be right back where I started. But I'm sure I'll get back on track with the start of the new year.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
new year's resolutions
I know I'm overshooting here (and yet still falling short of what I actually want to be doing), but these are my health-related goals for the new year:
1) Eat four servings of fruit / vegetables a day.
2) Do yoga twice a week.
3) Exercise three days a week.
4) Get check-up / physical.
5) Limit taking temperature to once a month.
6) Limit taking anti-nausea meds or anti-emetics to once a week (except for Tums).
7) Limit asking my wife if I am sick to once a day.
8) Meditate or work with affirmations or deep breathing once a week.
9) Do actual written CBT work once a week.
10) Do something outside the house that makes me anxious at least twice a month.
Friday, December 9, 2011
caffeine free
One of the first decisions I made after my "breakdown" last year was to give up caffeine. Most books / websites talking about anxiety disorders will advise against it. Pretty common sense - we're stimulated enough, why add to that? I know chocolate has some, and I still eat that, so I'm not super strict about it. But I stopped drinking (caffeinated) coffee and Mt. Dew, both of which I love love love. Mt. Dew especially has always been the only soda I enjoy and one of my favorite drinks in general. The loss of the coffee didn't pose much of a problem, since you can find decaf everywhere you go. Apparently there is also a caffeine free version of Mt. Dew, but I never see it being sold anywhere. At some point I may order it online. I probably should wait a little bit longer so that I can be absolutely certain I've forgotten the amazing taste of the original.
It has always been pretty easy for me to give up things. I don't have much trouble subtracting the bad. It's when I need to add something (like doing yoga, which I've been neglecting yet again) that I find myself unable to succeed (so far). But still, the fact that it's been a year and I still crave Mt. Dew makes me proud of myself for not caving. I'm considering it a success.
Speaking of goals, I've already started coming up with New Year's resolutions. This is probably obvious from this blog, but I'm a little obsessed with self-improvement, so I always get really excited around the New Year and have these grand ideas of changing myself into a completely different person. I overshoot every time, so I'm trying to at least make each goal realistic this year, but the list will still be long I'm sure.
It has always been pretty easy for me to give up things. I don't have much trouble subtracting the bad. It's when I need to add something (like doing yoga, which I've been neglecting yet again) that I find myself unable to succeed (so far). But still, the fact that it's been a year and I still crave Mt. Dew makes me proud of myself for not caving. I'm considering it a success.
Speaking of goals, I've already started coming up with New Year's resolutions. This is probably obvious from this blog, but I'm a little obsessed with self-improvement, so I always get really excited around the New Year and have these grand ideas of changing myself into a completely different person. I overshoot every time, so I'm trying to at least make each goal realistic this year, but the list will still be long I'm sure.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
wisdom teeth
Not much has been happening. My anxiety has been extremely manageable since we got back home from the trip. I'm amazed - I definitely wasn't expecting things to go this well. But since they are, and I have nothing new to report, I'm going to post an old story. I got my wisdom teeth removed about two years ago. It was an experience I was dreading, because I felt sure it would put me in danger of throwing up. But it actually turned out completely fine, and I consider it one of my greatest successes ever. I'm so glad I didn't chicken out, because now I know I don't have to worry about them ever again.
So it started out with a consultation with the dentist who was going to perform the surgery. That part was awful. He was definitely not skilled in dealing with anxiety issues. I had envisioned that the consultation would be in a quiet back room with a closed door, but it was in a little examining room right next to the front desk, and he left the door open the whole time. And he talked incredibly loudly. I was of course trying to get all my points across the same way I had rehearsed them earlier, but after I mentioned the phobia, he started talking (shouting) about the possibility of me getting sick and how I was afraid of getting sick, and I was very aware of the fact that the people at the front desk could hear every word. I guess dentists don't expect you to be self-conscious.
He didn't have any comforting information either. He said that even prescribing me a strong anti-emetic might not keep me from getting sick, because 1) most people get sick immediately after the procedure before they've had a chance to take it and 2) people won't usually take it until they start feeling nauseous. Plus if they are going to sedate you, any kind of sedation makes you nauseous, so he said they already add anti-emetic to the drip and that none of it is any guarantee. Then he said 5% of people or 1 in 20 will throw up, and usually it is from the pain medication. He recommended sedation for me, based on my X-rays, and he said he thought everything would be uncomplicated for me. But obviously he didn't see the vomiting thing as a big deal, no matter how much I tried to make him see it that way. He prescribed me two anti-emetics, a regular one and then a more expensive one that he said was super strong. This was my first experience with prescribed anti-emetics. I later found out the super strong one was Zofran. Of course I planned to use that one, because I wanted the strongest one possible.
I was pretty freaked out when I walked out of there, but it still seemed like I could possibly avoid getting sick. I decided I would take the anti-emetic before the procedure, I would not be sedated, and I would not take any prescribed pain medication.
The morning of the procedure, I took the Zofran before even leaving the house. It dissolved on my tongue easily and tasted okay but had kind of a bad after-taste. I didn't notice any bad side effects from it either. I also had three 45-minute Kathy Griffin comedy routines on my iPod so I would have something really hilarious to distract me during the surgery.
So it started out with a consultation with the dentist who was going to perform the surgery. That part was awful. He was definitely not skilled in dealing with anxiety issues. I had envisioned that the consultation would be in a quiet back room with a closed door, but it was in a little examining room right next to the front desk, and he left the door open the whole time. And he talked incredibly loudly. I was of course trying to get all my points across the same way I had rehearsed them earlier, but after I mentioned the phobia, he started talking (shouting) about the possibility of me getting sick and how I was afraid of getting sick, and I was very aware of the fact that the people at the front desk could hear every word. I guess dentists don't expect you to be self-conscious.
He didn't have any comforting information either. He said that even prescribing me a strong anti-emetic might not keep me from getting sick, because 1) most people get sick immediately after the procedure before they've had a chance to take it and 2) people won't usually take it until they start feeling nauseous. Plus if they are going to sedate you, any kind of sedation makes you nauseous, so he said they already add anti-emetic to the drip and that none of it is any guarantee. Then he said 5% of people or 1 in 20 will throw up, and usually it is from the pain medication. He recommended sedation for me, based on my X-rays, and he said he thought everything would be uncomplicated for me. But obviously he didn't see the vomiting thing as a big deal, no matter how much I tried to make him see it that way. He prescribed me two anti-emetics, a regular one and then a more expensive one that he said was super strong. This was my first experience with prescribed anti-emetics. I later found out the super strong one was Zofran. Of course I planned to use that one, because I wanted the strongest one possible.
I was pretty freaked out when I walked out of there, but it still seemed like I could possibly avoid getting sick. I decided I would take the anti-emetic before the procedure, I would not be sedated, and I would not take any prescribed pain medication.
The morning of the procedure, I took the Zofran before even leaving the house. It dissolved on my tongue easily and tasted okay but had kind of a bad after-taste. I didn't notice any bad side effects from it either. I also had three 45-minute Kathy Griffin comedy routines on my iPod so I would have something really hilarious to distract me during the surgery.
The first thing they did was put two giant Q-tips in my mouth with a bad-tasting goo on them to start numbing my mouth. Pre-numbing to get me ready for the long needle that really numbs you. Then the doctor gave me about eight shots with the long needle. I only felt an uncomfortable pinching sensation. After that, they told me good job, I had gotten through the worst part of it. I did not believe them. But it was true. I felt no more pain after that.
I was left alone for a while, and my mouth, lips, chin and even the sides of my face up to my ears got extremely numb. Then the doctor came back, and he and an assistant went right into the procedure. It all started so fast I hadn't had time to start my iPod, so I was fumbling with it while they continued shoving tools in my mouth. I finally got it playing, and as soon as I did, I shut my eyes really tight because I knew it would be bad to see anything that was going on. They started drilling, and the drill was so loud I couldn't hear the iPod anyway. I was just catching snatches in-between, and I couldn't really concentrate on it, because I was focused on the pressure and the sounds and wondering exactly what they were doing to me and marveling at the idea that they were hurting me extremely badly, but I could not feel a thing. They were having a pleasant conversation the entire time. I wasn't really paying attention, but they were laughing and talking like they were just sitting down having coffee.
I only had two wisdom teeth, both on the bottom. They started with the right side, and after probably three to five minutes at the most, they stuck a wad of gauze in there and switched to the other side. I wondered if they were done but couldn't really believe it could be so. They spent the same amount of time on the left side, and then they stuck a wad of gauze there too and said I was finished. I "said" (mumbled) "really?" and they said yes, and the doctor said that I definitely wasn't a patient that needed to be sedated, and that most people needed to because they couldn't handle the stress of it. I was shocked by all this, shocked that it was over, shocked that I was pretty comfortable the whole time, shocked that they were making it sound like I was one of their least anxious patients.
I was left alone for a while, and my mouth, lips, chin and even the sides of my face up to my ears got extremely numb. Then the doctor came back, and he and an assistant went right into the procedure. It all started so fast I hadn't had time to start my iPod, so I was fumbling with it while they continued shoving tools in my mouth. I finally got it playing, and as soon as I did, I shut my eyes really tight because I knew it would be bad to see anything that was going on. They started drilling, and the drill was so loud I couldn't hear the iPod anyway. I was just catching snatches in-between, and I couldn't really concentrate on it, because I was focused on the pressure and the sounds and wondering exactly what they were doing to me and marveling at the idea that they were hurting me extremely badly, but I could not feel a thing. They were having a pleasant conversation the entire time. I wasn't really paying attention, but they were laughing and talking like they were just sitting down having coffee.
I only had two wisdom teeth, both on the bottom. They started with the right side, and after probably three to five minutes at the most, they stuck a wad of gauze in there and switched to the other side. I wondered if they were done but couldn't really believe it could be so. They spent the same amount of time on the left side, and then they stuck a wad of gauze there too and said I was finished. I "said" (mumbled) "really?" and they said yes, and the doctor said that I definitely wasn't a patient that needed to be sedated, and that most people needed to because they couldn't handle the stress of it. I was shocked by all this, shocked that it was over, shocked that I was pretty comfortable the whole time, shocked that they were making it sound like I was one of their least anxious patients.
That was it. Then the assistant gave me a speech about how to take care of my mouth and what I should eat that day (cold, soft foods). I had a bunch of questions I wanted to ask her, but I couldn't speak. I don't remember what they were, but I guess they weren't that important, because it all turned out okay. Later on, when the anesthesia wore off, my mouth felt extremely sore, but it was not the terrible pain I had heard described by other people. I think I took some Aleve for the pain, nothing else.
The end. I know the experience will be different for each person, but I wanted to share my happy ending. Everyone I had ever talked to about it had made it sound like a nightmare of excruciating pain and unavoidable sickness. Maybe I got lucky, or maybe people just love to exaggerate this type of story in a bizarre "whose life sucks more" competition. I couldn't say for sure. With all the horror stories, it was only my fear of facing worse problems in the future from not getting the teeth removed that pushed me into it, but I'm really so glad I got it over with.
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