movie excursion

I went to see the new movie The Hunger Games yesterday. It was fantastic, by the way, and without having to include any vomit or excessive gore. Hurray for the PG13 rating!

It was two and a half hours long, and I felt "sick" for about the first half. But I didn't leave the theater, not even for a quick break from the anxiety. I'm wavering between optimist/pessimist viewpoints. Optimist: "I stayed the whole time despite how awful I felt! That's wonderful! Success!" Pessimist: "Okay, so my behavior was good, but why can't I control my anxiety more so that I don't feel this fake sickness 50% of the time I'm out somewhere?"

I've been told I have a bad habit of being way too hard on myself, so let's just choose Optimist and run with it. I did manage to calm myself down so that I felt okay for the second half, and there was a lot of mental work that went into that success (and the success of staying the entire time):

-- I wanted to leave several times to compose myself and didn't let myself.

-- When I feel "sick" I never want to swallow, because I'm afraid it will push me into throwing up. I kept forcing myself to swallow and then drank water to prove I was not going to get sick.

-- I wanted to get my wife to reassure me somehow, either by asking her if I was sick or by asking her to feel my forehead, but I didn't let myself.

-- I reminded myself of all the evidence pointing to anxiety, not sickness (I felt fine up until the movie started; I have had many experiences going to a movie and feeling the exact same way, and it has never resulted in me throwing up; there were some parts of the movie that were making me laugh, and it's pretty unlikely I would be so alert and able to enjoy the humor if I were actually sick).

-- I told myself that in the unlikely event of me actually getting sick, it would not be the end of the world. It would be embarrassing and unpleasant, but I would survive it.

-- I tried a visualization exercise where I focused on one of those little red floor lights that guide people along the aisle and imagined transferring all my anxiety and "sick" feelings into that light. I imagined the light could contain all of that unpleasantness, and then it would no longer be in me, and I would be free to enjoy the movie. It really seemed to help some.

Ta-da! A six-step guide to passing for a normal movie-goer!

But it will not always be so hard. Repeated exposure is the key. It seems I really have no choice but to go see The Hunger Games several more times. And I suppose I'd better treat myself to some more delicious restaurant meals as well. Whatever's good for recovery!

eustress

It's been kind of a tough week for me, and I'm pretty sure the cause of all the extra anxiety was my birthday (yesterday). I kept thinking about it for days beforehand and everything that it "means" - getting presents, eating cake, talking to family and friends, everyone (including, and maybe especially, myself) expecting me to feel happy the entire day. There are so many expectations surrounding holidays and birthdays, which is why I tend to be wary of them most of the time, because the day rarely measures up to what it "should" be. Also, with birthdays (and New Year's), there is all that evaluation of your life, what you've accomplished, what you still want to accomplish.

All these thoughts were running through my mind, but I wasn't really aware of how much it was affecting me at first. Because most of it is positive, and for a while, I just felt excitement and anticipation. Then I started noticing that everything I ate was making me feel "sick," and I got a headache that seemed to last for days, and I felt anxious all the time. The night before my birthday, I couldn't fall asleep for a while. The actual day felt like a blur of intense emotion. Again, it was 99% positive emotion, but it was still overwhelming. There were moments when I felt so much excitement that I felt close to an anxiety attack physically, which would then cause the alarm bells to go off in my head, leading to actual anxiety.

I am still feeling the effects of all this (overstimulation, I guess you could call it) today, and I've been reflecting on how strange it is that excitement and anxiety are so linked. That idea of how there is both negative stress (distress) and positive stress (eustress). When you have an anxiety disorder, it seems like the positive stress can quickly turn bad. I am never really sure how to deal with this. When I'm having negative stress, I know I'm supposed to tell myself to slow down, take some deep breaths, counter negative thoughts, etc. But when it's positive stress, I feel stupid for needing to take a break from it, for thinking things like "all this talking, smiling, laughing is getting to be too much." Even more so, I have no idea how to explain the concept to someone else. "This is too exciting, it's starting to freak me out!" I can just imagine the strange looks I'd get with that one. Not to mention it would probably put a damper on the happy times. So I'm much more likely to push myself through it as much as possible without using any of the anxiety-fighting techniques.

The wikipedia page for eustress says, "The body itself cannot physically discern between distress or eustress." For emetophobics (and probably most people with anxiety, especially health-related anxiety), the physical manifestation of stress causes much more anxiety than there was to begin with. I guess that explains why a positive-stress experience can have this effect on me. It's frustrating, because I don't want to fight eustress. I want to be able to enjoy that side of the coin. Instead, I find myself trying to reach a more stoic / sedated state to prevent my mind from getting to that point where it decides "I don't care what this feeling is, it's dangerous."

I don't know. Striving for a calm state of mind isn't exactly a bad thing. The real issue is probably that my threshold for any kind of stress is incredibly low right now. I'm hoping that will change with time (moving away from the 2010 rock-bottom) and all the coping mechanisms I've been learning and practicing.      

challenges

I've been seeing so many inspiring stories on emet blogs and forums recently, stories from people who are pushing themselves to confront their fear. It's exciting, and it's been encouraging me to look for ways I can do the same. I have definitely talked a lot on here about the benefits of challenging yourself, about how important it is to get out of your safe "bubble." Yet I am usually at home. Or if I'm not, then I'm in the safest possible non-home place, like an uncrowded grocery store. Not much point in knowing what to do if I never do it.

Half the time I don't even notice the little ways I'm avoiding. The first Hunger Games movie comes out this month. It comes out the day after my birthday, and I really want to see it. Perfect timing, right? But my first instinct was to say no, we can't go that weekend. It will be too crowded. Let's wait a week or two. A few days went by before I realized what had happened. Saying no, planning out "safe" ways to do things, is such a strong habit. That's my first challenge for this month. I'm going to see the movie that first weekend. Maybe it will be really crowded, maybe not. If it is, it's a chance for me to learn to deal with it. Large crowds can't always be avoided. I'm even hoping to someday live in a city again (I'm in a pretty rural area right now), so I know I'll have to be in contact with large groups of people then.

My other challenge is work-related. My boss asked me if I would visit another company sometime in the next month and observe how things run there. I've been asked to travel for my job a few times, and it's usually long-distance travel, sometimes even leaving-the-country travel. I always say no, or worse, I say yes and then slowly back out of it. This time, the place I've been asked to go is about a ten to fifteen minute drive from my house. As convenient and manageable as that is, I still had the urge to say no. And it was clearly just because of anxiety, because I even think it sounds like fun. So I said yes, and now I have to do it. I can't back out of something this easy. I don't know any of the specifics yet of what I'll actually be doing, so I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for several different scenarios. But in general, I'm worried about a social situation where I will be "trapped" and could possibly feel anxious or "sick." Which makes it the perfect challenge for me, since that's the worry that keeps me from doing just about everything.

In a sense, I'm dreading these things. But I also can't wait to find out how well I can handle them. Whatever happens, it will at least show me what I need to work on more. That's how I'm trying to see all these situations, as tiny experiments that will eventually lead to me being able to manage my anxiety at all times. The more I experiment, the more "data" I'll have.

ACT

I recently read a really great emetophobia-related blog and wanted to share it:

To Everything A Season

The author enrolled in an intensive outpatient program at a hospital. This program used the principles of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to help people cope with their anxiety.

To give a basic summary of ACT, it's a type of therapy that emphasizes accepting negative thoughts and emotions instead of fighting them. The idea is that you commit to living out your personal values/goals in spite of your anxiety issues. You recognize that you will never be able to eliminate negative thoughts and emotions entirely (no one can), but those thoughts and emotions don't have to hold you back.

Check out the blog for more info! It's incredibly detailed, informative, and inspiring.

coping techniques from A to Z

About a week ago, I decided it'd be fun to see if I could come up with an A-Z list of techniques for coping with (or recovering from) emetophobia, and I've been working on that for the past few days. I ended up writing a lot more than I thought I would, so this is going to be a long post. But hopefully it will be a helpful reference for anyone who feels like they are stuck and in need of a new tactic. Here goes! 

Affirmations: Practicing positive self-talk is one of the things that has helped me the most with this phobia and anxiety in general. I have a list of positive statements (affirmations) that I say to myself when I am feeling anxious. It took months of repeatedly writing and saying them before they started having a noticeable effect. Now they lower my anxiety pretty quickly. I especially like the one “This feeling isn’t dangerous – it will pass.” Start saying this to yourself every time you feel “sick” or anxious, and really try to believe it.

Breathing: It still amazes me that something as simple as taking a few deep breaths can make you feel so much calmer. It’s so simple that I usually don’t even think to try it when I am feeling anxious. My mind rushes ahead to more complicated solutions. But just taking a few minutes to take some deep breaths (from your stomach/diaphragm) can sometimes solve the issue, nothing else needed. There are many deep breathing exercises that you can practice daily, and over time the habit will become ingrained, so that whenever you become anxious, you will remember to breathe slowly and deeply.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy: I’ve read that this form of therapy is the most effective for treating anxiety. The cognitive part of it is noticing your negative self-talk and countering it with positive and rational statements. The behavioral part is looking at your actions/behaviors when you’re feeling anxious and working to change those unhealthy behavioral patterns. That’s the simplified version, but there is a lot to it, and it is something that takes a lot of hard work and commitment to change.

Distraction: Sometimes when I am really anxious, I know I just have to ride it out. While I’m waiting for the anxiety to fade away (as it always will), I do something to distract myself from the sensations as much as possible. During a period where I was having high anxiety in the middle of the night every night, I had several word search and crossword puzzle books lying around. These forced me to think and use my hands, so I found them calming. I have also watched TV, drawn pictures, written letters or emails to people, etc. Any fun laid-back activity.

Exercise: I am horrible at motivating myself to exercise, but many people can attest to the amazing effect it has on anxiety. It uses up the excess adrenaline you have because of your anxiety issues. It also raises your endorphin levels, so it makes you happier overall. I have heard some emetophobics say that one good work-out will bring down their anxiety for the whole day, even allowing them to be able to calmly handle situations that they know would normally cause them to panic. All from exercising just once, so imagine the long-term benefits of a regular exercise routine. It also, of course, keeps you in good physical health.

Food: Keep eating it. Emetophobics are tempted to avoid eating so that they have nothing in their stomachs to “make them sick.” I know it’s not what anyone wants to hear, but you can throw up even when you haven’t eaten. Plus not eating is an unhealthy act in itself. Your blood sugar will drop, which will make you feel bad physically and mentally: dizzy/woozy, headaches, stomach pain. Sometimes it just gives me an overall “weird” feeling that makes me even more anxious. When it gets out of control and you’re starving yourself, you’re hurting your immune system and making yourself more susceptible to illness. So it is not actually keeping you safe. Also, try to branch out from your “safe foods” and get to the point where you are eating a healthy, balanced diet. Like exercise, that’s something that will make you feel better overall.

Goals: Try to take your emetophobia and anxiety out of the picture and think about what you want out of life. Figuring this out will help you know what goals you need to set and what specific parts of your phobia you most need to challenge or overcome. Maybe you want to have a child. You need to work on becoming comfortable around sick children, so maybe you set a goal of helping a friend or relative when their child gets sick, and then take tiny steps until you achieve that goal. If you don’t want children, then it isn’t as important that you push yourself in that area. Maybe you want to travel to foreign countries instead. Your goals would be to reduce your anxiety on public transportation and to experiment with eating foods outside of your comfort zone. Having some ultimate purpose/gain behind your goals helps you from getting caught up in the idea that this phobia affects every part of your life. That may be true, but you don’t have to fight all of the manifestations at once.

Humor: A sense of humor is a great weapon against anxiety. First, when your anxiety is really high, you can use humor as a distraction – a funny movie, TV show, or website. Second, you can laugh at yourself and your anxiety. I’m sure we’ve all had that moment where we realize how silly or ridiculous our thoughts or actions are. It’s not about judging/mocking yourself, just putting things in perspective and realizing anxiety doesn’t have to be taken seriously all the time. Anxiety Cat is a good website for laughing at anxiety.

Information: Learn the basics of anxiety. It’s much harder to fight something when you don’t understand it. For example, knowing how anxiety can affect the way you feel physically will greatly reduce the number of times you convince yourself you must be getting sick. There are many websites that explain anxiety and different anxiety disorders in detail, but in my opinion the best thing to do is buy and read The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne. It is pretty much “the bible” of the anxious. Two other good books are Overcoming Health Anxiety by Rob Willson and David Veale and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies by Rhena Branch and Rob Willson.

Join the world: It’s easy for a person with anxiety to become isolated. Fear can lead to you staying home all the time or avoiding all socialization. Or something less extreme, like a comfortable routine that passes for normal but still feels restrictive and unpleasant to you. I would encourage anyone feeling this way to take the risk of stepping outside the comfort zone – look for opportunities to leave your house and be around people. Take these opportunities as frequently as you can – if you don’t keep practicing and forcing yourself out, your anxiety at the thought of doing so will only increase. Even if you’re at the point where your anxiety has you stuck at home most of the time, keep in touch with your family and friends as much as possible, so you don’t lose your support system.

Keep taking steps: Part of recovering from a phobia is exposing yourself to what you fear. I think most emetophobics dread hearing talk of exposure therapy and are even afraid to go to therapy at all, because they think their therapist might force them to vomit in order to cure them. Exposure therapy involves making a list of different situations that cause you anxiety and then exposing yourself to them, from the one that makes you least anxious to the one that makes you most anxious. For most phobias, this is simple and straight-forward, because you would fear an external thing, like a spider, and it’s easier to control your exposure to spiders and take gradual steps to face your fear. It’s trickier with emetophobia, because what you fear is an internal process that can’t always be controlled, and it’s not even healthy to repeatedly force yourself to vomit until you’re desensitized to it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still make an exposure hierarchy. Even though you’ll have to leave off that final step, you can include many other things like “handle and cook raw meat,” “leave the house without carrying anti-emetics with me,” “go out to eat at a restaurant alone,” “go out to a restaurant with a friend,” etc. Whatever you avoid because of your anxiety.

Limit caffeine/alcohol/nicotine/drugs: I want to say eliminate them entirely, but I know that some may consider that extreme, and most people wouldn’t want to do that. But none of these are going to be good for your anxiety, obviously. Some are even used as a crutch to escape anxiety issues, which can lead to dependence/addiction and all the problems that come with that. I have heard smokers say that smoking calms them and stops their panic attacks. That is probably true. But it’s so bad for your physical health, and there are other anxiety-reducing techniques that don’t involve poisoning yourself and lowering your immune system. Plus smoking is a quick-fix that you will need to use again and again, whereas other tactics can have the long-term benefit of overall decreasing anxiety.

Meditation: Like deep breathing exercises, this is something that you can practice each day, and over time it will make you less anxious in general. There are lots of different ways to meditate. Basically, you sit in a quiet, comfortable place and try to quiet your mind and clear it of worries. You won’t be able to get rid of all your thoughts, but the idea is to stop judging them and to just notice/observe a thought as it comes into your head and then let it go.

Notice negative self-talk: I mentioned this before as part of CBT. Sometimes it’s hard to even be aware of all the negative things you are telling yourself, because it’s so automatic. It can be helpful to keep a log of times/situations where you feel anxious and then write down any thoughts you can remember having during or leading up to that situation. After a while, you will start to see patterns. You will start to see the most common things you tell yourself and how they affect you by making you feel more anxious and leading you to anxious behavior (like avoidance).

Online self-help or support: There are some websites, like MoodGYM and E-couch that teach you anxiety-fighting techniques and give you assignments and exercises to help you practice. There are also several blogs that focus on emetophobia or anxiety in general, and there are forums (support groups) you can join. International Emetophobia Society is the main one for emetophobia. There is also an emetophobia community on livejournal. I don’t know of any others, but I’m sure there are many more out there.

Psychiatric medication: Taking medication is something that has helped many people, even though I’ve decided not to go that route. It’s something that is hard for emetophobics to do, since they fear nausea/vomiting as a side effect. I have tried to take two different medications but stopped both after the first dose, because I didn’t like the way they made me feel. But neither of them made me get sick – plus my doctor told me that those side effects go away after a while if you can push through the initial discomfort.

Quit Questioning: Sometimes we start asking questions and can’t stop, and the answers we get rarely make us feel better. Seeking reassurance reinforces the idea that you can’t handle the situation and the anxiety on your own. Receiving reassurance reinforces the idea that there is something to fear. If you hear someone is sick, don’t ask them what they have, what their symptoms have been, if they feel nauseous, when it started, etc. If you feel sick, don’t ask someone else if they think you are sick or are going to vomit. Don’t ask how the chicken was cooked. Don’t ask your spouse/child if they have washed their hands. It is only hurting your chances of feeling better, and on top of that, it’s annoying to the people around you. (I am terrible at following this advice by the way. I am always trying to cut down on my questions, and if I can avoid asking 10% of what pops into my head throughout the day, it’s a good day for me.)

Relaxation recordings: When my anxiety started to get really bad, I began listening to a guided meditation CD once or twice a day for at least 20 minutes. I strongly recommend this if you are new to (or struggle with) relaxation techniques like meditation, deep breathing exercises, visualization. The CD that I listened to was helpful in the moment at calming me down and also helped me practice different techniques. There was even a progressive muscle relaxation track. I can't find a link for purchasing that one (I got it from a local store), but here is another one I have that is also really good - Sound Beginning: Guided Meditations for Inspired Living.

Stay focused on the present: When you are anxious, you become trapped in worries about the future that usually include the phrase “what if” – what if I am sick, what if my food wasn’t cooked well enough, what if that milk had expired, what if I vomit, etc. Mindfulness is a technique that teaches you to get your mind out of the future and back to the present moment where it should be. In the present moment, what are you doing? Are you eating a sandwich? Then focus only on that sandwich, on the act of eating the sandwich, on the act of chewing, on the taste of each bite. Are you vacuuming? Think only about the fact that you are vacuuming and try not to let your mind wander to anything else, like what you’re going to do once you’re done vacuuming. If you are talking to someone, concentrate on what they are saying to you instead of getting lost in your anxious thoughts. Focus on what you are currently seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, or touching. It takes a lot of practice. The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh is a great book for learning more.

Therapy: Going to therapy/counseling can be extremely helpful if you can find a therapist that is the right “fit” for you and that provides the specific type of therapy you want (talk therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, etc.). They won’t have a miracle cure – you will still have to do the actual work of coping or recovering yourself. But they can help you come up with coping strategies and/or recovery plans and implement them. Then as you’re working on your issues, you have someone to help you with obstacles, give you feedback, and hold you accountable.

Untangle the feelings in your stomach: Emetophobics are generally unable to tell the difference between feelings in their stomachs. Hunger, indigestion, fullness, heartburn, bloating, and even menstrual cramps will all be seen as “nausea” even though they are nothing like nausea. Emetophobics are constantly focused on their stomachs and the slightest sensation they feel will be interpreted as a sign of danger. Most people (and this definitely seems to be the case for emetophobics) also feel a lot of emotions “in their stomachs” like anxiety, sadness, anger, guilt. This means stress and anxiety can easily lead to an upset stomach, which for an emetophobic leads to more stress and anxiety. It’s important to try to correctly identify the feelings in your stomach. The easiest way to do this is to take nausea off the table. Tell yourself that you aren’t feeling nausea (even if you really think you are), and then figure out what else it could be, since you “know” it’s not nausea. Look for clues. Has it been hours since you’ve eaten? Probably hunger. Did you have a hard day at work? Might be stress. The idea is to develop a sense for different feelings, not to obsess more over your stomach – if you can’t figure it out, that doesn’t mean it’s definitely nausea. You may not always be as certain as you’d like, but you should become better at deciphering stomach feelings with practice.

Vitamins: This is along the same lines as what I said for “Food” about eating a healthy, balanced diet. Taking a multivitamin makes me feel better physically, which leads to less anxiety. I also started taking a B-6 vitamin (100mg) every day that has helped my anxiety during PMS by reducing many of the symptoms that I used to have.

Watch your anti-emetic consumption: There are some people that say taking anti-emetics (or anti-nausea) medication all the time is not unhealthy for you. I don’t believe that at all. I can’t say I’m definitely right. I’m not a doctor. But I don’t see how constantly taking things that are meant to suppress or alter the actions of your stomach could be harmless. They are probably all having other effects on your body, like the way Zofran will cause constipation. Plus, physical health aside, it’s not mentally healthy to depend on them. Emetophobics feel sick frequently, and for most of them, most of the time, it’s caused by anxiety. There is no need to take medicine to make yourself safe, because you already are. Telling yourself that until you can believe it will make you feel much stronger and safer in the long run.

Xerox: Pay attention to what non-emetophobic people do in certain situations and “Xerox” (or copy) their normal behavior. (I know, I’m stretching here. I don’t know what the English language has against “x” and “z” words.) An example of this for me: I have a problem with eating fruits and vegetables. They are not pre-packaged standardized food items that are all the same. So many times I have been about to eat an apple, and then I notice a tiny spot on it, get scared, and throw it away. Enter my vegan friend who eats more fruit than anyone I have ever met. He never notices the spots and discolorations that I see, and he doesn’t ever get sick from eating any of these “flawed” fruits/vegetables. It has made me much braver about eating them myself.

Yoga: I still don’t have yoga cemented as a habit in my life, but I really want to. It’s a combination of relaxation and exercise, two amazingly helpful things for someone with anxiety (and everyone else, really). It also usually includes deep breathing and helps with mindfulness. It helps you get in touch with your body and how it feels. There are a ton of yoga DVDs out there, and I have one of these that I use. There are bound to be yoga classes in your area too (at a gym or a health center maybe) if that sounds more appealing.

Zonk out: Better known as “get some sleep.” Lack of sleep can make you feel horrible, so try to get at least seven or eight hours a night. In high school, I was pretty oblivious to the effects of my constant sleep deprivation. The less sleep I got, the more likely I was to feel “sick” and get really anxious about it. It also generally made me sad and grumpy.