The person I was going to meet for dinner cancelled, as they ended up not having enough time during their vacation to make the long drive over to my area. I can't say I wasn't partially relieved. I had been stressing about it every day. But at the same time, it would have been nice to prove to myself that I could get through a situation like that.
Then last weekend a friend came to visit and stayed with us. I had so much fun hanging out with him, but my anxiety spiked. Which was both surprising (because I'm close to and comfortable with this friend) and annoying.
We went on nature walks, and because it was hot, I worried I would get heat stroke and throw up. Or I worried I was overexerting myself, and that would make me sick. We went out to eat twice. The first time (breakfast) was absolutely fine, but the second time (dinner) I wasn't hungry, probably due to anxiety, and I was anxious that this meant I was getting sick and would throw up. We did a bunch of other things too. By the end of the day I was exhausted - it was more activity than I am used to - and then I worried I was sick because I felt tired! I had to repeat affirmations in my head in order to fall asleep and then woke up in a half-asleep panic at around 2 in the morning, feeling "sick" and trying to figure out where I could go to be sick in private, if it was going to happen.
I hardly ever wake up feeling like this anymore.
I feel like I've hit some kind of wall. I don't experience much anxiety anymore, but I guess it's only because I feel safe, because I'm only hanging out on a "narrow strip" of my room, as Rilke would say. I don't expect these (pretty minor) challenges to throw me so much, because I'm feeling so great most of the time. I really need to find more things to do around here that put me in situations where I am uncomfortable. I hate to think this is as good as it gets. I want to be able to go into any situation without returning to the mess I used to be.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
making plans
I've been noticing that I'm afraid of making plans. I've pretty much always been that way. I hate telling someone days or weeks in advance that I'll meet them at [insert time] at [insert place], preferring to either have more casual (non-)plans or to make plans at the last minute. I think this is a result of the anxiety I've always had and knowing that if I make set-in-stone decisions it's harder to undo them later when I become too anxious to follow through. This has happened several times, and it's difficult and embarrassing to get yourself out of something you've already committed to. At a certain point I just started thinking 'I'll probably end up chickening out anyway, why bother?' and I still have that mentality.
It's clearly not leading me anywhere good. For one thing, most of the time I immediately decline invitations, not even wanting to get into the whole back-and-forth 'should I, should I not, what if' cycle of thinking. Then I end up missing out on a lot of potentially fun and/or rewarding experiences, sometimes even beating myself up about it or feeling plagued with regret. It's not even usually regret about any one specific outing, more a cumulative regret at this point, a feeling that I am missing out on almost everything.
Also, not-making-the-decisions becomes a strong habit. When I do agree to hang out with someone, I hem and haw about the specifics, asking them what they want to do, where they want to go, etc. until they have made all the plans and I end up in a situation even more unpleasant. Until recently, it never even occurred to me that I could take matters into my own hands and suggest times/places that would be more comfortable for me. Just the idea of doing so still makes me feel guilty, like it's wrong for me to be allowed to make choices.
I've been trying to stay aware of all this, and today a situation presented itself that gave me the perfect opportunity to break my habit. Someone I know (although not that well) is taking a vacation next week and will be close to where I live. So they emailed me and asked if we could get together one evening.
My first thought was 'there's no way I could handle that, I've got to think of some way out of it.' After I talked myself past that, I wrote her back saying yes and asking what she wanted to do (the habit takes control yet again). Finally, I sent a second response with a specific restaurant where we could meet. It's a place I've been many times, so I know how to get there, what I could eat there, and that I'll feel more relaxed in general being in a familiar setting. Better able to handle any anxiety brought on by the food or socializing.
This seems like such an effective strategy, I don't know why it took me so long to realize it and start taking advantage of it. Now I won't have to spend the next week looking up directions, taking practice drives, or obsessing over an online menu, trying to find the perfect "safe" dish. Not that I should be doing any of those things anyway, but it's nice to be able to take something extremely stressful and overwhelming and turn it into something slightly more manageable, even if it will still be a challenge.
It's clearly not leading me anywhere good. For one thing, most of the time I immediately decline invitations, not even wanting to get into the whole back-and-forth 'should I, should I not, what if' cycle of thinking. Then I end up missing out on a lot of potentially fun and/or rewarding experiences, sometimes even beating myself up about it or feeling plagued with regret. It's not even usually regret about any one specific outing, more a cumulative regret at this point, a feeling that I am missing out on almost everything.
Also, not-making-the-decisions becomes a strong habit. When I do agree to hang out with someone, I hem and haw about the specifics, asking them what they want to do, where they want to go, etc. until they have made all the plans and I end up in a situation even more unpleasant. Until recently, it never even occurred to me that I could take matters into my own hands and suggest times/places that would be more comfortable for me. Just the idea of doing so still makes me feel guilty, like it's wrong for me to be allowed to make choices.
I've been trying to stay aware of all this, and today a situation presented itself that gave me the perfect opportunity to break my habit. Someone I know (although not that well) is taking a vacation next week and will be close to where I live. So they emailed me and asked if we could get together one evening.
My first thought was 'there's no way I could handle that, I've got to think of some way out of it.' After I talked myself past that, I wrote her back saying yes and asking what she wanted to do (the habit takes control yet again). Finally, I sent a second response with a specific restaurant where we could meet. It's a place I've been many times, so I know how to get there, what I could eat there, and that I'll feel more relaxed in general being in a familiar setting. Better able to handle any anxiety brought on by the food or socializing.
This seems like such an effective strategy, I don't know why it took me so long to realize it and start taking advantage of it. Now I won't have to spend the next week looking up directions, taking practice drives, or obsessing over an online menu, trying to find the perfect "safe" dish. Not that I should be doing any of those things anyway, but it's nice to be able to take something extremely stressful and overwhelming and turn it into something slightly more manageable, even if it will still be a challenge.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
accomplishments
I finally did it. I made a doctor's appointment for a check-up. It's at the end of August, and I'm already really worried about it. I can't even put my finger on why exactly, but I guess it's a fear that I'll find out I have some horrible health problem. Or that I have one, but it won't be identified, because I will forget to bring something up or describe something incorrectly. I feel like I should make some long list of all my concerns to take with me, so I don't forget anything. But that would probably be annoying, huh?
I also have been trying to take better care of myself physically - exercising and eating healthy. I wouldn't say I'm doing either enough, but I'm keeping it in mind as a constant goal, and I have been doing better than usual. Last Friday I took the day off work and dedicated the day to relaxation. I didn't speak all day (just thought it'd be nice to have an atmosphere of absolute quiet). I tried to eat all my meals mindfully. I took a long walk around town (it was a gorgeous sunny day) and then did about 45 minutes of yoga. I worked on some writing projects and then later that evening, I listened to my meditation CD. It was the perfect vacation day.
Then over the weekend, I went to see the new Pixar movie Brave. There were of course children in the theater, and as a general rule, I try to stay away from them. They scare me quite a bit, because I see them as being constantly sick. Seriously, it seems like my (almost 2 year old) nephew is sick with something different every single week, sometimes things I have never heard of. But I was able to handle the movie without feeling much extra anxiety. I tensed up slightly every time one of the children walked by me and kind of leaned away from them. That was about it. The movie was incredible, by the way. It was the best kids' movie I've seen in a long time.
After the movie, I went out to eat at a restaurant I've only been to once before. I was really hungry and ate a lot, including dessert. I only had a little anxiety, and it was in the car after leaving, when I realized how full I felt. But it (the anxiety) passed quickly.
I'm so happy with all of this. I feel like I'm doing really well, other than freaking out about the doctor's appointment. It's not for a while, which could either mean I have plenty of time to calm down about it or that I have plenty of time to get more and more anxious. Of course, that's up to me and what I choose to think, so... time for affirmations!
I also have been trying to take better care of myself physically - exercising and eating healthy. I wouldn't say I'm doing either enough, but I'm keeping it in mind as a constant goal, and I have been doing better than usual. Last Friday I took the day off work and dedicated the day to relaxation. I didn't speak all day (just thought it'd be nice to have an atmosphere of absolute quiet). I tried to eat all my meals mindfully. I took a long walk around town (it was a gorgeous sunny day) and then did about 45 minutes of yoga. I worked on some writing projects and then later that evening, I listened to my meditation CD. It was the perfect vacation day.
Then over the weekend, I went to see the new Pixar movie Brave. There were of course children in the theater, and as a general rule, I try to stay away from them. They scare me quite a bit, because I see them as being constantly sick. Seriously, it seems like my (almost 2 year old) nephew is sick with something different every single week, sometimes things I have never heard of. But I was able to handle the movie without feeling much extra anxiety. I tensed up slightly every time one of the children walked by me and kind of leaned away from them. That was about it. The movie was incredible, by the way. It was the best kids' movie I've seen in a long time.
After the movie, I went out to eat at a restaurant I've only been to once before. I was really hungry and ate a lot, including dessert. I only had a little anxiety, and it was in the car after leaving, when I realized how full I felt. But it (the anxiety) passed quickly.
I'm so happy with all of this. I feel like I'm doing really well, other than freaking out about the doctor's appointment. It's not for a while, which could either mean I have plenty of time to calm down about it or that I have plenty of time to get more and more anxious. Of course, that's up to me and what I choose to think, so... time for affirmations!
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