It's been way too long since I posted here. Last month I was working on another writing project and this month I've been preoccupied with Christmas, trying to think of what to get everyone. Other than that, not much has been happening.
I can only think of two emetophobia-related incidents that happened recently. One good, one not so good.
The not so good one was a couple nights ago when I went out to eat with my wife. I've got to say, I think I've generally been doing really well with eating out at restaurants. I finally figured out how to deal with the situation, because two things happen to me when I eat at a restaurant. One is that I switch over to my "restaurant stomach" or in other words, my stomach appears to shrink in size. I know it must not actually be shrinking, but because of anxiety, I can never eat the amount in a restaurant that I could eat at home. But I always used to anyway. Out of habit, I would eat the same amount of food I typically eat at a meal, and then end up feeling awful. Now I have caught on to this and am forcing myself to eat way less. It usually means I don't even come close to finishing my meal, but oh well. Then I have tasty leftovers to eat later at home when I have my normal stomach back.
The other thing that happens because of anxiety: my throat becomes tight, feels more closed up, and this is mainly where I am still running into problems. I don't tend to notice this sensation in my throat, because it's very subtle, and it's a symptom I'm not that anxious about. But then sometimes when I swallow a bite of food, it feels stuck or like it's going down the wrong way or like I'm choking. That combined with the worries in the back of my mind about throwing up leads to a giant spike of panic. Which is what happened the other night. I'm talking to my wife, everything is good, and then suddenly I get this terrified look on my face as I panic that I'm choking or am going to throw up. The panic was over within a few seconds (aside from my heart continuing to pound for a while) and then I just felt silly and embarrassed. I'm pretty sure no one but my wife saw that look on my face, but the fact that I could not control it made me think about how awful it would have been if someone else had seen it. And made me flash back to all the many, many embarrassing incidents in my past where someone else did see a look like that on my face, including people who had no clue what was happening to me.
I guess I just need to keep this in mind when I go out to eat. Chew more, be conscious of swallowing and such. Sometimes I wonder if it's a good idea to work around these sensations because it feels like I am working with my anxiety instead of against it. But I don't seem to have much of a choice. I regularly go out to eat and that anxiety (so far) is not going away. The level of anxiety varies, of course, based on a million factors from my mood to the weather to whether I watched a movie/show earlier that day that showed someone vomiting. But there is always some level there, so if I want to be able to go out to eat at all, I need to adjust to these two symptoms. And like I said before, I think my adjustments are working out and making it so I can actually enjoy going out to eat, and that's nice. Not something I'm used to being able to enjoy, ever. Even with the brief panic the other night, I feel like the meal was a success.
Now for the good emetophobia-related incident. A friend came to stay with us at the end of November. He visits us pretty frequently, and over the last few years, I have been having a difficult time with these visits. Just like with going to restaurants, having someone stay with us makes my base level anxiety go up, and what tends to happen is I start getting a lot of stomach aches, almost constant stomach aches, especially if we go out anywhere. And when your friend comes to stay with you, they don't want to just sit around your house the entire time. And to make things even worse, I find it almost impossible to hide the fact that I feel sick and miserable or to keep quiet about it. So this friend has had to hear about how I don't feel well a ridiculous amount of the time, and it's a wonder he still comes to visit.
I'm sure you know where this is going. This last visit was practically PERFECT. It was the best time I've had hanging out with him in so long. I can't even say for sure why it went so well. Probably because I expected it to. I was feeling really great physically before he showed up, and I just felt confident that I would continue to feel great, that I could keep up the momentum of feeling good, if that makes sense. I was determined to. I've been feeling very guilty about what a terrible friend / hostess I've been.
As soon as he arrived, we went out to eat, and I ate more than I think I have in several years while at a restaurant with someone other than my wife. After that, we went somewhere else before going back home, which would normally make me very anxious (I always want to go straight home to digest and recover from the experience), and I was fine. We also went to see the movie Catching Fire (second in the Hunger Games series), and it was opening weekend, which meant the theater was completely packed. I was sure I would end up panicking at least a little during the movie, but nope, didn't happen, and I even had some popcorn. Also, he takes a bus when he comes to visit, and the bus station where we pick him up is a long drive from our house, about two hours one-way. I got through all eight hours of driving without any high anxiety periods (seriously, a miracle)!
It was like I was a normal person for a whole weekend. He's coming to visit again in about two weeks, and I'm excited. Because now I know it's possible, that I'm capable of handling it without any problems. Maybe it won't be absolutely perfect again, but I'm at least positive that I won't be the complete downer I've grown so accustomed to being.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
emetophobia and high school
I hate having emetophobia, obviously. It impacts every area of my life and generally makes everything a little more difficult. But I’ve been thinking lately about what it was like to have this phobia during high school, and I have to say that was probably one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced – getting through every single day of those four years while having to deal with this fear. I’m so glad to have that behind me and have the utmost respect for anyone still in that situation, because it is incredibly difficult.
You are pretty much trapped in one building for the entire day, going straight from one class to another. You have all the usual stress of schoolwork, interacting with your classmates (some of them nice, some of them psychotic), interacting with teachers and counselors and administrators and security guards and bus drivers (some of them nice, some of them psychotic), and then when you add anxiety issues and panic attacks to all of that, things start to get incredibly messed up.
I definitely made the situation worse, because I didn’t take care of myself physically in any way. I thought it was fine to get four to six hours of sleep a night. I usually skipped breakfast and sometimes lunch too. Many days I just ate one giant meal after I got home from school and that was it. Plus my diet consisted mostly of things like frozen pizza and soda (yes, tons and tons of caffeine), which I guess is pretty normal for adolescents, but definitely not healthy. I wasn’t even really aware at the time of how unhealthy all this was, but I’m certain it’s the reason I had horrible stomach aches so frequently.
I’ve been remembering some of the ways I used to cope with these stomach aches and the anxiety that came along with them. For the most part, my coping skills back then were pretty unhealthy and I would not recommend them, but I’m going to list everything.
***
1) Probably my main coping mechanism was to dig my nails into my skin (usually the backs of my thumbs or other fingers) as a distraction from my stomach hurting. Not the worst form of self-harm, but it did sometimes leave marks that were embarrassing.
2) I skipped school a lot more than I should have because of feeling “sick” when I woke up in the morning.
3) Along the same lines, I went to the nurse’s office an abnormal amount of times and sometimes went home early from school. This fluctuated. I went through periods where I was in the nurse’s office almost every day, and other times it would be more like once a month.
4) I guess you could say skipping breakfast/lunch was a coping skill I used, although a really bad and counterproductive one. I was even afraid to drink anything at times and would end up dehydrating myself.
5) I would leave class to go to the bathroom just to calm myself down. Getting myself out of the classroom where I felt trapped would usually make me feel a lot better, and then I could convince myself that whatever was happening was mostly in my head. But obviously I could only do this one time per class, so I had to try to save it for when I really needed it. Sometimes I would break down early and then regret it later in the class.
6) In my notes for class, I would draw lines, each one representing a minute, for however many minutes were left in the class. I would watch the clock and keep telling myself “I can get through this next minute. I can get through this next minute” and then scribble through each minute line as the minutes passed.
7) I had a bunch of questions I asked myself to try to determine if I was actually ill, like "if I was home right now, would I still be feeling this way?"
8) I heavily relied on my friends. I was open with almost all of them about my phobia. Most of them understood, even if some didn’t grasp the full extent of the problem. My closest friends knew almost everything about it and were an amazing support system. It was so great to be able to talk to them and have them reassure me. They had mental health issues of their own, and we actually had a simple hand code to communicate with each other about how we were feeling (for when we were around a lot of other people, or when we were in class but sitting across the room from each other). Holding up a hand meant “are you okay?” or “what’s going on?” Then two fingers meant the person was sad, three fingers meant the person was fine, four fingers meant the person was anxious. One finger was the response that only I used. It meant “I feel sick” and everything implied along with that.
After a while we started using these numbers in our notes/emails and when speaking to each other too. I can remember many times answering the question “what’s wrong?” with “I feel one” or “oneness.” Even though “oneness” is basically a philosophy of unity/harmony to everyone else in the world, it will always make me think of feeling anxiety-related sickness.
Anyway, having that code and knowing that I usually had someone around who would understand how I was feeling was a big comfort to me.
***
I would say numbers 5-8 are the only good responses, and #5 is iffy since it’s better to wait out your anxiety than flee the situation you’re in.
I so wish I had been aware of all the anxiety-reducing techniques I know now during those years. I know just making the changes to my diet and sleep schedule would have had such a huge impact on how I felt, and using affirmations, mindfulness, and breathing techniques would have helped with the rest.
But I would recommend telling friends if at all possible. Unless your friends are jerks and you know they would only use the information to make fun of you or torment you (in which case it might be a good idea to get some new friends), having them know takes so much pressure off. Before I started telling people, it felt like this huge weight/burden and this shameful secret I had to keep, and that tended to make the anxiety attacks even worse, feeling like I was not just trapped in the situation and in the feeling of anxiety but also trapped inside my mind, alone, with the secret of what was happening to me.
I still find that in any situation where I feel anxious, if I can say it out loud to the person I’m with, it helps diffuse a lot of the anxiety. And most people are understanding about it, many more than I would have imagined back when I tried to hide it.
In general, I was embarrassed by the way I acted a lot of the time in high school. I’m still embarrassed thinking back on some of these things. So I just want to say that if anyone reading this is in high school and feels this way, cut yourself some slack. Emetophobia and high school don’t mix well. You’re basically a superhero for every day you deal with both. Whatever you can do to get through it (aside from hurting yourself/others), it won’t be that big a deal in the long run. And college (where you have a little more freedom to design your schedule and can include breaks between your classes) is not nearly as terrible.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
obsessive thoughts
I can't decide if I'm doing a particularly good job lately of living by the "emetophobia shmemetophobia" motto. I guess in some ways. But I've been noticing many areas where I need serious improvement.
I volunteered to help out at an event at my old college this weekend. I was at a registration table for some of Friday and most of Saturday, which meant having to socialize with a lot of people (and reflect on how terrible my social skills are, but that's a whole other issue).
It was early afternoon on Friday when I first got there, and one of the very first things that happened - I mean, probably within fifteen minutes of me showing up - was that a janitor walked by and stopped to inform me that I should be glad I hadn't been around this morning, because someone had thrown up in that room. She of course didn't know about my phobia and was just following that weird custom of gossiping about any vomit one has seen or heard about recently. I don't quite understand why people love to do this - maybe they feel compelled to because of their own disgust over the situation. I've encountered it many times in my life, but this was probably the first time in several years. It gave me déjà vu, because it's always so similar with the person lowering their voice and giving you this sly and almost gleeful smile. I've got something good, it's really really good, it's going to make me super popular with everyone, because it's about vomit! It's stuff like this that makes me want to stay home and never interact with anyone again.
She didn't give too much detail except to say it was "gross" and that it had all been cleaned up, but after she left I could not stop thinking about it. Wondering where it had been. Was I sitting right on top of it. Wondering, of course, if it had been from sickness or drunkenness or something else. I couldn't let it go, and it tainted the whole weekend for me.
My one success is that I still ate, and I ate pretty normal amounts. I'm proud of myself for that, because having heard this story, I didn't particularly want to anymore. I also only had one brief period (about five to ten seconds) of feeling on the verge of panic because of imaginary "sick" feelings. The rest of the time I felt fine.
But I couldn't bring myself to eat in the campus dining hall (the closest available food) and walked to a restaurant in town instead. The dining hall is buffet style, and I kept thinking the most likely way to catch any sickness going around would be to share food with all the students.
What really bums me out about this is that when I was a student there, I ate in that dining hall almost every single day and usually didn't worry about it that much. Now it seems like a terrible and dangerous idea. I've been thinking about this and realizing that my germophobic tendencies have gotten much worse since college. I guess that makes sense, because these days I am usually at home, which means I feel like I'm rarely in contact with other people's germs. That's not true at all. I still go out places, and even if I didn't, my wife does, and other people come to visit here occasionally. I'm not at all isolated, I just have the illusion of being isolated. It makes me feel safer, and then on the other hand it makes me much more anxious about certain situations and places that I used to be able to handle.
Logically I know that someone has probably thrown up in every single room on that campus, and that it was even happening when I was living there. I lived there for four years and encountered plenty of illnesses. I caught a lot of colds but managed to avoid the stomach bugs. Possibly that was just luck. Either way, it makes much more sense that I would have gotten sick then, while living there, than now, when I was just working there for the weekend. But it didn't feel that way to me. I felt like I left the safety of my apartment and walked into a hotbed of various illnesses.
On both days, the first thing I did when I got home was put my clothes in the hamper and jump in the shower. Then I thought about how that behavior has been gradually developing over the past few years, where I feel the need to get rid of all contact with the outside world when I come home from certain places that I feel were particularly dirty or germ-filled. In some of the books on OCD I've read, they talked about how people with extreme germ-focused OCD will have "outside clothes" and then have to change into their inside/home clothes as soon as they get home. This reminds me of that, and while the thought of me getting to that point seems ridiculous right now, I probably shouldn't dismiss the possibility. Which is unsettling.
All that extra anxiety just because I happened to hear about an instance of vomit that happened that day, even though it's likely happening all the time without me hearing about it. It's so difficult to get something like that out of your head once it's in there. It makes me think about how I watched the original short for the horror movie Mama on Youtube a few weeks ago and ever since then, I can't stop myself from imagining her standing behind me at night when I turn off the lights to go to bed. I normally don't let myself watch anything in the horror genre anymore. It was a tiny act of defiance (against my own limitations) that was clearly oh so stupid.
Sometimes I stop right before I flip the light switch and wait until I can think of something that is not scary that will hold my attention long enough for me to get to the bed. Sometimes that works. I wish that technique was as effective in the emetophobia situations, but there is no destination point (like the bed) where it feels like the obsessive thoughts can be let go, so instead I just have to keep reminding myself to replace them with positive thoughts, over and over and over.
I volunteered to help out at an event at my old college this weekend. I was at a registration table for some of Friday and most of Saturday, which meant having to socialize with a lot of people (and reflect on how terrible my social skills are, but that's a whole other issue).
It was early afternoon on Friday when I first got there, and one of the very first things that happened - I mean, probably within fifteen minutes of me showing up - was that a janitor walked by and stopped to inform me that I should be glad I hadn't been around this morning, because someone had thrown up in that room. She of course didn't know about my phobia and was just following that weird custom of gossiping about any vomit one has seen or heard about recently. I don't quite understand why people love to do this - maybe they feel compelled to because of their own disgust over the situation. I've encountered it many times in my life, but this was probably the first time in several years. It gave me déjà vu, because it's always so similar with the person lowering their voice and giving you this sly and almost gleeful smile. I've got something good, it's really really good, it's going to make me super popular with everyone, because it's about vomit! It's stuff like this that makes me want to stay home and never interact with anyone again.
She didn't give too much detail except to say it was "gross" and that it had all been cleaned up, but after she left I could not stop thinking about it. Wondering where it had been. Was I sitting right on top of it. Wondering, of course, if it had been from sickness or drunkenness or something else. I couldn't let it go, and it tainted the whole weekend for me.
My one success is that I still ate, and I ate pretty normal amounts. I'm proud of myself for that, because having heard this story, I didn't particularly want to anymore. I also only had one brief period (about five to ten seconds) of feeling on the verge of panic because of imaginary "sick" feelings. The rest of the time I felt fine.
But I couldn't bring myself to eat in the campus dining hall (the closest available food) and walked to a restaurant in town instead. The dining hall is buffet style, and I kept thinking the most likely way to catch any sickness going around would be to share food with all the students.
What really bums me out about this is that when I was a student there, I ate in that dining hall almost every single day and usually didn't worry about it that much. Now it seems like a terrible and dangerous idea. I've been thinking about this and realizing that my germophobic tendencies have gotten much worse since college. I guess that makes sense, because these days I am usually at home, which means I feel like I'm rarely in contact with other people's germs. That's not true at all. I still go out places, and even if I didn't, my wife does, and other people come to visit here occasionally. I'm not at all isolated, I just have the illusion of being isolated. It makes me feel safer, and then on the other hand it makes me much more anxious about certain situations and places that I used to be able to handle.
Logically I know that someone has probably thrown up in every single room on that campus, and that it was even happening when I was living there. I lived there for four years and encountered plenty of illnesses. I caught a lot of colds but managed to avoid the stomach bugs. Possibly that was just luck. Either way, it makes much more sense that I would have gotten sick then, while living there, than now, when I was just working there for the weekend. But it didn't feel that way to me. I felt like I left the safety of my apartment and walked into a hotbed of various illnesses.
On both days, the first thing I did when I got home was put my clothes in the hamper and jump in the shower. Then I thought about how that behavior has been gradually developing over the past few years, where I feel the need to get rid of all contact with the outside world when I come home from certain places that I feel were particularly dirty or germ-filled. In some of the books on OCD I've read, they talked about how people with extreme germ-focused OCD will have "outside clothes" and then have to change into their inside/home clothes as soon as they get home. This reminds me of that, and while the thought of me getting to that point seems ridiculous right now, I probably shouldn't dismiss the possibility. Which is unsettling.
All that extra anxiety just because I happened to hear about an instance of vomit that happened that day, even though it's likely happening all the time without me hearing about it. It's so difficult to get something like that out of your head once it's in there. It makes me think about how I watched the original short for the horror movie Mama on Youtube a few weeks ago and ever since then, I can't stop myself from imagining her standing behind me at night when I turn off the lights to go to bed. I normally don't let myself watch anything in the horror genre anymore. It was a tiny act of defiance (against my own limitations) that was clearly oh so stupid.
Sometimes I stop right before I flip the light switch and wait until I can think of something that is not scary that will hold my attention long enough for me to get to the bed. Sometimes that works. I wish that technique was as effective in the emetophobia situations, but there is no destination point (like the bed) where it feels like the obsessive thoughts can be let go, so instead I just have to keep reminding myself to replace them with positive thoughts, over and over and over.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
a month of nothing / thoughts on family
Last month was the (fun but crazy) Warped Tour, and next month is going to be busy-ish. We're going to have a friend staying here one weekend, and we'll be taking a little trip another weekend to go to a festival. Then I have a check-up near the end of the month, and going to the doctor always stresses me out. So I've been taking this month to relax and do pretty much nothing. Nothing big, anyway. No major challenges.
I got an email from my mother asking me if I would meet her in NYC sometime to hang out. She said she wanted to take me to a play. I know this is contradicting my last two posts, but this is something I can't say yes to. There is a difference between challenging yourself to move a little bit out of your comfort zone and attempting to do something so beyond your comfort zone that you know it can't possibly go well.
About five years ago, I took a trip to NYC with my wife. We spent five days there. She understands what I can handle, and we did everything as low key as possible - didn't plan a ton of things to do, took frequent breaks between activities, spent a ridiculous amount of time in our hotel room. Even though I was with the person who makes me feel safest, and we took all those steps to make it a calm trip, my anxiety was still a huge problem. I suppose I can say that I handled it okay for the most part, but there was one night where I got so anxious that I spent most of the night in the bathtub. I was watching episodes of Family Guy on my iPod trying to drown out the noise of rain hitting our hotel room's air conditioner, because I actually thought it was going to make me go insane if I had to listen to it for one more second.
Looking back on that now, it seems like such an obvious sign of the breakdown that was coming two years later.
I do feel guilty sometimes, because I've cut off my family in a way. It's too expensive and too much of an ordeal anxiety-wise to go down to visit them. I definitely can't go off to meet them in some big city for a Broadway play and a carefree good time. But also, I don't like the idea of them coming here unless I could convince them to do absolutely everything on my terms. I just feel like they don't understand anxiety or at least don't understand what my life is like because of it. I don't know how to explain it to them, and I worry that if I tried, they would think it was something that could be easily and pretty quickly fixed (such as by throwing some medication at the problem) and would see me as an idiot for not having done so already.
So I guess in general, it always feels like a bad idea to even be around them, because who knows what might happen? And then what? I wouldn't be able to explain and/or they wouldn't be able to deal with it. I'm sure it would just result in me feeling embarrassed. It's a weird situation when your family basically doesn't know you at all.
I've been thinking and thinking about this but haven't responded to my mom's email yet (which is about two weeks old at this point), because with all the thinking, I haven't figured out what to say to her. At some point, I have to give them something, so I'll probably suggest they come here. It seems like the easiest option.
I got an email from my mother asking me if I would meet her in NYC sometime to hang out. She said she wanted to take me to a play. I know this is contradicting my last two posts, but this is something I can't say yes to. There is a difference between challenging yourself to move a little bit out of your comfort zone and attempting to do something so beyond your comfort zone that you know it can't possibly go well.
About five years ago, I took a trip to NYC with my wife. We spent five days there. She understands what I can handle, and we did everything as low key as possible - didn't plan a ton of things to do, took frequent breaks between activities, spent a ridiculous amount of time in our hotel room. Even though I was with the person who makes me feel safest, and we took all those steps to make it a calm trip, my anxiety was still a huge problem. I suppose I can say that I handled it okay for the most part, but there was one night where I got so anxious that I spent most of the night in the bathtub. I was watching episodes of Family Guy on my iPod trying to drown out the noise of rain hitting our hotel room's air conditioner, because I actually thought it was going to make me go insane if I had to listen to it for one more second.
Looking back on that now, it seems like such an obvious sign of the breakdown that was coming two years later.
I do feel guilty sometimes, because I've cut off my family in a way. It's too expensive and too much of an ordeal anxiety-wise to go down to visit them. I definitely can't go off to meet them in some big city for a Broadway play and a carefree good time. But also, I don't like the idea of them coming here unless I could convince them to do absolutely everything on my terms. I just feel like they don't understand anxiety or at least don't understand what my life is like because of it. I don't know how to explain it to them, and I worry that if I tried, they would think it was something that could be easily and pretty quickly fixed (such as by throwing some medication at the problem) and would see me as an idiot for not having done so already.
So I guess in general, it always feels like a bad idea to even be around them, because who knows what might happen? And then what? I wouldn't be able to explain and/or they wouldn't be able to deal with it. I'm sure it would just result in me feeling embarrassed. It's a weird situation when your family basically doesn't know you at all.
I've been thinking and thinking about this but haven't responded to my mom's email yet (which is about two weeks old at this point), because with all the thinking, I haven't figured out what to say to her. At some point, I have to give them something, so I'll probably suggest they come here. It seems like the easiest option.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
warped tour!
Last weekend I went to the Warped Tour music festival for the first time ever. It's a pretty intense event and I imagine it'd be intimidating for anyone with anxiety issues. With my blend of emetophobia and social anxiety, I considered it a major accomplishment that I even made it inside the festival. Before it opens, a line forms outside that is not really a line at all, but more a gigantic chaotic blob of people moving every which way. It was the biggest crowd I'd been part of in a long time. I was lucky to have two feet of personal space in any direction. As it got closer to the opening time, it was more like half a foot as everyone started pushing forward and compressing.
Also during this wait, lesser-known bands were walking through the crowd asking people in line to listen to their music and buy their CD/mp3. Which meant having to talk to people I didn't know and use headphones that tons of other people had been wearing before me.
Aside from the stress of interacting with the people, it was insanely hot, which was my main worry emetophobia-wise. I was very concerned that the heat would make me sick. I rarely spend that much time in the sun, and it was 80-90 degrees. I only had one bottle of water that I was trying to conserve while waiting in the line, but then the event workers made me pour it out on the way inside (only one water bottle is allowed, but it must be sealed if you want to take it in). Basically, they want you to buy the drinks and food they are selling inside that is mega-expensive. But at least their drinks are packed in ice, so I was happy when I bought my new water bottle. I could hold it against my neck and get some relief from the heat.
Even though there was a lot more space inside the festival, it was still super crowded with people everywhere. Bands were playing all over the place, so loudly that I could feel the beat in my stomach, which made me worry for a moment that this would cause me to feel sick or panic. But with all this going on, I managed to keep it together and felt really calm the entire time I was there.
I only stayed about two or three hours, because it was just too hot and after a while I felt like I couldn't stand it anymore. I was all sweaty and sunburned (I wore sunscreen but didn't put enough on my face/neck) and started to feel dizzy, probably from hunger and dehydration. They don't let you leave and then come back, so I knew that if I stayed for most of the event, I would have to eat and drink while there. But still I let the habits of my anxiety take over and avoided anything but water, partially because I was afraid of getting or feeling sick and partially because I didn't want to use the public restrooms that were constantly packed with people. I'm sure this contributed to the dizziness/exhaustion I felt after a while that prompted me to leave much sooner than I would have wanted.
Still, I'm thrilled that I went and was able to have a good time for the most part. I can hardly believe how chill I was, especially considering how nervous I had been in the hours, days, weeks before I went. I had been obsessing about this for so long and feeling like I probably couldn't handle it at all.
But as I said in my post last month, I am trying to say yes to whatever comes along and to try things, even if I think they won't go well. There were many times I desperately wanted to back out of going. I was able to get through this because I kept saying to myself "maybe I won't be able to handle the whole event, but I can at least do this next small step." When I thought about calling it off in the days before I left, I told myself there was no need to make that decision yet. When I thought about turning the car around and driving back home while heading to the event (which was about three hours away), I told myself I would at least make the drive, and I could always turn around once I got there. When I thought about walking away when I saw that giant crowd of people standing in line, fanning themselves, I told myself I could at least try joining them and see how long I could deal with that. On and on, until I was inside actually enjoying myself.
Plus, now that it's over and I have a clearer idea of what it's like, I imagine I'll be able to handle it even better if I go again next year. I will definitely make sure to eat and drink more so that I have more energy and can stay longer, enjoy more bands.
Also during this wait, lesser-known bands were walking through the crowd asking people in line to listen to their music and buy their CD/mp3. Which meant having to talk to people I didn't know and use headphones that tons of other people had been wearing before me.
Aside from the stress of interacting with the people, it was insanely hot, which was my main worry emetophobia-wise. I was very concerned that the heat would make me sick. I rarely spend that much time in the sun, and it was 80-90 degrees. I only had one bottle of water that I was trying to conserve while waiting in the line, but then the event workers made me pour it out on the way inside (only one water bottle is allowed, but it must be sealed if you want to take it in). Basically, they want you to buy the drinks and food they are selling inside that is mega-expensive. But at least their drinks are packed in ice, so I was happy when I bought my new water bottle. I could hold it against my neck and get some relief from the heat.
Even though there was a lot more space inside the festival, it was still super crowded with people everywhere. Bands were playing all over the place, so loudly that I could feel the beat in my stomach, which made me worry for a moment that this would cause me to feel sick or panic. But with all this going on, I managed to keep it together and felt really calm the entire time I was there.
I only stayed about two or three hours, because it was just too hot and after a while I felt like I couldn't stand it anymore. I was all sweaty and sunburned (I wore sunscreen but didn't put enough on my face/neck) and started to feel dizzy, probably from hunger and dehydration. They don't let you leave and then come back, so I knew that if I stayed for most of the event, I would have to eat and drink while there. But still I let the habits of my anxiety take over and avoided anything but water, partially because I was afraid of getting or feeling sick and partially because I didn't want to use the public restrooms that were constantly packed with people. I'm sure this contributed to the dizziness/exhaustion I felt after a while that prompted me to leave much sooner than I would have wanted.
Still, I'm thrilled that I went and was able to have a good time for the most part. I can hardly believe how chill I was, especially considering how nervous I had been in the hours, days, weeks before I went. I had been obsessing about this for so long and feeling like I probably couldn't handle it at all.
But as I said in my post last month, I am trying to say yes to whatever comes along and to try things, even if I think they won't go well. There were many times I desperately wanted to back out of going. I was able to get through this because I kept saying to myself "maybe I won't be able to handle the whole event, but I can at least do this next small step." When I thought about calling it off in the days before I left, I told myself there was no need to make that decision yet. When I thought about turning the car around and driving back home while heading to the event (which was about three hours away), I told myself I would at least make the drive, and I could always turn around once I got there. When I thought about walking away when I saw that giant crowd of people standing in line, fanning themselves, I told myself I could at least try joining them and see how long I could deal with that. On and on, until I was inside actually enjoying myself.
Plus, now that it's over and I have a clearer idea of what it's like, I imagine I'll be able to handle it even better if I go again next year. I will definitely make sure to eat and drink more so that I have more energy and can stay longer, enjoy more bands.
Friday, June 28, 2013
infographic / spreading awareness
Sunday, June 23, 2013
when in doubt, say yes
There hasn't been much change with my phobia lately. I still feel "sick" at least once a day, usually when I know I have to go somewhere soon or I'm already out somewhere. Or when it's early morning and I've woken up for some reason and want to get back to sleep.
For the most part, I don't feel a lot of anxiety, and I've also gotten way better at ignoring the fake sick feelings and moving on. But it feels like I've hit a plateau and can't get to the next level. I never want to do anything but sit around at home. I have to be talked into going anywhere. I'm even anxious at the thought of going on a walk around the neighborhood, because what if I start feeling ill and I'm several blocks away from home?
I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't new at all. I have been reluctant to leave the house almost my entire life. My friends in middle and high school usually had to talk me into going to the movies with them. I would always worry about it, especially if there were going to be people there who didn't know me that well and didn't know about my anxiety issues. What would they think if I started panicking? In other words, it's an ingrained habit to want to say no, one that may take a long time to change.
I guess I'm lucky in that I've always been aware that if I didn't keep forcing myself to do these things, day after day, year after year, it would quickly lead to very bad consequences (as in being unable to even walk out my front door). I've always told myself things like "you have to do this. You didn't do the last three things. Now do this one because none of them are ever going to be safe enough."
I do feel like I've gotten worse with regards to my tendency to want to be home. I lost the momentum I had in school, having a larger circle of friends, people who always wanted to hang out, events to go to, classes to attend. I started working from home, and now it sometimes feels like I don't even know how to be in public anymore.
But I also think I've gotten better in the past couple years at forcing myself to go out when the opportunity arises. It's definitely been my mantra this year - "when in doubt, say yes." If I'm unsure about doing something, if I'm thinking things like "I'm anxious about the idea of going to hang out with people" or "what if I get sick on this car ride?" or "what if this other bad thing happens?" then I take that as a clear sign that I have to go. That it would be bad for my mental health if I didn't. I don't want to let any of those thoughts dictate what I do, especially when it means I'm going to end up sitting at home watching TV some more. Even though I feel like that is what I'd rather do, and forcing myself to go somewhere else feels like self-punishment, I usually end up having a good time and am happy I went.
It's hard to work up the courage, and I've been forcing myself to think things like "so what if I go on this walk and end up getting sick three blocks away from home?" and trying to convince myself that I believe what I'm telling myself. I know I don't actually feel nonchalant about the possibility of that happening, but it works well enough for me to take the small risk of walking out the door. It works well enough for me to focus on the fact that I don't feel sick at that moment, and if I feel sick a few minutes later, after I've already left, oh well. I'll deal with those moments when I get to them.
It works for other situations too. Like sleeping. Sometimes I will be afraid to go to sleep because I don't feel well. It used to be that I would take that as a sign that I should stay up and wait until the "sick" feeling passed and I could be sure it was safe to sleep. Now I will go to bed anyway, and I tell myself that this doesn't necessarily mean I have to go to sleep. I'm not going to sleep, I'm just going to go lie in bed and see what happens. But once I'm lying in bed, in the dark, tired, I can't stop myself from drifting off even if I'm still half-worrying in the back of my mind.
And eating. I used to refuse to eat if I didn't feel well, even after I realized that lack of eating (low blood sugar) can also make you feel sick. Now I'm training myself to go get food when I don't feel well and haven't eaten in a while. It could be low blood sugar. Maybe not, but I'll eat at least a few bites of something and see what happens. Usually it starts to make me feel better and I eat the whole thing.
So basically, whatever my phobia is telling me I shouldn't do, I am doing. I think it's working out pretty well. I went on a weekend trip recently to a place that was a 3-hour drive away. I went to game night at a friend's house. I've been taking walks regularly. I've been saying yes to whatever comes up. I still wish I could get to the point where I actually wanted to say yes, but I may be far away from that point, and in the meantime, I'm happy to report that most of my yes-es are turning out to be fun enjoyable experiences.
For the most part, I don't feel a lot of anxiety, and I've also gotten way better at ignoring the fake sick feelings and moving on. But it feels like I've hit a plateau and can't get to the next level. I never want to do anything but sit around at home. I have to be talked into going anywhere. I'm even anxious at the thought of going on a walk around the neighborhood, because what if I start feeling ill and I'm several blocks away from home?
I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't new at all. I have been reluctant to leave the house almost my entire life. My friends in middle and high school usually had to talk me into going to the movies with them. I would always worry about it, especially if there were going to be people there who didn't know me that well and didn't know about my anxiety issues. What would they think if I started panicking? In other words, it's an ingrained habit to want to say no, one that may take a long time to change.
I guess I'm lucky in that I've always been aware that if I didn't keep forcing myself to do these things, day after day, year after year, it would quickly lead to very bad consequences (as in being unable to even walk out my front door). I've always told myself things like "you have to do this. You didn't do the last three things. Now do this one because none of them are ever going to be safe enough."
I do feel like I've gotten worse with regards to my tendency to want to be home. I lost the momentum I had in school, having a larger circle of friends, people who always wanted to hang out, events to go to, classes to attend. I started working from home, and now it sometimes feels like I don't even know how to be in public anymore.
But I also think I've gotten better in the past couple years at forcing myself to go out when the opportunity arises. It's definitely been my mantra this year - "when in doubt, say yes." If I'm unsure about doing something, if I'm thinking things like "I'm anxious about the idea of going to hang out with people" or "what if I get sick on this car ride?" or "what if this other bad thing happens?" then I take that as a clear sign that I have to go. That it would be bad for my mental health if I didn't. I don't want to let any of those thoughts dictate what I do, especially when it means I'm going to end up sitting at home watching TV some more. Even though I feel like that is what I'd rather do, and forcing myself to go somewhere else feels like self-punishment, I usually end up having a good time and am happy I went.
It's hard to work up the courage, and I've been forcing myself to think things like "so what if I go on this walk and end up getting sick three blocks away from home?" and trying to convince myself that I believe what I'm telling myself. I know I don't actually feel nonchalant about the possibility of that happening, but it works well enough for me to take the small risk of walking out the door. It works well enough for me to focus on the fact that I don't feel sick at that moment, and if I feel sick a few minutes later, after I've already left, oh well. I'll deal with those moments when I get to them.
It works for other situations too. Like sleeping. Sometimes I will be afraid to go to sleep because I don't feel well. It used to be that I would take that as a sign that I should stay up and wait until the "sick" feeling passed and I could be sure it was safe to sleep. Now I will go to bed anyway, and I tell myself that this doesn't necessarily mean I have to go to sleep. I'm not going to sleep, I'm just going to go lie in bed and see what happens. But once I'm lying in bed, in the dark, tired, I can't stop myself from drifting off even if I'm still half-worrying in the back of my mind.
And eating. I used to refuse to eat if I didn't feel well, even after I realized that lack of eating (low blood sugar) can also make you feel sick. Now I'm training myself to go get food when I don't feel well and haven't eaten in a while. It could be low blood sugar. Maybe not, but I'll eat at least a few bites of something and see what happens. Usually it starts to make me feel better and I eat the whole thing.
So basically, whatever my phobia is telling me I shouldn't do, I am doing. I think it's working out pretty well. I went on a weekend trip recently to a place that was a 3-hour drive away. I went to game night at a friend's house. I've been taking walks regularly. I've been saying yes to whatever comes up. I still wish I could get to the point where I actually wanted to say yes, but I may be far away from that point, and in the meantime, I'm happy to report that most of my yes-es are turning out to be fun enjoyable experiences.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
list of self-help books
I'm pretty sure I've talked about all of these books before in other posts, but I thought it might be helpful to have them all listed in one place.
If you're not able to get any of these, please check out this post where I linked to some great free websites that help guide you through anxiety-fighting techniques.
1) The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook - Edmund J. Bourne
If you can only buy one book from this list, this should be the one you get. In my opinion, it is the best book on anxiety out there. It covers so many different skills, techniques, and exercises. It has information on all the different anxiety disorders, anxiety-related research, types of medication, good nutrition and exercise habits, etc.
The only downfall is that if you're in the middle of an anxiety crisis, the amount of information it contains can be a little overwhelming. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I wouldn't sit down and read through the entire book all at once. It is more manageable one chapter at a time. Each one gives you so much to think about that it is probably better to take breaks anyway, just to let it all sink in.
2) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies - Rhena Branch and Rob Willson
This book was very helpful for me. I was new to trying any kind of CBT work, and it lays out the methods in simple, easy to understand ways. It has tons of exercises to work through (charts to fill out, questions to answer) to understand the faulty/irrational ways you think/act and to help you correct those thoughts and behaviors. It also includes chapters on using CBT to help with depression, low self-esteem, maintaining relationships. I skipped most of that and only worked through the anxiety-focused chapters.
3) Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life - Steven C. Hayes and Spencer Smith
I've been meaning to take a second look at this one. I really didn't care for it when I started working through it the first time. It focuses on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and I am a much bigger fan of CBT than ACT. ACT teaches that rather than trying to control your thoughts, you should just accept them and learn to live your life with the anxiety (or other unpleasant emotional pain), still doing everything you want to despite the problems you have.
For one thing, I feel it is possible to control your thoughts and change your behaviors. It's extremely difficult, but I have seen it happen in small ways with myself. For another thing, when it comes to emetophobia, I get confused as to how you can just accept it the way it is and push yourself to live your life. But I don't think I got far enough in the book to be able to say I fully understand their method.
4) Living with Emetophobia: Coping with Extreme Fear of Vomiting - Nicolette Heaton-Harris
I wrote a detailed post about this book after I read it. To summarize, I feel it is a helpful book if you are looking for validation of your issue, a detailed description of your problem and everything you have to deal with, or if you want someone else to understand and you are looking for a book to explain emetophobia to them. The book is about the author's experience of living with emetophobia, and if you have emetophobia too, it's likely you'll relate to most of it. It's also likely that there are some anxiety thoughts that the author has but you don't have, and the book could be triggering in that sense. You could end up acquiring new anxiety thoughts/behaviors, so I would be careful when reading this one, if you decide to.
5) The Miracle of Mindfulness - Thich Nhat Hanh
This book is an in-depth look at meditation and mindfulness, two techniques that can be helpful in fighting anxiety. There is also a lot of Buddhism in the book. I'm not a very religious or spiritual person. But you can skim past those parts. I would say probably the best part of the book is near the end, the section called "Exercises in Mindfulness". There is also a section after that called "Selection of Buddhist Sutras" - both of these sections can give you ideas to help with meditation or mindfulness.
6) Overcoming Health Anxiety - Rob Willson and David Veale
This book is similar to the CBT workbook for dummies. It walks you through CBT techniques and exercises, only in this book it specifically applies them to health anxiety. I have a lot of general health anxiety on top of emetophobia, so I found it really helpful.
The book also contains a chapter dedicated to emetophobia. I didn't think that chapter was as helpful as the rest of the book. I would say the same thing about it as the Living with Emetophobia book described above - it is a good description of emetophobia, but it could be triggering and give you more things to worry about that you hadn't been worrying about before. It had that effect on me, but luckily, by now I think I've forgotten all the new worries it gave me. If I was reading the book over now, I would just skip that chapter. The exercises in the rest of the book can be applied to emetophobia as well as any other health anxiety.
7) Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder - Jonathan Grayson
I don't have OCD, but during the time period where my anxiety was the worst, I started having a bunch of horrible intrusive thoughts/obsessions that bothered me even more than my emetophobia. I bought this to try to figure out how to deal with those, and it is an amazing book. I would actually recommend it to anyone with an anxiety problem, even if it's not OCD.
The premise of the book is that for people with OCD (and I would say any anxiety disorder), their main problem is that they are unable to accept uncertainty in life. This is so true for me, and it's something I've thought about frequently ever since reading this. So if I was worrying I was sick, instead of telling myself that it is extremely unlikely that I will get sick and in CBT-fashion using logic to try to prove that, I would tell myself "you might get sick, and you should deal with that possibility because the alternative of not being able to deal with it is ruining your life." I suppose it might be similar to ACT (acceptance of anxiety versus fighting it), but the way the author related it all to the fear of uncertainty made so much more sense to me. The book also focuses on exposure and response prevention, or exposing yourself to your fears and then preventing yourself from engaging in irrational behaviors as a result.
Just a warning, a large chunk of the book deals with specific OCD problems, like checking, counting, etc., and if you don't have those issues, there is probably no need for you to read any of that. I felt the rest of it was worth getting through those (for me) unnecessary sections.
If you're not able to get any of these, please check out this post where I linked to some great free websites that help guide you through anxiety-fighting techniques.
1) The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook - Edmund J. Bourne
If you can only buy one book from this list, this should be the one you get. In my opinion, it is the best book on anxiety out there. It covers so many different skills, techniques, and exercises. It has information on all the different anxiety disorders, anxiety-related research, types of medication, good nutrition and exercise habits, etc.
The only downfall is that if you're in the middle of an anxiety crisis, the amount of information it contains can be a little overwhelming. If you are feeling overwhelmed, I wouldn't sit down and read through the entire book all at once. It is more manageable one chapter at a time. Each one gives you so much to think about that it is probably better to take breaks anyway, just to let it all sink in.
2) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies - Rhena Branch and Rob Willson
This book was very helpful for me. I was new to trying any kind of CBT work, and it lays out the methods in simple, easy to understand ways. It has tons of exercises to work through (charts to fill out, questions to answer) to understand the faulty/irrational ways you think/act and to help you correct those thoughts and behaviors. It also includes chapters on using CBT to help with depression, low self-esteem, maintaining relationships. I skipped most of that and only worked through the anxiety-focused chapters.
3) Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life - Steven C. Hayes and Spencer Smith
I've been meaning to take a second look at this one. I really didn't care for it when I started working through it the first time. It focuses on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and I am a much bigger fan of CBT than ACT. ACT teaches that rather than trying to control your thoughts, you should just accept them and learn to live your life with the anxiety (or other unpleasant emotional pain), still doing everything you want to despite the problems you have.
For one thing, I feel it is possible to control your thoughts and change your behaviors. It's extremely difficult, but I have seen it happen in small ways with myself. For another thing, when it comes to emetophobia, I get confused as to how you can just accept it the way it is and push yourself to live your life. But I don't think I got far enough in the book to be able to say I fully understand their method.
4) Living with Emetophobia: Coping with Extreme Fear of Vomiting - Nicolette Heaton-Harris
I wrote a detailed post about this book after I read it. To summarize, I feel it is a helpful book if you are looking for validation of your issue, a detailed description of your problem and everything you have to deal with, or if you want someone else to understand and you are looking for a book to explain emetophobia to them. The book is about the author's experience of living with emetophobia, and if you have emetophobia too, it's likely you'll relate to most of it. It's also likely that there are some anxiety thoughts that the author has but you don't have, and the book could be triggering in that sense. You could end up acquiring new anxiety thoughts/behaviors, so I would be careful when reading this one, if you decide to.
5) The Miracle of Mindfulness - Thich Nhat Hanh
This book is an in-depth look at meditation and mindfulness, two techniques that can be helpful in fighting anxiety. There is also a lot of Buddhism in the book. I'm not a very religious or spiritual person. But you can skim past those parts. I would say probably the best part of the book is near the end, the section called "Exercises in Mindfulness". There is also a section after that called "Selection of Buddhist Sutras" - both of these sections can give you ideas to help with meditation or mindfulness.
6) Overcoming Health Anxiety - Rob Willson and David Veale
This book is similar to the CBT workbook for dummies. It walks you through CBT techniques and exercises, only in this book it specifically applies them to health anxiety. I have a lot of general health anxiety on top of emetophobia, so I found it really helpful.
The book also contains a chapter dedicated to emetophobia. I didn't think that chapter was as helpful as the rest of the book. I would say the same thing about it as the Living with Emetophobia book described above - it is a good description of emetophobia, but it could be triggering and give you more things to worry about that you hadn't been worrying about before. It had that effect on me, but luckily, by now I think I've forgotten all the new worries it gave me. If I was reading the book over now, I would just skip that chapter. The exercises in the rest of the book can be applied to emetophobia as well as any other health anxiety.
7) Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder - Jonathan Grayson
I don't have OCD, but during the time period where my anxiety was the worst, I started having a bunch of horrible intrusive thoughts/obsessions that bothered me even more than my emetophobia. I bought this to try to figure out how to deal with those, and it is an amazing book. I would actually recommend it to anyone with an anxiety problem, even if it's not OCD.
The premise of the book is that for people with OCD (and I would say any anxiety disorder), their main problem is that they are unable to accept uncertainty in life. This is so true for me, and it's something I've thought about frequently ever since reading this. So if I was worrying I was sick, instead of telling myself that it is extremely unlikely that I will get sick and in CBT-fashion using logic to try to prove that, I would tell myself "you might get sick, and you should deal with that possibility because the alternative of not being able to deal with it is ruining your life." I suppose it might be similar to ACT (acceptance of anxiety versus fighting it), but the way the author related it all to the fear of uncertainty made so much more sense to me. The book also focuses on exposure and response prevention, or exposing yourself to your fears and then preventing yourself from engaging in irrational behaviors as a result.
Just a warning, a large chunk of the book deals with specific OCD problems, like checking, counting, etc., and if you don't have those issues, there is probably no need for you to read any of that. I felt the rest of it was worth getting through those (for me) unnecessary sections.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
eating healthy
It seems to be a trend that people with emetophobia are not the healthiest eaters. Which is funny, since we spend so much time and effort trying to avoid getting sick and thinking about how we can stay healthy.
But really, it does make sense. If you are anxious about food and want to find the "safest" thing, the thing that will be least likely to impact your stomach or digestive system in any way, the thing that you feel is the least dirty, germy, or unusual - you usually won't go for fruits and vegetables. Those apples that you have to examine before buying and wash before eating are going to seem like the worse choice compared to some sterile standardized package of chips or crackers. Especially when you want something that won't make you feel anything in your stomach. Healthy foods tend to have fiber, which usually will make you feel something, even more so if you're not used to consuming it on a regular basis.
Of course, we all know it's best to eat those fruits and vegetables and that having a diet consisting almost entirely of bland carbs is a bad idea. We should feel our stomachs sometimes! We can't always have them be "turned off" and quiet like we want, or it's likely we will run into health issues later on.
I have always been such an unhealthy eater, and this has been a hard habit to change. Every single year I have made the new year's resolution to eat healthier, or eat more fruits/vegetables, or eat less junk food, or some other variation of that. And every year I would make it about a month before giving up on my resolution.
Until this year when I have actually stuck with my resolution so far, and it has been over four months! A major accomplishment for me, so I thought I'd share how I accomplished it in case it was helpful to anyone else who is having trouble in this area.
First of all, I aimed lower than I usually do. I always want to fix things all at once, immediately, but that really never works out. Most change has to happen slowly, with little steps. So I did not make the usual attempt to eat as healthy as I should be (in other words, to have several servings of fruits/vegetables every day). My goal for this year was to eat one serving of fruit/vegetables each day. Just one serving. And I have stuck with it so far. Which may not seem like much of an achievement, really, but it is the best I have ever done consistently. It is finally a sign of moving in the right direction.
Second, I tried to make the goal more fun by assigning a fruit/vegetable or group of fruits/vegetables to each month that I would focus on eating above all others. Right around the time I start to get sick of one, a new month starts and I am pepped up by the new fruit/vegetable of the month and feel dedicated to my goal again. I'm including my list below. I tried to arrange it based on what is best/freshest in my area around that time.
It's been working out really well, even if I don't eat the fruit/vegetable of the month that often. For example, last month, I didn't feel like cooking brussels sprouts most of the time, so I continued to eat bananas. But just the idea of the brussels sprouts being spot-lighted - the idea that I could try out different brussels sprouts recipes if I wanted to, figure out several different ways to make them delicious - kept me motivated.
But really, it does make sense. If you are anxious about food and want to find the "safest" thing, the thing that will be least likely to impact your stomach or digestive system in any way, the thing that you feel is the least dirty, germy, or unusual - you usually won't go for fruits and vegetables. Those apples that you have to examine before buying and wash before eating are going to seem like the worse choice compared to some sterile standardized package of chips or crackers. Especially when you want something that won't make you feel anything in your stomach. Healthy foods tend to have fiber, which usually will make you feel something, even more so if you're not used to consuming it on a regular basis.
Of course, we all know it's best to eat those fruits and vegetables and that having a diet consisting almost entirely of bland carbs is a bad idea. We should feel our stomachs sometimes! We can't always have them be "turned off" and quiet like we want, or it's likely we will run into health issues later on.
I have always been such an unhealthy eater, and this has been a hard habit to change. Every single year I have made the new year's resolution to eat healthier, or eat more fruits/vegetables, or eat less junk food, or some other variation of that. And every year I would make it about a month before giving up on my resolution.
Until this year when I have actually stuck with my resolution so far, and it has been over four months! A major accomplishment for me, so I thought I'd share how I accomplished it in case it was helpful to anyone else who is having trouble in this area.
First of all, I aimed lower than I usually do. I always want to fix things all at once, immediately, but that really never works out. Most change has to happen slowly, with little steps. So I did not make the usual attempt to eat as healthy as I should be (in other words, to have several servings of fruits/vegetables every day). My goal for this year was to eat one serving of fruit/vegetables each day. Just one serving. And I have stuck with it so far. Which may not seem like much of an achievement, really, but it is the best I have ever done consistently. It is finally a sign of moving in the right direction.
Second, I tried to make the goal more fun by assigning a fruit/vegetable or group of fruits/vegetables to each month that I would focus on eating above all others. Right around the time I start to get sick of one, a new month starts and I am pepped up by the new fruit/vegetable of the month and feel dedicated to my goal again. I'm including my list below. I tried to arrange it based on what is best/freshest in my area around that time.
It's been working out really well, even if I don't eat the fruit/vegetable of the month that often. For example, last month, I didn't feel like cooking brussels sprouts most of the time, so I continued to eat bananas. But just the idea of the brussels sprouts being spot-lighted - the idea that I could try out different brussels sprouts recipes if I wanted to, figure out several different ways to make them delicious - kept me motivated.
- January - lettuce and salad mixes
- February - bananas
- March - brussels sprouts
- April - broccoli, peppers, and onions
- May - "mix it up" month (a chance to eat the fruits/vegetables that aren't represented in the rest of the list because they're not my favorites - carrots, cauliflower, grapes, oranges)
- June - plums, squash
- July - berries
- August - nectarines, peaches, and apricots
- September - tomatoes, avocadoes, and cucumbers
- October - apples
- November - spinach
- December - clementines
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