planning is good

I had a not-fun experience at the end of February / beginning of March. My wife came down with a stomach bug. That hadn’t happened since November 2006. Wow, almost a decade. Back then we were in college and living in a tiny dorm room together. I moved out for a week and stayed with a (wonderfully kind) friend who had a single dorm room.

After college ended, I was always wondering what I would do if it happened again, because I didn’t have any close friends who lived nearby anymore and would be willing to take me in. There were so many times I thought to myself, ‘I should have a plan. I should know exactly what I’m going to do and where I’m going to go. I should have an emergency bag packed and stashed somewhere.’ But of course, I never packed that bag or made that plan. That would have required facing up to the fact that this could actually happen.

So I was not prepared. But everything still worked out okay, better than last time even.

She warned me early in the day that she was not feeling well and didn’t know why, and she said I should feel free to go. I immediately left and spent several hours driving around in circles, sometimes stopping in a parking lot to text her and see what was happening. There were no developments for a while, and I finally drove back home and was thinking about going back inside. But then she texted me that she had just gotten sick and not to come in.

I had of course been really anxious this entire time, but there had been a part of me that thought maybe I was being irrational, overcautious. So it kind of surprised me to get that confirmation that this was really happening. My anxiety shot up to panic level; I suddenly got freezing cold and started shaking. And I didn’t know what to do.

It was a Sunday, meaning I had to work the next day. So I texted her that I was going to need to come in and grab some things before I left. She said she would stay in the bathroom while I was in there, but I was still incredibly nervous the entire time, thinking she might get sick again and I would hear it. Luckily, that didn’t happen. I grabbed my work computer/bag, wires and chargers, Kindle, and an extra book. I was trying to hold my breath the entire time.

I obviously couldn’t go in the bathroom, and I also felt like nothing in the kitchen or bedroom would be safe, so I had no other supplies. No clothes. No toothbrush or any other bathroom supplies. No food. See, this is why a bag packed in advance might have helped. At least with the clothing situation.

First thing I did was call a hotel nearby, and thankfully, they had an available room. They asked how long I’d be staying, and I didn’t know what to say. I said one night, but I might be extending it. They said that was okay, because they weren’t busy.

Next I had to go out and buy all the things I needed that I had not brought with me. Another fortunate coincidence; I happened to have a Walmart gift card in my wallet that had been sitting there for years (because I don’t usually shop at Walmart), and I had been on the verge of donating it. So I used that, and it helped cut down on the cost.

Once I was settled in the hotel, I was generally okay. I was worried in the back of my mind that I might be sick, and I was always thinking about contamination, so I’m sure that resulted in a lot of strange behavior. But emotionally, I was good. No more moments of panic. The hotel had good WiFi, and I was able to work normally; I didn’t have to take any time off.

I checked into the hotel Sunday night. I checked out and went back home Wednesday morning. Which, now that I think about it, seems like an amazingly short period of time. But it was mostly because of money. Even though I technically could have afforded staying in the hotel for a week, it would not have been a wise financial decision.

I was kind of a mess the first day back at home in terms of contamination worries. Not wanting to move, not wanting to touch anything. It was another work day, so at least I had that to distract me part of the day. And I avoided my wife for several more days. I think I slept on the couch for at least another week.

As ridiculous as all this sounds, it is much better than I handled it in 2006. Hopefully this won’t happen again for another decade. I mean, really, I hope it never happens, but I know better than to expect that.

I still haven’t put together an emergency bag. It feels like jinxing myself, which is obviously not true, and it’s a terrible response (or lack of response). Yes, things worked out pretty well this time, but that was largely due to lucky circumstances (including the fact that I’m lucky to have enough money to be able to make these terrible choices). Avoiding making plans changes nothing, except that I will probably (again) end up in a situation where I’m stuck and have to run around frantically and spend more money than I would have had to. So yeah. I need to stop living in denial and get this done. Be responsible and prepared.

reduce anxiety, save the planet!

One of my new year’s resolutions was to be more environmentally friendly. It is kind of a three-part resolution actually, but it all ties together: 1) I am systematically working my way through my apartment, donating or throwing out objects I never use or don’t need (generating trash is not environmentally friendly, but this stuff I never touch is essentially trash anyway – just sitting in my home instead of at the dump); 2) I am buying less new stuff, making sure to only buy what I need, and to buy digital if at all possible – with the double positive result of less junk filling up the apartment (which helps me) and less consumerism (which helps the environment); 3) I am taking whatever other steps I can to reduce my impact on the environment. For example, I finally bought reusable tote bags for shopping, and I have been attempting to reduce the amount of junk mail I get by contacting the places sending the junk mail and asking them to stop (I’m not convinced I’m succeeding yet, but I’m new to the process).

All this has led to me realizing how many of my environmentally harmful habits are related to my anxiety issues:

• Excessive water usage. I am fanatical about avoiding or killing germs, so I take longer showers than I need to. They are probably around 20 minutes, and I’d like to get them below 10 minutes at least. Even worse, I wash my hands way more frequently than is necessary. I got out of bed about 3 hours ago and have already washed them 7 times, and it’s not like I was doing dirty manual labor, intensive messy cooking, or anything apart from my ordinary Sunday morning routine of eating, hanging out, online browsing, writing. I honestly didn’t even bother adding “wash hands less” to my list of mini-goals, because I don’t think I’m ready for that one yet. I already think a lot about ways I can rearrange what I’m doing to cut out one or two of the hand-washes, but beyond that I don’t see how I can stop washing them when I feel it’s absolutely needed – which, due to emetophobia, is unfortunately pretty often. It is my intention to tackle shorter showers though.
  
• Excessive paper towel usage. This is related to the water usage, because once I’ve washed my hands for the purpose of preparing/touching food I’m going to eat, it feels like the only way they remain perfectly clean is if I dry them with a disposable paper towel (as opposed to a reusable dish towel).
  
• Drinking bottled water. Tap water scares me, even though I know that makes no sense – especially because I will have it if I go out to a restaurant, but I’m never willing to drink it at home. There was a brief period of time (a few months, maybe) I tried using a water filter, the kind that attaches directly to the faucet, but then it broke. Other than that, it’s been bottled water for about a decade straight. Which is so horrible for the environment, and that one is definitely on my list to change this year. I think I’m going to try one of those water filter pitchers instead of the faucet type.
  
• Using disposable bowls and silverware. I loathe doing dishes because I never feel like I am getting the dishes clean enough which leads to spending a frustrating amount of soap, water, paper towels, and time on each one – I will spend at least five minutes agonizing over a bowl that might take someone else a minute to wash. Plus sponges disturb me as much as reusable dish towels. And I am extremely neurotic about my skin coming in contact with ‘food residue’. I don’t know for sure if this is related to emetophobia, but I feel like it must be. This ‘food residue’ anxiety also leads to more hand-washing, because even if a food I ate is not particularly messy/crumby, I can’t stand the thought that the food is still on my hands. If I ate a sandwich and I can smell bread on my fingers, that drives me crazy. I don’t think other people even notice this. Anyway, that is another of my goals for this year – get back to using real cookware.
  
• Wasting food. I’ve talked about this one before. I have serious food anxiety and if my food looks weird to me, my impulse is to toss it. This mostly applies to fruits and vegetables, because they don’t have one consistent way they “should” look (as opposed to pre-packaged food that will tend to look exactly the same every time you eat it), but it can apply to anything – if I open a container of sour cream, and it’s especially watery, that might freak me out enough to throw it away. And I don’t have consistent rules about what is unacceptable; it depends on the day, on my anxiety levels at that particular time. So how quickly I give up on a food and what I consider to be unsafe can vary. When it comes to three different apples with basically the same blemish, on one day I might think ‘okay, that’s fine, I know it’s still edible’; on another, I’ll think ‘I’ll cut that part off, but the rest will be fine’; on another day, I will feel like I can’t deal with it at all and throw it away. Another way I waste food is by taking food offered to me in public – at work gatherings, family picnics, etc. – that I know I am not going to eat, just so I don’t call attention to myself, and then throwing most or all of it away. I think I’ve already improved in both of these areas and want to continue to do so. I try to force myself whenever possible to eat the ‘weird-looking’ food, and nothing bad has happened to me. And there have been social occasions in the past year where I’ve simply refused food; yes, it’s awkward, but not the end of the world.
  
• Wasting resources in general. There are some things I just replace on a regular basis rather than clean, because they seem so gross and germy to me – like bathroom mats and toilet seat covers. I also have (germ-related) anxiety about buying used objects, whether online or in thrift stores or at garage sales, or even accepting something a friend is getting rid of and wants to know if we need. Since I’m trying to consume fewer resources, both of these will have to change. It’s better to keep using something that already exists in the world than contribute to creating more demand for brand new items.

I always find it really interesting to see all the links that can exist between anxiety and something that at first seems completely unrelated to it. Working on my anxiety – in particular, trying to cut down on irrational anxiety-related behaviors – will not only impact my personal happiness and ability to function, but could actually help the world. And vice versa – trying to help the world can (hopefully) force me to become more comfortable with situations that currently make me anxious. That’s awesome and extremely motivating – for both goals!