I am not really sure what the point of this chapter is. It's supposed to
be about personality types, but then only one personality typing system
is discussed in-depth, and it's not clear why the author chose this
particular one.
There are three basic personality types - the
Carer, the Brooder, and the Dramatist. The chapter provides a detailed
description of each type, and then there are exercises where you
determine which type you are (primarily, because it says most people
have aspects of all three), which type your best friend or significant
other is, which type certain celebrities/characters are.
It felt
like overkill, because the three personality types are easy to
understand, and I had no problem choosing which one I most identify with
(the Brooder, or the stoic worrying obsessive type). It seemed like
choosing which one best describes your friend - or Steve Jobs
- was just meant to help you drill all the characteristics into your
head, so maybe that means the author will be coming back to them in
future chapters and wants you to remember them clearly. Or maybe it was
just pointless fun, like the Enneagram (I'm a 4).
Either
way, I don't see what it has to do with emetophobia. The author's
viewpoint seems to be that since these personality types are mainly sets
of thinking styles and belief systems, it ties into the idea of
changing your thinking, changing your beliefs, thus changing or
influencing your personality for the better. If you know yourself well,
then you will know what you need to change. Or something like that.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
CYEAT: Chapter 6
This is a short chapter and seems kind of like a recap or intermission
to me - reflecting on the last few chapters and hinting at what's to
come.
You are reminded of the three underlying issues for emetophobia: external locus of control, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. The rest of the chapter explains how each one of these three negatively affects the other two (and gives examples).
If you have an external locus of control, it's going to lead to you having lower self-esteem and more social anxiety. If your self-esteem lowers, you're going to have more social anxiety and your locus of control will become more external. If your social anxiety increases, it will lower your self-esteem and again make your locus of control more external.
That's the bad news. The good news is that the same goes for moving in a positive direction. If you improve with any one of these three, it will lead to improvement with the other two. So you don't have to tackle fixing all three at once because even focusing on just one, you can't help but have an effect on the others at the same time.
Which is awesome and very hope-inspiring. I'm looking forward to the development of this idea and more specific tips on improving in the three areas.
You are reminded of the three underlying issues for emetophobia: external locus of control, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. The rest of the chapter explains how each one of these three negatively affects the other two (and gives examples).
If you have an external locus of control, it's going to lead to you having lower self-esteem and more social anxiety. If your self-esteem lowers, you're going to have more social anxiety and your locus of control will become more external. If your social anxiety increases, it will lower your self-esteem and again make your locus of control more external.
That's the bad news. The good news is that the same goes for moving in a positive direction. If you improve with any one of these three, it will lead to improvement with the other two. So you don't have to tackle fixing all three at once because even focusing on just one, you can't help but have an effect on the others at the same time.
Which is awesome and very hope-inspiring. I'm looking forward to the development of this idea and more specific tips on improving in the three areas.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
CYEAT: Chapter 5
This chapter talks about the social anxiety component of emetophobia. It
goes into what social anxiety is, how it manifests, why everyone has
social anxiety to a degree, how the amount of social anxiety your
parents have influences how much you will have, etc.
There is a quiz to measure how high your social anxiety is. I got an 85 out of 100, although I felt it was kind of unnecessary to take it. I already know I have terrible social anxiety. There are times I think my social anxiety has a worse effect on my life than my emetophobia. And I know they are connected, because as terrified as I am at the thought of getting sick in general, I am way more terrified by the thought of getting sick in front of other people. This includes my wife. I've never been able to decide how I would handle getting sick at home if she was around, because the emetophobic part of me would want her to stay, but the socially anxious part would want her to leave and go far, far away. I feel like the socially anxious part would probably win.
This is why I'm much more likely to have an emetophobia-related anxiety attack when I'm out in public. There is that added component of it feeling like the wrong / inappropriate place and fearing everyone will judge me or hate me.
So I agree, I definitely think the two issues are strongly linked. But this chapter was a let down for me. It's a lot of information I already knew, and the only advice given on how to deal with social anxiety is to notice when you are feeling it and challenge the thoughts - tell yourself you don't need to feel anxious and that you can handle the situation. I know it's good to challenge your thoughts and tell yourself positive things, but to me, this is presented way too simplistically in this case. It sounds like it boils down to "Feeling socially anxious? Well, don't. You don't need to, so tell yourself that and stop!" When I am out walking alone and feeling terrified at the thought of the cars driving by and the people inside them looking at me, I am well aware this is irrational and I can handle the situation. Reminding myself of this doesn't stop the pattern of feeling anxious, hating it, and avoiding walking alone.
The author hints you will get better at challenging negative thoughts by the end of the book, so I'm hoping there is more to come that will help in this area. In the meantime, there are a lot of helpful tips for coping with social anxiety online. Helpguide.org is one of my favorite sites. I feel like they always do a great job covering issues and various treatments - this is their page on social anxiety.
There is a quiz to measure how high your social anxiety is. I got an 85 out of 100, although I felt it was kind of unnecessary to take it. I already know I have terrible social anxiety. There are times I think my social anxiety has a worse effect on my life than my emetophobia. And I know they are connected, because as terrified as I am at the thought of getting sick in general, I am way more terrified by the thought of getting sick in front of other people. This includes my wife. I've never been able to decide how I would handle getting sick at home if she was around, because the emetophobic part of me would want her to stay, but the socially anxious part would want her to leave and go far, far away. I feel like the socially anxious part would probably win.
This is why I'm much more likely to have an emetophobia-related anxiety attack when I'm out in public. There is that added component of it feeling like the wrong / inappropriate place and fearing everyone will judge me or hate me.
So I agree, I definitely think the two issues are strongly linked. But this chapter was a let down for me. It's a lot of information I already knew, and the only advice given on how to deal with social anxiety is to notice when you are feeling it and challenge the thoughts - tell yourself you don't need to feel anxious and that you can handle the situation. I know it's good to challenge your thoughts and tell yourself positive things, but to me, this is presented way too simplistically in this case. It sounds like it boils down to "Feeling socially anxious? Well, don't. You don't need to, so tell yourself that and stop!" When I am out walking alone and feeling terrified at the thought of the cars driving by and the people inside them looking at me, I am well aware this is irrational and I can handle the situation. Reminding myself of this doesn't stop the pattern of feeling anxious, hating it, and avoiding walking alone.
The author hints you will get better at challenging negative thoughts by the end of the book, so I'm hoping there is more to come that will help in this area. In the meantime, there are a lot of helpful tips for coping with social anxiety online. Helpguide.org is one of my favorite sites. I feel like they always do a great job covering issues and various treatments - this is their page on social anxiety.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
CYEAT: Chapter 4
One of the premises of this book is that there are three main issues
underlying emetophobia (and most other mental health problems): an
external locus of control, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. Chapter 3
focused on locus of control, and this chapter focuses on the
self-esteem component.
The chapter starts with a quiz to determine your level of self-esteem (a list of statements for you to agree or disagree with), and I scored super low - 10%. I can't say I'm surprised based on the statements they provided. One of the statements is "I find it really hard to ask someone out on a date" and I find it hard to believe anyone would disagree with that. That's a difficult thing to do.
I have been conflicted about this topic for most of my life, because I think I am very arrogant in some areas of my life, or at certain moments. Some of the thoughts that pop into my head make me think I can't possibly have low self-esteem. But I've been giving it a lot of thought over the past year or so and have come to the conclusion that most of this "arrogance" is a defensive act. I have developed a habit of acting superior and putting other people down (thinking I have better taste in literature than anyone else, or I'm more intelligent, etc.) because I feel so ridiculously inadequate. Which is a despicable personality trait to have and something I want to change, because there's no excuse for thinking or acting like you're above other people. But yeah, that's what it is. It really started hitting me when I noticed that any time I am out in public and feel nervous, I'll start trying to look incredibly bored and over everything and everyone around me. I feel like if I can convince the world it's unimportant and beneath me, I'll be fine and it can't have any negative effect on me.
Also, a person's self-esteem can fluctuate, and this chapter does an amazing job of explaining that. First of all, people with an external locus of control are going to be strongly influenced by whatever situation they are in currently. If they are doing well on a project for work, high self-esteem. If a minute later, their boss comes in and criticizes them, self-esteem plummets just like that and they can't remember why they were ever feeling good about themselves.
Self-esteem can change very quickly. It just depends on what you are focusing on in your life. If you're focusing on all the things you don't think you have done well, it's going to be low. But if you make an effort to focus more on what you've done well lately, it will be high. The main exercise for the chapter is to list anything you've done lately that makes you feel good about yourself and carry that list around with you. Anything, even if it seems small (paying a bill or buying a present for a family member). Review it frequently. Add new things and bump old ones off the list. Focus more on what you are doing well than the mistakes you think you've made. It will make you think more highly of yourself, which leads to having more confidence, taking more chances, doing more things well.
For some reason, the author includes an Amazon website testimonial from someone helped by this self-esteem exercise at the end of the chapter. This was the only part that turned me off and made me feel (again) suspicious of the motives here. I feel sometimes like this book is trying harder to convince you it can help you than actually helping you. I already bought it, why does it seem like it's still being marketed to me?
But still, it's raised a lot of good points and included some really good advice so far. I'll keep trying to overlook the blatant posturing.
The chapter starts with a quiz to determine your level of self-esteem (a list of statements for you to agree or disagree with), and I scored super low - 10%. I can't say I'm surprised based on the statements they provided. One of the statements is "I find it really hard to ask someone out on a date" and I find it hard to believe anyone would disagree with that. That's a difficult thing to do.
I have been conflicted about this topic for most of my life, because I think I am very arrogant in some areas of my life, or at certain moments. Some of the thoughts that pop into my head make me think I can't possibly have low self-esteem. But I've been giving it a lot of thought over the past year or so and have come to the conclusion that most of this "arrogance" is a defensive act. I have developed a habit of acting superior and putting other people down (thinking I have better taste in literature than anyone else, or I'm more intelligent, etc.) because I feel so ridiculously inadequate. Which is a despicable personality trait to have and something I want to change, because there's no excuse for thinking or acting like you're above other people. But yeah, that's what it is. It really started hitting me when I noticed that any time I am out in public and feel nervous, I'll start trying to look incredibly bored and over everything and everyone around me. I feel like if I can convince the world it's unimportant and beneath me, I'll be fine and it can't have any negative effect on me.
Also, a person's self-esteem can fluctuate, and this chapter does an amazing job of explaining that. First of all, people with an external locus of control are going to be strongly influenced by whatever situation they are in currently. If they are doing well on a project for work, high self-esteem. If a minute later, their boss comes in and criticizes them, self-esteem plummets just like that and they can't remember why they were ever feeling good about themselves.
Self-esteem can change very quickly. It just depends on what you are focusing on in your life. If you're focusing on all the things you don't think you have done well, it's going to be low. But if you make an effort to focus more on what you've done well lately, it will be high. The main exercise for the chapter is to list anything you've done lately that makes you feel good about yourself and carry that list around with you. Anything, even if it seems small (paying a bill or buying a present for a family member). Review it frequently. Add new things and bump old ones off the list. Focus more on what you are doing well than the mistakes you think you've made. It will make you think more highly of yourself, which leads to having more confidence, taking more chances, doing more things well.
For some reason, the author includes an Amazon website testimonial from someone helped by this self-esteem exercise at the end of the chapter. This was the only part that turned me off and made me feel (again) suspicious of the motives here. I feel sometimes like this book is trying harder to convince you it can help you than actually helping you. I already bought it, why does it seem like it's still being marketed to me?
But still, it's raised a lot of good points and included some really good advice so far. I'll keep trying to overlook the blatant posturing.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
CYEAT: Chapter 3
Definitely the most interesting chapter so far. It talks about locus of
control, how you can have an internal locus of control or an external
locus of control.
People with an internal locus of control basically believe they have more control over their lives, the ability to influence events, a positive attitude. They think they have the skills to handle whatever comes. In the face of circumstances that can't be controlled (such as a loved one dying), they believe they are able to deal with the challenge or trauma and are more resilient as a result.
People with an external locus of control are the opposite. They are more negative and believe that what happens in their life depends on external factors (fate, luck, gods, or other "powerful"/authority figures controlling what happens to them) instead of what they themselves do. They tend to be more submissive and helpless. When something beyond their control happens, they don't believe they can handle it.
The author claims all people with emetophobia have an external locus of control. We also have a high desire for control, and when you combine the two, you end up with a ton of anxiety (because you are always feeling powerless and ill-equipped to deal with anything) and constant attempts to control everything you can, even the most insignificant things.
Which of course describes me perfectly. The quiz earlier in the book was to determine if you had an internal or external locus of control, and when I went back and reviewed my answers, I scored a 20 which apparently is an extreme external locus of control.
The main way I try to stay in control is by avoiding anything that I think might put me at risk - going on long trips or public transportation, taking medication, drinking alcohol, eating foods that seem risky, etc. - but there are other more active controlling behaviors too that I don't think about as much. I wash my hands excessively. I ask people questions constantly - ask them to reassure me about things I'm worried about, confirm I'm remembering facts correctly, make my decisions for me (from the insignificant to the huge and life-changing). I have certain numbers I feel are lucky or unlucky. I frequently use the website random.org to make my decisions for me.
In fact, this reminds me of a conversation I had the other day where I was saying that I would rather use a computer to generate an answer than flip a coin. Flipping a coin doesn't feel random enough to me, because I am holding/tossing the coin and thus it feels like I could somehow influence the outcome. And I want NO responsibility for the outcome, because I feel like I would make the wrong decision, whether consciously or subconsciously. (Of course I am still pushing the button to generate the computer's answer, and if I pushed the button a second earlier or later, I would get a different answer. Thinking about this drives me crazy.)
One of the exercises in the chapter was to go back to your quiz answers and identify your external beliefs, then choose 5 that seem the easiest to change, and work on changing them. For example, one of mine is that the number 23 is unlucky, and I could work on telling myself that's not true and making sure I don't avoid that number.
But as much as I agree with this concept and the idea of changing external beliefs and working on thinking in a more 'internal locus of control' way, I felt like some of the "external beliefs" from the quiz shouldn't be changed. So I was a little conflicted at this section. For example, one of the external beliefs was "I believe that you cannot make someone fall in love with you - if it is right it will happen." Do I really want to change that belief? What's the alternative - believing that you can convince people to fall in love with you? I suppose that may be true to an extent, but besides it being weird and manipulative, I don't see the point.
Still, in general it's good advice. Try to think of ways you tell yourself you don't or can't control something. Figure out what factors you think are controlling your life ("this day is ruined because of the rain" or "I can't change because my parents made me this way") and reframe your thoughts to put yourself in control again.
People with an internal locus of control basically believe they have more control over their lives, the ability to influence events, a positive attitude. They think they have the skills to handle whatever comes. In the face of circumstances that can't be controlled (such as a loved one dying), they believe they are able to deal with the challenge or trauma and are more resilient as a result.
People with an external locus of control are the opposite. They are more negative and believe that what happens in their life depends on external factors (fate, luck, gods, or other "powerful"/authority figures controlling what happens to them) instead of what they themselves do. They tend to be more submissive and helpless. When something beyond their control happens, they don't believe they can handle it.
The author claims all people with emetophobia have an external locus of control. We also have a high desire for control, and when you combine the two, you end up with a ton of anxiety (because you are always feeling powerless and ill-equipped to deal with anything) and constant attempts to control everything you can, even the most insignificant things.
Which of course describes me perfectly. The quiz earlier in the book was to determine if you had an internal or external locus of control, and when I went back and reviewed my answers, I scored a 20 which apparently is an extreme external locus of control.
The main way I try to stay in control is by avoiding anything that I think might put me at risk - going on long trips or public transportation, taking medication, drinking alcohol, eating foods that seem risky, etc. - but there are other more active controlling behaviors too that I don't think about as much. I wash my hands excessively. I ask people questions constantly - ask them to reassure me about things I'm worried about, confirm I'm remembering facts correctly, make my decisions for me (from the insignificant to the huge and life-changing). I have certain numbers I feel are lucky or unlucky. I frequently use the website random.org to make my decisions for me.
In fact, this reminds me of a conversation I had the other day where I was saying that I would rather use a computer to generate an answer than flip a coin. Flipping a coin doesn't feel random enough to me, because I am holding/tossing the coin and thus it feels like I could somehow influence the outcome. And I want NO responsibility for the outcome, because I feel like I would make the wrong decision, whether consciously or subconsciously. (Of course I am still pushing the button to generate the computer's answer, and if I pushed the button a second earlier or later, I would get a different answer. Thinking about this drives me crazy.)
One of the exercises in the chapter was to go back to your quiz answers and identify your external beliefs, then choose 5 that seem the easiest to change, and work on changing them. For example, one of mine is that the number 23 is unlucky, and I could work on telling myself that's not true and making sure I don't avoid that number.
But as much as I agree with this concept and the idea of changing external beliefs and working on thinking in a more 'internal locus of control' way, I felt like some of the "external beliefs" from the quiz shouldn't be changed. So I was a little conflicted at this section. For example, one of the external beliefs was "I believe that you cannot make someone fall in love with you - if it is right it will happen." Do I really want to change that belief? What's the alternative - believing that you can convince people to fall in love with you? I suppose that may be true to an extent, but besides it being weird and manipulative, I don't see the point.
Still, in general it's good advice. Try to think of ways you tell yourself you don't or can't control something. Figure out what factors you think are controlling your life ("this day is ruined because of the rain" or "I can't change because my parents made me this way") and reframe your thoughts to put yourself in control again.
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