I know a lot of emetophobes have trouble swallowing pills. I had this problem for most of my life. In high school, I used to dissolve Aleve or Midol in a glass of water and then drink it. There are no words to explain how disgusting this tastes. You will just have to try it and see for yourself. Or on second thought, don't ever do this.
Now I have a method that works most of the time. Very similar to the method people use to trick their pet into eating a pill. I chew up a bite of food that I know I can swallow all at once, then put the pill in my mouth and maneuver it into the middle of that bite. As long as I can't feel it there at all, I can then swallow the bite of food and the pill along with it. Thus, it works best with foods that are more solid and don't dissolve in your mouth, nothing like pudding or applesauce. For a long time, I had the most success with cereal, but now I can use practically anything. The only time I have trouble is when I'm so tense with anxiety that my throat feels closed up. Then it's hard to swallow in general.
I still prefer liquid medicines or chewable pills, and luckily, you can usually find them. But sometimes they're not available, and at those times, it's nice to not have to choose between pain and painkiller-flavored drinks. Ick.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
general health anxiety
It's been an intense week. It seems pretty clear that as this VA trip gets closer, I am going to be dealing with every anxiety thought in my big fat collection. I was in near panic mode two nights in a row, thinking I had cancer or some other life-threatening disease, because of an irritated throat and all my muscles being incredibly sore. Actual causes? I'm thinking the throat thing is (...still...) our heater (hoping this will possibly maybe sink in sometime soon), and the muscle soreness was from lack of sleep and anxiety. I'm feeling fine now and don't know how I managed to leap from those incredibly benign symptoms to "I'm probably dying."
I think I'm going to start doing some serious CBT work again to keep myself from getting stuck in this negativity. A while ago I bought and read Overcoming Health Anxiety by Rob Willson and David Veale. There are a ton of CBT exercises in it to combat health anxiety, but I haven't done any of them yet. I just read the book straight through first. Now I am revisiting it, so I figured I would share my general thoughts about the book here.
I specifically bought it, because I heard there was a chapter devoted to emetophobia (a whole chapter!). But that chapter was a huge disappointment to me. It was late in the book, and emetophobia was basically laid out as an example of a type of health anxiety. So the book up until that point had already covered health anxiety in general and had provided several different techniques to help cope with or overcome it. At the end of the emetophobia chapter, they listed ways to cope with or overcome emetophobia, but they were the same techniques given in the earlier chapters (just reworded to show how they related to emetophobia). There was nothing new. There isn't anything wrong with that really, but it bothered me, because the rest of the chapter was only a description of our usual neurotic thoughts and behaviors. So at the end of the chapter, I was left feeling more anxious than I was before reading it.
The authors even included a list of conditions or situations that can cause vomiting that emetophobes don't usually worry about, as a way of pointing out how irrational we are by selecting certain risks to focus on and ignoring others. In what scenario did they imagine that information would be helpful? For some emetophobes, their current goal is only to become the safest / healthiest emetophobe they can possibly be, no matter what abnormal behaviors that goal leads to. This would be almost a challenge to them! For those that are trying to cut down on abnormal behaviors, they are just left with more information in their heads to try to ignore.
I consider myself to be in the second group, which is why I'm never going to post an entry here talking about 1) what foods have been reported to cause the most food poisoning, 2) which anti-emetic is the best to take before going on a long car ride, 3) "full-proof" ways to make sure you never get a stomach virus, etc. I don't consider any of that helpful and try to avoid reading anything of that nature on other emetophobia blogs or forums. It's my hope that this blog will not make other emetophobes worse.
But back to the book. That chapter aside, most of it was really amazing, and I would recommend it, because any of the CBT exercises can be used with emetophobia. One of the exercises is to write down the symptom (or physical sensation) that you are worrying about, write down your "catastrophic misinterpretation" of the symptom, and then write down all possible alternative explanations for the symptom. My experience a few days ago probably would have been better if I had used this exercise to remind myself how many possible alternative explanations there are for muscle soreness.
When I read these self-help books, I sometimes don't take the time to actually work through the exercises, by writing down responses or repeating ideas to myself on a regular basis. I have tended to think that just reading through them is good enough - especially because most of it is very logical or common sense. The rational part of my brain tells me "that's obvious and easy, and I'll remember it." It's funny, because a bunch of the books even include a warning NOT to think this way and stress how important it is to do the work. When the anxiety disorder takes over, there is no logic or common sense anymore. Reading through all those exercises did not stop me from feeling terrified that I had cancer. It doesn't stop me from worrying that I am going to throw up. I need new thoughts to compete with the negative thoughts I've been rehearsing my entire life, and they won't be there if I don't practice them and drill them into my brain. Sometimes it's as dull and tedious as studying for school, but it's worth it.
I think I'm going to start doing some serious CBT work again to keep myself from getting stuck in this negativity. A while ago I bought and read Overcoming Health Anxiety by Rob Willson and David Veale. There are a ton of CBT exercises in it to combat health anxiety, but I haven't done any of them yet. I just read the book straight through first. Now I am revisiting it, so I figured I would share my general thoughts about the book here.
I specifically bought it, because I heard there was a chapter devoted to emetophobia (a whole chapter!). But that chapter was a huge disappointment to me. It was late in the book, and emetophobia was basically laid out as an example of a type of health anxiety. So the book up until that point had already covered health anxiety in general and had provided several different techniques to help cope with or overcome it. At the end of the emetophobia chapter, they listed ways to cope with or overcome emetophobia, but they were the same techniques given in the earlier chapters (just reworded to show how they related to emetophobia). There was nothing new. There isn't anything wrong with that really, but it bothered me, because the rest of the chapter was only a description of our usual neurotic thoughts and behaviors. So at the end of the chapter, I was left feeling more anxious than I was before reading it.
The authors even included a list of conditions or situations that can cause vomiting that emetophobes don't usually worry about, as a way of pointing out how irrational we are by selecting certain risks to focus on and ignoring others. In what scenario did they imagine that information would be helpful? For some emetophobes, their current goal is only to become the safest / healthiest emetophobe they can possibly be, no matter what abnormal behaviors that goal leads to. This would be almost a challenge to them! For those that are trying to cut down on abnormal behaviors, they are just left with more information in their heads to try to ignore.
I consider myself to be in the second group, which is why I'm never going to post an entry here talking about 1) what foods have been reported to cause the most food poisoning, 2) which anti-emetic is the best to take before going on a long car ride, 3) "full-proof" ways to make sure you never get a stomach virus, etc. I don't consider any of that helpful and try to avoid reading anything of that nature on other emetophobia blogs or forums. It's my hope that this blog will not make other emetophobes worse.
But back to the book. That chapter aside, most of it was really amazing, and I would recommend it, because any of the CBT exercises can be used with emetophobia. One of the exercises is to write down the symptom (or physical sensation) that you are worrying about, write down your "catastrophic misinterpretation" of the symptom, and then write down all possible alternative explanations for the symptom. My experience a few days ago probably would have been better if I had used this exercise to remind myself how many possible alternative explanations there are for muscle soreness.
When I read these self-help books, I sometimes don't take the time to actually work through the exercises, by writing down responses or repeating ideas to myself on a regular basis. I have tended to think that just reading through them is good enough - especially because most of it is very logical or common sense. The rational part of my brain tells me "that's obvious and easy, and I'll remember it." It's funny, because a bunch of the books even include a warning NOT to think this way and stress how important it is to do the work. When the anxiety disorder takes over, there is no logic or common sense anymore. Reading through all those exercises did not stop me from feeling terrified that I had cancer. It doesn't stop me from worrying that I am going to throw up. I need new thoughts to compete with the negative thoughts I've been rehearsing my entire life, and they won't be there if I don't practice them and drill them into my brain. Sometimes it's as dull and tedious as studying for school, but it's worth it.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
dry hands
The cold weather just started, and already my hands are all dry/rough and red from washing them so much. This is an issue I run into every winter. Eventually they get so bad that the skin cracks and bleeds. I try to keep putting lotion on them, but since I'm bound to wash it off within a half hour during the day, it basically only helps to put it on right before I go to bed. Plus most lotions seem inadequate in the face of the damage emetophobes inflict on their hands. The one I have found that helps the most (if I remember to put it on every single night) is Vaseline Intensive Rescue. If anyone else has found anything that works well, I'd love to hear about it.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
practice trip
We took another practice road trip this past weekend. We went to the same restaurant, and this time, I got something that I considered to be "unsafe" to eat while out in public. After eating, we drove around the area. We were looking for a particular store, but we never found it. We just kept driving around and got kind of lost in a semi-busy area. Driving in an unfamiliar area and traffic and being lost are all things that make me stressed out, but I didn't start feeling really "sick" because of it, which is exciting to me. I think I am ready for the VA trip. I actually feel like I can handle it. There were many times during the past year when I felt like I might be stuck here forever because of my anxiety, so I am looking forward to getting far away.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
winter
We had our first snowfall this past week, and it snowed again last night. There is still some left on the ground this morning. It's beautiful, but it signals the start of winter to me, or as emetophobics refer to it, the season of illness. So it's leaving me with a general feeling of dread.
I haven't been sick at all in the past two years, not even a cold. Which is not normal. I used to get a cold per year like most people, and I'm guessing the reason for my healthy streak is that I started working from home two years ago, so I'm no longer in an environment like a school or office where illness spreads around like crazy. You'd think it would be reassuring, but I just keep worrying - will I get sick this year, and will it hit me harder than usual since it's been a while? I am taking that class now, so I'm back in contact with the notoriously unhealthy college crowd. Plus I've been trying to force myself to go out places as much as possible. Which is of course a good thing, a great thing. It's sad that I keep having to remind myself that it's not worth trading all life experiences to avoid a mild illness once in a while.
I've been reading other emetophobia blogs out there, and some of these people have so much more contact with vomit than I can imagine having. This woman Robin in particular amazes me. It seems like she has to deal with vomit frequently because of her kids, and she also has gotten sick herself due to morning sickness and a stomach virus in the past few years. She has survived and even kept a positive attitude throughout all of it. It makes me start to think brave thoughts like 'wow, does this even matter? I'm sure I would survive it too. Why am I so worried about this all the time? I should just never think about it again.'
But then an hour or so goes by, and I feel something "weird" in my body, and everything brave or rational goes out the window. I keep getting a scratchy throat (from our heater, I'm assuming), and even though I know it can't be from illness, I still worry that it is. I try to ignore it, but it actually causes my appetite to go away. Then I have to force myself to eat, and when I do, I feel anxious the whole time. If I try really hard to focus only on my stomach, I will realize that I feel absolutely nothing there. But emotionally, I feel like I am moments away from throwing up. It's bizarre.
I haven't been sick at all in the past two years, not even a cold. Which is not normal. I used to get a cold per year like most people, and I'm guessing the reason for my healthy streak is that I started working from home two years ago, so I'm no longer in an environment like a school or office where illness spreads around like crazy. You'd think it would be reassuring, but I just keep worrying - will I get sick this year, and will it hit me harder than usual since it's been a while? I am taking that class now, so I'm back in contact with the notoriously unhealthy college crowd. Plus I've been trying to force myself to go out places as much as possible. Which is of course a good thing, a great thing. It's sad that I keep having to remind myself that it's not worth trading all life experiences to avoid a mild illness once in a while.
I've been reading other emetophobia blogs out there, and some of these people have so much more contact with vomit than I can imagine having. This woman Robin in particular amazes me. It seems like she has to deal with vomit frequently because of her kids, and she also has gotten sick herself due to morning sickness and a stomach virus in the past few years. She has survived and even kept a positive attitude throughout all of it. It makes me start to think brave thoughts like 'wow, does this even matter? I'm sure I would survive it too. Why am I so worried about this all the time? I should just never think about it again.'
But then an hour or so goes by, and I feel something "weird" in my body, and everything brave or rational goes out the window. I keep getting a scratchy throat (from our heater, I'm assuming), and even though I know it can't be from illness, I still worry that it is. I try to ignore it, but it actually causes my appetite to go away. Then I have to force myself to eat, and when I do, I feel anxious the whole time. If I try really hard to focus only on my stomach, I will realize that I feel absolutely nothing there. But emotionally, I feel like I am moments away from throwing up. It's bizarre.
Friday, October 28, 2011
emetophobia survey
Friday night of a hectic week. Sounds like a good time for a survey, followed by a lot of lying around and not working for two days. I've seen this posted a few places - not sure where it came from originally.
1. Does your family know of your Emetophobia? I don't think so. To make a long story short, we have serious communication issues in my family.
2. Do your friends know of your Emetophobia? Yeah, probably all of them do. I'm pretty open about it.
3. Would you tell a stranger that you have Emetophobia? I guess it depends. I think the only strangers I have told are doctors / dentists so that 1) they would prescribe me anti-emetics 2) they wouldn't prescribe me anything with nausea or vomiting as a main side effect. It doesn't usually come up in normal conversation for me.
4. If you are currently in a relationship, how long did you wait to tell your partner? We were friends for a while before we started dating, so she already knew all about it.
5. Are you scared to have kids? Of course. But underneath all the fear, I don't think I want kids anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it. My life is pretty stress-free compared to the average person's life, and I have a hard time handling that tiny amount of stress. I can't imagine adding the stress of raising children to that.
6. If you are a mom who suffers from Emetophobia, how do you deal with the struggles of your kids being sick? N/A, but I'm sure I wouldn't deal with it well at all. I feel panicked even when our cat throws up and usually run to hide in the next room.
7. What age did you discover that you had a problem? I was around 11 and found a website describing emetophobia. I can't remember if I was actively looking for an explanation. I had recently had some problems with missing a lot of school because of "feeling sick," so maybe.
8. What type of methods have you tried to reach recovery? I've never really believed I could get rid of the phobia completely, but to cope better, I have tried just about everything. Exposure therapy, talk therapy, CBT, ACT, affirmations, all the basic relaxation techniques (meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, visualization), yoga, mindfulness, and hypnosis. Most of this I still do, because I find it all helpful. The only thing I haven't given a fair chance is long-term medication. The side effects scare me too much, so both times I tried it, I stopped after the first dose.
9. When was the last time you have thrown up and why? I was nine years old, and I'm pretty sure it was just a basic stomach virus.
10. When was the last time you saw someone else throw up? I'm not sure I remember. I've done a really good job of avoiding seeing it, even if all I could do was shut my eyes or turn my back on it. I feel like my last "direct experience" with it was December 2007 when I went into a stall in a communal bathroom in my college dorm building and then heard the girl in the stall right next to me start throwing up. I ran out right away.
11. What type of foods do you avoid? I don't think I avoid any food all the time, it's more situational. I avoid cooking any raw meat myself, because I don't trust myself to do it right, plus I don't want to deal with that kind of "contamination" stress. I hate trying anything new, so usually I make my wife try it first, and if she doesn't get violently ill from it (she never does), I might have some. I'm afraid of restaurants I've never been to before, so I try to stick with chains. Same for groceries - I have my safe "brands" and hate buying a different brand or the generic brand. When I know I have to go out somewhere, or when I am already in public, I try to go for simple / bland foods only like sandwiches or pasta. Oh, and I always avoid alcohol. The only alcohol I've had in my life was a tiny sip of champagne when I was really young (New Year's Eve).
1. Does your family know of your Emetophobia? I don't think so. To make a long story short, we have serious communication issues in my family.
2. Do your friends know of your Emetophobia? Yeah, probably all of them do. I'm pretty open about it.
3. Would you tell a stranger that you have Emetophobia? I guess it depends. I think the only strangers I have told are doctors / dentists so that 1) they would prescribe me anti-emetics 2) they wouldn't prescribe me anything with nausea or vomiting as a main side effect. It doesn't usually come up in normal conversation for me.
4. If you are currently in a relationship, how long did you wait to tell your partner? We were friends for a while before we started dating, so she already knew all about it.
5. Are you scared to have kids? Of course. But underneath all the fear, I don't think I want kids anyway, so I'm not too concerned about it. My life is pretty stress-free compared to the average person's life, and I have a hard time handling that tiny amount of stress. I can't imagine adding the stress of raising children to that.
6. If you are a mom who suffers from Emetophobia, how do you deal with the struggles of your kids being sick? N/A, but I'm sure I wouldn't deal with it well at all. I feel panicked even when our cat throws up and usually run to hide in the next room.
7. What age did you discover that you had a problem? I was around 11 and found a website describing emetophobia. I can't remember if I was actively looking for an explanation. I had recently had some problems with missing a lot of school because of "feeling sick," so maybe.
8. What type of methods have you tried to reach recovery? I've never really believed I could get rid of the phobia completely, but to cope better, I have tried just about everything. Exposure therapy, talk therapy, CBT, ACT, affirmations, all the basic relaxation techniques (meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, visualization), yoga, mindfulness, and hypnosis. Most of this I still do, because I find it all helpful. The only thing I haven't given a fair chance is long-term medication. The side effects scare me too much, so both times I tried it, I stopped after the first dose.
9. When was the last time you have thrown up and why? I was nine years old, and I'm pretty sure it was just a basic stomach virus.
10. When was the last time you saw someone else throw up? I'm not sure I remember. I've done a really good job of avoiding seeing it, even if all I could do was shut my eyes or turn my back on it. I feel like my last "direct experience" with it was December 2007 when I went into a stall in a communal bathroom in my college dorm building and then heard the girl in the stall right next to me start throwing up. I ran out right away.
11. What type of foods do you avoid? I don't think I avoid any food all the time, it's more situational. I avoid cooking any raw meat myself, because I don't trust myself to do it right, plus I don't want to deal with that kind of "contamination" stress. I hate trying anything new, so usually I make my wife try it first, and if she doesn't get violently ill from it (she never does), I might have some. I'm afraid of restaurants I've never been to before, so I try to stick with chains. Same for groceries - I have my safe "brands" and hate buying a different brand or the generic brand. When I know I have to go out somewhere, or when I am already in public, I try to go for simple / bland foods only like sandwiches or pasta. Oh, and I always avoid alcohol. The only alcohol I've had in my life was a tiny sip of champagne when I was really young (New Year's Eve).
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
more on road trips
The test run drive went really well. I didn't even need to get out my written affirmations. It was a quiet, non-stressful drive. Most of the time we were surrounded by farmland. On the way there, I could feel the anxiety start in my stomach at times, and I just tried to bring my attention back to the external world - the music playing, the scenery. I read somewhere (no clue where, my brain is way overloaded with self-help books and websites) about playing a game with yourself to calm down where you look for something that starts with the letter "A", then the letter "B", etc. So I used that to distract myself too.
Sometimes when I start to "feel sick" I view it as a kind of black and white transition where I've left the realm of calmness / happiness, and that's it - now there's no going back. But on this drive I happened to be able to tap into logic (for once) and realize that only a few seconds had passed between feeling absolutely fine and feeling "off" in some way. Obviously I still was absolutely fine and was able to return to feeling that way with a little effort.
I felt a little "sick" after eating in the restaurant too, but it didn't last long, maybe about five to ten minutes of the drive back home. All in all, I'm super pleased with how it went, although I do keep thinking about how tame a challenge it was compared to the much longer trip coming up. My main areas of concern are:
-- the drive itself. We'll be on the road longer, there will definitely be more traffic and crazy drivers. Plus having to eat during the drive.
-- staying in a hotel. The last time I actually threw up, I was in a hotel, on vacation with my family. I know some emetophobes have bad associations with certain foods because they were sick after eating them. That didn't happen to me, but I guess I associate hotels in general (well, they do all look alike and smell alike) with the experience and feel slightly unsafe in them.
-- I'll be meeting my nephew for the first time. He's a little over a year old. I might have to hold him. Part of me really wants to. I've loved him since the day he was born and the first pictures went up on facebook. But part of me worries he will spit up on me. Or get sick on me? At what age does it stop being called spit-up? I have no clue, but really it makes no difference to me.
-- eating in general on the trip, eating away from home, eating around other people. I need more practice with this.
We are planning to have a couple more of these "test run" trips, if we have time to fit them in. The goal for the next one is to go eat somewhere and then go out shopping instead of coming straight back home.
Sometimes when I start to "feel sick" I view it as a kind of black and white transition where I've left the realm of calmness / happiness, and that's it - now there's no going back. But on this drive I happened to be able to tap into logic (for once) and realize that only a few seconds had passed between feeling absolutely fine and feeling "off" in some way. Obviously I still was absolutely fine and was able to return to feeling that way with a little effort.
I felt a little "sick" after eating in the restaurant too, but it didn't last long, maybe about five to ten minutes of the drive back home. All in all, I'm super pleased with how it went, although I do keep thinking about how tame a challenge it was compared to the much longer trip coming up. My main areas of concern are:
-- the drive itself. We'll be on the road longer, there will definitely be more traffic and crazy drivers. Plus having to eat during the drive.
-- staying in a hotel. The last time I actually threw up, I was in a hotel, on vacation with my family. I know some emetophobes have bad associations with certain foods because they were sick after eating them. That didn't happen to me, but I guess I associate hotels in general (well, they do all look alike and smell alike) with the experience and feel slightly unsafe in them.
-- I'll be meeting my nephew for the first time. He's a little over a year old. I might have to hold him. Part of me really wants to. I've loved him since the day he was born and the first pictures went up on facebook. But part of me worries he will spit up on me. Or get sick on me? At what age does it stop being called spit-up? I have no clue, but really it makes no difference to me.
-- eating in general on the trip, eating away from home, eating around other people. I need more practice with this.
We are planning to have a couple more of these "test run" trips, if we have time to fit them in. The goal for the next one is to go eat somewhere and then go out shopping instead of coming straight back home.
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