making plans

I've been noticing that I'm afraid of making plans. I've pretty much always been that way. I hate telling someone days or weeks in advance that I'll meet them at [insert time] at [insert place], preferring to either have more casual (non-)plans or to make plans at the last minute. I think this is a result of the anxiety I've always had and knowing that if I make set-in-stone decisions it's harder to undo them later when I become too anxious to follow through. This has happened several times, and it's difficult and embarrassing to get yourself out of something you've already committed to. At a certain point I just started thinking 'I'll probably end up chickening out anyway, why bother?' and I still have that mentality.

It's clearly not leading me anywhere good. For one thing, most of the time I immediately decline invitations, not even wanting to get into the whole back-and-forth 'should I, should I not, what if' cycle of thinking. Then I end up missing out on a lot of potentially fun and/or rewarding experiences, sometimes even beating myself up about it or feeling plagued with regret. It's not even usually regret about any one specific outing, more a cumulative regret at this point, a feeling that I am missing out on almost everything.

Also, not-making-the-decisions becomes a strong habit. When I do agree to hang out with someone, I hem and haw about the specifics, asking them what they want to do, where they want to go, etc. until they have made all the plans and I end up in a situation even more unpleasant. Until recently, it never even occurred to me that I could take matters into my own hands and suggest times/places that would be more comfortable for me. Just the idea of doing so still makes me feel guilty, like it's wrong for me to be allowed to make choices.

I've been trying to stay aware of all this, and today a situation presented itself that gave me the perfect opportunity to break my habit. Someone I know (although not that well) is taking a vacation next week and will be close to where I live. So they emailed me and asked if we could get together one evening.

My first thought was 'there's no way I could handle that, I've got to think of some way out of it.' After I talked myself past that, I wrote her back saying yes and asking what she wanted to do (the habit takes control yet again). Finally, I sent a second response with a specific restaurant where we could meet. It's a place I've been many times, so I know how to get there, what I could eat there, and that I'll feel more relaxed in general being in a familiar setting. Better able to handle any anxiety brought on by the food or socializing.

This seems like such an effective strategy, I don't know why it took me so long to realize it and start taking advantage of it. Now I won't have to spend the next week looking up directions, taking practice drives, or obsessing over an online menu, trying to find the perfect "safe" dish. Not that I should be doing any of those things anyway, but it's nice to be able to take something extremely stressful and overwhelming and turn it into something slightly more manageable, even if it will still be a challenge.