regressing

The person I was going to meet for dinner cancelled, as they ended up not having enough time during their vacation to make the long drive over to my area. I can't say I wasn't partially relieved. I had been stressing about it every day. But at the same time, it would have been nice to prove to myself that I could get through a situation like that.

Then last weekend a friend came to visit and stayed with us. I had so much fun hanging out with him, but my anxiety spiked. Which was both surprising (because I'm close to and comfortable with this friend) and annoying.

We went on nature walks, and because it was hot, I worried I would get heat stroke and throw up. Or I worried I was overexerting myself, and that would make me sick. We went out to eat twice. The first time (breakfast) was absolutely fine, but the second time (dinner) I wasn't hungry, probably due to anxiety, and I was anxious that this meant I was getting sick and would throw up. We did a bunch of other things too. By the end of the day I was exhausted - it was more activity than I am used to - and then I worried I was sick because I felt tired! I had to repeat affirmations in my head in order to fall asleep and then woke up in a half-asleep panic at around 2 in the morning, feeling "sick" and trying to figure out where I could go to be sick in private, if it was going to happen.

I hardly ever wake up feeling like this anymore.

I feel like I've hit some kind of wall. I don't experience much anxiety anymore, but I guess it's only because I feel safe, because I'm only hanging out on a "narrow strip" of my room, as Rilke would say. I don't expect these (pretty minor) challenges to throw me so much, because I'm feeling so great most of the time. I really need to find more things to do around here that put me in situations where I am uncomfortable. I hate to think this is as good as it gets. I want to be able to go into any situation without returning to the mess I used to be.