Ah, belief systems! The first chapter explores how your beliefs about
the world influence the way you perceive the world, and how your
perceptions then reinforce those beliefs.
For example, if you
believe knocking on wood will bring you good luck, you're going to
notice every single time you knock on wood and then something good
happens. This will reinforce your belief. You're less likely to
notice/remember the times you knock on wood and something bad happens.
Or
(for a more negative emetophobia-related example) if you assume you're
going to feel "sick" any time you go out somewhere, you will tend to
notice the times you go out and don't feel well while overlooking the
times you go out and feel fine. This is definitely one of my beliefs. I
will complain to my wife that this always happens, that I can't ever go
anywhere without feeling "sick" from anxiety, and she will remind me
this isn't true and point out specific examples. She can see the whole
picture, whereas I only see the bad because I'm invested in my belief -
probably because 1) I get extremely frustrated and want to be able to
express it in an extreme way ("this always happens" instead of "I hate
that this ever happens") and 2) knowing there is potential to experience
anxiety makes me want to stay home and if I can believe going out will
always result in a struggle, it's that much easier to talk myself out of
doing things.
Today was one of those good days that defies this belief. I went to see the new movie Into the Woods, which is pretty long (about 2 hours), and I didn't feel "sick" once.
At
the end of the chapter there were a couple exercises about identifying
what beliefs you have that may be limiting you (nothing about how to
change them yet) and also a quiz, which excited me because I love taking
quizzes. But at the end of the quiz there was no scoring or commentary.
The author just said to set it aside and the book would come back to it
later. Intriguing.
Nothing ground-breaking yet. I already know I
have many flawed and harmful beliefs. But of course, it never hurts to
remind yourself of these things. Even knowing I have these beliefs, I
still don't always realize when I am reinforcing them and behaving as if
they are true.
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Monday, January 19, 2015
Monday, March 31, 2014
some analysis
**Just a quick warning. I went into some detail about the act of vomiting in the post below (not in the sense of a personal anecdote, just in the sense of dissecting the act).**
It's still really cold and snowy/icy where I live, and I haven't been leaving the house much, so things have been calm. I did see the movie Frozen (it was amazing) and had my usual movie theater experience of feeling "sick" and anxious for about half the film. I was enjoying the movie so much that I kept ignoring my strong impulses to leave because I didn't want to miss a single second. What's funny is that I was incredibly distracted by my worrying and didn't even realize it at the time. I got the gist of what was happening, but when I re-watched the movie later at home, there were so many lines of dialogue and song lyrics I hadn't fully heard the first time - little details that made me love the movie even more.
Other than that incident, I've been doing really well. I'm pretty sure that's the only time in the past month my phobia has been an issue.
I've been thinking about how weird this fear is. Here's what I think is the strangest thing about it: it seems (to me at least) that vomiting would be less terrifying to me if you were to take away any of the individual components that make up the act.
I don't think I'm alone in this. I've seen other people online say things like "if there was no nausea, I could handle it" or "if it didn't taste bad, I wouldn't care that much." We could all be wrong, since there is no way to test these theories, but it's fascinating to me thinking about all the ways the act of vomiting could be slightly different and how any one of those alternatives seems better than what we have in reality.
What if it came out of a different part of our body than our mouths? That seems like it'd be fine. How bad could that be, if it came out of the foot or the elbow? In fact, that scenario would rid us of other components too - the taste and the feeling or fear of choking.
What if it all happened exactly the same except that there was no unpleasant feeling of nausea right before? That doesn't sound so bad either. None of that awful sensation of the sick feeling building up, getting worse and worse.
What if it was completely controllable? If you knew without a doubt you could decide when and where it happened? This is the one I would vote for. I think most of all I hate the idea of the suddenness or surprise of it, and how little control I have over it.
Somewhat related - what if you couldn't have complete control over it, but you did get a clear unambiguous warning sign at least a few hours in advance? Something like the tips of your fingers turning blue, where then you would know there was no going back. A little scary, but at least then you could start planning your next steps. None of that back and forth "will I, won't I, is this in my head?" crap.
What if it always tasted really delicious, like chocolate? I'm unsure of how I feel about this one. I'm not convinced it would lessen my fear that much, but I've seen other people say they think this would work for them.
What if it was all the same, but there was absolutely no social embarrassment that came along with it? I am always afraid of it happening, even when I am alone at home, but I am much more afraid of the idea of doing it in front of other people. If there was no social stigma, no reaction of disgust, or if people reacted to it as calmly as they react when someone sneezes, I think I would be much less bothered in general. Along the same lines, what if it wasn't indicative of something bad happening inside your body? Obviously this is why the social disgust exists, because people know you could have some illness and instinctively want to protect themselves. If it was just something that happened occasionally (like a cat's hairballs?) and wasn't a warning sign that you were sick, extremely drunk, or had some kind of food poisoning, I don't think it could be as big a deal to anyone, either the person experiencing it or the onlookers.
In a way, I find it comforting to take it apart like this and see that it's something that is made up of many horrible things, and it's the combination of all of those parts that makes it so overwhelming and scary. I don't know why. I feel like there is some bit of hope or wisdom to be found in this thought process, but I'm not sure what it is yet.
It's still really cold and snowy/icy where I live, and I haven't been leaving the house much, so things have been calm. I did see the movie Frozen (it was amazing) and had my usual movie theater experience of feeling "sick" and anxious for about half the film. I was enjoying the movie so much that I kept ignoring my strong impulses to leave because I didn't want to miss a single second. What's funny is that I was incredibly distracted by my worrying and didn't even realize it at the time. I got the gist of what was happening, but when I re-watched the movie later at home, there were so many lines of dialogue and song lyrics I hadn't fully heard the first time - little details that made me love the movie even more.
Other than that incident, I've been doing really well. I'm pretty sure that's the only time in the past month my phobia has been an issue.
I've been thinking about how weird this fear is. Here's what I think is the strangest thing about it: it seems (to me at least) that vomiting would be less terrifying to me if you were to take away any of the individual components that make up the act.
I don't think I'm alone in this. I've seen other people online say things like "if there was no nausea, I could handle it" or "if it didn't taste bad, I wouldn't care that much." We could all be wrong, since there is no way to test these theories, but it's fascinating to me thinking about all the ways the act of vomiting could be slightly different and how any one of those alternatives seems better than what we have in reality.
What if it came out of a different part of our body than our mouths? That seems like it'd be fine. How bad could that be, if it came out of the foot or the elbow? In fact, that scenario would rid us of other components too - the taste and the feeling or fear of choking.
What if it all happened exactly the same except that there was no unpleasant feeling of nausea right before? That doesn't sound so bad either. None of that awful sensation of the sick feeling building up, getting worse and worse.
What if it was completely controllable? If you knew without a doubt you could decide when and where it happened? This is the one I would vote for. I think most of all I hate the idea of the suddenness or surprise of it, and how little control I have over it.
Somewhat related - what if you couldn't have complete control over it, but you did get a clear unambiguous warning sign at least a few hours in advance? Something like the tips of your fingers turning blue, where then you would know there was no going back. A little scary, but at least then you could start planning your next steps. None of that back and forth "will I, won't I, is this in my head?" crap.
What if it always tasted really delicious, like chocolate? I'm unsure of how I feel about this one. I'm not convinced it would lessen my fear that much, but I've seen other people say they think this would work for them.
What if it was all the same, but there was absolutely no social embarrassment that came along with it? I am always afraid of it happening, even when I am alone at home, but I am much more afraid of the idea of doing it in front of other people. If there was no social stigma, no reaction of disgust, or if people reacted to it as calmly as they react when someone sneezes, I think I would be much less bothered in general. Along the same lines, what if it wasn't indicative of something bad happening inside your body? Obviously this is why the social disgust exists, because people know you could have some illness and instinctively want to protect themselves. If it was just something that happened occasionally (like a cat's hairballs?) and wasn't a warning sign that you were sick, extremely drunk, or had some kind of food poisoning, I don't think it could be as big a deal to anyone, either the person experiencing it or the onlookers.
In a way, I find it comforting to take it apart like this and see that it's something that is made up of many horrible things, and it's the combination of all of those parts that makes it so overwhelming and scary. I don't know why. I feel like there is some bit of hope or wisdom to be found in this thought process, but I'm not sure what it is yet.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
logotherapy
I recently read Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning, which is both a memoir about his experiences in concentration camps during the Holocaust and an explanation of his therapeutic method/theory called logotherapy.
It was an amazing book, as I knew it would be. I had wanted to read it for probably two years and kept putting it off because I was afraid. For the past two or three years I have been trying to avoid books, movies, news articles, etc. that I thought would make me have any kind of strong emotional reaction. My anxiety issues had gotten so bad that whenever I felt extreme sadness or fear or disgust I would feel "sick" or worry that the emotion would make me lose control or go crazy in some way.
Over the past few months I've been testing this boundary. I've watched a couple horror movies I had never seen before. I read a few books that were really sad or had disgusting parts. Nothing bad has happened. I enjoyed the movies and books and didn't freak out. Probably the ultimate test was going to see the movie August: Osage County last weekend. This one took me by surprise, as I actually thought it was going to be more light-hearted than it was. The previews showed a lot of Julia Roberts / Meryl Streep banter that reminded me of the interactions between Lorelai Gilmore and Emily Gilmore. But the movie was not like that at all. It was dark, dark, dark. From the very first scene, I became tense and felt kind of queasy and upset through the entire thing. I even thought about walking out at some points. But I stayed, and I felt like that was the final proof that I can handle pretty much any form of entertainment again.
Back to Man's Search for Meaning. I loved it and was extremely interested in the concept of logotherapy. I didn't know much about it. Basically it focuses on searching for the meaning in your life rather than trying to solve the problem of suffering (because there will always be suffering of some sort). From the wikipedia page:
"Frankl’s concept is based on the premise that the primary motivational force of an individual is to find a meaning in life. The following list of tenets represents basic principles of logotherapy:
The concept is appealing to me. I feel like what started to make me feel happier about my life was trying to ignore/minimize my anxiety and focus on the rest of my life instead ("Goals" from my list of coping techniques). Realizing that I would probably never get rid of this phobia (or anxiety in general) completely, and even if that was true, it didn't have to be my entire existence or identity.
It's as if a person wants to cook breakfast, but there is a giant box taking up most of the space in their kitchen. They are still able to make the meal. It's just a little more difficult because they have to work around the box, make sure not to trip over it and spill food, make sure not to stub their toe or bang their knee on it. I'm trying to think of anxiety as being like that annoying box. What's my objective? What do I want to do? Once I know that, I can figure out the exact ways that my anxiety will present itself as an obstacle. Then I can figure out (using various other coping techniques) how I can deal with that anxiety and do what I want to do anyway.
It's worth working around the box to get the delicious meal in the end. And even if the worst happens, like you trip over the box and spill all your ingredients, then you would just have to start over. Go to the store. Get new ingredients. Try again. Because you can't just not eat. And living your life and going after your goals, finding your purpose/meaning, should be as vital as eating.
One of my favorite quotes from the book:
"What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him."
It was an amazing book, as I knew it would be. I had wanted to read it for probably two years and kept putting it off because I was afraid. For the past two or three years I have been trying to avoid books, movies, news articles, etc. that I thought would make me have any kind of strong emotional reaction. My anxiety issues had gotten so bad that whenever I felt extreme sadness or fear or disgust I would feel "sick" or worry that the emotion would make me lose control or go crazy in some way.
Over the past few months I've been testing this boundary. I've watched a couple horror movies I had never seen before. I read a few books that were really sad or had disgusting parts. Nothing bad has happened. I enjoyed the movies and books and didn't freak out. Probably the ultimate test was going to see the movie August: Osage County last weekend. This one took me by surprise, as I actually thought it was going to be more light-hearted than it was. The previews showed a lot of Julia Roberts / Meryl Streep banter that reminded me of the interactions between Lorelai Gilmore and Emily Gilmore. But the movie was not like that at all. It was dark, dark, dark. From the very first scene, I became tense and felt kind of queasy and upset through the entire thing. I even thought about walking out at some points. But I stayed, and I felt like that was the final proof that I can handle pretty much any form of entertainment again.
Back to Man's Search for Meaning. I loved it and was extremely interested in the concept of logotherapy. I didn't know much about it. Basically it focuses on searching for the meaning in your life rather than trying to solve the problem of suffering (because there will always be suffering of some sort). From the wikipedia page:
"Frankl’s concept is based on the premise that the primary motivational force of an individual is to find a meaning in life. The following list of tenets represents basic principles of logotherapy:
- Life has meaning under all circumstances, even the most miserable ones.
- Our main motivation for living is our will to find meaning in life.
- We have freedom to find meaning in what we do, and what we experience, or at least in the stand we take when faced with a situation of unchangeable suffering."
The concept is appealing to me. I feel like what started to make me feel happier about my life was trying to ignore/minimize my anxiety and focus on the rest of my life instead ("Goals" from my list of coping techniques). Realizing that I would probably never get rid of this phobia (or anxiety in general) completely, and even if that was true, it didn't have to be my entire existence or identity.
It's as if a person wants to cook breakfast, but there is a giant box taking up most of the space in their kitchen. They are still able to make the meal. It's just a little more difficult because they have to work around the box, make sure not to trip over it and spill food, make sure not to stub their toe or bang their knee on it. I'm trying to think of anxiety as being like that annoying box. What's my objective? What do I want to do? Once I know that, I can figure out the exact ways that my anxiety will present itself as an obstacle. Then I can figure out (using various other coping techniques) how I can deal with that anxiety and do what I want to do anyway.
It's worth working around the box to get the delicious meal in the end. And even if the worst happens, like you trip over the box and spill all your ingredients, then you would just have to start over. Go to the store. Get new ingredients. Try again. Because you can't just not eat. And living your life and going after your goals, finding your purpose/meaning, should be as vital as eating.
One of my favorite quotes from the book:
"What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him."
Sunday, December 15, 2013
mastering restaurants and other things
It's been way too long since I posted here. Last month I was working on another writing project and this month I've been preoccupied with Christmas, trying to think of what to get everyone. Other than that, not much has been happening.
I can only think of two emetophobia-related incidents that happened recently. One good, one not so good.
The not so good one was a couple nights ago when I went out to eat with my wife. I've got to say, I think I've generally been doing really well with eating out at restaurants. I finally figured out how to deal with the situation, because two things happen to me when I eat at a restaurant. One is that I switch over to my "restaurant stomach" or in other words, my stomach appears to shrink in size. I know it must not actually be shrinking, but because of anxiety, I can never eat the amount in a restaurant that I could eat at home. But I always used to anyway. Out of habit, I would eat the same amount of food I typically eat at a meal, and then end up feeling awful. Now I have caught on to this and am forcing myself to eat way less. It usually means I don't even come close to finishing my meal, but oh well. Then I have tasty leftovers to eat later at home when I have my normal stomach back.
The other thing that happens because of anxiety: my throat becomes tight, feels more closed up, and this is mainly where I am still running into problems. I don't tend to notice this sensation in my throat, because it's very subtle, and it's a symptom I'm not that anxious about. But then sometimes when I swallow a bite of food, it feels stuck or like it's going down the wrong way or like I'm choking. That combined with the worries in the back of my mind about throwing up leads to a giant spike of panic. Which is what happened the other night. I'm talking to my wife, everything is good, and then suddenly I get this terrified look on my face as I panic that I'm choking or am going to throw up. The panic was over within a few seconds (aside from my heart continuing to pound for a while) and then I just felt silly and embarrassed. I'm pretty sure no one but my wife saw that look on my face, but the fact that I could not control it made me think about how awful it would have been if someone else had seen it. And made me flash back to all the many, many embarrassing incidents in my past where someone else did see a look like that on my face, including people who had no clue what was happening to me.
I guess I just need to keep this in mind when I go out to eat. Chew more, be conscious of swallowing and such. Sometimes I wonder if it's a good idea to work around these sensations because it feels like I am working with my anxiety instead of against it. But I don't seem to have much of a choice. I regularly go out to eat and that anxiety (so far) is not going away. The level of anxiety varies, of course, based on a million factors from my mood to the weather to whether I watched a movie/show earlier that day that showed someone vomiting. But there is always some level there, so if I want to be able to go out to eat at all, I need to adjust to these two symptoms. And like I said before, I think my adjustments are working out and making it so I can actually enjoy going out to eat, and that's nice. Not something I'm used to being able to enjoy, ever. Even with the brief panic the other night, I feel like the meal was a success.
Now for the good emetophobia-related incident. A friend came to stay with us at the end of November. He visits us pretty frequently, and over the last few years, I have been having a difficult time with these visits. Just like with going to restaurants, having someone stay with us makes my base level anxiety go up, and what tends to happen is I start getting a lot of stomach aches, almost constant stomach aches, especially if we go out anywhere. And when your friend comes to stay with you, they don't want to just sit around your house the entire time. And to make things even worse, I find it almost impossible to hide the fact that I feel sick and miserable or to keep quiet about it. So this friend has had to hear about how I don't feel well a ridiculous amount of the time, and it's a wonder he still comes to visit.
I'm sure you know where this is going. This last visit was practically PERFECT. It was the best time I've had hanging out with him in so long. I can't even say for sure why it went so well. Probably because I expected it to. I was feeling really great physically before he showed up, and I just felt confident that I would continue to feel great, that I could keep up the momentum of feeling good, if that makes sense. I was determined to. I've been feeling very guilty about what a terrible friend / hostess I've been.
As soon as he arrived, we went out to eat, and I ate more than I think I have in several years while at a restaurant with someone other than my wife. After that, we went somewhere else before going back home, which would normally make me very anxious (I always want to go straight home to digest and recover from the experience), and I was fine. We also went to see the movie Catching Fire (second in the Hunger Games series), and it was opening weekend, which meant the theater was completely packed. I was sure I would end up panicking at least a little during the movie, but nope, didn't happen, and I even had some popcorn. Also, he takes a bus when he comes to visit, and the bus station where we pick him up is a long drive from our house, about two hours one-way. I got through all eight hours of driving without any high anxiety periods (seriously, a miracle)!
It was like I was a normal person for a whole weekend. He's coming to visit again in about two weeks, and I'm excited. Because now I know it's possible, that I'm capable of handling it without any problems. Maybe it won't be absolutely perfect again, but I'm at least positive that I won't be the complete downer I've grown so accustomed to being.
I can only think of two emetophobia-related incidents that happened recently. One good, one not so good.
The not so good one was a couple nights ago when I went out to eat with my wife. I've got to say, I think I've generally been doing really well with eating out at restaurants. I finally figured out how to deal with the situation, because two things happen to me when I eat at a restaurant. One is that I switch over to my "restaurant stomach" or in other words, my stomach appears to shrink in size. I know it must not actually be shrinking, but because of anxiety, I can never eat the amount in a restaurant that I could eat at home. But I always used to anyway. Out of habit, I would eat the same amount of food I typically eat at a meal, and then end up feeling awful. Now I have caught on to this and am forcing myself to eat way less. It usually means I don't even come close to finishing my meal, but oh well. Then I have tasty leftovers to eat later at home when I have my normal stomach back.
The other thing that happens because of anxiety: my throat becomes tight, feels more closed up, and this is mainly where I am still running into problems. I don't tend to notice this sensation in my throat, because it's very subtle, and it's a symptom I'm not that anxious about. But then sometimes when I swallow a bite of food, it feels stuck or like it's going down the wrong way or like I'm choking. That combined with the worries in the back of my mind about throwing up leads to a giant spike of panic. Which is what happened the other night. I'm talking to my wife, everything is good, and then suddenly I get this terrified look on my face as I panic that I'm choking or am going to throw up. The panic was over within a few seconds (aside from my heart continuing to pound for a while) and then I just felt silly and embarrassed. I'm pretty sure no one but my wife saw that look on my face, but the fact that I could not control it made me think about how awful it would have been if someone else had seen it. And made me flash back to all the many, many embarrassing incidents in my past where someone else did see a look like that on my face, including people who had no clue what was happening to me.
I guess I just need to keep this in mind when I go out to eat. Chew more, be conscious of swallowing and such. Sometimes I wonder if it's a good idea to work around these sensations because it feels like I am working with my anxiety instead of against it. But I don't seem to have much of a choice. I regularly go out to eat and that anxiety (so far) is not going away. The level of anxiety varies, of course, based on a million factors from my mood to the weather to whether I watched a movie/show earlier that day that showed someone vomiting. But there is always some level there, so if I want to be able to go out to eat at all, I need to adjust to these two symptoms. And like I said before, I think my adjustments are working out and making it so I can actually enjoy going out to eat, and that's nice. Not something I'm used to being able to enjoy, ever. Even with the brief panic the other night, I feel like the meal was a success.
Now for the good emetophobia-related incident. A friend came to stay with us at the end of November. He visits us pretty frequently, and over the last few years, I have been having a difficult time with these visits. Just like with going to restaurants, having someone stay with us makes my base level anxiety go up, and what tends to happen is I start getting a lot of stomach aches, almost constant stomach aches, especially if we go out anywhere. And when your friend comes to stay with you, they don't want to just sit around your house the entire time. And to make things even worse, I find it almost impossible to hide the fact that I feel sick and miserable or to keep quiet about it. So this friend has had to hear about how I don't feel well a ridiculous amount of the time, and it's a wonder he still comes to visit.
I'm sure you know where this is going. This last visit was practically PERFECT. It was the best time I've had hanging out with him in so long. I can't even say for sure why it went so well. Probably because I expected it to. I was feeling really great physically before he showed up, and I just felt confident that I would continue to feel great, that I could keep up the momentum of feeling good, if that makes sense. I was determined to. I've been feeling very guilty about what a terrible friend / hostess I've been.
As soon as he arrived, we went out to eat, and I ate more than I think I have in several years while at a restaurant with someone other than my wife. After that, we went somewhere else before going back home, which would normally make me very anxious (I always want to go straight home to digest and recover from the experience), and I was fine. We also went to see the movie Catching Fire (second in the Hunger Games series), and it was opening weekend, which meant the theater was completely packed. I was sure I would end up panicking at least a little during the movie, but nope, didn't happen, and I even had some popcorn. Also, he takes a bus when he comes to visit, and the bus station where we pick him up is a long drive from our house, about two hours one-way. I got through all eight hours of driving without any high anxiety periods (seriously, a miracle)!
It was like I was a normal person for a whole weekend. He's coming to visit again in about two weeks, and I'm excited. Because now I know it's possible, that I'm capable of handling it without any problems. Maybe it won't be absolutely perfect again, but I'm at least positive that I won't be the complete downer I've grown so accustomed to being.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
high-anxiety week
I am having a high-anxiety week, and it's been pretty unpleasant. Yesterday I went to a movie and had a panic attack during it. I wanted to get through it without leaving the theater, but it got to be more than I felt like I could handle. So I went to the bathroom and stood in a stall until I stopped shaking and feeling so "sick."
It was the movie itself that actually set off the attack. Since the events of 2010, I have had a hard time distancing myself from stories the way I used to be able to. Especially during times when my (baseline) anxiety is high for whatever reason. An emotionally charged scene of a movie (or part of a book) can then make my anxiety spike. Of course, that almost always manifests as feeling, or imagining I feel, nauseous.
I had also felt "sick"/anxious the day before the movie. Today was better, at least the morning. In the evening, I again felt "nauseous" and freaked out a little about it.
I hope this bad period ends soon. I think I must sometimes come across as the Pollyanna of emetophobia, because I try so hard to be positive/upbeat in this blog. In my experience, that's what helps the most - negativity leads to me feeling much worse. But that positivity doesn't always come right away. It takes effort, and sometimes I need a few days. Sometimes I don't even believe what I'm saying as I'm saying it, but it still helps to write it and have that positive viewpoint to go back to later.
I walked out of that movie so angry at myself and at the situation that I had to fight to keep from crying. I knew that by retreating to the bathroom temporarily, I had let the anxiety win a battle, and even though I still believe I am winning the overall war, I hated that.
So I am still pulling myself together right now, trying to get some perspective on this incident. I wish I could figure out a way to get back to having normal reactions to books/movies. It bothers me to be unable to tap into my emotions without the risk of them becoming out of control.
I will say, in the spirit of positivity, that I am sure this is just an off week and not a sign that I have stopped progressing or am getting worse. It also really drove home how well I have been doing, and I was reminded that it's been a long time since my anxiety problems led me to feelings of complete despair and hopelessness. Comparatively, a few days of frustration and self-criticism don't seem so bad.
It was the movie itself that actually set off the attack. Since the events of 2010, I have had a hard time distancing myself from stories the way I used to be able to. Especially during times when my (baseline) anxiety is high for whatever reason. An emotionally charged scene of a movie (or part of a book) can then make my anxiety spike. Of course, that almost always manifests as feeling, or imagining I feel, nauseous.
I had also felt "sick"/anxious the day before the movie. Today was better, at least the morning. In the evening, I again felt "nauseous" and freaked out a little about it.
I hope this bad period ends soon. I think I must sometimes come across as the Pollyanna of emetophobia, because I try so hard to be positive/upbeat in this blog. In my experience, that's what helps the most - negativity leads to me feeling much worse. But that positivity doesn't always come right away. It takes effort, and sometimes I need a few days. Sometimes I don't even believe what I'm saying as I'm saying it, but it still helps to write it and have that positive viewpoint to go back to later.
I walked out of that movie so angry at myself and at the situation that I had to fight to keep from crying. I knew that by retreating to the bathroom temporarily, I had let the anxiety win a battle, and even though I still believe I am winning the overall war, I hated that.
So I am still pulling myself together right now, trying to get some perspective on this incident. I wish I could figure out a way to get back to having normal reactions to books/movies. It bothers me to be unable to tap into my emotions without the risk of them becoming out of control.
I will say, in the spirit of positivity, that I am sure this is just an off week and not a sign that I have stopped progressing or am getting worse. It also really drove home how well I have been doing, and I was reminded that it's been a long time since my anxiety problems led me to feelings of complete despair and hopelessness. Comparatively, a few days of frustration and self-criticism don't seem so bad.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
movie scenes
I didn't write about it at the time, but a few months ago, I finally decided to sit down and force myself to watch some movie vomit scenes I usually avoid. I had seen most of them, but I tend to hide even from those I've already seen by covering my face or leaving the room, just because they make me uncomfortable. But two scenes I saw for the first time, the scene from Drop Dead Gorgeous and the scene from Bridesmaids. I had heard about how graphic these scenes were from other people before seeing the movies, so I made sure to always leave during them.
The Bridesmaids one in particular has already become a frequent mention on emetophobia forums. I've seen a bunch of threads talking about how awful it is, other people disagreeing and saying it's funny, debates starting about whether vomit should ever be shown on TV or in movies.
Of course it should. I may sit around at home and complain about it and get really angry and say it's completely unnecessary. But so is everything else in shows/movies. I'm choosing to watch, and I know what I'm getting myself into. There's no way of knowing what will pop up. I also don't particularly like excessive gore. And I hate how movies about babies almost always include some disgusting poop-related scene. Oh well. Other people like those things and think they add to the drama and/or comedy. Vomit is a somewhat extreme act that can be used for either purpose. Of course they're going to keep taking advantage of that. It's up to me to desensitize myself as much as possible.
I was pretty surprised at how nervous I was. I watched the scenes without any volume at first. Which I would highly recommend, because that made them totally manageable. Once I had seen everything that happened without having heard any of it, I watched them again with a little volume, and then a few more times with normal volume. They were definitely unpleasant. I can't say I ever enjoyed them (even the Bridesmaids one - I didn't think it was that funny), but it was easy to get to the point where I could tolerate them.
With new movies/shows, I won't be prepared. I won't know when the scene is, and I may not have heard the basics of what happens. And a lot of times they like to surprise you when it comes to vomit, to have it come out of nowhere. But I feel like this desensitization exercise has a broader effect than you would think. I haven't been flinching as much when I encounter new TV/movie vomit.
It also helps (with vomit, gore, any gross thing in movies) to remind yourself every time that it's fake. Of course you already know that, but actually thinking about how they did it takes away much of the ickiness. I don't know what they use to make movie vomit, but I'm guessing it's usually some mixture of food. This website talks about how they use a vomit machine to project tomato soup in one movie.
Plus with Drop Dead Gorgeous, Denise Richards is in it, and knowing that she has emetophobia makes me feel oddly comforted about the scene in that movie. I guess it's knowing that someone is involved who understands how I feel (although I don't think she is actually in the vomit scene). Who knows? This may be true of other actors/actresses as well, and they just haven't come forward about it yet.
The Bridesmaids one in particular has already become a frequent mention on emetophobia forums. I've seen a bunch of threads talking about how awful it is, other people disagreeing and saying it's funny, debates starting about whether vomit should ever be shown on TV or in movies.
Of course it should. I may sit around at home and complain about it and get really angry and say it's completely unnecessary. But so is everything else in shows/movies. I'm choosing to watch, and I know what I'm getting myself into. There's no way of knowing what will pop up. I also don't particularly like excessive gore. And I hate how movies about babies almost always include some disgusting poop-related scene. Oh well. Other people like those things and think they add to the drama and/or comedy. Vomit is a somewhat extreme act that can be used for either purpose. Of course they're going to keep taking advantage of that. It's up to me to desensitize myself as much as possible.
I was pretty surprised at how nervous I was. I watched the scenes without any volume at first. Which I would highly recommend, because that made them totally manageable. Once I had seen everything that happened without having heard any of it, I watched them again with a little volume, and then a few more times with normal volume. They were definitely unpleasant. I can't say I ever enjoyed them (even the Bridesmaids one - I didn't think it was that funny), but it was easy to get to the point where I could tolerate them.
With new movies/shows, I won't be prepared. I won't know when the scene is, and I may not have heard the basics of what happens. And a lot of times they like to surprise you when it comes to vomit, to have it come out of nowhere. But I feel like this desensitization exercise has a broader effect than you would think. I haven't been flinching as much when I encounter new TV/movie vomit.
It also helps (with vomit, gore, any gross thing in movies) to remind yourself every time that it's fake. Of course you already know that, but actually thinking about how they did it takes away much of the ickiness. I don't know what they use to make movie vomit, but I'm guessing it's usually some mixture of food. This website talks about how they use a vomit machine to project tomato soup in one movie.
Plus with Drop Dead Gorgeous, Denise Richards is in it, and knowing that she has emetophobia makes me feel oddly comforted about the scene in that movie. I guess it's knowing that someone is involved who understands how I feel (although I don't think she is actually in the vomit scene). Who knows? This may be true of other actors/actresses as well, and they just haven't come forward about it yet.
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